Talking to my ex-bully to reconcile the past

[aties]

2 hours ago, Lennie said:

I see, well that's totally reasonable if she is busy and you also don't want to share your feelings with her at the moment. Is there anyone else you're closer to who you can talk this over with? 

I know how difficult it can be when we open up to someone and are left without a response, that time waiting for them to reply can leave us with lots of doubts and worries. 

Do you think that it would help to try to do things that will take your mind off this situation? Are there options that come to mind that you think might help to get you into a different headspace where you aren't thinking about getting a reply to your message? 

honestly even study stress cant hold me back normally i will study and take competition to distract myself but now i feel burnt out . Well,  this will sound counterintuitive but to be honest if i have a close relationship with someone i wouldnt reach out to him, right

[Lennie]

4 hours ago, aties said:

honestly even study stress cant hold me back normally i will study and take competition to distract myself but now i feel burnt out . Well,  this will sound counterintuitive but to be honest if i have a close relationship with someone i wouldnt reach out to him, right

Can I ask why you feel like you wouldn't want to get in touch with a close friend? Of course, you don't have to say if you'd prefer not to. I'm just trying to understand why you'd be reluctant. 

[aties]

1 hour ago, Lennie said:

Can I ask why you feel like you wouldn't want to get in touch with a close friend? Of course, you don't have to say if you'd prefer not to. I'm just trying to understand why you'd be reluctant. 

it is not like i dont want to "get in touch", more like it is hard to tell anyone about this vulnerable  feelings and i dont feel safem thats all

[Lennie]

17 minutes ago, aties said:

it is not like i dont want to "get in touch", more like it is hard to tell anyone about this vulnerable  feelings and i dont feel safem thats all

I understand, it can be really hard to open up when feeling so vulnerable. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time since sending this message. 

You've mentioned that distractions aren't working and that you don't feel ready to talk with anyone else about this yet. Have you found anything else that's helped you deal with the stress so far?

I remember that you had spoken with a school counsellor previously but you didn't find them particularly helpful. I'm wondering, is there a second school counsellor available that you would consider speaking with? Or is that something you'd prefer to avoid altogether?

[aties]

9 hours ago, Lennie said:

I understand, it can be really hard to open up when feeling so vulnerable. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time since sending this message. 

You've mentioned that distractions aren't working and that you don't feel ready to talk with anyone else about this yet. Have you found anything else that's helped you deal with the stress so far?

I remember that you had spoken with a school counsellor previously but you didn't find them particularly helpful. I'm wondering, is there a second school counsellor available that you would consider speaking with? Or is that something you'd prefer to avoid altogether?

Unavailable summer already lol. Not related but ihavent seen the one i,essage he hasnt seen it and i sent himbia school account i wonder have he checked because i havent seen he saw my message

[Aurora]

8 hours ago, aties said:

Unavailable summer already lol. Not related but ihavent seen the one i,essage he hasnt seen it and i sent himbia school account i wonder have he checked because i havent seen he saw my message

Hi @aties, Aurora here. I know how difficult it is to wait for someone to reply to a message!! I think we've all been there at some point. How are you holding up?

Do you mind explaining a bit more, what you're unsure about? I'm not quite sure I understand. So the message you sent to him was to his school account, is that right? You mentioned that it doesn't look like he has seen your message. Does that mean that you can you see whether someone has read their messages or not (a bit like with WhatsApp)? Or can you not tell whether he has read your message and you're guessing he hasn't seen it yet because it's his school account?

[aties]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

Hi @aties, Aurora here. I know how difficult it is to wait for someone to reply to a message!! I think we've all been there at some point. How are you holding up?

