The Coyotea’s Den

[Coyotea]

6 minutes ago, Catsup said:

Hey, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with your privacy not being respected by your mom. Have you been able to talk to her yet about it?  And why do you think she is taking clothes away?

To “teach me to remember” apparently! 

[Catsup]

1 minute ago, Coyotea said:

To “teach me to remember” apparently! 

 

2 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

Because apparently I’m “too forgetful” and it’s to “teach me how to remember” 

When I am 99% sure I have ADHD! And I told her “hey, I think I have adhd, can we try to get that checked out?” And she just says “Oh honey, no you don’t.” Like oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were a freaking doctor and able to diagnose someone who you never even let see doctors. (Sorry for the side rant, I’m not mad at you)

That has to be really frustrating.  It sounds like you are doing your best to remember things.  Is there anyone else in the house who is more supportive of your struggles?  And do you see a doctor ever for even physical concerns?

[Coyotea]

I’m literally shaking I’m so furious

[Coyotea]

Just now, Catsup said:

That has to be really frustrating.  It sounds like you are doing your best to remember things.  Is there anyone else in the house who is more supportive of your struggles?  And do you see a doctor ever for even physical concerns?

It’s infuriating. My dad is awful and the worst, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him (which is not at all considering he is probably 3x my body weight) I can’t talk to anyone about this. I have my twin brother but he wouldn’t be much help. I did, once, when I fractured and dislocated my right pinky toe. Haven’t been to any medical professional since. We’re only allowed to go if it’s like a broken bone or worse.

[Catsup]

3 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

It’s infuriating. My dad is awful and the worst, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him (which is not at all considering he is probably 3x my body weight) I can’t talk to anyone about this. I have my twin brother but he wouldn’t be much help. I did, once, when I fractured and dislocated my right pinky toe. Haven’t been to any medical professional since. We’re only allowed to go if it’s like a broken bone or worse.

I'm sorry to hear all that.  I know you're really angry about this right now too, and I'm wondering if anything helps you relax?  Maybe listening to music?

If you do want to talk more about what's going on with you and your family, this is definitely a space for you.  Whether you want to continue this conversation here or on confidential support is up to you too. We're here for you!

[Coyotea]

I’m going to write my feelings and then post it here. 

[Coyotea]

Never mind, I do not believe that the thing I wrote would be okay to post. It’s too graphic and I think it would be triggering.

[Aurora]

8 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Never mind, I do not believe that the thing I wrote would be okay to post. It’s too graphic and I think it would be triggering.

That's very thoughtful of you. If you are worried that it's too graphic and might be triggering for some then please feel free to write it in a message on confidential support instead. Only support mentors can read your message there and we don't mind if it's graphic or triggering. And if you just want to vent that's also fine - just mention it in the message so we know. 

How are you feeling about it all today? We're here for you 

[Coyotea]

Had a riding lesson, it was okay. I fell off. Whatever.

on the way back my dad interrogated me about my feelings and why I seemed “depressed”

I don’t like talking a lot, not unless it’s with specific people. My father and mother are not those people. And I don’t trust either of them at all. As I’ve said before, every medical concern I’ve had is brushed off and I’m told “you need more exercise” or “you just need chores to do.” Or I’m told that I’m imagining it or making it up, or that I’m being silly. Or whatever the fuck reason they come up with. I hate this family. 

(IDK MAYBE BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION AND LIVE IN A HOUSEHOLD WITH AN ALCOHOLIC MAN WHO CONSTANTLY TALKS ABOUT HOW ‘MY KIND’ DESERVE TO GO TO HELL AND ARE PERVERTS? NAHHH MUST BE BECAUSE I STAY IN THE ONE PLACE THAT GIVES ME PEAVCE TO AVOID MY SHIT FAMILY! THE SAME MAN WHO DRANK A WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE AND 4 FUCKING BEERS AND THEN INTERROGATED ME ON ‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALL DIED?’ AND ‘HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE?’) 

Fml, I was already feeling unsafe around myself and now this? Even worse. I feel so awful, I don’t want to be here. I just want to stop. Unfortunately I can’t, because it’s not that easy, and I made promises to my friends and little brother. And before any mentors or anyone asks: No, I’m not going to do anything drastic. Sh? Maybe, I already relapsed yesterday. But I’m not ending it. I’m fine.

I don’t know if I clicked all the trigger warnings applicable to this but whatever.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

I’m really sorry to hear about this recent experience with your father. It sounds like it was a really uncomfortable situation for you to be put in, and I can really see why this would be challenging to live with. I am glad to hear you won’t be doing anything drastic and that you aren’t ending it. It sounds like you might benefit from doing something relaxing to help you wind down a little. What do you think? 
 

I can see what you said about him asking how you want to die. I’m wondering if you can tell me more about this? Why do you think he asked you this? Reading it from my point of view, it sounds like a threat, but I understand that tone can be lost on messages. Anyway, I just want you to know that we are here for you and want to help you. Take care and speak soon.

