Friendship situation about jealousy (I couldn't find a better title sorry)

[Flooo]

Hi, this message is just about a friendship situation going on that I want to get off my chest.

I have two bestfriends, and they both confide in me. I usually find the right thing to say, or I give them reconfort. But lately, (let's say Bestfriend 1) Bestfriend 1 has a lot of mental health/trauma related problems, and I don't know what to answer or how to help them. And I truly wish to help her. So, when she told me that she had a problem but I was in it, I told her that she could tell me and that if I did something that hurt her, I wanted to to know it to make myself a better person. But I didn't think that I was, kind of, right in the middle of it (I don't know how to say it, like, it's about me, but it's not about something I did)

I think it started about a couple of months ago, when she was feeling sad because she felt that she didn't fit in the friend group (we are 5 friends).  I told her that she was one my bestfriends so when she feels alone, she always have me. But I think I started it with this sentence.

She really likes me, and she told me I was her only friend and she says that we are a perfect match and that we complete each other. But she feels like we are so great bestfriends, but I don't feel the same way, and I really feel bad because I don't feel the same way. I feel bad, because when I am with her or I chat with her, I feel pressured. I love my alone time, but if I am online, she will chat with me for hours. And I, like the horrible friend I am, I find excuses to stop chatting. That's avoiding people, and that's not what friends do. So I feel bad, because I'm, like, the worst friend and she feels like I'm such an amazing person. 

I am uncomfortable with like, affection things, so sometimes when she asks me questions, like, "If you should date someone in the friend group, who would you date?" And that was the time I think I hurt her the most and the most un comfortable question, because I have a crush on someone in the friend group but it's not her. (She isn't in love with me, she's aromantic). So I said, "I don't know, you all are amazing." And that really hurt her. 

Sometimes, when I talk to Bestfriend 2, she says stuff like come! It's important or things to make me talk to her and not bestfriend 2 so for a week I didn't talk at all to Bestfriend 2 and I was sad because I also wanted to spend time with her, too.

Bestfriend 2 is really someone extraordinary. She is always there for me, she's funny, caring, and she is just so amazing I think she's the best person I ever met. I am really attached to her and she really is an amazing friend. I have a thousand of good memories with her, and I like spending time with her. She's really nice. 

So when I said to her that she was one of my bestfriends and that when she feels alone, she always have me, that's when she started asking questions that really unsettled me, because I didn't know what to answer (I ended up saying  both of you). She asked me to choose between her and Bestfriend 2. And she also asked me who I would shoot if my twin or she was in the room (I ended up saying myself). And that really made me uncomfortable, because I felt bad for disappointing her in not choosing her, but at the same time I get angry that she would ask me that, because I like all of my friends.

So, now that I've given context, here is the situation:

(Before I finally let it out, I just feel desperate because I am the one who is expected, needed and "asked" to find a solution. But I don't know what to do)

I am arriving at Ikea, so I'm continuing this later (don't know why I say it like someone is waiting for me, but it's nice to think that)

So, Bestfriend 1 has jealousy issues (that is how she calls it)  and when I'm with Best friend 2, she can't help but feel jealous. So, she may quit the friend group because there are too many situations in which she feels too jealous and she doesn't feel like she belong because she cannot be in a friend group of more than two. She wants to always be with me, but sometimes, I wanna see my other friends, so that's a problem, because she doesn't want to be alone half the time if I spend half of my time with her and half of my time with Bestfriend 2 and the rest of my friend group. And Bestfriend 1 doesn't think she can overcome her issues, so I need to be the one doing the efforts to make this friendship work. So, I don't know how to make this work out, and I need to find a solution but I just don't see how.

I don't want her to feel alone and if she left the friend group I'll probably feel too guilty.

So yeah, that's mostly it...

If you read all of this thank you

[Aurora]

On 1/6/2024 at 2:46 PM, Flooo said:

Hi, this message is just about a friendship situation going on that I want to get off my chest.

I have two bestfriends, and they both confide in me. I usually find the right thing to say, or I give them reconfort. But lately, (let's say Bestfriend 1) Bestfriend 1 has a lot of mental health/trauma related problems, and I don't know what to answer or how to help them. And I truly wish to help her. So, when she told me that she had a problem but I was in it, I told her that she could tell me and that if I did something that hurt her, I wanted to to know it to make myself a better person. But I didn't think that I was, kind of, right in the middle of it (I don't know how to say it, like, it's about me, but it's not about something I did)

I think it started about a couple of months ago, when she was feeling sad because she felt that she didn't fit in the friend group (we are 5 friends).  I told her that she was one my bestfriends so when she feels alone, she always have me. But I think I started it with this sentence.

She really likes me, and she told me I was her only friend and she says that we are a perfect match and that we complete each other. But she feels like we are so great bestfriends, but I don't feel the same way, and I really feel bad because I don't feel the same way. I feel bad, because when I am with her or I chat with her, I feel pressured. I love my alone time, but if I am online, she will chat with me for hours. And I, like the horrible friend I am, I find excuses to stop chatting. That's avoiding people, and that's not what friends do. So I feel bad, because I'm, like, the worst friend and she feels like I'm such an amazing person. 

I am uncomfortable with like, affection things, so sometimes when she asks me questions, like, "If you should date someone in the friend group, who would you date?" And that was the time I think I hurt her the most and the most un comfortable question, because I have a crush on someone in the friend group but it's not her. (She isn't in love with me, she's aromantic). So I said, "I don't know, you all are amazing." And that really hurt her. 

Sometimes, when I talk to Bestfriend 2, she says stuff like come! It's important or things to make me talk to her and not bestfriend 2 so for a week I didn't talk at all to Bestfriend 2 and I was sad because I also wanted to spend time with her, too.

Bestfriend 2 is really someone extraordinary. She is always there for me, she's funny, caring, and she is just so amazing I think she's the best person I ever met. I am really attached to her and she really is an amazing friend. I have a thousand of good memories with her, and I like spending time with her. She's really nice. 

So when I said to her that she was one of my bestfriends and that when she feels alone, she always have me, that's when she started asking questions that really unsettled me, because I didn't know what to answer (I ended up saying  both of you). She asked me to choose between her and Bestfriend 2. And she also asked me who I would shoot if my twin or she was in the room (I ended up saying myself). And that really made me uncomfortable, because I felt bad for disappointing her in not choosing her, but at the same time I get angry that she would ask me that, because I like all of my friends.

So, now that I've given context, here is the situation:

(Before I finally let it out, I just feel desperate because I am the one who is expected, needed and "asked" to find a solution. But I don't know what to do)

I am arriving at Ikea, so I'm continuing this later (don't know why I say it like someone is waiting for me, but it's nice to think that)

So, Bestfriend 1 has jealousy issues (that is how she calls it)  and when I'm with Best friend 2, she can't help but feel jealous. So, she may quit the friend group because there are too many situations in which she feels too jealous and she doesn't feel like she belong because she cannot be in a friend group of more than two. She wants to always be with me, but sometimes, I wanna see my other friends, so that's a problem, because she doesn't want to be alone half the time if I spend half of my time with her and half of my time with Bestfriend 2 and the rest of my friend group. And Bestfriend 1 doesn't think she can overcome her issues, so I need to be the one doing the efforts to make this friendship work. So, I don't know how to make this work out, and I need to find a solution but I just don't see how.

