The Coyotea’s Den

[Monsoon]

On 8/5/2023 at 3:39 PM, Coyotea said:

I don’t have any strong opinions on them, to be honest as long as they’re doing their job well and I can get the care I need then that’s it I guess? Sure I don’t trust them the same way I’d say..trust my best friend, but they’re still the medical professionals and know way more than I do. 

Honestly it depends when it comes to “severity”. I have issues with my hip and knees (it comes and goes and sometimes it’s really painful but other times I don’t even notice it. and yes I’ve brought it up.) but I can’t get a cane, arm crutches or any mobility aid. I’ve got serious issues when it comes to eating, its very disordered and I wouldn’t be surprised if I have developed an ED. As this post shows I struggle greatly with SH, and depression. I’m 99% sure I have ADHD (I’ve done years of research and comparing symptoms and making lists. I have it in a binder by my books. There has been so much back and forth about ‘do I have it?’ Or ‘am I just being dramatic and imagining stuff?’)  

God knows what else I might have or struggle with.. that’s the only stuff I’m sure about. But still none of those are “serious enough” to them.

I’ve had many instances in the past where they’ve brushed off any concern I’ve had or tell me I’m imagining it or that I just need more exercise to the point where I don’t trust them enough to share what’s going on. Oh! and I’ve had fainting issues since before my DE started! 
 

oh, and dysphoria but I’m not able to get a binder.

Hey Coyotea,

Thank you for telling me more about what has happened in the past. From an outsider looking in, what you have described is pretty serious. Difficulties with eating should have support from a doctor, and it sounds like the problems with your hips and knees could do with some support as well. Please know that I am not saying this to be critical; it is because we care about you and your safety here at Ditch the Label. What do you think? I wanted to ask that question because I saw you mentioned that you are not sure if they are serious enough. 

[Coyotea]

On 8/6/2023 at 4:36 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey Coyotea,

Thank you for telling me more about what has happened in the past. From an outsider looking in, what you have described is pretty serious. Difficulties with eating should have support from a doctor, and it sounds like the problems with your hips and knees could do with some support as well. Please know that I am not saying this to be critical; it is because we care about you and your safety here at Ditch the Label. What do you think? I wanted to ask that question because I saw you mentioned that you are not sure if they are serious enough. 

I don’t know.

[Coyotea]

Update for today… I’m not doing great. It’s shark week, and so everything hurts. I don’t want to move. Unfortunately tomorrow I have riding and everything got moved up to 9am instead of 10am on Thursday and 11am on Tuesday.

I miss my cat so much. She used to lay on me during shark week and that actually helped with the pain. 
 

Yesterday my mom and I looked at kittens online to adopt and emailed one lady. wrote down the contact info for two other places. I’m scared this will all happen again and again. I don’t want to keep losing cats because my parents refuse to let them stay strictly indoors, hell- even just let them be indoor/outdoor cats..

Planning to read Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe (hehehe it has my name in the title)

my head hurts and the sad thing is I don’t trust myself enough to take pain medication. 
 

Tbh I should eat soon, but idk if I have the motivation.

[Catsup]

6 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

Update for today… I’m not doing great. It’s shark week, and so everything hurts. I don’t want to move. Unfortunately tomorrow I have riding and everything got moved up to 9am instead of 10am on Thursday and 11am on Tuesday.

I miss my cat so much. She used to lay on me during shark week and that actually helped with the pain. 
 

Yesterday my mom and I looked at kittens online to adopt and emailed one lady. wrote down the contact info for two other places. I’m scared this will all happen again and again. I don’t want to keep losing cats because my parents refuse to let them stay strictly indoors, hell- even just let them be indoor/outdoor cats..

Planning to read Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe (hehehe it has my name in the title)

my head hurts and the sad thing is I don’t trust myself enough to take pain medication. 
 

Tbh I should eat soon, but idk if I have the motivation.

Hey there, I'm sorry to hear about being in pain and missing your cat.   I am wondering, why don't you trust yourself to take pain medicine?  Feel free to reach out on confidential support too if you prefer to answer privately.