[Coyotea]

8 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

I’m really sorry to hear about this recent experience with your father. It sounds like it was a really uncomfortable situation for you to be put in, and I can really see why this would be challenging to live with. I am glad to hear you won’t be doing anything drastic and that you aren’t ending it. It sounds like you might benefit from doing something relaxing to help you wind down a little. What do you think? 
 

I can see what you said about him asking how you want to die. I’m wondering if you can tell me more about this? Why do you think he asked you this? Reading it from my point of view, it sounds like a threat, but I understand that tone can be lost on messages. Anyway, I just want you to know that we are here for you and want to help you. Take care and speak soon.

Maybe.

I don’t know if it was a threat. It didn’t exactly sound like one, and I know why. It’s because he was drunk out of his mind.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I’m wondering, can you tell me a little bit more about the conversation? Like, how did you get into that topic, and what did he say afterwards? Also, has he said anything like this before? I know there’s a lot of questions here, and please only answer if you feel comfortable doing so. Take care and speak soon.

[Catsup]

19 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Had a riding lesson, it was okay. I fell off. Whatever.

on the way back my dad interrogated me about my feelings and why I seemed “depressed”

I don’t like talking a lot, not unless it’s with specific people. My father and mother are not those people. And I don’t trust either of them at all. As I’ve said before, every medical concern I’ve had is brushed off and I’m told “you need more exercise” or “you just need chores to do.” Or I’m told that I’m imagining it or making it up, or that I’m being silly. Or whatever the fuck reason they come up with. I hate this family. 

(IDK MAYBE BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION AND LIVE IN A HOUSEHOLD WITH AN ALCOHOLIC MAN WHO CONSTANTLY TALKS ABOUT HOW ‘MY KIND’ DESERVE TO GO TO HELL AND ARE PERVERTS? NAHHH MUST BE BECAUSE I STAY IN THE ONE PLACE THAT GIVES ME PEAVCE TO AVOID MY SHIT FAMILY! THE SAME MAN WHO DRANK A WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE AND 4 FUCKING BEERS AND THEN INTERROGATED ME ON ‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALL DIED?’ AND ‘HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE?’) 

Fml, I was already feeling unsafe around myself and now this? Even worse. I feel so awful, I don’t want to be here. I just want to stop. Unfortunately I can’t, because it’s not that easy, and I made promises to my friends and little brother. And before any mentors or anyone asks: No, I’m not going to do anything drastic. Sh? Maybe, I already relapsed yesterday. But I’m not ending it. I’m fine.

I don’t know if I clicked all the trigger warnings applicable to this but whatever.

Hey there, I'm really sorry to hear that family is a struggle for you and that you're dealing hard with depression.  I know @Monsoon is supporting you too right now, but I wanted to let you know that I'm glad you're reaching out.  Do you have a school counselor or another adult you can try to reach out to as well?

[Coyotea]

3 hours ago, Catsup said:

Hey there, I'm really sorry to hear that family is a struggle for you and that you're dealing hard with depression.  I know @Monsoon is supporting you too right now, but I wanted to let you know that I'm glad you're reaching out.  Do you have a school counselor or another adult you can try to reach out to as well?

No, I’m homeschooled and I don’t trust the Christian youth group I’m forced to attend. 

[Coyotea]

7 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I’m wondering, can you tell me a little bit more about the conversation? Like, how did you get into that topic, and what did he say afterwards? Also, has he said anything like this before? I know there’s a lot of questions here, and please only answer if you feel comfortable doing so. Take care and speak soon.

I don’t entirely remember, I think my mom was talking about her work and then my dad started rambling about how everyone is greedy for power and then that somehow lead to “how do you want to die?” And “what do you think the best way to die is?” And other questions relating to death.

Not specifically this subject in this way, but he had kind of mentioned it in the past.

I don’t remember what he said afterwards, I used one of my nightly chores to get out of that conversation and sneak to bed.

Edited August 2, 2023 by Coyotea

[Coyotea]

I have so much art I wanna post but I caaaaaannnttt for the life of me figure out how to post pictures.

[Monsoon]

5 hours ago, Coyotea said:

I don’t entirely remember, I think my mom was talking about her work and then my dad started rambling about how everyone is greedy for power and then that somehow lead to “how do you want to die?” And “what do you think the best way to die is?” And other questions relating to death.

Not specifically this subject in this way, but he had kind of mentioned it in the past.

I don’t remember what he said afterwards, I used one of my nightly chores to get out of that conversation and sneak to bed.

Hey there,

That's a pretty unusual thing to say, but I do know that it can be interpreted in different ways. For example, it could have been a general curious question, but also a threat, or even something else. I'm wondering, what do you think it was? 

[Coyotea]

1 minute ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

That's a pretty unusual thing to say, but I do know that it can be interpreted in different ways. For example, it could have been a general curious question, but also a threat, or even something else. I'm wondering, what do you think it was? 

