uhhhhm what do I do now?

[Emberfrost12]

WELL. My sanity is decreasing evidently. In drama today I had what we could call a demonstration of this.

I started talking to one of my 'alters', called Ghost.

And I did it aloud. Thankfully, we were in a room with only ten-ish of the 40-ish people in my drama class.

But I was still arguing with Ghost aloud. 

And I don't know what to do. 

My teacher made me go to student services, and one of the guidance counselors there basically told me that she wanted to tell my parents. I refused, and she got kinda annoyed but I'm back in class and....

Panicking. What the hell do I do? If it's getting that much worse, what- what do I do?

[Emberfrost12]

@Monsoon

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thank you for telling me about your experience with one of the alters today. It’s really encouraging to hear that school were able to offer you support in that moment. I can see that you didn’t want them to tell your parents which I’m curious about. Can you tell me more about that? Also, I’m wondering, have you felt like it’s been like this before? If so, what helped you to get through it? 

[Emberfrost12]

9 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Thank you for telling me about your experience with one of the alters today. It’s really encouraging to hear that school were able to offer you support in that moment. I can see that you didn’t want them to tell your parents which I’m curious about. Can you tell me more about that? Also, I’m wondering, have you felt like it’s been like this before? If so, what helped you to get through it? 

Oh, no, they did not really offer support. That person basically told me that I needed to talk to someone more professional and that I shouldn't be doing that because it would 'worry other students and teachers'. 

I don't want my parents to know because I can't imagine they'd help. If dissociation is hard for them to understand, other identities will be a pain, and I don't have the control to deal with that.

No, it hasn't been this bad. Which is scary because...it means it's getting worse. A few things that have increased since last time we talked is that consequences don't seem like consequences, people don't feel entirely real, my sense of touch is blurred, I can't really think properly unless I'm pushing it toward something (For example, if I'm writing/typing, or talking, I am able to think clearly). Nothing feels negative (I've always known that at some point negativity will disappear and all I'll have left is nothingness, and now, it's true). And I've effectively given up on even a chance that the dissociation could get better. Because it's getting worse too fast and it's caught so much momentum, I doubt there's even a way to turn it around at this point.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

It sounds like you feel really hopeless at the moment and as if things might not get better; is that fair for me to say? From the comment you made, it is like you don't know what to do next which I think is completely understandable when you are in a challenging situation that you have never experienced before. I am wondering, even though things do sound really hard at the moment, do you think there is even one small things that could be done to make you feel better, even if it's only a tiny bit? Also, even if they can't help you themselves (your parents), could it be that they get help from someone else? Do you know what I mean? 

[Emberfrost12]

18 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

It sounds like you feel really hopeless at the moment and as if things might not get better; is that fair for me to say? From the comment you made, it is like you don't know what to do next which I think is completely understandable when you are in a challenging situation that you have never experienced before. I am wondering, even though things do sound really hard at the moment, do you think there is even one small things that could be done to make you feel better, even if it's only a tiny bit? Also, even if they can't help you themselves (your parents), could it be that they get help from someone else? Do you know what I mean? 

Yeah, totally fair for you to say.

I guess I could try to do something to make me feel a bit better. I'll figure something out :)

Yeah. I know what you mean, I just.....don't want to deal with their reactions and stuff, I am so fed up with everything that even normal functioning is taking a toll and I just have no patience for anything.

[Emberfrost12]

(Evidently monsoon is away, so if someone else wants to take this thread up, you are definitely welcomed to it)

[Emberfrost12]

35 minutes ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Yeah, totally fair for you to say.

I guess I could try to do something to make me feel a bit better. I'll figure something out :)

Yeah. I know what you mean, I just.....don't want to deal with their reactions and stuff, I am so fed up with everything that even normal functioning is taking a toll and I just have no patience for anything.

Also; I am still scared that I'm somehow making them up.

I'm honestly just scared that people won't see me the same way, after that.

