uhhhhm what do I do now?

[Emberfrost12]

Also, our average conversation dynamic is something like this: The unnamed new guy (the eleven year old) is just bored, I want answers, Regal likes torturing me with holding or giving too much information, Ghost tries to fight regal, and it all kinda goes in circles until I give up on a conversation and try to force them to stop talking to me

[Duckie]

3 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Feeling like I don't exist (so, okay). How are you?

Okay. 

Wdym, they want security? Like, I get that they probably do, but what said that..? I tend to fiddle with pencils. I don't know if that fits, but....it's what I do. OHhhhh you mean the ones that are a touch, ah, homophobic want security?

I love doing the crime wall thing >:) I'll try to do that. 

Oh, I was just using a metaphor. The less metaphorical version of what I was trying to say is that when someone else is taking control or fronting, i can't detach myself completely. I'm still sharing the ability to control myself physically a bit, but it's like I can't move, and I have to still watch what I'm physically doing. I don't go anywhere. 

Also do you have even a little bit of info on the 'seeing emotions as colors' thing? I'm kinda freaking out about it, because now I'm understanding that I've NEVER experienced emotions normally and now I have nothing to relate those experiences to and emotions make even less sense to me. 

Hi @Emberfrost12,

I am basing this on what you said earlier that Ghost wants physical safety and Regal wants social safety. I may have mixed up safety and security there. Sorry about that. I am thinking there might be ways to make the alters feel safer in general. I am thinking the homophobic alters might be acting out on something not feeling safe for them. What do you reckon?

Oh yes, crime walls are so underrated! There's a reason all the series with clever detectives use 'em  I've never done it with yarn or anything, but I use pretty colour coded post-it notes, because they are pretty and easy to move around if I need to! Let me know how you get on :)

Oh I see, I think I understand what you mean. It sounds to me like the alters are putting you on autopilot. You are still technically driving the car, but you're also not driving the car. Am I understanding this right? If so, it sounds like they want to protect you and help you take the wheel when things are stressful. What do you think?

Can you walk me through how you feel about seeing emotions as a colour, please? I know you said earlier that you used to see them as colours, but you don't anymore. Is this still the case? Would you have an assigned colour for every mood, or would you just notice them appearing as you were feeling the feelings? Maybe it was once helpful for you to see colours on the wall as you were processing feelings. This is something I have imagined too, but like having a bucket full of turquoise colour (my favourite) and splashing it onto a white wall. You are artistic and maybe it helps to give the feelings direction to see them as colour. Do you miss the colours or do you simply feel like something is missing with you not seeing them anymore?

[Emberfrost12]

1 hour ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Emberfrost12,

I am basing this on what you said earlier that Ghost wants physical safety and Regal wants social safety. I may have mixed up safety and security there. Sorry about that. I am thinking there might be ways to make the alters feel safer in general. I am thinking the homophobic alters might be acting out on something not feeling safe for them. What do you reckon?

Oh yes, crime walls are so underrated! There's a reason all the series with clever detectives use 'em  I've never done it with yarn or anything, but I use pretty colour coded post-it notes, because they are pretty and easy to move around if I need to! Let me know how you get on :)

Oh I see, I think I understand what you mean. It sounds to me like the alters are putting you on autopilot. You are still technically driving the car, but you're also not driving the car. Am I understanding this right? If so, it sounds like they want to protect you and help you take the wheel when things are stressful. What do you think?

Can you walk me through how you feel about seeing emotions as a colour, please? I know you said earlier that you used to see them as colours, but you don't anymore. Is this still the case? Would you have an assigned colour for every mood, or would you just notice them appearing as you were feeling the feelings? Maybe it was once helpful for you to see colours on the wall as you were processing feelings. This is something I have imagined too, but like having a bucket full of turquoise colour (my favourite) and splashing it onto a white wall. You are artistic and maybe it helps to give the feelings direction to see them as colour. Do you miss the colours or do you simply feel like something is missing with you not seeing them anymore?

Oh, yeah. That makes more sense. 

i like to color code them too. Yarn can be frustrating  I’ll let you know how it goes, although I’m still shaky as to what it means to map them  

yeah, that‘s what I meant. I don‘t know if they ever really 'take the wheel', but i guess they must. 
 

yeah, I can’t see them anymore. They were both assigned and random, if i remember right. I think i miss the colors, but the bigger thing is that the colors are what I‘ve been using to attempt to relate to emotions, and i know that it doesn’t matter because the base message is the same, but now I have no way to comprehend other people’s experiences with emotions and it‘s hard to relate.

I don‘t know if that was my only way to have emotions, as it‘s definitely been some time, but I do feel like it is. On the other hand, i only have a couple memories of that room and wall. But then again, I don‘t have many memories that appear without being triggered to appear. So who knows?

