The Coyotea’s Den

[Coyotea]

This is going to be like a journal for me, or something, I’ll probably talk about my day, the good, the bad and the neutral. I might post things like vent stories (art of all kinds (no nfsw) if that’s a thing I can figure out/do)  

post progress about literally anything mental health wise. 

Yes it’s got lots of trigger warnings on it because I want to be able to get any that might come up here out of the way before I forget. 

Edited February 23 by Coyotea
Title change

[Coyotea]

I’ve got a riding lesson at 9am Today and I’m nervous, it’s been really hot out out lately and I can’t eat because if I do I’ll throw up. But if I don’t eat then I run the risk of fainting and on top of that I’m scared my mom will see my SH scars because I have to wear short-sleeves. Then at 12pm I have an appointment to get my hair cut, which is great! But I don’t know what to do, I’ll probably have to wear a bra and that means I’m going to be really dysphoric.. for some reason I feel better without one (It’s bad enough I have to wear one to my riding lesson )

So, I don’t know..do I go with without a bra to my appointment or not? Like- it’s none of their business and it’d be really fricking weird if they were looking. UGHHH idk it’s so frustrating not being able to decide.

Then my mom wants to go out and get something to eat..I don’t know if I’m ready for that, I struggle with eating so much, and I already ate yesterday and that nearly made me throw up. 

[Catsup]

5 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

I’ve got a riding lesson at 9am Today and I’m nervous, it’s been really hot out out lately and I can’t eat because if I do I’ll throw up. But if I don’t eat then I run the risk of fainting and on top of that I’m scared my mom will see my SH scars because I have to wear short-sleeves. Then at 12pm I have an appointment to get my hair cut, which is great! But I don’t know what to do, I’ll probably have to wear a bra and that means I’m going to be really dysphoric.. for some reason I feel better without one (It’s bad enough I have to wear one to my riding lesson )

So, I don’t know..do I go with without a bra to my appointment or not? Like- it’s none of their business and it’d be really fricking weird if they were looking. UGHHH idk it’s so frustrating not being able to decide.

Then my mom wants to go out and get something to eat..I don’t know if I’m ready for that, I struggle with eating so much, and I already ate yesterday and that nearly made me throw up. 

Hi there, I am Catsup, a support mentor here and was wondering if you wanted some support around your journal entries?  We're happy to respond here and you can also reach out on Confidential Support if you want to also.

The eating trouble sounds frustrating, If you don't mind answering here, do you know what is causing your eating troubles?

And it must be very difficult having to think hard about your clothing with going to your haircut and your gender dysphoria.  It sounds like a hard situation but if your haircut is indoors, would it be more helpful to bring a sweater to cover instead of a bra?  Ultimately it's up to you and you deserve to be comfortable in the way that works for you.

I hope your day goes well, and do let me know how we can best support you through everything!

[Coyotea]

1 hour ago, Catsup said:

Hi there, I am Catsup, a support mentor here and was wondering if you wanted some support around your journal entries?  We're happy to respond here and you can also reach out on Confidential Support if you want to also.

The eating trouble sounds frustrating, If you don't mind answering here, do you know what is causing your eating troubles?

And it must be very difficult having to think hard about your clothing with going to your haircut and your gender dysphoria.  It sounds like a hard situation but if your haircut is indoors, would it be more helpful to bring a sweater to cover instead of a bra?  Ultimately it's up to you and you deserve to be comfortable in the way that works for you.

I hope your day goes well, and do let me know how we can best support you through everything!

Thanks so much, Catsup. 
Yes and no, I think it’s a mix of things likely my depression giving me a lack of appetite and with my ADHD it’s hard to even remember. (or at least it started out that way) Now it’s more of a weight thing and kind of a fear of food. I don’t know if I’d call it an eating disorder, mainly because it makes it scarier to think about. But in short it’s just really complicated..

As for the hair cut situation I’ll probably wear a hoodie or sweater like you said. 