I don't know what is causing this but everything is just way. too. f*cking. much.

[Duckie]

48 minutes ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Also; I am still scared that I'm somehow making them up.

I'm honestly just scared that people won't see me the same way, after that.

I don't know what is causing this but everything is just way. too. f*cking. much.

Hi @Emberfrost12

My name is Duckie and I am one of the support mentors. I have experience with dissociation and identity splittings and I am curious to know what you were talking to one of your 'alters' about, but only if you're comfortable sharing this with me of course. It sounds like this was unconcious, until you suddenly became aware that you had been speaking to Ghost. Am I understanding this right?

Is this the first time you've found yourself doing this? I can tell that it made you scared and worried for your mental state, but this is something that happens during dissociative episodes sometimes, and it is completely normal. It sounds like the school doesn't know how to deal with it in my honest opinion, and I am getting the impression that sending you to student services might have brought you more stress than neccessary. How was drama class up until this point for you? Did this happen during some kind of exercise or out of the blue in class? How are you feeling now?

[Emberfrost12]

1 hour ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Emberfrost12

My name is Duckie and I am one of the support mentors. I have experience with dissociation and identity splittings and I am curious to know what you were talking to one of your 'alters' about, but only if you're comfortable sharing this with me of course. It sounds like this was unconcious, until you suddenly became aware that you had been speaking to Ghost. Am I understanding this right?

Is this the first time you've found yourself doing this? I can tell that it made you scared and worried for your mental state, but this is something that happens during dissociative episodes sometimes, and it is completely normal. It sounds like the school doesn't know how to deal with it in my honest opinion, and I am getting the impression that sending you to student services might have brought you more stress than neccessary. How was drama class up until this point for you? Did this happen during some kind of exercise or out of the blue in class? How are you feeling now?

Oh, thank you Duckie, hi

We were effectively arguing about anything. They kept touching on some of my intrusive thoughts about how everyone was going to *** ** * *** *****. Fun, I know. And I was aware that we were talking aloud, but wasn't really able to stop doing it. Ghost kept on switching between talking aloud with me (using my voice) or was talking inside my head.

I've done it before with a different alter, but never around other people. Generally both of them dislike being around when other people are in the area, but people are starting to feel less real so that could have something to do with that. Yeah, it was unnecessarily stressful especially since it was one of those people who immediately tells me she can't help me. I told her I was fine but she was refusing to believe me, which I guess is fair, but....I hate it when people just seem to want to hand me to someone else ASAP. Drama's been fine; stressful but fine. It's definitely a class where I get super angry at myself for anything that wasn't absolutely amazing, so...that's stressful. Especially sense I tend to have group members who aren't always here.  It happened kinda out of the blue, in an extra room. I'm still somewhat panicking but it's better. I'm just trying to keep everything together but I've become a bit (passive) agressive

[Duckie]

4 minutes ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Oh, thank you Duckie, hi

We were effectively arguing about anything. They kept touching on some of my intrusive thoughts about how everyone was going to *** in a car *****. Fun, I know. And I was aware that we were talking aloud, but wasn't really able to stop doing it. Ghost kept on switching between talking aloud with me (using my voice) or was talking inside my head.

I've done it before with a different alter, but never around other people. Generally both of them dislike being around when other people are in the area, but people are starting to feel less real so that could have something to do with that. Yeah, it was unnecessarily stressful especially since it was one of those people who immediately tells me she can't help me. I told her I was fine but she was refusing to believe me, which I guess is fair, but....I hate it when people just seem to want to hand me to someone else ASAP. Drama's been fine; stressful but fine. It's definitely a class where I get super angry at myself for anything that wasn't absolutely amazing, so...that's stressful. Especially sense I tend to have group members who aren't always here.  It happened kinda out of the blue, in an extra room. I'm still somewhat panicking but it's better. I'm just trying to keep everything together but I've become a bit (passive) agressive

Hi,

Thank you for sharing this with me. Do you think feeling stressed in drama might have triggered this event somehow? Sometimes 'alters' can work like a coping mechanism when we need to dissociate from something that feels stressful or even like a threat to us. What do you think? Have you heard anything from the school since?