[Duckie]

16 minutes ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Oh, yeah. That makes more sense. 

i like to color code them too. Yarn can be frustrating  I’ll let you know how it goes, although I’m still shaky as to what it means to map them  

yeah, that‘s what I meant. I don‘t know if they ever really 'take the wheel', but i guess they must. 
 

yeah, I can’t see them anymore. They were both assigned and random, if i remember right. I think i miss the colors, but the bigger thing is that the colors are what I‘ve been using to attempt to relate to emotions, and i know that it doesn’t matter because the base message is the same, but now I have no way to comprehend other people’s experiences with emotions and it‘s hard to relate.

I don‘t know if that was my only way to have emotions, as it‘s definitely been some time, but I do feel like it is. On the other hand, i only have a couple memories of that room and wall. But then again, I don‘t have many memories that appear without being triggered to appear. So who knows?

Hi,

It might be that you really needed the colours once upon a time, so you 'made them happen'. In mindfulness people often ask "what's the weather like on the inside?". It is a way to visualise and make sense out of what it means for you to be sad/angry/disappointed/confused etc., and maybe the colours was like this for you when you needed help defining what those feelings look like/feel like. And those feelings tend to be the strongest after we've just learned about them. The way I see it is that after having learned that feelings have colour, you had really strong visions of painting a wall with these colours. And sometimes the power of those images wear off. It's sad in a way, because it made sense to you, and it's a really nice vision to have. But it might also mean that you have learned and evolved from it and are ready to move on to another visualisation. This is the way I'd like to see it. I am curious to know what you think :)

Maybe you could make the vision come to life somehow. Could you set up a white canvas in the garden or somewhere outdoors where you can just let loose and throw paint at it? It might be therapeutic; if nothing else it does sound fun :) 

[Emberfrost12]

5 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Hi,

It might be that you really needed the colours once upon a time, so you 'made them happen'. In mindfulness people often ask "what's the weather like on the inside?". It is a way to visualise and make sense out of what it means for you to be sad/angry/disappointed/confused etc., and maybe the colours was like this for you when you needed help defining what those feelings look like/feel like. And those feelings tend to be the strongest after we've just learned about them. The way I see it is that after having learned that feelings have colour, you had really strong visions of painting a wall with these colours. And sometimes the power of those images wear off. It's sad in a way, because it made sense to you, and it's a really nice vision to have. But it might also mean that you have learned and evolved from it and are ready to move on to another visualisation. This is the way I'd like to see it. I am curious to know what you think :)

Maybe you could make the vision come to life somehow. Could you set up a white canvas in the garden or somewhere outdoors where you can just let loose and throw paint at it? It might be therapeutic; if nothing else it does sound fun :) 

Maaaaybe. I’ll try that. 

[Emberfrost12]

If i need a new visualization…how do i do that? And could that be somehow connected to the emotional dissociation? But also: I’ve pretty much lost my ability to visualize anything. So that could be an…obstacle

[Duckie]

5 minutes ago, Emberfrost12 said:

If i need a new visualization…how do i do that? And could that be somehow connected to the emotional dissociation? But also: I’ve pretty much lost my ability to visualize anything. So that could be an…obstacle

Hi!

Maybe a mindfulness exercise could help you get there. It lets you practise staying in the moment and reflecting inwards. It might be worth trying a guided visualisation mindfulness exercise. It is OK to not feel sure about mindfulness overall and to take the bits that make sense for you to use. There are lots of good exercises for this on YouTube. Would you consider trying that? :)

[Emberfrost12]

Also: I’ve been trying to talk to the others via writing, but it hasn‘t been working. I was trying to figure out why I was getting panicky when there was a lot of people shushing people (because of exams), and the answer I got is that *he* kept on doing that (according to regal), but when I was asking when, because i couldn‘t place the time, Ghost shut us both up because I‘m not 'ready'

[Emberfrost12]

2 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Hi!

Maybe a mindfulness exercise could help you get there. It lets you practise staying in the moment and reflecting inwards. It might be worth trying a guided visualisation mindfulness exercise. It is OK to not feel sure about mindfulness overall and to take the bits that make sense for you to use. There are lots of good exercises for this on YouTube. Would you consider trying that? :)

Sure, I will

[Duckie]

22 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Sure, I will

Hi,

Let me know what you think about it and how it goes :) Really curious to see if you find them helpful or not. 