I would personally would recommend you eat at least a little if you can work up the motivation.  Is there anything else you need to do to take care of yourself too?  Maybe shower, drink some water, get into comfy pajamas, or generally rest?  Caring for ourselves physically can sometimes help a bit emotionally too.  I hope reading helps you too!

[Coyotea]

41 minutes ago, Catsup said:

Hey there, I'm sorry to hear about being in pain and missing your cat.   I am wondering, why don't you trust yourself to take pain medicine?  Feel free to reach out on confidential support too if you prefer to answer privately.

I would personally would recommend you eat at least a little if you can work up the motivation.  Is there anything else you need to do to take care of yourself too?  Maybe shower, drink some water, get into comfy pajamas, or generally rest?  Caring for ourselves physically can sometimes help a bit emotionally too.  I hope reading helps you too!

One time someone who is very important to me and part of my found family almost ODed and I got super panicked that he’d go to sleep and not wake up (he’s okay now and he promised not to let it happen again) and now medicine/pills make me nervous, he wasn’t even trying to, it was just a sudden thing that his body did without him really wanting to. And I’m scared that will happen to me or that I’ll get tempted. 

[Catsup]

3 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

One time someone who is very important to me and part of my found family almost ODed and I got super panicked that he’d go to sleep and not wake up (he’s okay now and he promised not to let it happen again) and now medicine/pills make me nervous, he wasn’t even trying to, it was just a sudden thing that his body did without him really wanting to. And I’m scared that will happen to me or that I’ll get tempted. 

I'm very sorry to hear you had that experience.  It is very fair of you to avoid things that you find might be unsafe.  When you say "tempted" are you having any thoughts of wanting to not be alive anymore?  If you ever feel unsafe, know that there are people to call and talk to.  I am going to provide you with the following crisis information for you to have on hand if you ever need:

- (UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)
- (USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988  (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) 
- A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.org   
- There’s an app I can recommend called https://prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ - it has safety plans to make sure you don’t harm yourself and you might find it helpful.
- You can also call the police if you feel at risk.

I am curious too if your pain medicine is prescription, or if it is over the counter pain relief?  Those can be very different medicines from one another and it's always important to only take medicine as directed or prescribed.  In any doubt, I hope you are able to manage your pain safely, with or without medicine (definitely your call to make)!

I hope the discomfort is getting better and that you are able to relax and enjoy something right now.

[Coyotea]

2 minutes ago, Catsup said:

I'm very sorry to hear you had that experience.  It is very fair of you to avoid things that you find might be unsafe.  When you say "tempted" are you having any thoughts of wanting to not be alive anymore?  If you ever feel unsafe, know that there are people to call and talk to.  I am going to provide you with the following crisis information for you to have on hand if you ever need:

- (UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)
- (USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988  (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) 
- A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.org   
- There’s an app I can recommend called https://prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ - it has safety plans to make sure you don’t harm yourself and you might find it helpful.
- You can also call the police if you feel at risk.

I am curious too if your pain medicine is prescription, or if it is over the counter pain relief?  Those can be very different medicines from one another and it's always important to only take medicine as directed or prescribed.  In any doubt, I hope you are able to manage your pain safely, with or without medicine (definitely your call to make)!

I hope the discomfort is getting better and that you are able to relax and enjoy something right now.

Not at the moment I’m not having any thoughts like that but I worry that I will if I’m near something that could trigger it. My typical strategy when that happens is to try and just lay down until it stops.

[Catsup]

3 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

Not at the moment I’m not having any thoughts like that but I worry that I will if I’m near something that could trigger it. My typical strategy when that happens is to try and just lay down until it stops.

That makes sense and I'm glad you're able to stop yourself if those thoughts are triggered.  What do you think you will be doing to get through the rest of today? You mentioned reading, which I just assume is about philosophy since Aristotle and Dante were in the title?  I will be logging off in a little bit and I hope you get lots of opportunity to relax and take care of you.