[Emberfrost12]

17 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Hi,

Thank you for sharing this with me. Do you think feeling stressed in drama might have triggered this event somehow? Sometimes 'alters' can work like a coping mechanism when we need to dissociate from something that feels stressful or even like a threat to us. What do you think? Have you heard anything from the school since?

Maybe. I don't really know? 

Well, no, this school is a) very bad at following through things, and b) No one here seems to know how to help me.

Also, I think things might be extra stressful right now because it's the last stretch of school (seven more days...)

I don't know. I don't think that my alter(s) should be appearing right now, and I can't really see them as helpful when one tells me to jump out a window and the other calls everyone slurs. Besides, I'm not that stressed...but I might be more stressed than I think because I can tell that I'm so fully dissociated that my ability to think is impacted, and therefore it makes sense that the stress would be hiding. 

[Emberfrost12]

3 minutes ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Maybe. I don't really know? 

Well, no, this school is a) very bad at following through things, and b) No one here seems to know how to help me.

Also, I think things might be extra stressful right now because it's the last stretch of school (seven more days...)

I don't know. I don't think that my alter(s) should be appearing right now, and I can't really see them as helpful when one tells me to jump out a window and the other calls everyone slurs. Besides, I'm not that stressed...but I might be more stressed than I think because I can tell that I'm so fully dissociated that my ability to think is impacted, and therefore it makes sense that the stress would be hiding. 

I just want to note, Ghost used to be a lot more friendly. There is a chance it's my other alter who I originally confused with ghost, but I don't know.  Ghost used to be the voice of reason and now they've become a lot more aggressive. The other one also seems to really want to front, as opposed to ghost who never has wanted to front until recently

[Emberfrost12]

 

I apologize for the long reply that probably made you want to avoid reading this at first. I try to maintain a readable writing style so this shouldn’t be too awful to read, but…yeah. I’m sorry. Especially since the first actual sentence is ‘this could be nothing’

Um, this could be nothing, or it could be something, but i figured i may as well mention it?
    So. Before I started dissociating, I saw emotion as colors on a wall. (Wow, and now I like painted walls.) This is probably a large part of why my emotional regulation was so bad that I ended up getting anger management therapy (pausing to close your eyes and look at a wall was probably too time consuming for me) Anyway, that wall turned grayscale (because of dissociation, presumably) and then disappeared. Actually, more recently i’ve noticed that i can no longer see color in my imagination (instead of being able to see it, i simply know what it is) , which is something that i was arguing with ghost about (not only was i arguing with them aloud, i was asking for him to ‘give the color back’). Anyway, the ’color wall’ is something I only realized was weird when i asked my friends if it was normal because I had been thinking about how my first ‘counselor’ ended sessions after telling me she didn’t understand this concept i was attempting to explain (I took an entire hour trying to explain it while not knowing it wasn’t normal!) and now I’m a bit insecure about it because that wall has been gone for three, maybe four years and I’m scared I’m making it up
Sorry for the long read; I tend to pile information because it’s the way I tend to think and because in theory, too much information is better than too little. But I do realize that writing paragraphs can make it a bit painful, so you are welcome to ask for me to try and make answers like this more concise. 