Do you mind explaining a bit more, what you're unsure about? I'm not quite sure I understand. So the message you sent to him was to his school account, is that right? You mentioned that it doesn't look like he has seen your message. Does that mean that you can you see whether someone has read their messages or not (a bit like with WhatsApp)? Or can you not tell whether he has read your message and you're guessing he hasn't seen it yet because it's his school account?

ah sorry my message is clear enough to understand. What i mean is it is summer now so i am afraid that he may not check his google chat ( via school account) , and in google chat we can see other has read or not. Of course, there are  maybe other reasson tho such as maybe he has read mine but google chat doesnt show me that he has read my message 

[Lennie]

21 hours ago, aties said:

ah sorry my message is clear enough to understand. What i mean is it is summer now so i am afraid that he may not check his google chat ( via school account) , and in google chat we can see other has read or not. Of course, there are  maybe other reasson tho such as maybe he has read mine but google chat doesnt show me that he has read my message 

Hi @aties - I see, thanks for clearing that up. Okay so given that he may not have seen your message, do you think it's worth trying to contact him another way (Whatsapp, email, etc. if you have another contact for him)? Or do you think it's best to wait a little longer to see if he checks his Google chat?

[aties]

On 6/14/2024 at 5:01 PM, Lennie said:

Hi @aties - I see, thanks for clearing that up. Okay so given that he may not have seen your message, do you think it's worth trying to contact him another way (Whatsapp, email, etc. if you have another contact for him)? Or do you think it's best to wait a little longer to see if he checks his Google chat?

It has been two weeks, a long time of period for me ..so i think i should check other methods if he doesnt reply tome thats mean he ignore me and i wont forgive that

[aties]

On 6/15/2024 at 6:37 PM, aties said:

It has been two weeks, a long time of period for me ..so i think i should check other methods if he doesnt reply tome thats mean he ignore me and i wont forgive that

@Lennie

[Megs-]

15 minutes ago, aties said:

@Lennie

Lennie isn’t online today, he should be back tomorrow! 

[Mestizo]

On 6/15/2024 at 4:37 AM, aties said:

It has been two weeks, a long time of period for me ..so i think i should check other methods if he doesnt reply tome thats mean he ignore me and i wont forgive that

Hi @aties. I’m Mestizo, one of the other Support Mentors with Ditch the Label. I hope it’s okay to jump in while the other support Mentors are offline. If not, you are welcomed to wait for a response from the others when they are back online. 

I wanted to ask, what other way have you decided to send a message? 

[aties]

On 6/17/2024 at 9:41 PM, Mestizo said:

Hi @aties. I’m Mestizo, one of the other Support Mentors with Ditch the Label. I hope it’s okay to jump in while the other support Mentors are offline. If not, you are welcomed to wait for a response from the others when they are back online. 

I wanted to ask, what other way have you decided to send a message? 

Ah, hi again, i have decided to send an email or even more bold using my facebook account to message to him. I can go crazy and insane ( i am stubborn), to the point i want to force him to deal it face -to- face but it is haes to do it

[Lennie]

14 hours ago, aties said:

Ah, hi again, i have decided to send an email or even more bold using my facebook account to message to him. I can go crazy and insane ( i am stubborn), to the point i want to force him to deal it face -to- face but it is haes to do it

Hi @aties, this person has undoubtedly treated you badly in the past and was wrong for doing so. You absolutely did not deserve to be treated this way. And in a perfect world, you would get a well-deserved explanation and apology which, I'd imagine, would go some way towards helping you get some closure on that chapter of your life.

However, I think it's worth reading back over some of your language here. Wanting to force someone to behave the way you want them to will never lead to the kind of outcome you want, because even if you were to force a response out of them, it's either not going to be genuine, or it won't be the type of response you'd hoped for.

Having spoke to you about this before sending the message to them, I know how difficult it was for you and how it took you a while to feel ready to say what you wanted to say. I think it would be helpful to give this person the same chance to have time to process this and let them prepare a response in their own time.

How does this sound? Do you think you could try to refocus your attention away from this whole issue for a while and onto some other areas of your life? Are there any other things at all that you think might work at refocusing your attention away from this whole situation?

