Talking to my ex-bully to reconcile the past

[Luie]

14 minutes ago, aties said:

yes- like for instance he can be ambivalent/ conflict whether he should help me or be ambigious

Or maybe we are too busy we dont  have time to talk lol..

Now, knowing all of these different possible scenarios, how does that make you feel? 

[aties]

13 minutes ago, Luie said:

Now, knowing all of these different possible scenarios, how does that make you feel? 

i feel scared and unsure, to be honest

[Luie]

25 minutes ago, aties said:

i feel scared and unsure, to be honest

It's totally normal to feel scared and unsure, I am wondering knowing all of these scenarios is sort of a mental prep for you in knowing whichever the outcome is you'll know how what to roughly expect which in turn will help you navigate the situation a bit better. Does this make sense to you?

[aties]

9 minutes ago, Luie said:

It's totally normal to feel scared and unsure, I am wondering knowing all of these scenarios is sort of a mental prep for you in knowing whichever the outcome is you'll know how what to roughly expect which in turn will help you navigate the situation a bit better. Does this make sense to you?

ABSOLUTELY

[Luie]

22 hours ago, aties said:

ABSOLUTELY

Glad it makes sense. Do you people around you who you feel comfortable speaking with?

[aties]

36 minutes ago, Luie said:

Glad it makes sense. Do you people around you who you feel comfortable speaking with?

eh as i state not really.. i dont know but my counselor wasnt helpful at all... This issue is hard to disclose to anyone, honestly..

And rven if i have someone, not sure they can help me though

[Lennie]

53 minutes ago, aties said:

eh as i state not really.. i dont know but my counselor wasnt helpful at all... This issue is hard to disclose to anyone, honestly..

And rven if i have someone, not sure they can help me though

Hi @aties I'm Lennie, one of the other support mentors - nice to meet you! I hope you don't mind me joining the conversation. Of course, if you would rather wait to continue speaking with one of the other mentors, that is totally fine.

It sounds like you've given this a lot of careful thought and consideration but are still feeling unsure whether you're ready to message this person. This uncertainty is understandable, especially as you don't know how they will respond. For this reason, I do agree it would be helpful to share this with someone else first. And in doing so, you might feel more emotionally prepared if you do then decide to contact them. 

You mentioned previously that you have talked to a friend about this situation. Do you think you could say to them that you're now thinking about contacting this person and maybe get their take? You don't necessarily have to get into the details with them, but talking it over might help you gauge how you're feeling and get their perspective, too. 

How does that sound?

[aties]

19 minutes ago, Lennie said:

Hi @aties I'm Lennie, one of the other support mentors - nice to meet you! I hope you don't mind me joining the conversation. Of course, if you would rather wait to continue speaking with one of the other mentors, that is totally fine.

It sounds like you've given this a lot of careful thought and consideration but are still feeling unsure whether you're ready to message this person. This uncertainty is understandable, especially as you don't know how they will respond. For this reason, I do agree it would be helpful to share this with someone else first. And in doing so, you might feel more emotionally prepared if you do then decide to contact them. 

You mentioned previously that you have talked to a friend about this situation. Do you think you could say to them that you're now thinking about contacting this person and maybe get their take? You don't necessarily have to get into the details with them, but talking it over might help you gauge how you're feeling and get their perspective, too. 

How does that sound?

um well- like i said from their objective view i should do that- but it is harder to do than say and i keep avoding unpleasant thig that can harm me i am really scared.l

[Lennie]

6 minutes ago, aties said:

um well- like i said from their objective view i should do that- but it is harder to do than say and i keep avoding unpleasant thig that can harm me i am really scared.l

Does your friend know how concerned you are about sending this message though? I'm just wondering because this might affect their opinion about what you ought to do.

Also,  regarding messaging the person who has previously bullied you - you said that you're scared about the potential harm his response could cause. It's clear that this is something that you want to address, and you're right to see it as an opportunity for potentially gaining insight into their perspective, and maybe even getting some closure. However, I'm curious if you feel as though the potential of a hurtful response would outweigh the benefits of getting a kind/helpful response?