Also, question: how bad can dissociation get? Like, other than with other personalities and switching, I think i may have reached the limit or be getting very close to reaching the limit on everything. (Also switching personalities is not a fun experience. I do not recommend)
I’m just trying to ignore that very strong feeling of ‘what if I’m making all of this up??’
And annoying person in student services made one of those ‘you don’t seem like you want to get better’ comments and i hate that so much because i do want to get better, but i also…don’t?
It doesn’t feel bad, so why should i want to get better? But then again, everything has lost value so therefore I need to get better?
Ahhhhhh

(Once again, sorry for the long reply, sorry if this is formatted weirdly btw. I had a friend copy/paste the reply for times sake)
 

 

[Duckie]

3 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I apologize for the long reply that probably made you want to avoid reading this at first. I try to maintain a readable writing style so this shouldn’t be too awful to read, but…yeah. I’m sorry. Especially since the first actual sentence is ‘this could be nothing’

Um, this could be nothing, or it could be something, but i figured i may as well mention it?
    So. Before I started dissociating, I saw emotion as colors on a wall. (Wow, and now I like painted walls.) This is probably a large part of why my emotional regulation was so bad that I ended up getting anger management therapy (pausing to close your eyes and look at a wall was probably too time consuming for me) Anyway, that wall turned grayscale (because of dissociation, presumably) and then disappeared. Actually, more recently i’ve noticed that i can no longer see color in my imagination (instead of being able to see it, i simply know what it is) , which is something that i was arguing with ghost about (not only was i arguing with them aloud, i was asking for him to ‘give the color back’). Anyway, the ’color wall’ is something I only realized was weird when i asked my friends if it was normal because I had been thinking about how my first ‘counselor’ ended sessions after telling me she didn’t understand this concept i was attempting to explain (I took an entire hour trying to explain it while not knowing it wasn’t normal!) and now I’m a bit insecure about it because that wall has been gone for three, maybe four years and I’m scared I’m making it up
Sorry for the long read; I tend to pile information because it’s the way I tend to think and because in theory, too much information is better than too little. But I do realize that writing paragraphs can make it a bit painful, so you are welcome to ask for me to try and make answers like this more concise. 

Also, question: how bad can dissociation get? Like, other than with other personalities and switching, I think i may have reached the limit or be getting very close to reaching the limit on everything. (Also switching personalities is not a fun experience. I do not recommend)
I’m just trying to ignore that very strong feeling of ‘what if I’m making all of this up??’
And annoying person in student services made one of those ‘you don’t seem like you want to get better’ comments and i hate that so much because i do want to get better, but i also…don’t?
It doesn’t feel bad, so why should i want to get better? But then again, everything has lost value so therefore I need to get better?
Ahhhhhh

(Once again, sorry for the long reply, sorry if this is formatted weirdly btw. I had a friend copy/paste the reply for times sake)
 

Hi @Emberfrost12, I'm back.

Please don't apologise. I had to leave because my shift ended, but I am back again and there was nothing wrong with the length of your reply :) Me and the other support mentors are here for you.

Even though it might not seem helpful to have intrusive thoughts and 'alters', it is often a way to deal with things being too overwhelming in your life, and sometimes something moderately stressful can snowball into situations where you "need" the 'alters' to cope with it. It is complex and messy at times, and omg I can't believe the person in student services told you that you don't WANT to get better!! Jeez. Again, this is very complex and putting it all in headlight like that, whilst also putting guilt on you, is very unproffessional. I think your assumption that they don't know what they are doing is spot on.

It might be that what used to work for you (ie putting up a wall and putting paint over it) doesn't do it for you anymore and this image is not as easy to access anymore. But it sounds like an artistic outlet, and those are really helpful to turn to. Do you have any form of artistic outlet in your life, such as art, arts and crafts, music, dance etc.? Feelings need direction and drama can sometimes overdirect those feelings. But I am not in any way suggesting you should stop doing that if it's something you like doing :) Just adding more healthy coping mechanisms to the mix.

Have you ever tried mapping out the 'alters'? Who are they, what age are they and what do they want? It might not have so much to do with the things they are telling you, but rather about how they are trying to take your attention away from something. There are situations where you might even forget about them, and there are situations where they will seem more accessible, which can be during times of stress.

How do you feel about leaving school soon? Have you got any plans for the summer?