[Coyotea]

1 minute ago, Catsup said:

That makes sense and I'm glad you're able to stop yourself if those thoughts are triggered.  What do you think you will be doing to get through the rest of today? You mentioned reading, which I just assume is about philosophy since Aristotle and Dante were in the title?  I will be logging off in a little bit and I hope you get lots of opportunity to relax and take care of you.

Actually it’s not, it’s a YA book about two boys who become friends and do eventually fall in love, I don’t know what else specifically happens in the book since i haven’t read it yet but it’s been on my reading list for a while. (The back says “special bond” and “friend ship” but considering it has a stonewall books award and towards the back when I was flipping through it has a list of things Aristotle wants to do with Dante and..well “make love to Dante” is preettttty gay.) 

[Catsup]

Just now, Coyotea said:

Actually it’s not, it’s a YA book about two boys who become friends and do eventually fall in love, I don’t know what else specifically happens in the book since i haven’t read it yet but it’s been on my reading list for a while. (The back says “special bond” and “friend ship” but considering it has a stonewall books award and towards the back when I was flipping through it has a list of things Aristotle wants to do with Dante and..well “make love to Dante” is preettttty gay.) 

Oh, wow I was quite wrong about what that book was about.  I'm glad you're reading something you enjoy and it actually sounds really interesting!  There's a book club here on our platform you can also check out if you haven't already.  Take care!

[Coyotea]

Aug/8/2023, 11:40AM EST.

I had a riding lesson today, and it was really good. However, the stables is closing down and so that means I won’t be able to ride there… WE JUST STARTED THERE! I haven’t even been there for a year! And now it’s closing! I’m going to miss Clive, and Roo! And princess even though she was hard to handle. Why can’t it just stay open? It’s not even a money issue! The owner just got bored of it.

I know it’s selfish but like I’m a bit pissed off. Me and all the other riders have to go through the pain of finding a new place to ride? And the others have to worry about board! It’s like.. what? our time and business isn’t important too? Idk, it’s just so- UGH! This is the third time we’ve switched stables too!

[Duckie]

3 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Aug/8/2023, 11:40AM EST.

I had a riding lesson today, and it was really good. However, the stables is closing down and so that means I won’t be able to ride there… WE JUST STARTED THERE! I haven’t even been there for a year! And now it’s closing! I’m going to miss Clive, and Roo! And princess even though she was hard to handle. Why can’t it just stay open? It’s not even a money issue! The owner just got bored of it.

I know it’s selfish but like I’m a bit pissed off. Me and all the other riders have to go through the pain of finding a new place to ride? And the others have to worry about board! It’s like.. what? our time and business isn’t important too? Idk, it’s just so- UGH! This is the third time we’ve switched stables too!

Hi @Coyotea,

That really sucks. I'm so sorry to hear that. You develop a bond with the horses and it really sucks that you have to find a new stable. It sounds like these guys didn't give you much of a choice, when I bet you could have all happily voulenteered to help out to keep it running. When is it closing? What will happen to the horses?

[Coyotea]

6 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Coyotea,

That really sucks. I'm so sorry to hear that. You develop a bond with the horses and it really sucks that you have to find a new stable. It sounds like these guys didn't give you much of a choice, when I bet you could have all happily voulenteered to help out to keep it running. When is it closing? What will happen to the horses?

The horses are getting sold, I don’t know to where. But there are also a lot of horses there that were being boarded so that means that those people will have to find a new place to board their horses. I don’t know when exactly it’s closing. 

[Duckie]

7 hours ago, Coyotea said:

The horses are getting sold, I don’t know to where. But there are also a lot of horses there that were being boarded so that means that those people will have to find a new place to board their horses. I don’t know when exactly it’s closing. 