I don't want her to feel alone and if she left the friend group I'll probably feel too guilty.

So yeah, that's mostly it...

If you read all of this thank you

Hi @Flooo, I've only just seen your message. I'm sorry it's taken a few days for someone to get back to you. 

Can I start off by saying what a kind and thoughtful friend you are . You seem to think about your friends a lot and it's obvious that you're concerned about their happiness. I hope you don't mind me saying this but I'm wondering, whether you might be forgetting about your own happiness a little bit. What do you think? I totally get your situation though - I'm someone who always wants everyone to be happy and get along and it's really difficult if things don't work out like that. 

I do have a few thoughts about what you told us and I'm very happy to share these with you if you would find that helpful. However, before I do, I'm curious to hear from you - if one of your friends came to you and told me everything you've just told us, what advice would you give them? 

[Flooo]

Hi Aurora! Thanks for your kind words

I'm sorry for responding this a bit late, I've been a little bit busy with exams and back-to-school.

I don't mind you asking this at all, so here's my answer: in total honesty, I feel like I'm a bit forgetting my own happiness. When I don't like certain things or situations, I usually tell myself that it makes someone happy, so that's all that matters. But maybe, sometimes I can make myself matter a bit more. It's been a while since I haven't done something for myself, so in the next weeks, I think I am going to ask myself if that's really what I want. 

If one of my friends came up to me about this, I think I would have given them this advice: First I'd tell them not to feel guilty if they can't help everyone. And that maybe she and Best friend 1 could try to work through her jealousy issues by small steps, and when she feels like she doesn't fit she could talk about it. I would also tell them to maybe inform Best friend 2 about the situation, because she is in it and she can help Bestfriend 1 too. Even though it won't be magically solved and it might still be there, at least concrete actions and working together work better than trying to find a solution by yourself and jumping from friend to friend, trying not to hurt anyone.

So, I think I would've said that. I don't know if that's good advice or not, but at the end if it's not I'll learn how to better give advice 

I would find that helpful if you share your thoughts with me, seeing an exterior point of view seems interesting 

Thank you for answering me, that's really kind and nice  

 

 

[Aurora]

On 1/12/2024 at 1:07 PM, Flooo said:

Hi Aurora! Thanks for your kind words

I'm sorry for responding this a bit late, I've been a little bit busy with exams and back-to-school.

I don't mind you asking this at all, so here's my answer: in total honesty, I feel like I'm a bit forgetting my own happiness. When I don't like certain things or situations, I usually tell myself that it makes someone happy, so that's all that matters. But maybe, sometimes I can make myself matter a bit more. It's been a while since I haven't done something for myself, so in the next weeks, I think I am going to ask myself if that's really what I want. 

If one of my friends came up to me about this, I think I would have given them this advice: First I'd tell them not to feel guilty if they can't help everyone. And that maybe she and Best friend 1 could try to work through her jealousy issues by small steps, and when she feels like she doesn't fit she could talk about it. I would also tell them to maybe inform Best friend 2 about the situation, because she is in it and she can help Bestfriend 1 too. Even though it won't be magically solved and it might still be there, at least concrete actions and working together work better than trying to find a solution by yourself and jumping from friend to friend, trying not to hurt anyone.

So, I think I would've said that. I don't know if that's good advice or not, but at the end if it's not I'll learn how to better give advice 

I would find that helpful if you share your thoughts with me, seeing an exterior point of view seems interesting 

Thank you for answering me, that's really kind and nice  

Hi @Flooo, no problem at all. This is your space and you can reply whenever you like 

I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to get back to you. I'm online Tuesday, Thursday and Fridays, which is why it can sometimes take a little longer until I get back to you. I hope that's OK. If you ever feel like you need an urgent reply then please feel free to tag in the other support mentors and they will get back to you. 

I think that the advice you would give to a friend is really good advice! You're absolutely right, it's important to know that you can't help everyone with everything and it's not your responsibility either - you are already going above and beyond trying to help your friends and being there for them. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Another really good point you have raised is about trying to work through the issue in small steps. Breaking things down into small steps can be really helpful as it makes it less overwhelming and easier to achieve. You mentioned that your friend has acknowledged that she has problems with jealousy. Do you think she would be open for you to work on this together? If so maybe the two of you could have a conversation about how you could break this down into small steps. What do you think? 

I also think that it's a really good idea to tell Bestfriend 2 about what's been going on. It is a lot for you to deal with and it might be nice for you to be able to talk to someone else about it. And as you said, Bestfriend 2 might be able to help you and Bestfriend 1 with the situation. How do you feel about talking to Bestfriend 2?

I'm now going to share my own thoughts about your situation with you. I wanted to start off by saying again what a great, caring and thoughtful friend you are and you're friends are very lucky to have such a wonderful friend . Reading through everything you told me though I get the impression that Bestfriend 1 might be a little too attached to you. Would you agree? When we get really attached to someone it can sometimes feel a bit too intense for the other person. Being emotionally dependant on someone can sometimes negatively affect the relationship, especially if we don't want them to be friends with anyone else. Which is what it sounds like to me - that your friend would prefer it if you were only friends with them and no one else. Am I right in thinking that there are certain aspects of your friendship you're both not happy with because of how attached she is to you? And I agree with you, some of the things Bestfriend 1 has been saying are not appropriate and would make most people feel uncomfortable eg when she asked you to chose between Bestfriend 2 and her or when she asked you who you would shoot, her or your twin? My suggestions is that it's OK to think about your own happiness in those situations. If she says something that makes you feel uncomfortable then it's OK to tell her that and ask her to stop doing it. I would imagine that if you said something that made her uncomfortable you would want her to talk to you about it. Is that right? 

You also mentioned that your friend has lots of mental health/trauma related problems and I am wondering if she is getting any help with this? If not, do you think that is something you would feel comfortable suggesting to her? When we are dealing with our mental health it can sometimes affect the way we interact with others. It sounds like your friend could maybe do with some additional support. This might also help her to feel less dependant on you as she will have someone else to talk about things as well. What do you think? 

I'm so pleased to hear that you want to focus on yourself and your own happiness a bit more. Do you mind me asking, do you have any ideas on how you might go about this? Don't feel you have to share this with me if you don't want to. It's quite a personal question so I can totally understand if you don't feel comfortable talking about it. 

How are you feeling about everything now? We're here for you if you would like to talk about it all some more. 

[Flooo]

Hi Aurora! Thanks again

It's totally okay, I totally don't expect an immediate response and you should take time for yourself too.