[Coyotea]

So my riding lesson got canceled, again. This is the 6th time! I’m losing so much training, I’m going to be so behind and it’ll take forever to get back to where I was. I know it’s not my trainer’s fault, she had no say in what the weather would be or that the horse I was going to be riding got injured or that her car broke down. But it’s still upsetting, riding gives me something to do, it takes my mind off of a lot of things going on in life and it’s a thing that makes me feel like I’m actually functional.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Coyotea

[Megs-]

sndin u hug. sry it got canlled. hpe it restrs soon 

[Coyotea]

Haircut went well, we went out to eat…every portion was so big omg

and my mom kept pushing for me to eat, and so now I feel like throwing up 

I did get to have Taro boba though- that was good.

[TinyDinos]

16 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

Haircut went well, we went out to eat…every portion was so big omg

and my mom kept pushing for me to eat, and so now I feel like throwing up 

I did get to have Taro boba though- that was good.

Sorry that she was putting pressure on you :(

Taro is delicious. Especially in Boba. I’m personally a matcha girl, but I get Taro if they have it.

[Coyotea]

1 hour ago, TinyDinos said:

Sorry that she was putting pressure on you :(

Taro is delicious. Especially in Boba. I’m personally a matcha girl, but I get Taro if they have it.

Unfortunately they didn’t have matcha, I’m probably going to have Thai tea next time I go. (Or passion fruit or Strawberry, both are good flavors)

[TinyDinos]

15 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

Unfortunately they didn’t have matcha, I’m probably going to have Thai tea next time I go. (Or passion fruit or Strawberry, both are good flavors)

Ooo Thai tea boba is my favorite 

[Coyotea]

2 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

Ooo Thai tea boba is my favorite 

It’s such a good flavor! 

Edited July 20, 2023 by Coyotea

[Coyotea]

I don’t know why, but I feel like the people I care about hate me. I just get this sense that they’re only talking to me out of politeness or that they’re going to leave me.

[Coyotea]

 

The box

 

 

No matter how much or how hard he pounded his fists against the walls, no matter how much he screamed until he made his own ears ring and lost his voice, he was still here. 

 

No one ever looked at him. That’s just how it was.

 

On occasion he would be taken out of the box, and when that would happen his heart would leap hopefully. But it was fleeting, and then he was back.

 

And then he was stuck again.

 

When he could no longer tolerate the clear walls and be content watching others outside having fun, he did the one thing he knew he could.

 

He was done living when it was convenient.

He was done surviving.

 

[Coyotea]

Don’t mind me..I’m posting vent stories- so uh..yeah.

[Coyotea]

 

The words flow like water, but they’re words, that’s all they are. “I didn’t mean to.” 

“I promise it won’t happen again”

“You’re important.”

“You matter”

“It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

 

Promises with no truth to them, yet I drink them up like a dog deprived of water. this well’s water is dead. 

 

And I still drink.

 

I drink until I choke and I become bloated and my stomach taut.

I drink because that’s all I can do.

I drink.

When no more water came i peer over the wall of stones and into the dark.

I climb in, and I fall.

 

I found no more water in the well.

 

And no one found me.

 

[TinyDinos]

2 hours ago, Coyotea said:

The box

No matter how much or how hard he pounded his fists against the walls, no matter how much he screamed until he made his own ears ring and lost his voice, he was still here. 

No one ever looked at him. That’s just how it was.

On occasion he would be taken out of the box, and when that would happen his heart would leap hopefully. But it was fleeting, and then he was back.

And then he was stuck again.

When he could no longer tolerate the clear walls and be content watching others outside having fun, he did the one thing he knew he could.

He was done living when it was convenient.

He was done surviving.

This is beautiful

[TinyDinos]

2 hours ago, Coyotea said:

I don’t know why, but I feel like the people I care about hate me. I just get this sense that they’re only talking to me out of politeness or that they’re going to leave me.

Also I feel this

[Monsoon]

6 hours ago, Coyotea said:

I don’t know why, but I feel like the people I care about hate me. I just get this sense that they’re only talking to me out of politeness or that they’re going to leave me.

