Vent

[Emberfrost12]

 

I really need to vent, so here I go…

 

1. I hate that once I’m seen as American, people ignore that I’m also Canadian 

 

2. I hate that I can’t take an insult, or even a request to do something different, without wanting to yell or cry

 

3. I hate that my mom makes stabs at my gender, and the moment i tell her to stop, she does it more, and mockingly, and I can’t even argue without her grounding me and crying and telling me I don’t appreciate her, which just makes me feel like I’m dying (see above, if I can’t take small things without that wrecking my day, how do i take big things?)

 

4. It annoys me that my dad isn’t willing to help me do just basic stuff, because he’s afraid of going behind my mom’s back, which i guess is fair, but it still annoys me. 

 

5. I hate that my mom doesn’t trust me. If I am on electronics, i have to be somewhat supervised, (which makes logging on here really hard and is why I haven’t been around this past week),

 

6. I hate that if someone makes me feel even a little bit down, it makes me really low for the rest of the day, and it makes me irritable and I blame everything on myself

 

7. I hate that I don’t always put a lot of effort into things, and then I get upset when someone says I didn’t do a great job

 

8. I hate that I start hating anyone that I see as better than me

 

9. I hate that I sometimes have lows for no reason at all, and I still can’t cope well with them. And I hate the weird things that come with them (like really wanting to walk into walls, especially if they’re brick)

 

10. I hate that I am such a fluid person. My interests in art go from painting to writing to drawing to repetitive-type stuff, to sewing.  My sport interests change, my weirdness  level changes, as well as my coping abilities, my physical abilities (things like flexibility, strength and speed) and my ability to socialize. I just want something constant in my life. 

 

11. I hate that I know probably well above half the words to all the songs on the oldies station (70’s and 80’s) but yet I never get credited for it. 

 

12. I hate that I can get deadnamed and misgendered, but as a queer person, I have to ‘take the high road’ and try to educate them, even if they refuse to be educated

 

[addypug123]

Hi there

I understand your pain and what you are going through and knowing above half the 70s and 80s radio station is a well-done impressive skill you have. Remember don't let the small things bite you and ignore your parents when they tell you you are wrong, you are so much better than that, you are powerful and have your right to be proud of who you are.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Emberfrost12

Thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like you've got a let to get off your chest, and I'm wondering, how did it feel for you to let out all of that? I'm wondering, from the twelve things you've listed, what would you say bothers you the most?

[Emberfrost12]

On 8/21/2022 at 11:21 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey @Emberfrost12

Thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like you've got a let to get off your chest, and I'm wondering, how did it feel for you to let out all of that? I'm wondering, from the twelve things you've listed, what would you say bothers you the most?

It definitely made me feel a little bit better. The ones that bother me most are probably the second, sixth, and eighth points, which kind of go together, as well as the ninth and tenth, as those are the main ones that affect me.  Also, I think that part of the reason why I can’t take an insult is that I express those negative opinions about myself in my thoughts, and it takes a lot of effort to cancel those out, so when someone else says something, I don’t have the energy to cancel those out, so I just dwell on them and it just adds to the fire of negative self-talk that’s a big part of my conscious mind. And when I hit a low, i just run out of energy to fight any of it, and I can’t escape it because if I do anything to escape, I instantly tell myself that I’ll never be good at it, or, if its a book, that I’ll never be able to write anything like it and that I should just give up. Honestly, people talk about positive self-talk like it’s easy, but it really isn’t, and I can’t even do the most basic things, like just a ‘I’m trying, that’s what matters’ without counteracting it with ‘…but am I really trying?’ :(

[Emberfrost12]

Ahck I feel like trash, I’m hitting a low now, and I have a week to put myself back together, before school starts. Oh jeez

[Emberfrost12]

On 8/21/2022 at 5:27 AM, addypug123 said:

Hi there

I understand your pain and what you are going through and knowing above half the 70s and 80s radio station is a well-done impressive skill you have. Remember don't let the small things bite you and ignore your parents when they tell you you are wrong, you are so much better than that, you are powerful and have your right to be proud of who you are.