Thanks again for you words, it makes me realize it as I was writing it, and I'm feeling a bit better

I think she would be open to working on it, because she doesn't like how it stresses her and makes friendships hard. I think I'll talk to her about doing small steps, I really feel like it could work

After writing that I should maybe talk to it to Best friend 2, I decided to tell her the situation. I felt really relieved because she listened and understood and tried to help me. So, I guess I feel really okay She was also very reassuring

Thank you again again, it's nice to hear nice words To be honest, I feel like she is too attached to me. Someday she is barely talking to her other friend and only talk with me for hours.I agree that it feels sometimes too intense and invasive. I think you are totally right, there is a lot of areas (example, if I want to have a sleepover with other friends, she will get angry and sometimes ignore me, or because she texts me a lot sometimes when I'm relaxing in the weekends, she thinks I don't like her anymore, because I am not as attached to her as she is to me) in our friendship that are affected because of this. I think I may tell her that those questions make me uncomfortable, because sometimes it really stresses me and I don't like it. I used to (and kinda still do) feel like I was selfish for saying to stop doing things or to do some things that I like. But I think I'm going to tell her this time. And yes, if I said something that annoyed her I would want her to tell me so I don't hurt her or make her uncomfortable.

The 3 other friends and I tried to tell her to seek help because of it, or even talk to her mother, who (I don't know the name of her job in English) helps people with problems. But she is very closed to talking to people, even me sometimes, and she dismissed every try to get help. She went to get help once, but because we were under 14 they called her parents and she didn't like that and never went to get help again after that episode. I can maybe tell her to go to the place my sister goes for her problems of mental health (again, I'm sorry, I just don't know what is the name of it in English), but I think that she's too scared to tell her parents that she wants to see someone. But that fear shouldn't stop her from getting help. I am still going to tell her, I think. I think she really needs some other help, and also confiding in someone other than me would be better in my opinion to have a better grasp at her own situation.

Again, thanks for caring about me. I totally don't mind, so in total honesty, here is my answer: it's been just so long since I've been outside. These days, I was really tired and for example eating seemed like a big task, so I guess I didn't really think of going outside . It's been a while since I didn't work on a book or wrote a story (me, my twin, bestfriend 2 and my childhood bestfriend are having a project to write a nice story together) and the character I write is kind of a comfort character, and yeah, it would be nice to start writing again. I even maybe could watch my movies on movie nights instead of directing the choice towards other people when it's my turn to choose (I am afraid to choose a bad movie or just something boring and then everyone has a bad time)

I am feeling a bit better now that some solutions seems to exist , thank you for making me feel better 

 

[Aurora]

On 1/23/2024 at 9:22 PM, Flooo said:

Hi Aurora! Thanks again

It's totally okay, I totally don't expect an immediate response and you should take time for yourself too.

Thanks again for you words, it makes me realize it as I was writing it, and I'm feeling a bit better

I think she would be open to working on it, because she doesn't like how it stresses her and makes friendships hard. I think I'll talk to her about doing small steps, I really feel like it could work

After writing that I should maybe talk to it to Best friend 2, I decided to tell her the situation. I felt really relieved because she listened and understood and tried to help me. So, I guess I feel really okay She was also very reassuring

Thank you again again, it's nice to hear nice words To be honest, I feel like she is too attached to me. Someday she is barely talking to her other friend and only talk with me for hours.I agree that it feels sometimes too intense and invasive. I think you are totally right, there is a lot of areas (example, if I want to have a sleepover with other friends, she will get angry and sometimes ignore me, or because she texts me a lot sometimes when I'm relaxing in the weekends, she thinks I don't like her anymore, because I am not as attached to her as she is to me) in our friendship that are affected because of this. I think I may tell her that those questions make me uncomfortable, because sometimes it really stresses me and I don't like it. I used to (and kinda still do) feel like I was selfish for saying to stop doing things or to do some things that I like. But I think I'm going to tell her this time. And yes, if I said something that annoyed her I would want her to tell me so I don't hurt her or make her uncomfortable.

The 3 other friends and I tried to tell her to seek help because of it, or even talk to her mother, who (I don't know the name of her job in English) helps people with problems. But she is very closed to talking to people, even me sometimes, and she dismissed every try to get help. She went to get help once, but because we were under 14 they called her parents and she didn't like that and never went to get help again after that episode. I can maybe tell her to go to the place my sister goes for her problems of mental health (again, I'm sorry, I just don't know what is the name of it in English), but I think that she's too scared to tell her parents that she wants to see someone. But that fear shouldn't stop her from getting help. I am still going to tell her, I think. I think she really needs some other help, and also confiding in someone other than me would be better in my opinion to have a better grasp at her own situation.

Again, thanks for caring about me. I totally don't mind, so in total honesty, here is my answer: it's been just so long since I've been outside. These days, I was really tired and for example eating seemed like a big task, so I guess I didn't really think of going outside . It's been a while since I didn't work on a book or wrote a story (me, my twin, bestfriend 2 and my childhood bestfriend are having a project to write a nice story together) and the character I write is kind of a comfort character, and yeah, it would be nice to start writing again. I even maybe could watch my movies on movie nights instead of directing the choice towards other people when it's my turn to choose (I am afraid to choose a bad movie or just something boring and then everyone has a bad time)

I am feeling a bit better now that some solutions seems to exist , thank you for making me feel better 

Hi Floo, 

I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better and that we could come up with some solutions together . I think you're really good at recognising when there is a problem and coming up with some great solutions yourself - you just need to trust yourself a bit more 

That's great that you could speak to Best friend 2 about everything and that she has been supportive and able to help you. She sounds like a lovely friend. 

It's good to hear that you think that Bestfriend 1 will be open to working on your friendship. Maybe you could mention to her as well that there are certain things that she says/does make you uncomfortable and ask her if that is something she would be willing to work on as well. I can reassure you that it isn't selfish at all to tell her these things. All of this has been affecting your feelings. You matter and so do your feelings! And hopefully your friend will understand that. 

It's unfortunate that when your friend tried to get help once, they called her parents.  You mentioned that it's because she is under 14. I can see from your bio that you are 13. Do you mind me asking if your friend is also 13 and does she turn 14 soon? If she does, maybe she would feel more comfortable asking for some additional support once she has turned 14. What do you think? 

It's brilliant that you have come up with all these great ideas of how you can take care of yourself a bit more. Spending time outside and writing a book or a story are great ways to focus on yourself a bit more. What do you do when you're outside. There was a post on here a while back about climbing trees and it reminded me of how much I enjoy climbing trees and that I hadn't done it in ages. 

I love that you said that you are planning on actually choosing a movie during movie night when it's your turn. It might not seem like a big thing but it sounds like a big step to me when it comes to thinking about your own happiness a bit more! It's so interesting what you said about being afraid of choosing a bad/boring movie and everyone having a bad time. Can you think of a more helpful way of looking at things that you could tell yourself in that situation? 