[aties]

5 hours ago, Lennie said:

Hi @aties, this person has undoubtedly treated you badly in the past and was wrong for doing so. You absolutely did not deserve to be treated this way. And in a perfect world, you would get a well-deserved explanation and apology which, I'd imagine, would go some way towards helping you get some closure on that chapter of your life.

However, I think it's worth reading back over some of your language here. Wanting to force someone to behave the way you want them to will never lead to the kind of outcome you want, because even if you were to force a response out of them, it's either not going to be genuine, or it won't be the type of response you'd hoped for.

Having spoke to you about this before sending the message to them, I know how difficult it was for you and how it took you a while to feel ready to say what you wanted to say. I think it would be helpful to give this person the same chance to have time to process this and let them prepare a response in their own time.

How does this sound? Do you think you could try to refocus your attention away from this whole issue for a while and onto some other areas of your life? Are there any other things at all that you think might work at refocusing your attention away from this whole situation?

Um, let me explain why i am “crossing out of line” The first time i reached out to him was on January, and for 1 month of no reply- i kept spamming to him but yeah no reply either.. Just until march or April he replied to me “ What do you want to talk” and “ I am busy”.. That mean he knew i kept spamming to him  and he ignored it- i cant endure this more and my patience ran out now

[Mestizo]

2 hours ago, aties said:

Um, let me explain why i am “crossing out of line” The first time i reached out to him was on January, and for 1 month of no reply- i kept spamming to him but yeah no reply either.. Just until march or April he replied to me “ What do you want to talk” and “ I am busy”.. That mean he knew i kept spamming to him  and he ignored it- i cant endure this more and my patience ran out now

Hi @aties. I think that @Lennie makes a great point in highlighting the suggesting of perhaps taking a step back to refocus your energy and attention away from this issue, unto another area of your life. What do you think of this suggestion that @Lennie has made? 

[aties]

17 hours ago, Mestizo said:

Hi @aties. I think that @Lennie makes a great point in highlighting the suggesting of perhaps taking a step back to refocus your energy and attention away from this issue, unto another area of your life. What do you think of this suggestion that @Lennie has made? 

i think i have made myself clear... i feel like he is ignoring me AGAIN and i cant take this longer

[Mestizo]

6 hours ago, aties said:

i think i have made myself clear... i feel like he is ignoring me AGAIN and i cant take this longer

Hi @aties. You have made yourself clear. I wish you the best as you wait for his response. 

[aties]

3 hours ago, Mestizo said:

Hi @aties. You have made yourself clear. I wish you the best as you wait for his response. 

eh- no i mean i cant wait anymore-

[Lennie]

13 hours ago, aties said:

eh- no i mean i cant wait anymore-

Hi @aties - this is understood but the point that we return to is that you unfortunately have no choice but to wait, as you cannot force someone to give you a response. As mentioned, if you try to force them when they aren't ready by sending them multiple messages on different platforms, this won't lead to the kind of response you're hoping for.

We are happy to help you with trying to refocus your energy elsewhere, but if you are intent on continuing to message this person, it's difficult for us to give you much input beyond simply warning you against doing this. Does that make sense?

 

[aties]

23 hours ago, Lennie said:

Hi @aties - this is understood but the point that we return to is that you unfortunately have no choice but to wait, as you cannot force someone to give you a response. As mentioned, if you try to force them when they aren't ready by sending them multiple messages on different platforms, this won't lead to the kind of response you're hoping for.

We are happy to help you with trying to refocus your energy elsewhere, but if you are intent on continuing to message this person, it's difficult for us to give you much input beyond simply warning you against doing this. Does that make sense?

Make sense

But what if he hadnt read it

Or

He ignore it and it is nit because he isnt ready to reply but he doesnt give a sh*t about me?

That is possible, right

[Luie]

21 hours ago, aties said:

Make sense

But what if he hadnt read it

Or

He ignore it and it is nit because he isnt ready to reply but he doesnt give a sh*t about me?

