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Caught my boyfriend sexually talking to boys but I want to be with him


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Hi everyone, 

I never imagined myself on a site like this and it’s hard for me but I am desperate for advice. A few days ago my perfect relationship came crashing down when I saw on my boyfriends phone he was Instagram and snap chatting boys sexually. When I confronted him, he denied it but eventually admitted speaking to 5 guys in the past two weeks. After a long chat he admitted to me that he has been previously sexually involved with men but chose not to tell me as he was scared I wouldn’t understand and would leave him. I was so shocked as our relationship was literally perfect, including sexually. We were moving in together in a few months. I am so confused as he tells me he wished he had told me sooner and he made a huge mistake and wants to make things right. I love him so much but the bottom line is that he cheated on me and if he was happy enough with me then he wouldn’t have went behind my back, or was he just confused? But he said he has explored it before which makes me feel like he just cheated and nothing more. I want to be with him so much that I almost wish I never saw it at all,  but I have no idea where to go from this point:( 

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I honestly have never dated anybody but it might be good to have an outsiders opinion.

so maybe u should tell him that it feels like he cheated and have an argument and resolve it. It might be good it might be bad but then u Will know and it will be solved. Also u r right he could very well be just confused and not mean anything by it. But u need to tell him this.

I hope this helped a little. Good luck 👍🏻!

 

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Wow thank you so much for replying, you have no idea how good it is to have someone else’s opinion. All my friends have said I have to leave him and I don’t know what to do. 
 

He knows he cheated, or that that’s how I see it, we have separated for the time being and he hasn’t slept for days for what I’ve heard, he is devastated. He has went home to his mums house and is begging for me back explaining how sorry he is. I don’t know if this will make sense to anyone if they have went through a similar thing g but he claims to me that the reason he didn’t see it as cheating is because he had never admitted he felt bisexual out loud and so it didn’t feel real to him, and he didn’t associate it with our relationship at all. I don’t know if this is an explaination or an excuse so I need help. He says that now he has accepted out loud who he is, he knows what he really wants and that is to be with me and says he has thrown away the best thing in his life. He has admitted everything and come out about his sexuality to all of our friends and his parents in the space of 4 days which shows a real dedication to me, he is determined to get me back, but I am so scared he is going to do this again. 

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  • Digital Mentor
16 hours ago, Harley123 said:

Hi everyone, 

I never imagined myself on a site like this and it’s hard for me but I am desperate for advice. A few days ago my perfect relationship came crashing down when I saw on my boyfriends phone he was Instagram and snap chatting boys sexually. When I confronted him, he denied it but eventually admitted speaking to 5 guys in the past two weeks. After a long chat he admitted to me that he has been previously sexually involved with men but chose not to tell me as he was scared I wouldn’t understand and would leave him. I was so shocked as our relationship was literally perfect, including sexually. We were moving in together in a few months. I am so confused as he tells me he wished he had told me sooner and he made a huge mistake and wants to make things right. I love him so much but the bottom line is that he cheated on me and if he was happy enough with me then he wouldn’t have went behind my back, or was he just confused? But he said he has explored it before which makes me feel like he just cheated and nothing more. I want to be with him so much that I almost wish I never saw it at all,  but I have no idea where to go from this point:( 

Hey Harley,

Welcome to our community :)

I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give support to those who reach out to us. I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened with your boyfriend. I can imagine that this is really upsetting for you, and we would love to help you. Before we get into it, can I just check, do you fall in the age range of 12-25 years old? I just wanted to make sure as on our community, we only support in this age range. It's okay if not, and we can point you in the direction of other support services if you fall outside of the age range! Speak soon.

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Hi Harley, this is a tough situation to be in. I would imagine that he is feeling pretty bad if he's not faced this part of himself properly before and kept it hidden. It's quite possible that he doesn't want to hurt you but while it's good to be understanding, your feeling are important too.

Do you think you could take a step back and remain in touch while he processes his feelings? It could well be that he is bi but if he doesn't face how he is feeling about it, it's always going to be there and burying the way he feels won't help him or your relationship. 

How does that sound?

 

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Hi! Thank you so so much for the reply. 
 

i know that and I am trying to do what is best for myself at the minute but it’s very difficult and confusing when he says what he wants is me and I love him a lot. 
 

The main confusion is because he explained to me that he has explored these feelings in his past before, he has had a few experiences physically with boys but it has always been a secret, and he says he has also considered telling me on a number of occasions but didn’t because he was scared I was going to leave him (which I wouldn’t have I would have made it work because I loved him) the fact that he has explored it before makes me feel worse in the sense that he wasn’t exploring while messaging these boys and he was actually just cheating on me when you look at the situation for what it is, if he was confused and trying to work out how he felt, I would understand, but the fact that he had explored it before and knew himself and still did this messaging means he just cheated and nothing more. however, it does make me more inclined to believe him when he is saying he has made a huge mistake and now he has been forced to admit his sexuality out loud he knows that what he wants is to be with me, he says he doesn’t need to explore it any further as he has in the past, and now that he has been truthful, he knows what he did was wrong, a huge mistake and he wants to be with me. I want to believe that but I also think the longer he is open about these feelings they might progress and he will want to explore them further and I don’t want to risk being caught up in that and hurt again. I believe that he believes he is done with exploring and I do believe he wants to be with me, but I don’t know if that will change in time:( 

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  • Digital Mentor
3 hours ago, Harley123 said:

Hi! Thank you so so much for the reply. 
 

i know that and I am trying to do what is best for myself at the minute but it’s very difficult and confusing when he says what he wants is me and I love him a lot. 
 