[Flooo]

Hi

This is njt gonna be in-link with the message you sent me, because something just happened and I'm a bit freaking out 

So basically I was in a school activity day and I was skiing and then things really went bad and it was horrible we got lost for an hour had to climb a cliff with skis almost got run Iverson by a ski-doo I fell a thousand times and we had an accident in which Best friend 2 broke her Thingy that I'm too tired to remember the vocabulary and she did soemthjgvtobher muscle and I was a deadweight mostly because I don't know how to ski and it was my first time skiing and it was embarrassing because I don't know how to ice-skate either and well everyone knows how to and I am considered a bit weird because J don't knkw how to do thise thibgs even though winter sports are everyone's childhood (I chose ski because Best friend 2 needed emotional support because sometimes Best friend 1 says things tht reminds her of her trauma because her family is let's say a little strange) and well Best friend 2 was having a hard time and well we hugged to comfort her 

And Bestfriend 1 looked half sad/jealous 

I am extremely uncomfortable with physical touch, hugging is ok but any other I just want to back off immediately 

So we were om the way back and I was reading my book and Best friend 1 just kinda put her head on my shoulder and I know this is weird but I just don't like that like not at all and she asked me to tell her if that made her uncomfortable and I should've said yes cause after I was like a statue and then she waited for me to be done with my page and she took my book closed it and pit her arm on my shoulder and I coukdn't see but I think she was mid-playing wuth my haire and started hugging me weirdly at that point I was freaking out and I asked her are you okay and she said no and she hold on to me for aproximarively 20 minutes and Best friend 2 was worrying for her too so I asked her what's on her mind and she said dépression thoughts and she needed to ask me a question but it's weird and I said sure you can tell me anything and she asked me what hs love and what is the difference between platonic love and romantic and at that point I was freaking out more and I tried my best to answer her question and little sidenote: it's not the first time she asks me questions like that, but I am starting to think she may like me and she also asked me in the last if I mind being in a platonic couple with her and she said when I was at a sleepover that she would probably hug me in her sleep and that made me really uncomfortable at the time and she also asked me or said a bunch if stuff about my sexyality or if I was a bottom top or switch (which I don't know, OUBVIOUSLY) and about what friendship and love meant and it's nkt the first time she randomly "cuddle" so an alarm kinda went off in my mind and I said the stupidest thing I ever said in my life:) I asked her a stupid question: Cab I ask tou a question that you may not like and she said yeah and I said but you don't have to answer and she was like what us it and I asked her What is the reason tou asked that? And she looked so panicked and she splurged out (she loves sherlock holmes) it's becahse I saw a tiktok about John and Sherlock and I wa Ted to confirm the John lock ship and of course I went along with it and she seemed really relieved I went along but I din't hnderstand what went through my mind there at the moment cause what the shrek was J doing with asking that question

She has a lot of depression thoughts and one of the lowest self-esteem I have ever seen and I know that IF she likes me and IF Big IFs here she tells me it one day if J tell her I don't have those feelings and if I'm dumb enough to blurt out I like someone else she may do something.

This is probably the worst tike to say this but I mentioned I liked someone else earlier and well that someone else is Best friend 2

Well that's said can't go back now 

Also I tried to tell her when she mentioned her depression thoughts that maybe she coukd seek help with ended in an abrupt no and I added that she can ask for help online (she told me the thing she hates is having to talk about it to someone she doesn't know) and I told her people online cannot judge her and are actually helpful a lot and it doesn't require to open up infront of someone and she can take the time she needs and she still said no but less harshly so I guess that's an improvement 

I just feel so bad cause when she was hugging me I felt really distressed and kinda wanted Best friend 2 to see I was uncomfortable but jeez Best friend 1 was sad and depressed and I just thought of my little person like what kind of friend does that 

I really feel like à bad friend because I don't know how to help her with her depression thoughts and I don't seem to like her as much as she likes me and that is just unfair for her 

I'm really sorry for saying this in a haste you don't need tk reply immediately I have a 3 day long break and I know I always reply late to tou but finding the right words takes time for me because I want to express myself correctly which is something J never do when I speak I hope that's okay 

Sorry for typing mistakes 

Edited January 27 by Flooo

[Flooo]

Hi

I don't know if the message I wrote while panicking appeared, because it says it's hidden-but if it's not then I wanted to apologize

I am really sorry for the haste I was in and the panicked way I was typing, it's just that I was well panicked And my thoughts were flowing in my mind and it isn't well what I usually say and I'm sorry for causing even more things 

If it is hidden then you don't have to read this text, it's a bit more fine now

I know I still haven't answered but I will in the next days I just need to find the time, turned put my weekend is gonna be like a roller coaster 

[Flooo]

Hi!

I'm again sorry for that last text. I didn't really think twice... so this is actually in link with with what you wrote to me

Thank you again, you are really nice. I promise I'm gonna try to trust myself more.

She truly is a lovely friend, and she always helps me in every situation. She always says the right things and she comforts me a lot. I kinda feel like I don't deserve being her friend

I'll probably talk to Best friend 1 soon about the situation. And I will mention to her the things that make me uncomfortable as well. I just need to tell myself it isn't selfish. I'm gonna repeat that. I just feel like I'm pointing everything wrong about her and she says nothing about my behaviors. But again if I'm pointing something it's because it hurts my feelings and my feelings matter. I'm going to try to tell myself that with confidence. There is something I'm not sure though, it's about how she will take it. Last year, she used to make weird jokes on my twin which led to her have less self confidence about her intelligence, and she used to twist our arms or pinch us. But it's okay, because she didn't know what she was doing. She grew up being isolated and we were her first friends. My twin didn't take it well and eventually she broke our friendship. She approached me a few months after and it was clear she had changed, so I forgave her, and my twin eventually. But she beat up herself so much because of what she had done, she went in a depression and she hated herself and she still does. I know she would be open to working on her issues because that's what she did last year, but I don't know what will the consequences on her mental health or self image, and if it affects her greatly, I don't want to be the cause of it.

My friend is 13 tear old as well, and she turns 14 a month before me (so in July) She once told me she thought about getting help when she turns 14 so they don't call her parents. When she does, I'll be there to remind her tht if she wants support, it will stay confidential now.

*Update: she just told me in text that she wanted to talk to the school's psychologist next year, and that's great!

Thanks Usually when I'm outside I either take walks (our backyard has a little forest) or I climb trees. I like climbing trees too! It's nice to see beyond every rooftop and watch the sunset. I don't know why I overshare, but I am really scared of heights, and trees are the only high place I can be peaceful in the air.

It truly is a big step for me to choose a movie. I think I could tell myself that every one can have a turn to put the things they like, and of people don't like it, it's okay, a lot of times someone put a movie that wasn't in my favorite genre and it ended up being really good, so why would it be different with my movies? Little sidenote: I like the same type of movies as my dad and my brother, so I won't really disappoint with my choices. 

