Talking to my ex-bully to reconcile the past

[Mestizo]

If he did ask what is it that you want him to do how would you respond?

[aties]

6 minutes ago, Mestizo said:

If he did ask what is it that you want him to do how would you respond?

well- some self-disclosure (yeah the term i learnt in ppsychology) and make a steady progress ig...

[aties]

2 hours ago, aties said:

well- some self-disclosure (yeah the term i learnt in ppsychology) and make a steady progress ig...

but honestly whenever i i tend to reply i feel so scared and trembling, like i want to reply so bad but i cant... I really need help

Edited May 3 by aties

[Aurora]

On 5/3/2024 at 5:49 PM, aties said:

but honestly whenever i i tend to reply i feel so scared and trembling, like i want to reply so bad but i cant... I really need help

What kind of help would you find most helpful right now? 

[aties]

8 minutes ago, Aurora said:

What kind of help would you find most helpful right now? 

uh give me emotional preparation because honestly I can be really crazy if he hurt me and it can change me drastically that's why i am scared. If possible  i think model the conversation would be helpful

[aties]

On 5/7/2024 at 7:46 PM, aties said:

uh give me emotional preparation because honestly I can be really crazy if he hurt me and it can change me drastically that's why i am scared. If possible  i think model the conversation would be helpful

i really need help

[Blondie]

3 hours ago, aties said:

i really need help

Hey, just to let you know that @Aurora will be back online tomorrow.

[Aurora]

On 5/7/2024 at 1:46 PM, aties said:

uh give me emotional preparation because honestly I can be really crazy if he hurt me and it can change me drastically that's why i am scared. If possible  i think model the conversation would be helpful

Hi @aties I'm sorry I couldn't answer you sooner. As you know, I'm only online for a few hours Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. 

I hear you when you say how worried you are about what he might say and how that will affect you. For this reason I'm not sure whether it is a good idea for you to contact him without anyone else around who can support you. It's very difficult to predict what he is going to say and  it will therefore make it difficult for you to prepare yourself for his answers. Does that make sense? Keen to hear your thoughts on this. 

[aties]

13 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Hi @aties I'm sorry I couldn't answer you sooner. As you know, I'm only online for a few hours Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. 

I hear you when you say how worried you are about what he might say and how that will affect you. For this reason I'm not sure whether it is a good idea for you to contact him without anyone else around who can support you. It's very difficult to predict what he is going to say and  it will therefore make it difficult for you to prepare yourself for his answers. Does that make sense? Keen to hear your thoughts on this. 

Yeah if hes  rude to me i would be engulfed in darkness and thats why i am scared. This trauma can affect my entire life and i am really really scared about that.. thats true i agree with you..

[Aurora]

1 hour ago, aties said:

Yeah if hes  rude to me i would be engulfed in darkness and thats why i am scared. This trauma can affect my entire life and i am really really scared about that.. thats true i agree with you..

Thank you for sharing that with me. I can imagine it's not easy to talk about. From everything you have told me I get the impression that the whole experience was very traumatising for you and you have not had the chance to heal from the trauma. I understand why you want to talk to him about it and why you think it might help you to process what has happened I can also understand why his reply could have a negative impact on your wellbeing though. I'm therefore wondering whether now might not yet be the right time to talk to him. What do you think? 

Do you think it might be more helpful to speak to someone else first - someone who understands you and can support you with everything going on? Is there someone in your life, who you trust and who you think might understand you? Maybe a family member or a friend? I know you mentioned that your friends can't help you but just listening to you and being there for you might be really helpful already and might help you prepare for speaking to him. What you think? 

[aties]

41 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Thank you for sharing that with me. I can imagine it's not easy to talk about. From everything you have told me I get the impression that the whole experience was very traumatising for you and you have not had the chance to heal from the trauma. I understand why you want to talk to him about it and why you think it might help you to process what has happened I can also understand why his reply could have a negative impact on your wellbeing though. I'm therefore wondering whether now might not yet be the right time to talk to him. What do you think? 

Do you think it might be more helpful to speak to someone else first - someone who understands you and can support you with everything going on? Is there someone in your life, who you trust and who you think might understand you? Maybe a family member or a friend? I know you mentioned that your friends can't help you but just listening to you and being there for you might be really helpful already and might help you prepare for speaking to him. What you think? 

Well, is it true that we both are busy - doing all of the exam.. but uh i am scared of saying this to anyone else-... 

...

[Aurora]

11 minutes ago, aties said:

Well, is it true that we both are busy - doing all of the exam.. but uh i am scared of saying this to anyone else-... 

...