Hey Coyotea,

I just wanted to check in to see how you're feeling? I've read your stories which are very deep and poetic. You are talented for sure :)

However, I couldn't help but notice that the themes are quite dark, so that's why I wanted to see how you're doing. Take care and speak soon. 

[Coyotea]

54 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey Coyotea,

I just wanted to check in to see how you're feeling? I've read your stories which are very deep and poetic. You are talented for sure :)

However, I couldn't help but notice that the themes are quite dark, so that's why I wanted to see how you're doing. Take care and speak soon. 

Thanks, I don’t write often so my punctuation and grammar might be a bit wacky.
I’m not sure if I’m okay, but i’ll be fine. I’m not in danger or anything.

Yeah, the themes of my writing tend to be pretty dark and horror is one of my favorite genres so that often shows in my work. The stories I have posted are actually some of the tamer ones (imo) I plan on posting the others if that’s alright. 

[Zayn]

Hey everyone

[Catsup]

22 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Thanks so much, Catsup. 
Yes and no, I think it’s a mix of things likely my depression giving me a lack of appetite and with my ADHD it’s hard to even remember. (or at least it started out that way) Now it’s more of a weight thing and kind of a fear of food. I don’t know if I’d call it an eating disorder, mainly because it makes it scarier to think about. But in short it’s just really complicated..

As for the hair cut situation I’ll probably wear a hoodie or sweater like you said. 

22 hours ago, Coyotea said:

So my riding lesson got canceled, again. This is the 6th time! I’m losing so much training, I’m going to be so behind and it’ll take forever to get back to where I was. I know it’s not my trainer’s fault, she had no say in what the weather would be or that the horse I was going to be riding got injured or that her car broke down. But it’s still upsetting, riding gives me something to do, it takes my mind off of a lot of things going on in life and it’s a thing that makes me feel like I’m actually functional.

Hey there, I'm going to respond to a few things from you, since I want to make sure I reply to everything.

It sounds like there's a lot going on with food for you, and we're very happy to support with that more privately since it's not a topic I would want to ask too much detail about on the forum. I'm going to follow up with you more on that in Confidential Support if that's okay.

I'm sorry to hear your riding lesson got canceled again.  That must be really frustrating.  What did you end up doing instead, and what other things make you feel functional?  It sounds like writing is a great outlet for you.  You're welcome to share (taking care not to post anything too triggering to other users).  I hope you are having a lovely day!

[Megs-]

2 hours ago, Zayn said:

Hey everyone

hi

[Coyotea]

12 minutes ago, Catsup said:

Hey there, I'm going to respond to a few things from you, since I want to make sure I reply to everything.

It sounds like there's a lot going on with food for you, and we're very happy to support with that more privately since it's not a topic I would want to ask too much detail about on the forum. I'm going to follow up with you more on that in Confidential Support if that's okay.

I'm sorry to hear your riding lesson got canceled again.  That must be really frustrating.  What did you end up doing instead, and what other things make you feel functional?  It sounds like writing is a great outlet for you.  You're welcome to share (taking care not to post anything too triggering to other users).  I hope you are having a lovely day!

Yeah, following up in confidential support is fine, but I probably won’t be online until after 11am est.

Nothing really, just got a haircut. I don’t know if anything else I do makes me feel the same way.

I’ll try not to post anything too triggering but I don’t know exactly where the line is for that. All of my writing will have trigger warnings just to be sure.

[Coyotea]

2 hours ago, Zayn said:

Hey everyone

Hi

[Catsup]

7 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

Yeah, following up in confidential support is fine, but I probably won’t be online until after 11am est.

Nothing really, just got a haircut. I don’t know if anything else I do makes me feel the same way.

I’ll try not to post anything too triggering but I don’t know exactly where the line is for that. All of my writing will have trigger warnings just to be sure.

Okay, that sounds good, no rush to reply at all. :)

Riding sounds like an amazing hobby for you and I hope next time you have a riding lesson scheduled, it'll be able to happen.

And yeah, trigger warnings are very helpful and we can help moderate anything if needed too, so do feel free to express yourself and your writing here!