I think I kind of worry a bit for nothing, sometimes haha

I know I don't make a lot of progress, and I'm really sorry if you feel like your time is wasting because I never advance 

I went outside yesterday, and it wad really fun and peaceful. I love winger because there s snow everywhere and it was really fun to play in the snow. I really enjoyed it, I'll definitely go outside more.

Have a good day

[Aurora]

On 1/27/2024 at 12:01 AM, Flooo said:

Hi

This is njt gonna be in-link with the message you sent me, because something just happened and I'm a bit freaking out 

So basically I was in a school activity day and I was skiing and then things really went bad and it was horrible we got lost for an hour had to climb a cliff with skis almost got run Iverson by a ski-doo I fell a thousand times and we had an accident in which Best friend 2 broke her Thingy that I'm too tired to remember the vocabulary and she did soemthjgvtobher muscle and I was a deadweight mostly because I don't know how to ski and it was my first time skiing and it was embarrassing because I don't know how to ice-skate either and well everyone knows how to and I am considered a bit weird because J don't knkw how to do thise thibgs even though winter sports are everyone's childhood (I chose ski because Best friend 2 needed emotional support because sometimes Best friend 1 says things tht reminds her of her trauma because her family is let's say a little strange) and well Best friend 2 was having a hard time and well we hugged to comfort her 

And Bestfriend 1 looked half sad/jealous 

I am extremely uncomfortable with physical touch, hugging is ok but any other I just want to back off immediately 

So we were om the way back and I was reading my book and Best friend 1 just kinda put her head on my shoulder and I know this is weird but I just don't like that like not at all and she asked me to tell her if that made her uncomfortable and I should've said yes cause after I was like a statue and then she waited for me to be done with my page and she took my book closed it and pit her arm on my shoulder and I coukdn't see but I think she was mid-playing wuth my haire and started hugging me weirdly at that point I was freaking out and I asked her are you okay and she said no and she hold on to me for aproximarively 20 minutes and Best friend 2 was worrying for her too so I asked her what's on her mind and she said dépression thoughts and she needed to ask me a question but it's weird and I said sure you can tell me anything and she asked me what hs love and what is the difference between platonic love and romantic and at that point I was freaking out more and I tried my best to answer her question and little sidenote: it's not the first time she asks me questions like that, but I am starting to think she may like me and she also asked me in the last if I mind being in a platonic couple with her and she said when I was at a sleepover that she would probably hug me in her sleep and that made me really uncomfortable at the time and she also asked me or said a bunch if stuff about my sexyality or if I was a bottom top or switch (which I don't know, OUBVIOUSLY) and about what friendship and love meant and it's nkt the first time she randomly "cuddle" so an alarm kinda went off in my mind and I said the stupidest thing I ever said in my life:) I asked her a stupid question: Cab I ask tou a question that you may not like and she said yeah and I said but you don't have to answer and she was like what us it and I asked her What is the reason tou asked that? And she looked so panicked and she splurged out (she loves sherlock holmes) it's becahse I saw a tiktok about John and Sherlock and I wa Ted to confirm the John lock ship and of course I went along with it and she seemed really relieved I went along but I din't hnderstand what went through my mind there at the moment cause what the shrek was J doing with asking that question

She has a lot of depression thoughts and one of the lowest self-esteem I have ever seen and I know that IF she likes me and IF Big IFs here she tells me it one day if J tell her I don't have those feelings and if I'm dumb enough to blurt out I like someone else she may do something.

This is probably the worst tike to say this but I mentioned I liked someone else earlier and well that someone else is Best friend 2

Well that's said can't go back now 

Also I tried to tell her when she mentioned her depression thoughts that maybe she coukd seek help with ended in an abrupt no and I added that she can ask for help online (she told me the thing she hates is having to talk about it to someone she doesn't know) and I told her people online cannot judge her and are actually helpful a lot and it doesn't require to open up infront of someone and she can take the time she needs and she still said no but less harshly so I guess that's an improvement 

I just feel so bad cause when she was hugging me I felt really distressed and kinda wanted Best friend 2 to see I was uncomfortable but jeez Best friend 1 was sad and depressed and I just thought of my little person like what kind of friend does that 

I really feel like à bad friend because I don't know how to help her with her depression thoughts and I don't seem to like her as much as she likes me and that is just unfair for her 

I'm really sorry for saying this in a haste you don't need tk reply immediately I have a 3 day long break and I know I always reply late to tou but finding the right words takes time for me because I want to express myself correctly which is something J never do when I speak I hope that's okay 

Sorry for typing mistakes 

 

On 1/27/2024 at 12:10 AM, Flooo said:

Hi

I don't know if the message I wrote while panicking appeared, because it says it's hidden-but if it's not then I wanted to apologize

I am really sorry for the haste I was in and the panicked way I was typing, it's just that I was well panicked And my thoughts were flowing in my mind and it isn't well what I usually say and I'm sorry for causing even more things 

If it is hidden then you don't have to read this text, it's a bit more fine now

I know I still haven't answered but I will in the next days I just need to find the time, turned put my weekend is gonna be like a roller coaster 

Hi Flooo, I thought I would reply to both these messages together. I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to get back to you. As you know I'm not online every day.

Please don't apologies for sending the first message. It sounded like you really needed to get that off your chest and that's what we're here for! You can talk to us about anything and you can just write what pops into your mind at the time! That's no problem at ll. If you would prefer to hide the message, that's absolutely fine, too. Whatever you feel more comfortable with. By the way, we also have a Blog section, where you can write a blog if that's something you would like to do. Some members use this to write down some of their thoughts without really expecting a reply.

I did get the impression that there are a few things that you mentioned in your message that you would like to talk about. Is that right?   It sounds like it was a really eventful day and I'm sorry your first skiing trip wasn't more enjoyable. I can remember the first time I went skiing with my friends.... Everyone was really good at it  - and I was a total beginner. In the end this random woman felt sorry for me and asked me if I needed help. She then took me between her legs, like a little kid, and helped me down the slope like that. I felt sooooo embarrassed but grateful at the same time that she had come to my rescue! 

From everything you have been telling me it does sound like Bestfriend 1 might like you more than just a platonic friend and you're a really thoughtful and caring person to worry about her feelings like that. Unfortunately we can't choose who we like/don't like in that way - it just happens. So please don't feel bad for not liking your friend in the same way. My advice would be to be a bit more boundaried with her. You mentioned that you didn't feel comfortable with her putting her head on your shoulder, playing with your hair and hugging her. Maybe next time you can tell her in a gentle way that you're not really a 'huggy' type person. It's important that you let people know what you do and don't feel comfortable with. I know it can feel really difficult to do at first but it does get easier, the more you practice it. You might find this article helpful https://www.ditchthelabel.org/how-to-get-better-at-saying-no  By being more boundaried with her, this will then show her that you only want to be friends, without having to talk to her about it. What do you think? 