[Emberfrost12]

On 6/26/2023 at 3:16 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

Also: I’ve been trying to talk to the others via writing, but it hasn‘t been working. I was trying to figure out why I was getting panicky when there was a lot of people shushing people (because of exams), and the answer I got is that *he* kept on doing that (according to regal), but when I was asking when, because i couldn‘t place the time, Ghost shut us both up because I‘m not 'ready'

 

[Duckie]

On 6/26/2023 at 10:16 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

Also: I’ve been trying to talk to the others via writing, but it hasn‘t been working. I was trying to figure out why I was getting panicky when there was a lot of people shushing people (because of exams), and the answer I got is that *he* kept on doing that (according to regal), but when I was asking when, because i couldn‘t place the time, Ghost shut us both up because I‘m not 'ready'

Hi @Emberfrost12, how are you doing?

Sorry for the late reply. Maybe writing was a bit too intimadating for the 'alters' at that point. What do you think? Did you try mapping them out or do visualisation exercises? :)

If you are struggling with people shushing at exams (I too hate that), maybe you could bring earplugs to the next exam. Just a thought. I used to always do this as hearing everyone else in the room made me feel on edge.

[Emberfrost12]

On 7/3/2023 at 1:24 PM, Duckie said:

Hi @Emberfrost12, how are you doing?

Sorry for the late reply. Maybe writing was a bit too intimadating for the 'alters' at that point. What do you think? Did you try mapping them out or do visualisation exercises? :)

If you are struggling with people shushing at exams (I too hate that), maybe you could bring earplugs to the next exam. Just a thought. I used to always do this as hearing everyone else in the room made me feel on edge.

Pretty good. How are you?

Maybe. I tried mapping them out, but I haven’t had an opportunity to try a visualization exercise yet.

I could try that

[Duckie]

On 7/8/2023 at 11:06 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

Pretty good. How are you?

Maybe. I tried mapping them out, but I haven’t had an opportunity to try a visualization exercise yet.

I could try that

Hi @Emberfrost12!

Good to hear from you. How are you doing now that school is out for summer? :)

I am very good thank you for asking :) 

How did mapping out the alters go? How did you feel about it?

[Emberfrost12]

On 7/10/2023 at 2:26 AM, Duckie said:

Hi @Emberfrost12!

Good to hear from you. How are you doing now that school is out for summer? :)

I am very good thank you for asking :) 

How did mapping out the alters go? How did you feel about it?

Pretty good

It went well. 

[Duckie]

10 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Pretty good

It went well. 

Hi @Emberfrost12!

I'm happy to hear that it went well mapping them out. When you tried writing, it made you a bit anxious (you mentioned it reminded you of taking tests). How was this process in comparison?

[Emberfrost12]

On 7/12/2023 at 4:26 AM, Duckie said:

Hi @Emberfrost12!

I'm happy to hear that it went well mapping them out. When you tried writing, it made you a bit anxious (you mentioned it reminded you of taking tests). How was this process in comparison?

Oh, no, you misunderstood me. When I said that, I was saying that being shushed because of tests was making me anxious

[Emberfrost12]

So, I made a realization:

The reason why I can't get along with my mother.

I don't want her. I'll explain. I hate being dependent. Being dependent means that you rely on someone for things. Part of being a child or a minor is that you depend on your parents for...everything. I hate this, consciously and unconsciously. I don't like taking things from other people, and I don't like the fact that another person controls my life, which is why my intrusive thoughts are the way they are*. My mother also seems to want me to take things from her, and I hate doing that, and somehow end up feeling like I took too much. I think I'm also weary of the fact that the person I rely on makes me cry because of the amount of yelling. She wants me to stay sheltered, to be a child. I want to make my own money....to be the one to get my food on the table, the roof over my head. I don't like being told that I take too much, I don't like being told that I'm not thankful. I'm the person who is always careful to order one of the three cheapest things at restaurants because I know that I'm not paying the bill

* I say this because one thing that is common in my intrusive thoughts is that I am in some way left to fend for myself. Despite the scenarios, it feels safer somehow, and honestly preferable

[Duckie]

On 7/15/2023 at 3:50 AM, Emberfrost12 said:

So, I made a realization:

The reason why I can't get along with my mother.