Sorry to hear that. Maybe you and your friends from the stable could transfer to another stable together? Might be a good idea that you all go on some kind of open day and check other stables out together. I know it can be hard to find the ones that you like, but it might help narrow down the search to have people with you who share your values. Have they in any way announced when the stable is closing or have they basically just stated it will close at some point? Bit unfair to leave you in limbo 

[Coyotea]

7 hours ago, Duckie said:

Sorry to hear that. Maybe you and your friends from the stable could transfer to another stable together? Might be a good idea that you all go on some kind of open day and check other stables out together. I know it can be hard to find the ones that you like, but it might help narrow down the search to have people with you who share your values. Have they in any way announced when the stable is closing or have they basically just stated it will close at some point? Bit unfair to leave you in limbo 

I don’t have any friends at the stables. None of my friends like horses. The stables basically only said that it’ll be closing…I don’t have any information past that.

[Catsup]

6 hours ago, Coyotea said:

I don’t have any friends at the stables. None of my friends like horses. The stables basically only said that it’ll be closing…I don’t have any information past that.

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that.  How are you coping with it all right now?

[Coyotea]

2 hours ago, Catsup said:

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that.  How are you coping with it all right now?

Regarding that I’m fine.

[Coyotea]

Next post will be a rant/vent-

[Coyotea]

I’m so angry and frustrated and sad and scared and disgusted and so many emotions all at once.

Today at my youth group I was sitting for like 5-10 minutes just stimming and it was very very noticeable. Then I got overstimulated because it was so bright in the room and loud and just everything was UGH idk. So I tried to calm myself for focus on something else so I start reading and then this kid (14yo) throws a baseball cap at me and it hits me in the eye with the bill! FUCKING HELL 

then he was SO PROUD because of his “aim”

I was so angry and still overstimulated and I couldn’t even escape to the bathroom because there were two girls there talking the whole time!! I just- god today was awful, my knees and hip gave me so much trouble I was limping half the day or searching for chances to sit down.  I keep thinking about this thing that happened like- a month ago and it makes me feel like I’m a bad person..

I had to eat today and now I feel awful physically and mentally..I don’t want to eat anymore

FUCK I CANT EVEN STAY UP WITH MY BABY BROTHER TONIGHT- I have riding tomorrow..I really don’t want to go, everything hurts but I can’t tell my parents because they don’t listen anyways..

I don’t know what to do. a thing that I had convinced myself wasn’t real might actually be real but I don’t feel real, nothing about it feels real but at the same time it does. I know I’m not making any sense but I don’t care I just need to empty my brain.

I’ve been having really bad urges, really bad ones. Not suicidal ones..but sh ones that are really bad. Like the worst. 
 

Today was not a good day.

[Catsup]

8 hours ago, Coyotea said:

I’m so angry and frustrated and sad and scared and disgusted and so many emotions all at once.

Today at my youth group I was sitting for like 5-10 minutes just stimming and it was very very noticeable. Then I got overstimulated because it was so bright in the room and loud and just everything was UGH idk. So I tried to calm myself for focus on something else so I start reading and then this kid (14yo) throws a baseball cap at me and it hits me in the eye with the bill! FUCKING HELL 

then he was SO PROUD because of his “aim”

I was so angry and still overstimulated and I couldn’t even escape to the bathroom because there were two girls there talking the whole time!! I just- god today was awful, my knees and hip gave me so much trouble I was limping half the day or searching for chances to sit down.  I keep thinking about this thing that happened like- a month ago and it makes me feel like I’m a bad person..

I had to eat today and now I feel awful physically and mentally..I don’t want to eat anymore

FUCK I CANT EVEN STAY UP WITH MY BABY BROTHER TONIGHT- I have riding tomorrow..I really don’t want to go, everything hurts but I can’t tell my parents because they don’t listen anyways..

I don’t know what to do. a thing that I had convinced myself wasn’t real might actually be real but I don’t feel real, nothing about it feels real but at the same time it does. I know I’m not making any sense but I don’t care I just need to empty my brain.

I’ve been having really bad urges, really bad ones. Not suicidal ones..but sh ones that are really bad. Like the worst. 
 

Today was not a good day.