I also wanted to reassure you that your question about why she said that wasn't stupid at all. I can imagine that all of this was probably a bit unnerving for you and it's absolutely OK for you to ask her why she was saying those things. It sounds to me like you did it in a very gentle way and you told her that she doesn't have to answer you if she doesn't want to. And please don't feel like a bad friend. You're already doing so much for your friend, you're always there for them and you're very thoughtful and caring. You're a great friend to have! 

Thanks so much for sharing with me that you like Best friend 2. How did it feel to say it out loud (or write it I should say)? Have you told anyone else yet? Do you think she might like you back? 

I'm going to reply to your other message now. I thought I would reply in a separate message in case you decide to hide these messages. I hope that's Ok with you. 

[Aurora]

11 hours ago, Flooo said:

Hi!

I'm again sorry for that last text. I didn't really think twice... so this is actually in link with with what you wrote to me

Thank you again, you are really nice. I promise I'm gonna try to trust myself more.

She truly is a lovely friend, and she always helps me in every situation. She always says the right things and she comforts me a lot. I kinda feel like I don't deserve being her friend

I'll probably talk to Best friend 1 soon about the situation. And I will mention to her the things that make me uncomfortable as well. I just need to tell myself it isn't selfish. I'm gonna repeat that. I just feel like I'm pointing everything wrong about her and she says nothing about my behaviors. But again if I'm pointing something it's because it hurts my feelings and my feelings matter. I'm going to try to tell myself that with confidence. There is something I'm not sure though, it's about how she will take it. Last year, she used to make weird jokes on my twin which led to her have less self confidence about her intelligence, and she used to twist our arms or pinch us. But it's okay, because she didn't know what she was doing. She grew up being isolated and we were her first friends. My twin didn't take it well and eventually she broke our friendship. She approached me a few months after and it was clear she had changed, so I forgave her, and my twin eventually. But she beat up herself so much because of what she had done, she went in a depression and she hated herself and she still does. I know she would be open to working on her issues because that's what she did last year, but I don't know what will the consequences on her mental health or self image, and if it affects her greatly, I don't want to be the cause of it.

My friend is 13 tear old as well, and she turns 14 a month before me (so in July) She once told me she thought about getting help when she turns 14 so they don't call her parents. When she does, I'll be there to remind her tht if she wants support, it will stay confidential now.

*Update: she just told me in text that she wanted to talk to the school's psychologist next year, and that's great!

Thanks Usually when I'm outside I either take walks (our backyard has a little forest) or I climb trees. I like climbing trees too! It's nice to see beyond every rooftop and watch the sunset. I don't know why I overshare, but I am really scared of heights, and trees are the only high place I can be peaceful in the air.

It truly is a big step for me to choose a movie. I think I could tell myself that every one can have a turn to put the things they like, and of people don't like it, it's okay, a lot of times someone put a movie that wasn't in my favorite genre and it ended up being really good, so why would it be different with my movies? Little sidenote: I like the same type of movies as my dad and my brother, so I won't really disappoint with my choices. 

I think I kind of worry a bit for nothing, sometimes haha

I know I don't make a lot of progress, and I'm really sorry if you feel like your time is wasting because I never advance 

I went outside yesterday, and it wad really fun and peaceful. I love winger because there s snow everywhere and it was really fun to play in the snow. I really enjoyed it, I'll definitely go outside more.

Have a good day

Hello again, 

Thanks so much for your reply. I wanted to start off by saying, please don't feel like you are wasting out time. It is not about how much progress you make - I want this to be a safe space for you where you feel supported and you can talk to us about anything that's on your mind. Please know that we are here for you and we are here to listen. By the way, I can't remember if I have mentioned this already but if you ever want to talk about anything more privately then you can also send us a confidential support request. Just click on the confidential support tab at the top of the page, next to blogs and one of us support mentors will get back to you. 

Having said all of this, I think you've already made lots of progress!! Sometimes this can be really hard to see and we're often our own worst critic. I could just list all of the things I've noticed but I find that it's often more helpful if we try and notice those things ourselves. Looking back to when you first wrote to us, what are some of the things that you've done that you are proud of or that you think went well? Anything that you think you've achieved since then? It doesn't have to be anything big. We often start with small steps and small steps mean a lot 

You mentioned lots of things that you've done in your last message and I really do think you have lots to be proud of  So interesting what you said about being afraid of heights but that being in a tree is the only place you can be peaceful in when you're in the air. It's exactly the same for me - but I had never made that connection until you just mentioned it. It's like I don't even think about being afraid of heights when I climb a tree. I wonder why that is? And how lovely that you have lots of snow around you. Winters with lots of snow are just the best! There is something really beautiful and as you said, peaceful about snow! 

I can understand why you are reluctant to talk to your friend, after what happened before. As you said though your feelings matter and it is important that you take care of yourself, too. If you keep putting up with things that make you uncomfortable it might get to that point where it all gets too much and then it might turn into a much bigger thing. What do you think? I get the impression that you are very mindful of other people's feelings when you speak to them and that you will be able to explain things to your friend in a gentle way. However, if you would like any tips/ideas on what might help to get your points across without your friend getting upset or defensive let me know and I am happy to share those with you. 

I'm really glad to hear that your friend is going to talk to your school's psychologist once she turns 14. As you said, maybe you can remind her again just before. Sometimes, when we feel a bit nervous about something we tend to put it off and it can help if we have someone there supporting us with our decision. 

I hope you have a great day, too. 

 

 

[Flooo]

Hi Aurora! Thanks for answering 

I'm sorry to have made you wait 8 days. I know this doesn't excuse, but I was really busy (I know it's overhsare, but I'm not exaggerating, the only time of the day I have that isn't spend on school and studying is the bus ride. So I'm always writing in the bus) I'm sorry to overshare a lot

This part of the message will be in link with what you wrote in you first message:

I really needed to get that off my chest. The blog seems interesting, I think I'll write there from time to time.

Thanks for sharing your story, I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one who wasn't the best...

