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Is this the worst that can happen to me at this age ? And was it actually my mistake and did I stir up this drama ?


Tangled
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I don't know if I should share it here or not but I'm just done with what's going on in my life. I literally failed to get in my dream college(and since I'm no popular girl ...my grades and career is all I've got...but now not anymore), got migraine (and I was on anti depression pills for a month....)....but..but I'm kinda a lil bit tough ...I dealt with it somehow....the worst thing I can't deal with is...my father cheated on my mother andย  only I knew this ..It was hard toย  keep it to myself. It was just eating me up. Finally after two months my younger brother grew suspicious and I shared it with him...we checked dad's phone and it was a total disaster...it was worse than I thought it to be...this time I broke out from inside and just gave up and ended up telling my mother.. and the twist is ....she knew it for years and just didn't tell me to not destroy my studies as she knows this is all I care about. How can she let him go all innocent after such a nasty act !! I went furious and asked her to stand up for herself. But all she cares is the shelter for her kids. Later that night I confronted dad and you won't imagine what happened next...he left for his room in anger making it seem like I was defaming him. My brother also stood by me....so did mumma..we didn't tell it to my youngest brother as he's not yet ready for such a shock. Dad has stopped talking to me and my mother...he doesn't eat the meals cooked by mumma anymore....he talks to my brothers.... and runs all angry in the house all the time and bosses around and does those scary long stares (although I'mย  strong but I sometimes get scared )... he is making it seem like it was our mistake to ever discover his extramarital affair...like he's all nice and we are ruining his image...maybe he's trying to scare my mother as she is somewhat timid. I have to leave my house for my further studies next month. I'm just confused what to do next? Did I stir up this drama? Did I destroy my family's peace? How can I help my mom? My dad beats her :( I can't tell anyone as my mother says if we ruin dad's image in public he might disown us and we have nowhere to go :(( what to do ? I wasย  just crying all the time I was writing this. Feels suicidal....but can't leave my brothers and mom to survive on their own and I can't leave them in this monster's mercy. Well dad's affair didn't come as a shocker to me...as I had always suspected him. He never got us new clothes until mumma begged him for weeks...never took us to hospital....like I kept telling him how hard it was for me to see the blackboard in school but he didn't pay much heed to it...this year I got really sick and started vomiting and having severe headaches...when we went ro the doctor he was shocked...he was literally scared how I managed to score good grades with such a low vision....he asked me how I even managed all that pain since my eyesight had deteriorated to a great extent by then..but my dad acted so nice ..he was like ,"why didn't you ever tell me silly girl...I've been wearing specs for years now and your eyesight is twice as bad as mine." I just said sorry for hiding my pain all these years...(5 years to be precise)...manners before elders you know ๐Ÿ˜‘ ....not just me dad cares for none of us...mumma was on fever for a month and couldn't move out of bed....when I asked him to fix an appointment to the doctor he straight away refused ....later I just sat down on my study desk and told him that if he wants me to cook he'll have to take her to hospital....he agreed and mumma had typhoid ...he gives us no money so I couldn't even buy her some fruit juice as hydration is necessary in typhoid....never felt this helpless ...ย  hope I graduate with good grades and a nice placement so I can take my family out this mess....I'm literally dead inside.....No hopes or dreams for me...just my family and the loved ones ...This is the first time I'm sharing this...I hope it is safe here ....๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜”

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6 minutes ago, Tangled said:

I don't know if I should share it here or not but I'm just done with what's going on in my life. I literally failed to get in my dream college(and since I'm no popular girl ...my grades and career is all I've got...but now not anymore), got migraine (and I was on anti depression pills for a month....)....but..but I'm kinda a lil bit tough ...I dealt with it somehow....the worst thing I can't deal with is...my father cheated on my mother andย  only I knew this ..It was hard toย  keep it to myself. It was just eating me up. Finally after two months my younger brother grew suspicious and I shared it with him...we checked dad's phone and it was a total disaster...it was worse than I thought it to be...this time I broke out from inside and just gave up and ended up telling my mother.. and the twist is ....she knew it for years and just didn't tell me to not destroy my studies as she knows this is all I care about. How can she let him go all innocent after such a nasty act !! I went furious and asked her to stand up for herself. But all she cares is the shelter for her kids. Later that night I confronted dad and you won't imagine what happened next...he left for his room in anger making it seem like I was defaming him. My brother also stood by me....so did mumma..we didn't tell it to my youngest brother as he's not yet ready for such a shock. Dad has stopped talking to me and my mother...he doesn't eat the meals cooked by mumma anymore....he talks to my brothers.... and runs all angry in the house all the time and bosses around and does those scary long stares (although I'mย  strong but I sometimes get scared )... he is making it seem like it was our mistake to ever discover his extramarital affair...like he's all nice and we are ruining his image...maybe he's trying to scare my mother as she is somewhat timid. I have to leave my house for my further studies next month. I'm just confused what to do next? Did I stir up this drama? Did I destroy my family's peace? How can I help my mom? My dad beats her :( I can't tell anyone as my mother says if we ruin dad's image in public he might disown us and we have nowhere to go :(( what to do ? I wasย  just crying all the time I was writing this. Feels suicidal....but can't leave my brothers and mom to survive on their own and I can't leave them in this monster's mercy. Well dad's affair didn't come as a shocker to me...as I had always suspected him. He never got us new clothes until mumma begged him for weeks...never took us to hospital....like I kept telling him how hard it was for me to see the blackboard in school but he didn't pay much heed to it...this year I got really sick and started vomiting and having severe headaches...when we went ro the doctor he was shocked...he was literally scared how I managed to score good grades with such a low vision....he asked me how I even managed all that pain since my eyesight had deteriorated to a great extent by then..but my dad acted so nice ..he was like ,"why didn't you ever tell me silly girl...I've been wearing specs for years now and your eyesight is twice as bad as mine." I just said sorry for hiding my pain all these years...(5 years to be precise)...manners before elders you know ๐Ÿ˜‘ ....not just me dad cares for none of us...mumma was on fever for a month and couldn't move out of bed....when I asked him to fix an appointment to the doctor he straight away refused ....later I just sat down on my study desk and told him that if he wants me to cook he'll have to take her to hospital....he agreed and mumma had typhoid ...he gives us no money so I couldn't even buy her some fruit juice as hydration is necessary in typhoid....never felt this helpless ...ย  hope I graduate with good grades and a nice placement so I can take my family out this mess....I'm literally dead inside.....No hopes or dreams for me...just my family and the loved ones ...This is the first time I'm sharing this...I hope it is safe here ....๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜”

Hey @Tangled

Thank you for sharing what's currently going on for you. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us. It sounds like you've really got a lot going on at the moment with your wellbeing, the cheating, college, and how things are at home generally. I'm not surprised you're feeling so low right now. I'm glad you reached out to us, and I just want you to know, you're not alone in this and we are here for you. Before we talk more, I just want to check, are you safe right now, both mentally and physically at home? If not, it's okay to share this with me and we will do whatever we can to help you through this hard time. Remember, these feelings are only temporary, and they will pass; you've got this.ย  Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis:ย 

  • UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)
  • USA - NSPL: 1-800-273-8255
  • A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org
  • An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful.ย 
  • If youโ€™re in the UK, you can text SHOUT to 85258 when you are struggling, and a trained crisis volunteer will text you back. This is great if you find talking on the phone challenging, and itโ€™s completely free 24/7

ย 

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I'm safe :)ย I might sound miserable but trust me I'm a strong person...through all these years I've learntย  how to take care of me and my loved ones. I just want to know if my dad's actually wrong? Or am I just magnifying his mistakes? What's the best I can do at this point ? Should I focus on my studies for now ? It's hard to concentrate....feels like there's no point of battling for a future that doesn't exist :(

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Hey there,

I think your situation is understandably really getting to you and making you feel like that future does not exist, but remember, you are strong, and you can get yourself to exactly where you need to be. From what you've told us, your father has done things that are wrong, such as beating your mom and not getting her to the doctor when she was sick. Also, it sounds like his actions are leading to an unwelcoming and quite hostile environment at home; what do you think? Can I ask, has he been physical with anyone else in the house, or is it towards your mom entirely?ย 