That really does sound like a bad day and I'm sorry to hear.  It can be completely overwhelming having too much happening around you, especially if you have problems with being overstimulated.  How much do you think getting overstimulated impacts your life right now? 

And how much do you normally enjoy (or not enjoy) your youth group?

I'm sorry to hear about not wanting to eat, and that you are having thoughts of sh.  I don't know what happened a month ago, but you're not a bad person.  I'm sending a message on CS too so that we can discuss more if you would like.

 

[Coyotea]

On 8/10/2023 at 7:41 AM, Catsup said:

That really does sound like a bad day and I'm sorry to hear.  It can be completely overwhelming having too much happening around you, especially if you have problems with being overstimulated.  How much do you think getting overstimulated impacts your life right now? 

And how much do you normally enjoy (or not enjoy) your youth group?

I'm sorry to hear about not wanting to eat, and that you are having thoughts of sh.  I don't know what happened a month ago, but you're not a bad person.  I'm sending a message on CS too so that we can discuss more if you would like.

I don’t know, enough to be an issue? I don’t keep a record of it..

I never enjoy it, I’m surrounded by homophobia and transphobia and the kids there are so incredibly Annoying and ill-mannered. I have, multiple times tried to talk to the kids I had considered friends and then in the middle of the conversation they walk away. I wish I was joking. They just walk away or stop interacting with me while I’m in the middle of a sentence and they go talk to someone else. The adults aren’t any better, they’re condescending and talk so much about how trans people are perverts and how “trans is a delusion” and other awful things concerning queer people. I’ve heard the F-slur thrown around and joked about so many times. 

I’ll talk about what happened a month ago in CS..

[Coyotea]

Okay, so I hate surprises. I absolutely hate them, because they make me so incredibly anxious. And the whole kitten  situation? My mom decided to surprise me with two kittens! Normally this would be a good thing! But the issue is I talked to her about it and I already told her that I wanted to go to the shelter to get a cat and that I wanted to get ONE  that was AT LEAST 5 months old. she promised me that’s what would happen but instead she surprised me with TWO 7 week old kittens! I’m not prepared for that! That’s not what I had planned, and I’m scared beyond belief that after they’re spayed and let outside that I’ll lose them or they’ll get killed! It’ll be Kiwi, Skittles and Sushi all over again! I can’t handle that, that would break me. My parents are convinced that my depression has been “cured” 

They were worried because I “wasn’t drawing” I HAVE A SKETCH BOOK! I don’t just draw on my computer! And maybe it’s the fucking fact that my computer is right next to my door and I’m being forced to keep it open is why I don’t feel comfortable using my computer. Because I have NO privacy!! 
 

My mom wants to get a new litter box and cat toys later today after the sabbath and I want to get some collars and tags for them at some point. But that means naming them, I only have one name picked out. Scylla, the monster from the Odyssey. I love the Odyssey and Greek myths so much. 
But I need another name, I don’t know what to pick. Maybe something that’s another Greek myth? I could look at the Odyssey and see if there is any other name (Feminine names probably, since the kittens are girls.) that I like.

Lots of my friends have suggested basic names like “Luna” and such.. but I don’t really like those. Idk.

I need to figure out what I’m going to do about the collars and tags. Hopefully I can figure out names before we go to the pet store.

Edited August 12, 2023 by Coyotea

[Coyotea]

Update, I have named my fur babies.

Scylla and Parsley

I wanted to go with a name that matched Scylla but idk-

[Coyotea]

When you look at your name hoard and realize you have 25

25 

And you start to wonder- is it too much? Or should I keep going?

[Catsup]

15 hours ago, Coyotea said:

When you look at your name hoard and realize you have 25

25 

And you start to wonder- is it too much? Or should I keep going?

Hey there, I am wondering what you are referring to with 25?

I am so sorry to hear about all of your experiences you have had with your cats in the past, and I am wishing for all the best with you and your kittens.  With your youth group, is it something you are forced to go to?

I have replied to CS if you want to pick up there too.