Thank you :)

[addypug123]

49 minutes ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Thank you :)

Your welcome

[Monsoon]

On 8/23/2022 at 2:45 AM, Emberfrost12 said:

It definitely made me feel a little bit better. The ones that bother me most are probably the second, sixth, and eighth points, which kind of go together, as well as the ninth and tenth, as those are the main ones that affect me.  Also, I think that part of the reason why I can’t take an insult is that I express those negative opinions about myself in my thoughts, and it takes a lot of effort to cancel those out, so when someone else says something, I don’t have the energy to cancel those out, so I just dwell on them and it just adds to the fire of negative self-talk that’s a big part of my conscious mind. And when I hit a low, i just run out of energy to fight any of it, and I can’t escape it because if I do anything to escape, I instantly tell myself that I’ll never be good at it, or, if its a book, that I’ll never be able to write anything like it and that I should just give up. Honestly, people talk about positive self-talk like it’s easy, but it really isn’t, and I can’t even do the most basic things, like just a ‘I’m trying, that’s what matters’ without counteracting it with ‘…but am I really trying?’ :(

Hey,

Yeah, I totally get what you mean about how the positive self-talk is hard. It can really take a lot of effort to override those negative thought patterns we have experienced for a long time, and these can turn into core beliefs which reflect our self esteem, such as 'I'll never be good at this'. However, with time and patience, you really can turn a new corner with this problem. It's also helpful to remember the times when you proved yourself wrong. What do you think? Can you tell me about a time when you've had more positive self-talk? What situation was it and what helped you to be more positive?

[Emberfrost12]

On 8/24/2022 at 2:44 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Yeah, I totally get what you mean about how the positive self-talk is hard. It can really take a lot of effort to override those negative thought patterns we have experienced for a long time, and these can turn into core beliefs which reflect our self esteem, such as 'I'll never be good at this'. However, with time and patience, you really can turn a new corner with this problem. It's also helpful to remember the times when you proved yourself wrong. What do you think? Can you tell me about a time when you've had more positive self-talk? What situation was it and what helped you to be more positive?

I guess with the book I’m currently writing? I’m really happy with it, and I feel like I did a good job. It’s honestly the thing I’m most proud of.

[Monsoon]

10 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I guess with the book I’m currently writing? I’m really happy with it, and I feel like I did a good job. It’s honestly the thing I’m most proud of.

That's great to hear. I'm wondering, why do you think this situation is different to others in your life? You're so positive with this, and it will be good to understand what helped you to recognise your strengths here.

[Emberfrost12]

15 hours ago, Monsoon said:

That's great to hear. I'm wondering, why do you think this situation is different to others in your life? You're so positive with this, and it will be good to understand what helped you to recognise your strengths here.

I think it's because I found some new techniques that help to write stuff I like (I used to have problems with keeping time relevant) and that I have so many people who like it :)

[Monsoon]

12 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I think it's because I found some new techniques that help to write stuff I like (I used to have problems with keeping time relevant) and that I have so many people who like it :)

Hey,

That's great :)

I think there's something really important that you mentioned in the list of things bothering you, particularly this one. It's all important, but this one stands out to me:

'I hate that I start hating anyone that I see as better than me'

When it comes to our self-esteem, a trigger for low confidence can be around comparing ourselves to others as it can leave us feeling like we aren't doing well enough, thus lowering our self-esteem. What do you think?

[Emberfrost12]

5 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

That's great :)

I think there's something really important that you mentioned in the list of things bothering you, particularly this one. It's all important, but this one stands out to me:

'I hate that I start hating anyone that I see as better than me'

When it comes to our self-esteem, a trigger for low confidence can be around comparing ourselves to others as it can leave us feeling like we aren't doing well enough, thus lowering our self-esteem. What do you think?

Yeah, I do agree with that, and I try not to view other people as better than me, but sometimes it's really hard not to. I also often start acting bitter towards them and that makes me feel even worse and like a bad person, so I start seeing even more people as better than me

[Monsoon]

12 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Yeah, I do agree with that, and I try not to view other people as better than me, but sometimes it's really hard not to. I also often start acting bitter towards them and that makes me feel even worse and like a bad person, so I start seeing even more people as better than me

Hey,

Yeah, it can be really hard to not compare, and it takes effort to stop yourself from doing it. I'm wondering, the next time you feel the need to compare, what is something you could tell yourself to stop it from happening?

[Emberfrost12]

17 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Yeah, it can be really hard to not compare, and it takes effort to stop yourself from doing it. I'm wondering, the next time you feel the need to compare, what is something you could tell yourself to stop it from happening?