I think I'm going to be more boundaried with her. The next time, I will tell her that I'm not a huggy person. Thanks for the article, it really helped. Setting boundaries also seem like a right thing to do. I don't have the courage to really talk her about it, so boundaries seems nice

I's true that it was unnerving ...  I don't really see me as a good friend, or person, but I'm happy someone thinks that ( I know this sounds selfish but it's nice to think someone thinks I'm nice)

It felt relieving to write it, to be honest. I haven't told anyone, and I know she doesn't like me back. I've already made some kind of peace with it

So, here is the part about the second message you wrote:

Thanks, if I need it, I know where to find it now

I totally agree that we are our hardest critics. I think no one criticise me more than I do haha

So, here is the lil list of things I think I improved in or did small steps:

-  Do some things that make me happy instead of others (I ate a pancake wothout asking if anyone wanted the pancake which ofte meads to me nkt having the pancake but this time I did! Even if I felt really selfish, there will be other pancakes they can eat, so it's fine if I eat this pancake)

- Feeling less guilty if I do something for myself 

- Do things I like doing (I go outside a lot more now, and it's nice! I also have a lot of stories in mind, and this weekend I'm going to (finally) finish a board on my character (Her name is Everly and she's my comfort character and I won't go deep in that subject or else I'll never stop talking about it)

- I know this is something I didn't share here, but it let me to eventually feel proud of my accomplishments. I got a price two days ago that said that said I won the category ambition, and it was nice because it's the first time I got acknowledged because of stuff I do and not because of my grades (Me and someone else are both top of the class, and my value was until then my grades) and I received a gold medal because of my murder mystery text in French class, and it's going to be in a recueil! I acknowledged my achievements and told myself I deserved it. It was nice 

- I am less scared to change my schedule (I know I didn't really talk about that here) Every day I plan everything I want to do and every homework and when I'm free and I review my plan. In the weekend, if I don't have a plan I don't feel controlled and that I have a good day. But I had an amazing conversation about politics in foreign countries which led to being an hour late on my study plan, but I accepted it!

- I do realistic estimation of times. Again, I know it's not in the subject, but it's one of the things I found. So, I am really good at maths, and I had a math exam this week, and I do every day before the exam an exam that I created with the homework we had. And it took me 30 minuted to max 40, so instead of waking up at 5, I woke up at 5h20, so I slept 6h and 30 minutes instead! 

Thanks again                                             I wonder that too... if I find some explanation I will, or else it will stay a mystery...

I know this is completely random but I was walking in a forest and there was a tree that the trunk was like a 1m50 large and I hugged it because it was huge!

Yes! Winter is the best season 

I think you are right, but I just can't see how it's right for me. In my head it doesn't make sense that I would acknowledge what I really want/feel instead of others when it comes to doing things. I know it's right, so I guess it's something to change. I jut don't know how.. 

I don't know if I'm really mindful for a specific reason. It's something that I'm really ashamed of, and it's my resolution to try to stop doing it. So, whenever I get in an argument (my only arguments are with my family but mostly my mom and twin) well I get lost in the argument and I say really hurtful things. I apear judgy and superior, mostly because I always go into defense mode and I find myself unconsciously appearing what I am not on the inside during the argument (for example when I appear superior it's mostly when I'm unconfident in the argument). I don't know why my way of controlling my emotions doesn't work with my family and twin. But only when I just slightly back away from the argument that the guilt hit me and I realize how awful I was. I just don't want to keep hurting my family. They don't deserve to be treated like that, and I'm trying to stop being so caught up in the argument so I won't hurt anybody. But it's easier said than done, and I know it's not something I can change in a blink of an eye, but I wish it was. I just don't understand why my controlled calm person and how I weight each word I say with other people vanish so quickly with my family and I say really mean things. I am tired of being mean. So, that's why I don't think I am mindful. I am sorry if that's an overshare 

I am mindful with others, though, and with other people I am really open, calm, and put myself in their place during heavy conversations. And I know that in the situation and in arguments in general with Best friend 1, she is the one who gets defensive. (For example, if she looks sad I'll ask her if she's okay and she'll lash out and say that she isn't sad and why do people assume she's upset and I'll apologize and find myself annoying)

I would like to have tips, if you want to of course, because I really don't know how to react if she goes defensive. I also think those tips could also help me not hurt people, so if you want to, I'll be glad to hear any of your tips.

(I just can't help but feel like such a horrible person because I'm so mean to my family. I don't even understand why and it's unfair because toward everyone I'm nice but toward them I'm the rudest person on earth. And they don't deserve to be talked to like that and I don't want to hurt them but I do anyway so what's a good will that vanishes in an instant against concrete mean words?)

(Also I apear really selfless and nice here but really I'm selfish and I am not nice and sometimes I don't like helping others and that's not what someone nice and selfless would do)

Have a great Friday!

[Aurora]

On 2/9/2024 at 1:07 PM, Flooo said:

Hi Aurora! Thanks for answering 

I'm sorry to have made you wait 8 days. I know this doesn't excuse, but I was really busy (I know it's overhsare, but I'm not exaggerating, the only time of the day I have that isn't spend on school and studying is the bus ride. So I'm always writing in the bus) I'm sorry to overshare a lot

This part of the message will be in link with what you wrote in you first message:

I really needed to get that off my chest. The blog seems interesting, I think I'll write there from time to time.

Thanks for sharing your story, I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one who wasn't the best...

I think I'm going to be more boundaried with her. The next time, I will tell her that I'm not a huggy person. Thanks for the article, it really helped. Setting boundaries also seem like a right thing to do. I don't have the courage to really talk her about it, so boundaries seems nice

I's true that it was unnerving ...  I don't really see me as a good friend, or person, but I'm happy someone thinks that ( I know this sounds selfish but it's nice to think someone thinks I'm nice)

It felt relieving to write it, to be honest. I haven't told anyone, and I know she doesn't like me back. I've already made some kind of peace with it

So, here is the part about the second message you wrote:

Thanks, if I need it, I know where to find it now

I totally agree that we are our hardest critics. I think no one criticise me more than I do haha

So, here is the lil list of things I think I improved in or did small steps:

-  Do some things that make me happy instead of others (I ate a pancake wothout asking if anyone wanted the pancake which ofte meads to me nkt having the pancake but this time I did! Even if I felt really selfish, there will be other pancakes they can eat, so it's fine if I eat this pancake)

- Feeling less guilty if I do something for myself 

- Do things I like doing (I go outside a lot more now, and it's nice! I also have a lot of stories in mind, and this weekend I'm going to (finally) finish a board on my character (Her name is Everly and she's my comfort character and I won't go deep in that subject or else I'll never stop talking about it)

- I know this is something I didn't share here, but it let me to eventually feel proud of my accomplishments. I got a price two days ago that said that said I won the category ambition, and it was nice because it's the first time I got acknowledged because of stuff I do and not because of my grades (Me and someone else are both top of the class, and my value was until then my grades) and I received a gold medal because of my murder mystery text in French class, and it's going to be in a recueil! I acknowledged my achievements and told myself I deserved it. It was nice 

- I am less scared to change my schedule (I know I didn't really talk about that here) Every day I plan everything I want to do and every homework and when I'm free and I review my plan. In the weekend, if I don't have a plan I don't feel controlled and that I have a good day. But I had an amazing conversation about politics in foreign countries which led to being an hour late on my study plan, but I accepted it!

- I do realistic estimation of times. Again, I know it's not in the subject, but it's one of the things I found. So, I am really good at maths, and I had a math exam this week, and I do every day before the exam an exam that I created with the homework we had. And it took me 30 minuted to max 40, so instead of waking up at 5, I woke up at 5h20, so I slept 6h and 30 minutes instead! 

Thanks again                                             I wonder that too... if I find some explanation I will, or else it will stay a mystery...