That is possible, right

 

Heyy @aties, I totally understand your concerns and how difficult it is to be left waiting for a response, especially given the history you have with this person. It’s completely natural to have those thoughts and to wonder about their intentions or feelings towards you. While it’s possible that they might not have read your message or that they might be ignoring it, it’s also possible that they’re genuinely busy or need more time to process their thoughts before replying.

One thing to consider is that until you hear back from them, you won’t truly know their reasons. Trying to predict or assume their thoughts can be draining and might not lead to any clear answers. Instead, it could be helpful to refocus your energy on things within your control like your own healing and well-being as @Lennie suggested. 

I was thinking perhaps how we could move forward in terms of refocusing and wanted to ask you, what are some ways you can take care of yourself emotionally and mentally while you wait for a response? Also, how might shifting your focus to activities or people that bring you some kind of peace help you during this uncertain time?

 

[aties]

4 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @aties, I totally understand your concerns and how difficult it is to be left waiting for a response, especially given the history you have with this person. It’s completely natural to have those thoughts and to wonder about their intentions or feelings towards you. While it’s possible that they might not have read your message or that they might be ignoring it, it’s also possible that they’re genuinely busy or need more time to process their thoughts before replying.

One thing to consider is that until you hear back from them, you won’t truly know their reasons. Trying to predict or assume their thoughts can be draining and might not lead to any clear answers. Instead, it could be helpful to refocus your energy on things within your control like your own healing and well-being as @Lennie suggested. 

I was thinking perhaps how we could move forward in terms of refocusing and wanted to ask you, what are some ways you can take care of yourself emotionally and mentally while you wait for a response? Also, how might shifting your focus to activities or people that bring you some kind of peace help you during this uncertain time?

Honestly i have been doing that till the point i cant do that anymore and no sadly i cant find peace on my mind even when i do that by studying crazily, daydreaming, anxious for the exam,etc…

I am running out of patience , and i think he IGNORE me again… you said “until he reply back” .. But if he ignore me i would wait for him for Forever

… and based on what i know about him he isnt the type who would use his time to think of “replying”…

 

 

[Lennie]

19 hours ago, aties said:

Honestly i have been doing that till the point i cant do that anymore and no sadly i cant find peace on my mind even when i do that by studying crazily, daydreaming, anxious for the exam,etc…

I am running out of patience , and i think he IGNORE me again… you said “until he reply back” .. But if he ignore me i would wait for him for Forever

… and based on what i know about him he isnt the type who would use his time to think of “replying”…

Hi @aties - you're right to acknowledge that it is possible that he won't reply, or at least that he may take far longer than you would like. Given that there isn't anything you can do to change his side of things, it is worth trying to now refocus you attention back towards yourself and what you can do to move past this now. 

If you think about trying to make peace with the fact that you have done everything you can, is there anything that will help you accept that you might not get a response? I know that previously you've been reluctant to speak with your friend about this issue, but might this be an option to help you work through things? Also in terms of self-care, I'd like to refer back to @Luie questions previously: 

Quote

what are some ways you can take care of yourself emotionally and mentally while you wait for a response? Also, how might shifting your focus to activities or people that bring you some kind of peace help you during this uncertain time?

 

[aties]

On 6/24/2024 at 2:50 PM, Lennie said:

Hi @aties - you're right to acknowledge that it is possible that he won't reply, or at least that he may take far longer than you would like. Given that there isn't anything you can do to change his side of things, it is worth trying to now refocus you attention back towards yourself and what you can do to move past this now. 

If you think about trying to make peace with the fact that you have done everything you can, is there anything that will help you accept that you might not get a response? I know that previously you've been reluctant to speak with your friend about this issue, but might this be an option to help you work through things? Also in terms of self-care, I'd like to refer back to @Luie questions previously: 

It will take a huge toll on my mental health ( as if it isnt bad rn) if he doesnt respond to me. f he dares do that, i won't just "replying, chatting" and wait for his response. I don't feel comfortable talking about this to anyone i have a trust issue.

Self care... as i state all i know is getting to work crazily and thanks to that i am in the burnout state and have no energy to do anything, let alone refocus my energy to do something