I...honestly have no idea

[Monsoon]

14 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I...honestly have no idea

That's okay! If you had a friend who was comparing themselves a lot to people around them, what advice would you give?

[Emberfrost12]

8 hours ago, Monsoon said:

That's okay! If you had a friend who was comparing themselves a lot to people around them, what advice would you give?

I'd tell them that they're unique and special and can do something that no one else really can do the same, and I pull out an example. But I don't know what I can do that nobody else can

[Monsoon]

14 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I'd tell them that they're unique and special and can do something that no one else really can do the same, and I pull out an example. But I don't know what I can do that nobody else can

Hey there,

I'm wondering, what might those who are closest to you say your biggest strengths and best qualities are? :) 

[Emberfrost12]

On 8/30/2022 at 10:04 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm wondering, what might those who are closest to you say your biggest strengths and best qualities are? :) 

I guess I get the really general "You're smart" a lot, and I guess one of my best qualities is that I care about people (probably way too much)

[Monsoon]

On 8/31/2022 at 7:38 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

I guess I get the really general "You're smart" a lot, and I guess one of my best qualities is that I care about people (probably way too much)

Hey,

That's a great quality, being smart; can you tell me more about your intelligence? Where do you shine? Also, being caring is a wonderful trait and it's definitely a strength :)

I'm wondering, for the next week, maybe you can write down how many times you compare yourself to others? Then for the next week, maybe you can set a goal to do it less, say by taking a quarter or so off it. What do you think? 

[Emberfrost12]

8 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

That's a great quality, being smart; can you tell me more about your intelligence? Where do you shine? Also, being caring is a wonderful trait and it's definitely a strength :)

I'm wondering, for the next week, maybe you can write down how many times you compare yourself to others? Then for the next week, maybe you can set a goal to do it less, say by taking a quarter or so off it. What do you think? 

 

I just seem to be better at math, writing, and problem solving in general than others. But I don’t quite know, because I haven’t gotten into GATE (Gifted and talented),, but that’s because I haven’t taken the test, …(it’s an IQ test), and my mom won’t let me unless I have better mental health this year, so I can’t tell her. It’s kind of counterproductive because I’m afraid to be more successful than my classmates, and I feel like if I am people are going to be mad at me for it, so It stresses me out more to be unchallenged in ‘community’ and I’m alreading doing extra work, and it’s only day two

 

Ok, I’ll try that

 

 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

With your mom, do you mean you cant tell her about your mental health? If so, why is that?

[Emberfrost12]

9 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

With your mom, do you mean you cant tell her about your mental health? If so, why is that?

Yeah, I can’t tell her about things because

 

a) i just generally don’t trust her around that. When i told her about my self-harm issues last year, she yelled at me about how that was unfair to her and how i had a good family, a good home, a good income, etcetera, etcetera… and I don’t want to deal with that again

 

b) she takes away my ability to do basic stuff, for example, I’m not allowed time on the computer, I’m not allowed to do extracurriculars, and also, I’m not allowed to try out for GATE, which i really want to do. It honestly hurts me more when she takes things away, because I feel like it’s because she doesn’t trust me. 

 

So it looks like if i go through more tough mental health problems, I’m doing it without her. 

 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear she didn't respond well to you opening up about the self-harm issues. How is that going for you now by the way? Also, it kind of sounds like she didn't really understand mental health from the perspective of how you can still have a good family and home, but still struggle. What do you think? 

[Emberfrost12]

On 9/4/2022 at 4:44 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear she didn't respond well to you opening up about the self-harm issues. How is that going for you now by the way? Also, it kind of sounds like she didn't really understand mental health from the perspective of how you can still have a good family and home, but still struggle. What do you think? 

Actually, really well. I think I'm...five months clean? I stopped counting because it made me feel worse if I stopped a clean streak. My scars still bother me, but that can't be avoided. They're faded, so not easy to see, which is nice, even though now I just hate my arms :(

Maybe, maybe not, I don't know. Weirdly enough, I think it's a 'my child can't have this problem, anyone else can' thing, because she listens to podcasts on mental health, but only for herself or just for general, and I know that it isn't in relation to me, because a lot of them have 'get a therapist' as a message, and the closes thing I have to a therapist is you (Thank you, by the way).