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Yes, there are various instances where he would beat us for even a small mischief. When I was in high school and had an assignment I was up really late (kinda 2:00 am) , my brothers got annoyed as they had school the next day so one of them hid the light bulb....I was scared to go to the other room to do my work as it was dark.. we got in a friendly fight...later I hit my leg somewhere...the next thing I remember is that I screamed so loud that my parents woke up..my father turned on the hall light...I went to him to complain about my brothers but he hit me in my right eye ....for hours it was really red and it felt like it was burning in school...but I couldn't tell anyone...not even my teachers. Another such incident was with my youngest brother...he was around 11 or 10 years old and he broke a mirror on the almirah. When dad got to know about this in the evening he locked us 3 in a room and beat him with his leather belt..he ran in the entire house for help...I was just terrorized and hugged mumma tightly....his screams scare me to this day...well there are several other instances too. But it's painful for me to even think of them...makes me feel I'm still stuck there. One more thing , he is never nice to my maternal relatives. Keeps ignoring them when they come to visit us and those days he leaves home early and comes back very late. And everytime he's home he locks himself in his room. They think he's a busy person.ย  Yes, he is...but not to the extent he shows them...just recently... (day before yesterday)..my maternal uncle came to visit us with his family. I made them tea as mumma is still sick. Suddenly we heard dad scolding my youngest brother. It was common for us but they were stunned. They called for him...and he shut his door right in their face ...they left the house the very next second. I feel bad for them...they didn't deserve such behavior...they were here to visit mumma. Anyways I hope they are fine.ย 

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Hey,

I'm so sorry to hear that he has been abusive to you and your youngest brother. I can completely understand why it is painful for you to even think of these. Home is supposed to be a safe environment, and when a parent is abusive towards you, it can really have a big impact on your wellbeing and leave you feeling like you cannot relax at home and feel secure there. How did you cope with all of this? Also, I'm wondering, have you ever thought about reporting this?

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While growing up I thought it was normal for kids to get hit by parents for their mischievous acts. But when I grew up and teachers asked us about our home environment and if our parents were abusive. Well this came as a shock but none of my classmates raised hands...I just knew it then that something was wrong with my life. Later I had one of my classmates telling me that it was impossible for kids to accept such things in front of teachers as that was shameful. I learnt a new lesson here and that was not to confess violence at home to others. So, thinking about reporting it was not something I ever planned to do. Rather I sometimes ran from house as a kid....but my parents would catch me. Once I reached an age where I could figure things out on my own, I realized I cannot do anything against my father as he is the only one who supports us financially and we have no other source of income. So, the answer is simple...I can just learn to adjust with this and it's possible to run from this but not logical as things can get worse after that.ย 

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My father is the only earning member. It's not possible for mumma to pay for the legal services....like lawyer. Me and my brothers are still studying so if our parents get involved in this our studies might affect. We won't have a shelter as this house belongs to our dad and continuing living here will not stop anything. Maybe if I start earning I can support my mother and she can definitely divorce dad then. We'll have to wait till then :(ย 

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Hey @Tangled

Yeah, I can totally see the negative impact that it would have on your family. On the other side, I'm wondering, say if social services because involved, do you think that could be a good thing in terms of helping your family to move in a better direction and make progress? Or would it be negative? What do you think?ย 

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I don't think I can rely on social services and that too in India. I agree that my parents' separation would definitely make things better for us but it seems something really hard to achieve :(ย 

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I never heard of such social ngos exist in my area.ย  There might be but I've never seen anyone getting helped by them . The reason might be that due to some orthodox thinking and also cultural pressure women never take the first step to get divorced . It's always from a man's side . The women here always adjust and because of that divorce rates are way too low here. NGOs for homeless and ngos for orphans do exist but no organization has ever come forward to take up such issues. So, taking such a big step with no backing might backfire in the wrong way .ย 

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Hey there,

I just realised, I don't know your name yet. Would you like to introduce yourself?

By the way, social services aren't an NGO, they are part of the government as a service there to protect children who may be in danger. They exist everywhere and may be able to offer financial support if a family is put in a disadvantaged position due to involvement with social care. What do you think? Also, what do you think your other siblings think about reporting?

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Hello , this is Aakanksha.ย 

About the social services I really didn't have any idea and maybe I misunderstood it.

About my siblingsย  :my youngest brother is actually a science lover.. most of the times he's busy experimenting different things. He loves to gather knowledge and loves optics. He is usually found practicing card throwing skills or playing with his lens unde the sun and sometimes cutting glass pieces into his desired shapes...and yes I forgot to mention that he is a pro at sharpening objects....he's crazy about knives and swords... last year he made my father get a katana sword from Nepal . So he's a curious kid trying to make sense of the world so he's too busy for this drama. And my younger brother is a music lover and fitness enthusiast . So, he is always found practicing his singing skills or working on himself in the ground. He also manages to get decent scores and position in class. So in short they are just too busy for all this and they don't care what's going on.ย  It seems like they have had enough of all this....only when sometimes things turn violent they step in .....rest they are always chilling...be it rain or sun.... it's only me who's troubled easily.ย 

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Hey,

Yeah, social services exist in every country to protect children from harm and they are part of the government. It sounds like your brothers have got plenty of things going on for them and lots of interests which is lovely. I'm wondering, do you think that they want it to be sorted so they don't have to experience violence at home? Have they thought about reporting it?ย 