If you do feel that a bad response would outweigh the benefits of a good response, then it might be worth waiting a while until you feel more emotionally prepared.

What do you think? 

I'm going to be offline now, but will be back online today at 5pm and happy to pick things up then 

[aties]

5 hours ago, Lennie said:

Does your friend know how concerned you are about sending this message though? I'm just wondering because this might affect their opinion about what you ought to do.

Also,  regarding messaging the person who has previously bullied you - you said that you're scared about the potential harm his response could cause. It's clear that this is something that you want to address, and you're right to see it as an opportunity for potentially gaining insight into their perspective, and maybe even getting some closure. However, I'm curious if you feel as though the potential of a hurtful response would outweigh the benefits of getting a kind/helpful response?

If you do feel that a bad response would outweigh the benefits of a good response, then it might be worth waiting a while until you feel more emotionally prepared.

What do you think? 

I'm going to be offline now, but will be back online today at 5pm and happy to pick things up then 

Intuitively, i think the benefits outweigh the cons lol- maybe i am biased but hinestly for the first time i follow my intuition

[Lennie]

2 minutes ago, aties said:

Intuitively, i think the benefits outweigh the cons lol- maybe i am biased but hinestly for the first time i follow my intuition

Okay great! Using your intuition is often the best guide in these circumstances.

I can see you've already had good advice on this thread about how to prepare for what you are going to say, and for mentally preparing for the potential responses you might get back.  So I think the other piece to put in place will be to identify someone who you trust and value that you can talk to about this. 

I know this bit isn't easy and you've already spoken with a school counsellor who you didn't feel was helpful.  But I think it will really help to have someone that you can talk to about this, both before and after you get a response, because this is when you're likely to feel more emotionally vulnerable. 

Do you think the friend you have mentioned this to previously could be that someone you speak with to get a little support around this? 

[aties]

7 hours ago, Lennie said:

Okay great! Using your intuition is often the best guide in these circumstances.

I can see you've already had good advice on this thread about how to prepare for what you are going to say, and for mentally preparing for the potential responses you might get back.  So I think the other piece to put in place will be to identify someone who you trust and value that you can talk to about this. 

I know this bit isn't easy and you've already spoken with a school counsellor who you didn't feel was helpful.  But I think it will really help to have someone that you can talk to about this, both before and after you get a response, because this is when you're likely to feel more emotionally vulnerable. 

Do you think the friend you have mentioned this to previously could be that someone you speak with to get a little support around this? 

well yeah maybe i think so maybe she can help me after getting the respone

[Lennie]

9 hours ago, aties said:

well yeah maybe i think so maybe she can help me after getting the respone

Yes, I think that additional support from a friend will be helpful. Even if it's just to decompress and speak about how you're feeling a little.

Do you have an idea yet of when you might get in contact with this person who has bullied you in the past?

[aties]

1 minute ago, Lennie said:

Yes, I think that additional support from a friend will be helpful. Even if it's just to decompress and speak about how you're feeling a little.

Do you have an idea yet of when you might get in contact with this person who has bullied you in the past?

i do but i am always procrastinate because i am scared

[Lennie]

2 minutes ago, aties said:

i do but i am always procrastinate because i am scared

This is totally understandable. It's not like putting off house chores or some everyday task you don't want to do. You're being cautious because you feel emotionally vulnerable. 

It sounds like, on the one hand, you are wrestling with the desire to engage with this person in the hope of getting some resolution. On the other, you are resistant because you worry about how this might leave you feeling if the interaction doesn't go well. Is that a fair summary?

Unfortunately, there's no perfect way to tackle this. The key is to take your time and do things when you feel ready. If you do decide to contact them, you need to try to prepare yourself, as previously mentioned, by thinking through the best- and worst-case scenarios. And on top of that, try to have someone around that you trust, who you can speak with about this - ideally before and after.