I get that. It can be really difficult to talk about these kinds of things - especially when it's affected us really deeply. However, talking to someone and sharing what has happened to us can also be healing. If you do decide to tell someone what happened you don't have to tell them everything. You could for example just mention that he bullied you (without going into detail) and that you don't know how you'll react if you get to talk to him. Are you and your friends quite close? Do you talk to them about other stuff that goes on in your life? 

Please don't feel you have to talk to someone if you don't feel ready to. I'm only suggesting this because I feel like you could do with some support. 

 

[aties]

22 minutes ago, Aurora said:

I get that. It can be really difficult to talk about these kinds of things - especially when it's affected us really deeply. However, talking to someone and sharing what has happened to us can also be healing. If you do decide to tell someone what happened you don't have to tell them everything. You could for example just mention that he bullied you (without going into detail) and that you don't know how you'll react if you get to talk to him. Are you and your friends quite close? Do you talk to them about other stuff that goes on in your life? 

Please don't feel you have to talk to someone if you don't feel ready to. I'm only suggesting this because I feel like you could do with some support. 

well i do talk about this to one of my friend.. She said there isnt much time left  i should do it when i can

[Aurora]

20 hours ago, aties said:

well i do talk about this to one of my friend.. She said there isnt much time left  i should do it when i can

That is great that you can talk to one of your friends about it. Has it been helpful talking to her? Can I ask, why does she things that there isn't much time left? Also, do you think she could be there when you message him? Then you have someone there, if what he says upsets you. She might also be able to help you think of a reply if he messages you back. What do you think? 

[aties]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

That is great that you can talk to one of your friends about it. Has it been helpful talking to her? Can I ask, why does she things that there isn't much time left? Also, do you think she could be there when you message him? Then you have someone there, if what he says upsets you. She might also be able to help you think of a reply if he messages you back. What do you think? 

we are about to graduate soon- and mo sadly she cwnt be with me when i rpely back to hi, 

[Aurora]

7 minutes ago, aties said:

we are about to graduate soon- and mo sadly she cwnt be with me when i rpely back to hi, 

What happens after graduation? Will either of you be moving away? 

Have you found it helpful to speak to your friend about it? 

[aties]

2 minutes ago, Aurora said:

What happens after graduation? Will either of you be moving away? 

Have you found it helpful to speak to your friend about it? 

we will all study abroad to different countries, it seems. About chatting i dont feelcomfortable to have someone next to me looking at. my screen

Edited May 10 by aties

[Aurora]

20 minutes ago, aties said:

we will all study abroad to different countries, it seems. About chatting i dont feelcomfortable to have someone next to me looking at. my screen

I get that you don't want someone looking at your screen. How would you feel if your friend was available and you could message them instead if you needed their help? They wouldn't be in the room with you but they would know when you are planning on messaging him and they could support you if you need be. Do you think that would work? Would you feel comfortable reaching out to them? 

Also, was it helpful to talk to your friend about the situation? 

[aties]

2 hours ago, Aurora said:

I get that you don't want someone looking at your screen. How would you feel if your friend was available and you could message them instead if you needed their help? They wouldn't be in the room with you but they would know when you are planning on messaging him and they could support you if you need be. Do you think that would work? Would you feel comfortable reaching out to them? 

Also, was it helpful to talk to your friend about the situation? 

Uh i dont want to disclose the information to them even though i found useful when they said i should send him a reply itis just i am scared what may happen afterward

[Luie]

17 hours ago, aties said:

Uh i dont want to disclose the information to them even though i found useful when they said i should send him a reply itis just i am scared what may happen afterward

Heyy @aties, take me through what you're scared about, what are the worst case scenarios in your head? 

[aties]

2 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @aties, take me through what you're scared about, what are the worst case scenarios in your head? 

In my head i am really scared and it dramatic affect that he will avoid me and not help me because i think thats his personality based on what i know about him he may be inconcerned or insensible to me . Yeah i would call him an avoidant person

[Luie]

22 hours ago, aties said:

In my head i am really scared and it dramatic affect that he will avoid me and not help me because i think thats his personality based on what i know about him he may be inconcerned or insensible to me . Yeah i would call him an avoidant person

Alright that makes sense to me, and tell me what could be the best case scenario then? 

[aties]

6 minutes ago, Luie said:

Alright that makes sense to me, and tell me what could be the best case scenario then? 

hmm.. the best scenario for me that he agree and um we talk and have self-disclosure i think

[Luie]

5 minutes ago, aties said:

hmm.. the best scenario for me that he agree and um we talk and have self-disclosure i think

And are there any in-between scenarios you can think of as well, like alternatives? 

[aties]

28 minutes ago, Luie said:

And are there any in-between scenarios you can think of as well, like alternatives? 

yes- like for instance he can be ambivalent/ conflict whether he should help me or be ambigious

Or maybe we are too busy we dont  have time to talk lol..