The main confusion is because he explained to me that he has explored these feelings in his past before, he has had a few experiences physically with boys but it has always been a secret, and he says he has also considered telling me on a number of occasions but didn’t because he was scared I was going to leave him (which I wouldn’t have I would have made it work because I loved him) the fact that he has explored it before makes me feel worse in the sense that he wasn’t exploring while messaging these boys and he was actually just cheating on me when you look at the situation for what it is, if he was confused and trying to work out how he felt, I would understand, but the fact that he had explored it before and knew himself and still did this messaging means he just cheated and nothing more. however, it does make me more inclined to believe him when he is saying he has made a huge mistake and now he has been forced to admit his sexuality out loud he knows that what he wants is to be with me, he says he doesn’t need to explore it any further as he has in the past, and now that he has been truthful, he knows what he did was wrong, a huge mistake and he wants to be with me. I want to believe that but I also think the longer he is open about these feelings they might progress and he will want to explore them further and I don’t want to risk being caught up in that and hurt again. I believe that he believes he is done with exploring and I do believe he wants to be with me, but I don’t know if that will change in time:( 

Hi Harley, I think you've hit the nail on the head - this is all about the cheating plus respect and honesty. You deserve respect and honesty as an absolute baseline in a relationship. However, I also get that people can't just switch off feelings when you've been in a relationship; it takes time. I still think you need some space and he needs to understand how you have been impacted by the cheating. As you have said, it has nothing to do with the fact it was guys he was messaging - the impact would have been the same had it been girls.

If he is serious then he needs to put the work in and earn your forgiveness and trust and understand that this will take time - you can't rush things like this. Do you think you could create some space and have that conversation about him committing to do that for you? The change doesn't ned to come from you (if you decide to stay with him, he can hope you forgive him) he needs to put the work in.

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Hello again! Thank you for helping I really appreciate it again, 

I think that is what we both need. I am so sad because it’s my birthday next week, he booked us to go to Paris, he planned a big brunch with all of my friends, we have a holiday to santorini in June which is non refundable and I want to do all of those things with him and he does too but I am just too broken :( I also now don’t have living arrangements for next year and I am just so alone:( 

I have told him we need space but he can’t seem to give me it. He will text me, ring me crying, he isn’t eating/sleeping and constantly throwing up and messaging my friends telling everyone how sorry he is. He also came out about his sexuality to all of our friends, his parents and his friends from home to prove to me he is serious about fixing this, which I do really respect from him of course as I can imagine how hard that was after not only hiding it for his whole life, but being exposed at 3am and confronting this within 24hours. I know he loves me and he says he is willing to do everything. We just need time, and I don’t know where to go from here. 

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  • Digital Mentor
13 hours ago, Harley123 said:

Hello again! Thank you for helping I really appreciate it again, 

I think that is what we both need. I am so sad because it’s my birthday next week, he booked us to go to Paris, he planned a big brunch with all of my friends, we have a holiday to santorini in June which is non refundable and I want to do all of those things with him and he does too but I am just too broken :( I also now don’t have living arrangements for next year and I am just so alone:( 

I have told him we need space but he can’t seem to give me it. He will text me, ring me crying, he isn’t eating/sleeping and constantly throwing up and messaging my friends telling everyone how sorry he is. He also came out about his sexuality to all of our friends, his parents and his friends from home to prove to me he is serious about fixing this, which I do really respect from him of course as I can imagine how hard that was after not only hiding it for his whole life, but being exposed at 3am and confronting this within 24hours. I know he loves me and he says he is willing to do everything. We just need time, and I don’t know where to go from here. 

I completely understand your sadness - you've been let down by someone you should be able to trust. It does sound like he's genuinely sorry and has made a lot of gestures to start to make up. Even so, you are still going to need time to heal and decide what you do going forward. You remain very understanding so you deserve this back - moving forward needs to be right for both of you and not just take account of his feelings.

Does he have support around him? If so, it would be good to take a step back, tell him that you need time to think and to process which doesn't necessarily mean and end to the relationship. I wonder if you could agree to speak at certain times /days so that the constant emotional pressure is off but you still have contact.  How does that sound? 

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Hi Blondie, thank you again. 
 

id love to say I am able to move forward but the reality is the trust is so broken that I don’t know if there will ever be chance of repair:( 

I do agree though that I need time away, but having someone there 24/7 to go to being completely single in the space of a day has left me so lonely and I feel like I have nobody to speak to because I am embaressed that I’ve got myself into this situation twice now. I am going to meet up with zac in 3 weeks or so and give him the opportunity to tell me the full truth and I will go from there. 
 