 

[Emberfrost12]

5 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Emberfrost12, I'm back.

Please don't apologise. I had to leave because my shift ended, but I am back again and there was nothing wrong with the length of your reply :) Me and the other support mentors are here for you.

Even though it might not seem helpful to have intrusive thoughts and 'alters', it is often a way to deal with things being too overwhelming in your life, and sometimes something moderately stressful can snowball into situations where you "need" the 'alters' to cope with it. It is complex and messy at times, and omg I can't believe the person in student services told you that you don't WANT to get better!! Jeez. Again, this is very complex and putting it all in headlight like that, whilst also putting guilt on you, is very unproffessional. I think your assumption that they don't know what they are doing is spot on.

It might be that what used to work for you (ie putting up a wall and putting paint over it) doesn't do it for you anymore and this image is not as easy to access anymore. But it sounds like an artistic outlet, and those are really helpful to turn to. Do you have any form of artistic outlet in your life, such as art, arts and crafts, music, dance etc.? Feelings need direction and drama can sometimes overdirect those feelings. But I am not in any way suggesting you should stop doing that if it's something you like doing :) Just adding more healthy coping mechanisms to the mix.

Have you ever tried mapping out the 'alters'? Who are they, what age are they and what do they want? It might not have so much to do with the things they are telling you, but rather about how they are trying to take your attention away from something. There are situations where you might even forget about them, and there are situations where they will seem more accessible, which can be during times of stress.

How do you feel about leaving school soon? Have you got any plans for the summer?

I think it's because I was in student services last week after completely shutting down. She probably just finds me annoying for not wanting to tell my parents...

It wasn't really what 'worked' for me, it was just the way emotions appeared. I don't know if they existed in any other formatting. And yeah, art is definitely a thing I do. 

Not really. I can pinpoint 'Regal' but Ghost is more confusing. They used to seem older than me and more recently they're younger. Which makes me suspicious that i might be confusing them with someone else. 

I don't know what they want. In the past, I've worked out that Ghost wants physical safety and Regal wants social safety. But I don't know how far that goes air if there is anything else. 

I have all the plans for the summer. 60 hours of volunteering, two weeks of overnight summer camps, and other stuff

[Emberfrost12]

Also, I realized that this is a new alter. Everyone starts off getting confused with Ghost, evidently. 

I got to have all four of us having a relatively calm mental discussion. So I think now that I have them pinned down, I can handle his presence better, although it's still gonna be rough because Regal was bad enough. (This new one is evidently younger than me, but they are almost as bad as regal in terms of being discriminatory)

[Aurora]

6 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Also, I realized that this is a new alter. Everyone starts off getting confused with Ghost, evidently. 

I got to have all four of us having a relatively calm mental discussion. So I think now that I have them pinned down, I can handle his presence better, although it's still gonna be rough because Regal was bad enough. (This new one is evidently younger than me, but they are almost as bad as regal in terms of being discriminatory)

Hi there, Duckie is off until Monday so I thought I would jump in. I hope you don't mind. 

That's interesting that you managed to have a calm mental discussion with your alters. I get the impression by having that discussion and the realisation that this is a new alter, you feel a bit more calm and in control of everything, Is that right? Have you noticed any patterns as to when they seem more present? 

I know you've been working on your art quite a bit recently. I'm wondering, whether you might find it helpful to use art as a way of mapping out your alters?  

[Emberfrost12]

7 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, Duckie is off until Monday so I thought I would jump in. I hope you don't mind. 

That's interesting that you managed to have a calm mental discussion with your alters. I get the impression by having that discussion and the realisation that this is a new alter, you feel a bit more calm and in control of everything, Is that right? Have you noticed any patterns as to when they seem more present? 

I know you've been working on your art quite a bit recently. I'm wondering, whether you might find it helpful to use art as a way of mapping out your alters?  