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Since last few days I've stopped talking to my father. I'm usually busy with something.ย  He has started being nice to everyone else in the family.ย  Everyone is talking with him...they are living like every other day...like that cheating thing never happened. He's making it hard for me to breathe.. like I initiated all that . Anyways they are all happy and some moments seem better than it ever was. I don't know what am I missing...I can't get what's going on here. It seems as if cheating someone in a relationship is not thatย  big deal. At this point if I report anything or even talk to them about reporting....I can be seen as someone who cannot see them happy. It's getting harder :(

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i really don't have a perfect feedback to this but i know how it feels not to have that necessary expected father figure in the house. you know what i learned to do in my situation? i learned to seek out my mental stability first ,ย  i had to walk through a healing process (even if everything was still the same). and i learned not to wait for anyone to be better towards me but me being better for me and towards me. when you learn to find and walk your journey you will have a good strategy on how and where to pick up your beloved family. with deep reflection of this you will see how much sense it makes.

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I get it .....I need to work onย  myself first....get some stability to myself then only I can take care of the people around me.ย 

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6 hours ago, Tangled said:

Since last few days I've stopped talking to my father. I'm usually busy with something.ย  He has started being nice to everyone else in the family.ย  Everyone is talking with him...they are living like every other day...like that cheating thing never happened. He's making it hard for me to breathe.. like I initiated all that . Anyways they are all happy and some moments seem better than it ever was. I don't know what am I missing...I can't get what's going on here. It seems as if cheating someone in a relationship is not thatย  big deal. At this point if I report anything or even talk to them about reporting....I can be seen as someone who cannot see them happy. It's getting harder :(

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear it's getting harder; I just want you to know that you always have us to turn to. Would you like to tell me more about how it's getting harder for you? What are you feeling?

Also, what do you mean by how you'll be seen if you report or talk to them about reporting?ย 

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So, the thing is my father is a huge manipulator. He actually hates me only as I don't fall for his emotional dramas. He is unpredictable. One moment he is nice and caring and next moment he turns in a monster. I have had enough...I believe in his monster side only. But my family members just belive in his nice side . He brainwashes them. So right now they think he's a good man......though he is not....no one can see through his manipulative behavior. Anyways I'm leaving next month and if I'm the only person he hates(as he shows) I expect him to be nice to everyone else when I'm gone.

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Hey,

It sounds like your dad has a lot that he needs to work through and I can only imagine the impact that all of this behaviour has had on you over the years; how have you managed to cope with all of this? Also, where are you off to when you leave?

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I had a huge confrontation with him this evening....left me in tears....I got a perfect punch on my face...anyways mumma was upset I made her cry too. My brothers tried to cheer me up...they got me some ice cream...and dad ordered chicken from my favorite restaurant....not to cheer me up definitely....(mumma refused to cook so no other option.. she was unhappy with his behavior..). Getting to the question....I'm dropping this year as Iย  couldn't study last two years well due to pandemic and not to mention what goes in my house...I missed by 3 marks to get a perfect 90%...(happy part is ...I had my picture in my school advertisement in newspaper 3 days ago.. in last 2nd position :(ย )ย  As I told you earlier I was preparing for my college entrance that is JEE. I couldn't score well but an organization selected me for their 1 year program where they teach 30 students for free for JEE . And since JEE can actually change the course of my life and the opportunities I get after college so dropping a year for preparation is fine with me. The coaching is 6hrs away from my home. You might be feeling that I'm blaming my home environment for my failure in JEEย  but it's not like that...my home environment was just a part of many reasons I couldn't succeed last time...anyways I'll be more focused this time.JEE is the toughest exam of Asia and comes in top 5 toughest exams of the world.ย  The top scores get to go to IITs which is a very big deal in itself.ย  I should have worked hard ...I'll try one more time ...and maybe when I'm away I might be able to focus well on my studies as it seems impossible at home with all this going on :)

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And how I managed to deal with all this... I was never really able to deal with it...it has always been aย  part ofย  my life and yes a part of my personality too ..not in a bad way but a good way...I don't treat people the way I'm treated . I always make sure that people are comfortable with me...though I don't make much friends...but the ones I get,..I try to help them in every possible way. And a funny thing is ..my classmates feel I have a very perfect life and I'm a really mature person...they always seek advices from me ๐Ÿ˜… and here I'm...who couldn't deal with a single problem for all her life.ย 

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