I don’t know. I just hope it doesn’t happen again.

[Duckie]

13 hours ago, Coyotea said:

I don’t know. I just hope it doesn’t happen again.

Hi @Coyotea,

How are you feeling today? You mentioned thinking you have ADHD and being immediately dismissed by your mom about this. That sounds really tough. A real ADHD assessment takes a long time and there's a reason for that. Not something someone gets to tell you immediately that you have or do not have. Are you able to make your own doctor's appointment if your mom isn't being helpful?

[Coyotea]

5 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Coyotea,

How are you feeling today? You mentioned thinking you have ADHD and being immediately dismissed by your mom about this. That sounds really tough. A real ADHD assessment takes a long time and there's a reason for that. Not something someone gets to tell you immediately that you have or do not have. Are you able to make your own doctor's appointment if your mom isn't being helpful?

I understand that it takes a long time for a real assessment. and as I said before it’s been like this for any medical concern I’ve had. I can’t make my own doctors appointment and even if I was able I only have my learner’s permit and can’t drive without my mom or my dad in the car. Both of which are completely against doctors and are the reason I’m not allowed to see any.(no I don’t get to do yearly check ups either. Like I said, my parents hate doctors and refuse to let us near them unless we have something like a broken bone or worse.) I live in a very rural area and so getting to any place that would be dealing with such a thing isn’t something I can just do.

[Monsoon]

4 hours ago, Coyotea said:

I understand that it takes a long time for a real assessment. and as I said before it’s been like this for any medical concern I’ve had. I can’t make my own doctors appointment and even if I was able I only have my learner’s permit and can’t drive without my mom or my dad in the car. Both of which are completely against doctors and are the reason I’m not allowed to see any.(no I don’t get to do yearly check ups either. Like I said, my parents hate doctors and refuse to let us near them unless we have something like a broken bone or worse.) I live in a very rural area and so getting to any place that would be dealing with such a thing isn’t something I can just do.

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing with us again about how your family are with doctors and the difficulties you would have getting to one without them even if you could book your own appointment. It's interesting that your parents hate doctors and refuse to let you near them - why do you think that is? I'm wondering, has there ever been a time when you've really needed medical care but weren't allowed to go?

[Coyotea]

On 8/3/2023 at 4:57 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing with us again about how your family are with doctors and the difficulties you would have getting to one without them even if you could book your own appointment. It's interesting that your parents hate doctors and refuse to let you near them - why do you think that is? I'm wondering, has there ever been a time when you've really needed medical care but weren't allowed to go?

Probably a mix of hate for the government and believing that every doctor is just there to get you on a million different drugs and make your health decline so much that you’re completely dependent and religious beliefs? (I don’t feel comfortable answering the second question)

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing how their views. Can I ask, what do you think about doctors? How do you feel about them? Also, that's okay that you don't feel comfortable answering the second question and I am glad you felt comfortable to set that boundary here. The reason I asked is because we are concerned about what's going on at home for you. If you are ill, you should be able to get medical help, especially if it is serious. We want to make sure things are safe for you at home and that you are receiving the care you should be; do you know what I mean?

[Coyotea]

1 hour ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing how their views. Can I ask, what do you think about doctors? How do you feel about them? Also, that's okay that you don't feel comfortable answering the second question and I am glad you felt comfortable to set that boundary here. The reason I asked is because we are concerned about what's going on at home for you. If you are ill, you should be able to get medical help, especially if it is serious. We want to make sure things are safe for you at home and that you are receiving the care you should be; do you know what I mean?

I don’t have any strong opinions on them, to be honest as long as they’re doing their job well and I can get the care I need then that’s it I guess? Sure I don’t trust them the same way I’d say..trust my best friend, but they’re still the medical professionals and know way more than I do. 

Honestly it depends when it comes to “severity”. I have issues with my hip and knees (it comes and goes and sometimes it’s really painful but other times I don’t even notice it. and yes I’ve brought it up.) but I can’t get a cane, arm crutches or any mobility aid. I’ve got serious issues when it comes to eating, its very disordered and I wouldn’t be surprised if I have developed an ED. As this post shows I struggle greatly with SH, and depression. I’m 99% sure I have ADHD (I’ve done years of research and comparing symptoms and making lists. I have it in a binder by my books. There has been so much back and forth about ‘do I have it?’ Or ‘am I just being dramatic and imagining stuff?’)  

God knows what else I might have or struggle with.. that’s the only stuff I’m sure about. But still none of those are “serious enough” to them.

I’ve had many instances in the past where they’ve brushed off any concern I’ve had or tell me I’m imagining it or that I just need more exercise to the point where I don’t trust them enough to share what’s going on. Oh! and I’ve had fainting issues since before my DE started! 
 

oh, and dysphoria but I’m not able to get a binder.

[Coyotea]

I’ve finally asked my mom about getting another cat 
she said we could but that I have to look up what shelters there are.