Not at all :)

A bit more. They're homophobic though which is annoying (half of us are queer and the other half is homophobic :(  ) I think they're present just when I have a lot of general stress (but if I panic, I'm on my own, I think)

Maybe. How do you map out alters though?

[Aurora]

15 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Not at all :)

A bit more. They're homophobic though which is annoying (half of us are queer and the other half is homophobic :(  ) I think they're present just when I have a lot of general stress (but if I panic, I'm on my own, I think)

Maybe. How do you map out alters though?

That's a good question. I'm really not very good at art but I do find that if I start drawing/painting often my body just kind of takes over and I start drawing stuff without really thinking about it. Is that what it's like for you sometimes?  Maybe you could have an alter in mind and just start drawing/painting and see what you come up with. It might be interesting for you to see how you would portray them and that might give you some more insight into what they want. Do you think that might work?  

I can imagine it must be tough for you that they are homophobic. If you think of your alters as a way to help you cope during stressful times, do you have any thoughts on why they might be homophobic?

Also, do you mind me asking if the guidance counsellor ended up telling your parents what happened or did they respect your wishes and didn't tell them? 

 

[Emberfrost12]

7 hours ago, Aurora said:

That's a good question. I'm really not very good at art but I do find that if I start drawing/painting often my body just kind of takes over and I start drawing stuff without really thinking about it. Is that what it's like for you sometimes?  Maybe you could have an alter in mind and just start drawing/painting and see what you come up with. It might be interesting for you to see how you would portray them and that might give you some more insight into what they want. Do you think that might work?  

I can imagine it must be tough for you that they are homophobic. If you think of your alters as a way to help you cope during stressful times, do you have any thoughts on why they might be homophobic?

Also, do you mind me asking if the guidance counsellor ended up telling your parents what happened or did they respect your wishes and didn't tell them? 

Yeah, it is. I mapped them out in writing, because it's more.....clear

I don't know....this makes it so that half the alters are homophobic, and the other half of us are queer. This is really unfair >:0

No, she didn't. 

So, uhhhhhh....I may have accidentally made myself spiral into denial yesterday???? I do a thing where I'll try to research stuff hoping for solutions (I never actually find solutions, so I don't know why I still do it), and I was trying to find something about the dissociation and ahhhhhh it made my worry that I don't have 'enough' trauma worse, and that I'm making up the others. Especially because my experiences with it seem....different. I don't have a mindspace, I can't back away from control completely (Think having hands on a steering wheel but the steering wheel can move on its own, rather than completely taking the hands off), but I'm certain that  I did switch at some point. And it's especially bad because I no longer have the ability to really tell if the others are there, unless they talk. Also, I'm worried that Ghost might be the original, because all the other alters have split off of him and it feels like that makes him the 'first' personality??

Also with the color thing, I did the same research thing and found just about nothing and it makes me scared and nervous because that's not normal and it feels like it makes me unnatural and....wrong. I don't understand?? The dissociation has made emotions confusing to understand, but now I'm being told that the way I originally understood them isn't correct. 

And I kinda just noticed that I have no memories of the first bits of the anger management therapy I got in fifth grade. Could be nothing but that seems suspicious, considering fifth grade is also when the, uh, main trauma happened...

[Emberfrost12]

Also, I read that all the alters together make up the original personality. Does this mean I'm 50% queer and 50% discriminatory???????

[Emberfrost12]

@Duckie, just tagging you in for tomorrow

[Duckie]

16 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

@Duckie, just tagging you in for tomorrow

Hi @Emberfrost12, how are you?

I completely understand why you would feel the need to research these things online. We want answers and when the answers we are getting are inconclusive, it's no wonder we go look for answers online. I often find I get really wound up when doing so, but I also try to be kind to myself, because as frustrating as it is, it still feels like 'doing something'. Sometimes it brings peace of mind to wander looking for answers, and sometimes it unfortunately only winds us up. Please know that you are normal for wanting to give yourself good advice and educating yourself on this. You might already be the most educated person out there, because you have lived experience of dissociation and you know how this can affect your life.