Thank you for being so kind and understanding :( 

harley x 

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2 hours ago, Harley123 said:

Hi Blondie, thank you again. 
 

id love to say I am able to move forward but the reality is the trust is so broken that I don’t know if there will ever be chance of repair:( 

I do agree though that I need time away, but having someone there 24/7 to go to being completely single in the space of a day has left me so lonely and I feel like I have nobody to speak to because I am embaressed that I’ve got myself into this situation twice now. I am going to meet up with zac in 3 weeks or so and give him the opportunity to tell me the full truth and I will go from there. 
 

Thank you for being so kind and understanding :( 

harley x 

You're welcome - we're here for you.

If you feel able to update, please let us know how the meeting goes.

And you're right, it's a tough transition. I would definitely suggest taking some time to connect / reconnect with friends so you can build up your support system around you. Try not to feel embarrassed - unfortunately this is how we learn and grow (as painful as that can be). 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi everyone, I thought I would give. an update

Initially I ended things completely, I told him he had to go and explore this side of himself and I needed to be single as he had hurt me so much. He continued to call me every day about how sorry he was, but was also still messaging boys as I later found out, the has happened on two occasions in the last month. I feel upset by that but also cant be as I did tell him to do that. When confronted, he says that he knew always and still does know that what he wants is to be with me and that his head is just confused with everyone encouraging him to explore his sexuality and also with a new sense of liberation and freedom being open about his feelings, which I do understand but it is extremely upsetting for me. In the last week or so he has committed fully to getting me back, has deleted social media, and we have had some really mature and good conversations about when and why the messaging happened. I do believe he is a good person and I want to believe that this wouldn't happen again if we were together, but the fact that I ended it and he was messaging people within hours/days makes me concerned it would, but then again that was in an emotional, confusing and alcohol fuelled time of the situation. I find comfort in speaking to him as I feel better trying to understand what he did as I know it was nothing to do with me and when I see him so upset I feel relived in a way that he obviously still cares a lot and wants to fix this, but I feel very in the middle and feel like I need to make one of two decisions to either try to re build and move on completely, or end It and I cant decide what's best my head and heart say differently :(  I cannot face taking the risk of this ever happening to me again but I also believe he loves me and that it wouldn't happen again. But even when I see him I am miserable and so hurt that I cant help but hold him to it and bring it up againadn again which I am aware means it will never work, It is going to be a very long hard process but wondering if anyone has any opinions/advice :(

Thank u as always 

Harley x 

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Hey Harley,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time for this. It's such a tricky situation isn't it because he is showing that commitment to getting you back in a way, but essentially, your trust has been broken which may take a long time to come back, if at all. It completely makes sense that you hold him to it and bring it up; you are hurting, and being open and expressing such hurt will help you to get through it. I think that in this kind of situation, it always comes back down to trust, and I'm wondering, do you feel like you could ever trust him again? What's your gut feeling?

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yeah, just part of me thinks if he was that distraught about losing me when I found out, how could he message other people within days, whether he was calling me and begging for me back at the same time or not, its all very confusing. In a short answer, my head says no going back, my heart says try to work through this. But even when I try I cant seem to, I get angry at myself for even giving him the time of day because his actions have shown that he doesn't deserve to feel forgiven at all or be with me when he hurt me so much. I feel like seeing and speaking to him is me giving him an easy fix and forgiveness which I cant allow myself to do because I am so hurt. He wants to build the trust back, but I dont think I am ready, I am also not ready to end all contact because I know it will break my heart more, but my friends are starting to get annoyed at the fact that they have all fell out with him over what he has done, and I am continuing to see him/speak to him.. I understand that snd I dont want to lose my friends. 

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Hey there,

Yeah, I totally get that conflict between your head and heart, and really, I think there is no rush to decide now, what do you think? Could you take some time to process and make a decision that isn't made on impulse? 

Also, it's interesting that you said about not wanting to lose your friends over this; can you tell me more about that? 

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yeah so basically myself and my boyfriend are in the same group of friends, we all actually live together in two flats (not together with my boyfriend), so when they found out what he had done they were all also extremely upset as well and they all fell out with him, his two housemates actually moved out because they couldn't face him etc and nobody has really spoken to him as they wanted to support me of course.

The issue is I miss him so much and I am struggling not speaking to him/seeing him. We slept together one two weeks ago which I did instantly regret but I am currently so confused about what I want and also really alone and down so it was a mix of all of those and a few drinks as well. But when my friends found out id seen/slept with him, they all started talking to each other saying they felt let down by me and like they had all been falling out with zac for nothing. I do understand their point of view but its so difficult to explain. unless you are in my situation what you would do. I dont want to lie or look like I am disrespecting my friends advice/support and I dont want to fall out with them but currently I feel like I am living in a fishbowl and they are judging me whatever I do. 

I wish I didn't have to make a decision right now, but I feel as though I do because of the position my friends are in etc. I feel like I have to cut contact with him but I really dont want to, but when I do talk to him I hate myself for letting him have my time because he needs to realise what he has lost... I dont know.

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