How does this sound? 

[aties]

1 hour ago, Lennie said:

This is totally understandable. It's not like putting off house chores or some everyday task you don't want to do. You're being cautious because you feel emotionally vulnerable. 

It sounds like, on the one hand, you are wrestling with the desire to engage with this person in the hope of getting some resolution. On the other, you are resistant because you worry about how this might leave you feeling if the interaction doesn't go well. Is that a fair summary?

Unfortunately, there's no perfect way to tackle this. The key is to take your time and do things when you feel ready. If you do decide to contact them, you need to try to prepare yourself, as previously mentioned, by thinking through the best- and worst-case scenarios. And on top of that, try to have someone around that you trust, who you can speak with about this - ideally before and after.

How does this sound? 

yeah that is better and yes the summary you summarized cover up my issue- well i will update in here about what happen after the reply -

[Lennie]

45 minutes ago, aties said:

yeah that is better and yes the summary you summarized cover up my issue- well i will update in here about what happen after the reply -

Yes, please do let us know how it goes. We are here for you, as and when you need it 

[aties]

On 5/12/2024 at 3:37 PM, Luie said:

Now, knowing all of these different possible scenarios, how does that make you feel? 

Hi @Lennie @Aurora @Luie, it is been  a  while, little update tho: I already reached out to him, and now i am scared that he will ignore my message ( i just sent it this week) , maybe he is busy but i am trembling thinking what if he ignores my message

[Luie]

15 hours ago, aties said:

Hi @Lennie @Aurora @Luie, it is been  a  while, little update tho: I already reached out to him, and now i am scared that he will ignore my message ( i just sent it this week) , maybe he is busy but i am trembling thinking what if he ignores my message

Heyy @aties, Thank you for the update. It's totally normal to feel anxious and worried after reaching out to someone you care about. Waiting for a reply can be really nerve-wracking, especially when you’re afraid they might ignore your message. There could be many reasons why he hasn't responded yet that have nothing to do with you. People get busy or need time to think before replying. Please do try to be kind to yourself and remember that it's okay to feel nervous. Usually the following two things have been helpful for me: 

 

• Reflect on the Positive: Think about the courage it took to reach out. No matter the outcome, taking this step shows your bravery and willingness to connect.
• Consider Other Perspectives: Reflect on times when you’ve been busy or needed time before responding to a message. This can help you understand that a delayed response doesn’t necessarily mean a negative outcome.

Btw, If you don't mind sharing, I was wondering how do you usually cope with uncertainty in other areas of your life?

 

[aties]

4 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @aties, Thank you for the update. It's totally normal to feel anxious and worried after reaching out to someone you care about. Waiting for a reply can be really nerve-wracking, especially when you’re afraid they might ignore your message. There could be many reasons why he hasn't responded yet that have nothing to do with you. People get busy or need time to think before replying. Please do try to be kind to yourself and remember that it's okay to feel nervous. Usually the following two things have been helpful for me: 

• Reflect on the Positive: Think about the courage it took to reach out. No matter the outcome, taking this step shows your bravery and willingness to connect.
• Consider Other Perspectives: Reflect on times when you’ve been busy or needed time before responding to a message. This can help you understand that a delayed response doesn’t necessarily mean a negative outcome.

Btw, If you don't mind sharing, I was wondering how do you usually cope with uncertainty in other areas of your life?

Well, i wouldnt say that my coping mechanism is healthy.. it actually depend- If uncertainty about exam /competition i would be really stressed out and try to grind as much as possible. About life i would try to procrastinate or daydream lol

About why i feel like he may ignore me/ havent read my message- I seriously dont know when should i repeat my message.. The context is , before he replied to me said that he is busy- I actually emailed him twice and he ignored me back then bcuz he is “busy” and he asked me why i kept messaging to him

[Lennie]

On 6/9/2024 at 12:04 PM, aties said:

Well, i wouldnt say that my coping mechanism is healthy.. it actually depend- If uncertainty about exam /competition i would be really stressed out and try to grind as much as possible. About life i would try to procrastinate or daydream lol

About why i feel like he may ignore me/ havent read my message- I seriously dont know when should i repeat my message.. The context is , before he replied to me said that he is busy- I actually emailed him twice and he ignored me back then bcuz he is “busy” and he asked me why i kept messaging to him

Hi @aties - I understand how tough it must be if you're waiting on a reply to a message that took you a lot of time, thought, and courage to prepare and send. Minutes can feel like hours when we are waiting on something that's emotionally charged like this.