When we experience trauma from a young age, before our psyche is developed, it can make the impact of the trauma more confusing. It doesn't neccessarily matter how severe or long the traumatic event/events was for, but rather how it affected a young mind. It makes sense to me that two of your alters wants some kind of security. Because the traumatic event/events strips that away. Now, how can we make your alters get what they want/need? Do they have a comforting method, or an item? It is OK to have sensory toys, notebooks or any kind of item or habit that brings security. Because people that are afraid will sometimes say hurtful things. Feelings need direction, and it might be a way to get your attention to direct the feelings toward something you really care about. What do you think?

Another thing I thought about is to map out your alters, like @Aurorasuggested, but maybe using post it notes. Have you ever done like a 'crime wall', like they do in police series? I like to do this with colour coded post-it notes on an empty wall. I can take a picture of it and use it for when I need to see it. It can also be quite therapeutic to give yourself that space. It's interesting what you said about feeling like you don't have hands on a steering wheel. Having hands is quite symbolic of being able to defend yourself or showing you are vulnerable. A lot of kids that have experience trauma will draw self-portraits of themselves, but not ever draw their hands. What do you think about this? Could there be something symbolic about this?

[Emberfrost12]

3 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Emberfrost12, how are you?

I completely understand why you would feel the need to research these things online. We want answers and when the answers we are getting are inconclusive, it's no wonder we go look for answers online. I often find I get really wound up when doing so, but I also try to be kind to myself, because as frustrating as it is, it still feels like 'doing something'. Sometimes it brings peace of mind to wander looking for answers, and sometimes it unfortunately only winds us up. Please know that you are normal for wanting to give yourself good advice and educating yourself on this. You might already be the most educated person out there, because you have lived experience of dissociation and you know how this can affect your life.

When we experience trauma from a young age, before our psyche is developed, it can make the impact of the trauma more confusing. It doesn't neccessarily matter how severe or long the traumatic event/events was for, but rather how it affected a young mind. It makes sense to me that two of your alters wants some kind of security. Because the traumatic event/events strips that away. Now, how can we make your alters get what they want/need? Do they have a comforting method, or an item? It is OK to have sensory toys, notebooks or any kind of item or habit that brings security. Because people that are afraid will sometimes say hurtful things. Feelings need direction, and it might be a way to get your attention to direct the feelings toward something you really care about. What do you think?

Another thing I thought about is to map out your alters, like @Aurorasuggested, but maybe using post it notes. Have you ever done like a 'crime wall', like they do in police series? I like to do this with colour coded post-it notes on an empty wall. I can take a picture of it and use it for when I need to see it. It can also be quite therapeutic to give yourself that space. It's interesting what you said about feeling like you don't have hands on a steering wheel. Having hands is quite symbolic of being able to defend yourself or showing you are vulnerable. A lot of kids that have experience trauma will draw self-portraits of themselves, but not ever draw their hands. What do you think about this? Could there be something symbolic about this?

Feeling like I don't exist (so, okay). How are you?

Okay. 

Wdym, they want security? Like, I get that they probably do, but what said that..? I tend to fiddle with pencils. I don't know if that fits, but....it's what I do. OHhhhh you mean the ones that are a touch, ah, homophobic want security?

I love doing the crime wall thing >:) I'll try to do that. 

Oh, I was just using a metaphor. The less metaphorical version of what I was trying to say is that when someone else is taking control or fronting, i can't detach myself completely. I'm still sharing the ability to control myself physically a bit, but it's like I can't move, and I have to still watch what I'm physically doing. I don't go anywhere. 

 

Also do you have even a little bit of info on the 'seeing emotions as colors' thing? I'm kinda freaking out about it, because now I'm understanding that I've NEVER experienced emotions normally and now I have nothing to relate those experiences to and emotions make even less sense to me.