I don't want her. I'll explain. I hate being dependent. Being dependent means that you rely on someone for things. Part of being a child or a minor is that you depend on your parents for...everything. I hate this, consciously and unconsciously. I don't like taking things from other people, and I don't like the fact that another person controls my life, which is why my intrusive thoughts are the way they are*. My mother also seems to want me to take things from her, and I hate doing that, and somehow end up feeling like I took too much. I think I'm also weary of the fact that the person I rely on makes me cry because of the amount of yelling. She wants me to stay sheltered, to be a child. I want to make my own money....to be the one to get my food on the table, the roof over my head. I don't like being told that I take too much, I don't like being told that I'm not thankful. I'm the person who is always careful to order one of the three cheapest things at restaurants because I know that I'm not paying the bill

* I say this because one thing that is common in my intrusive thoughts is that I am in some way left to fend for myself. Despite the scenarios, it feels safer somehow, and honestly preferable

Hi @Emberfrost12,

How are you doing? What is it you hate so much about being dependent on other people? Is it mainly your mother you feel this way about or is it everyone? It is OK to ask for help and support, but it's also OK to tell people how it makes you feel when you think they are sheltering you too much. It's sometimes hard for parents to realise that their kids are growing up and it sounds like you are doing your best taking responsibility by ordering the cheapest items on the menu when eating out. Have you considered telling your mother you do this to be careful and respectful of her money? It might be something that she doesn't realise that you are doing and it might be good to hear from you. What kind of things does your mother say that you aren't doing enough and how does it make you feel?

[Emberfrost12]

On 7/17/2023 at 12:20 PM, Duckie said:

Hi @Emberfrost12,

How are you doing? What is it you hate so much about being dependent on other people? Is it mainly your mother you feel this way about or is it everyone? It is OK to ask for help and support, but it's also OK to tell people how it makes you feel when you think they are sheltering you too much. It's sometimes hard for parents to realise that their kids are growing up and it sounds like you are doing your best taking responsibility by ordering the cheapest items on the menu when eating out. Have you considered telling your mother you do this to be careful and respectful of her money? It might be something that she doesn't realise that you are doing and it might be good to hear from you. What kind of things does your mother say that you aren't doing enough and how does it make you feel?

Pretty good! I was away for a week but I’m back

I just don’t like the idea that another person has the ability to take everything away. My mom is the only person who really makes me rely on her, so it is only her. I don’t want to bring it up because it sounds like a great way to start an arguement. I don’t know, just…comments

[Duckie]

On 7/22/2023 at 6:56 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

Pretty good! I was away for a week but I’m back

I just don’t like the idea that another person has the ability to take everything away. My mom is the only person who really makes me rely on her, so it is only her. I don’t want to bring it up because it sounds like a great way to start an arguement. I don’t know, just…comments

Hi @Emberfrost12,

I completely get that you don't want to risk causing an argument. You are relying on your mom, yes, but only temporary. One day you will be able to do everything for yourself and be responsible for your own life. And then it might be worth knowing that it is OK to ask her for help if you ever need it. But relying on your mom at this point in life is nothing to feel bad about. Try to imagine a future where it will be just you doing things for yourself. What will this look like? Where would you like to see yourself? Until then, it's good to sometimes allow yourself to be taken care of and sometimes ask your mom for help doing certain things, so that you can do them yourself from now on. How does that sound?

[Emberfrost12]

22 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Emberfrost12,

I completely get that you don't want to risk causing an argument. You are relying on your mom, yes, but only temporary. One day you will be able to do everything for yourself and be responsible for your own life. And then it might be worth knowing that it is OK to ask her for help if you ever need it. But relying on your mom at this point in life is nothing to feel bad about. Try to imagine a future where it will be just you doing things for yourself. What will this look like? Where would you like to see yourself? Until then, it's good to sometimes allow yourself to be taken care of and sometimes ask your mom for help doing certain things, so that you can do them yourself from now on. How does that sound?

The thing is, I can no longer withstand any yelling at all. It makes me immediately cry. Not fun

Yeah, I don't know how to explain why being dependent feels wrong to me. It just...does

[Duckie]

1 hour ago, Emberfrost12 said:

The thing is, I can no longer withstand any yelling at all. It makes me immediately cry. Not fun

Yeah, I don't know how to explain why being dependent feels wrong to me. It just...does

Hi @Emberfrost12

Are you being yelled at a lot at the moment? Having people raising their voices towards us can be scary and overwhelming, especially when we don't see it coming. 

Do you only feel like this with your mom, or would you ever consider relying on someone else? Even if just for a little bit?

[Emberfrost12]

1 hour ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Emberfrost12

Are you being yelled at a lot at the moment? Having people raising their voices towards us can be scary and overwhelming, especially when we don't see it coming. 

Do you only feel like this with your mom, or would you ever consider relying on someone else? Even if just for a little bit?

Not really, but when I am i pretty much instantly start crying and shutting down

Most strongly towards my mom, but other people are mostly fine

[Duckie]

13 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Not really, but when I am i pretty much instantly start crying and shutting down

Most strongly towards my mom, but other people are mostly fine

Hi @Emberfrost12,

It sounds like maybe it could be a way of your mom getting under your skin a lot easier. Is that fair to say?

How is your relationship in general? Are you two in a good place or not really? Only answer if you want to as I realise this might be a sensitive question.