I want to echo what @Luie said and encourage you to try your best to focus on being kind to yourself and recognise that you sending that message took a lot of courage. As far as waiting for a response, I think that it's good to remind yourself that there are all sorts of reasons that they may be taking their time. This part is unfortunately out of your control and I personally wouldn't send any further messages. Instead, try to reassure yourself that you have done all you can for now and you can't rush this part. 

In the meantime, have you found any healthy distractions that have helped to take your mind off this situation so far?

 

[aties]

3 hours ago, Lennie said:

Hi @aties - I understand how tough it must be if you're waiting on a reply to a message that took you a lot of time, thought, and courage to prepare and send. Minutes can feel like hours when we are waiting on something that's emotionally charged like this.

I want to echo what @Luie said and encourage you to try your best to focus on being kind to yourself and recognise that you sending that message took a lot of courage. As far as waiting for a response, I think that it's good to remind yourself that there are all sorts of reasons that they may be taking their time. This part is unfortunately out of your control and I personally wouldn't send any further messages. Instead, try to reassure yourself that you have done all you can for now and you can't rush this part. 

In the meantime, have you found any healthy distractions that have helped to take your mind off this situation so far?

honestly... i now have the urge to message him again.. i am scared that he may ignore me again and no honestly i am having burnt out and procrastinate to my study because i cant distract myself from this thing

[Lennie]

56 minutes ago, aties said:

honestly... i now have the urge to message him again.. i am scared that he may ignore me again and no honestly i am having burnt out and procrastinate to my study because i cant distract myself from this thing

I totally get that urge to message again, because you want some kind of recognition and feedback after having been open and honest with someone who has hurt you in the past. This probably won't have the outcome you hope, though, as it'll likely make the other person feel rushed. Try to remember that this message took you quite a while to decide to prepare and send, so it's best to try to give this person some time too.

Thinking back to before you sent this message, we spoke about having someone to talk to after it had been sent. You mentioned that you have a friend who's aware of this situation, and they were someone you thought you could share how you were feeling with. Have you tried speaking with this friend yet? If so, how did that go?

[aties]

16 hours ago, Lennie said:

I totally get that urge to message again, because you want some kind of recognition and feedback after having been open and honest with someone who has hurt you in the past. This probably won't have the outcome you hope, though, as it'll likely make the other person feel rushed. Try to remember that this message took you quite a while to decide to prepare and send, so it's best to try to give this person some time too.

Thinking back to before you sent this message, we spoke about having someone to talk to after it had been sent. You mentioned that you have a friend who's aware of this situation, and they were someone you thought you could share how you were feeling with. Have you tried speaking with this friend yet? If so, how did that go?

actually i and she are not that close at that time i just asked her opinion.. Now sh is busy and so do isoi dont want to disturb her and i dont want to tell about my feelings at all

[Lennie]

31 minutes ago, aties said:

actually i and she are not that close at that time i just asked her opinion.. Now sh is busy and so do isoi dont want to disturb her and i dont want to tell about my feelings at all

I see, well that's totally reasonable if she is busy and you also don't want to share your feelings with her at the moment. Is there anyone else you're closer to who you can talk this over with? 

I know how difficult it can be when we open up to someone and are left without a response, that time waiting for them to reply can leave us with lots of doubts and worries. 

Do you think that it would help to try to do things that will take your mind off this situation? Are there options that come to mind that you think might help to get you into a different headspace where you aren't thinking about getting a reply to your message?