I know this is completely random but I was walking in a forest and there was a tree that the trunk was like a 1m50 large and I hugged it because it was huge!

Yes! Winter is the best season 

I think you are right, but I just can't see how it's right for me. In my head it doesn't make sense that I would acknowledge what I really want/feel instead of others when it comes to doing things. I know it's right, so I guess it's something to change. I jut don't know how.. 

I don't know if I'm really mindful for a specific reason. It's something that I'm really ashamed of, and it's my resolution to try to stop doing it. So, whenever I get in an argument (my only arguments are with my family but mostly my mom and twin) well I get lost in the argument and I say really hurtful things. I apear judgy and superior, mostly because I always go into defense mode and I find myself unconsciously appearing what I am not on the inside during the argument (for example when I appear superior it's mostly when I'm unconfident in the argument). I don't know why my way of controlling my emotions doesn't work with my family and twin. But only when I just slightly back away from the argument that the guilt hit me and I realize how awful I was. I just don't want to keep hurting my family. They don't deserve to be treated like that, and I'm trying to stop being so caught up in the argument so I won't hurt anybody. But it's easier said than done, and I know it's not something I can change in a blink of an eye, but I wish it was. I just don't understand why my controlled calm person and how I weight each word I say with other people vanish so quickly with my family and I say really mean things. I am tired of being mean. So, that's why I don't think I am mindful. I am sorry if that's an overshare 

I am mindful with others, though, and with other people I am really open, calm, and put myself in their place during heavy conversations. And I know that in the situation and in arguments in general with Best friend 1, she is the one who gets defensive. (For example, if she looks sad I'll ask her if she's okay and she'll lash out and say that she isn't sad and why do people assume she's upset and I'll apologize and find myself annoying)

I would like to have tips, if you want to of course, because I really don't know how to react if she goes defensive. I also think those tips could also help me not hurt people, so if you want to, I'll be glad to hear any of your tips.

(I just can't help but feel like such a horrible person because I'm so mean to my family. I don't even understand why and it's unfair because toward everyone I'm nice but toward them I'm the rudest person on earth. And they don't deserve to be talked to like that and I don't want to hurt them but I do anyway so what's a good will that vanishes in an instant against concrete mean words?)

(Also I apear really selfless and nice here but really I'm selfish and I am not nice and sometimes I don't like helping others and that's not what someone nice and selfless would do)

Have a great Friday!

Hi @Flooo,

Lovely to hear from you and no need to apologies. This is your space and you can write whenever suits you best. There is no pressure at all for you to reply straight away. As you know, I'm not online ever day and therefore it's taken me a few days to get back to you as well. I hope you don't mind. 

I wanted to start off by saying a huge big WOW - look at all those things you've been working on and where you can already see some big changes. That is amazing and I think you should be incredible proud of yourself. I won't list them all again but it's so lovely to hear that you have been thinking about your own happiness more and that you have been feeling less guilty when you do things for yourself rather than for others. And it's lovely that some of your other qualities have been acknowledged at school. I'm also so impressed that you feel less scared to change your schedule and just let things happen. Having a tight schedule and sticking to it can make us feel more in control and can sometimes help us to feel less anxious about things but like you said, at the same time we might miss out on fun experiences and interactions and it sounds like you are opening yourself up to that more, which is great. 

Thanks for being so honest about how things are with your family and how you feel like you get defensive very easily and don't always handle arguments the way you would like to. I can reassure you that most of us are very different around our family and say and do things we wouldn't say to a friend. There can be a variety of reasons for that. For example we might have huge arguments with our family, because this is where we feel safe and a lot of anger that has been building up around other stuff comes out at home and gets directed at family members instead. Or there might be a lot of competition going on or we might feel like we are being judged and this can also lead to arguments. Also, sometimes there might unresolved things from the past that keep triggering us. From everything you have told me, I'm wondering whether you might just need a bit of space and to be able to take a step back, when you notice that an argument is about to start. What do you think? Can I ask, what are the signs that tell you that you are about to get into an argument with one of your family members? 

You also mentioned that you are still thinking about talking to your friend and that you would like some tips. Here are some suggestions:

 

- You could try to use 'I' statements instead of 'You' statements. By this, I mean that you could say things like 'I feel uncomfortable when you say things like that' and then explain the things that make you feel uncomfortable. Like this your friend is less likely to feel like you are directly criticising them

- It can also help to focus on why you are bringing this up and how this can help your friendship in the future. For example you could say something like 'I am bringing this up because I really value your friendship and I want us to stay close friends' 

-  Also, as I mentioned before, if you do feel yourself getting annoyed during the conversation see if you can have a little break. You could say something like 'I can notice that I am getting a bit emotional - do you mind if I just take a minute to collect my thoughts'

How does that all sound? You might also find this guide helpful  https://www.ditchthelabel.org/speak-anyone-anything-conflict-resolution

Let me know what you think  and if you would like to talk about it some more before you speak to your friend. 

Have a lovely day

 

 

 

 

 

[Flooo]

Hi Aurora! Thanks for the message 

I totally don't mind, take your time too and have some days off too

Thanks haha, it's really nice to hear (well technically read but you know what I mean) 

I kinda felt like I was the only one doing this, so I guess it's kind of comforting haha.. I kind of want to say that all of those reasons are in my situation? I have a lot of things that are triggering about the past and I have a deep fear of being judged because one of my main unconscious goal in my opinion is to be perfect (this is just something I think I noticed about myself). This doesn't excuse anything, but maybe I can understand a bit better. I definitely need to take a step back. So, most of the signs that I think tell I'm going in an argument is mostly when those factors happen: (it's not really factors, it's more recurring situations, if that doesn't help I'm sorry)

- I do something that's not that important but my twin seems greatly hurt 

- she looks really hurt and ask me why I did that 

- I feel bad and I go all defensive and then it starts 

Or, she does something that irritates me and I tell her (I swear I tell her like that) gently if she can not do it and then she goes on on how I always critique her and she does nothing wrong and I care about my little person instead if her and then I go defensive, I hurt her, she cries and goes to my parents and they listen to her and then I'm really angry and I keep interrupting her to make comments to clarify things that make me look like a monster (but this I'm going to be honest I never deny the things I really sajd) and then I am expulsed from the rooms and I look back at my behavior and feel like the most horrible being with all my comments because they are really hurtful

Also, my sister sees a therapist because she has some special condition (both my brother and my sister have special conditions) and that means that basically she wants her day to be perfect according to her toile (I don't know the word in English sorry) of vibes and I generally ruin it by (most commonly) talking about school. But I shouldn't take this personally (if the sky isn't blue, it can break her vibe so it's not that personnal) but I can't help but feel like I wasn't that much in the wrong sometimes 

But when her toile (sorry) is broken, she is going to jump while holding her head and then cry and throw things and that makes me feel super guilty because my parents look so tired and well it's my fault she's in that state

The arguments with my parents are more about they say something about me and they think I can't hear them (I am always in weird places in the house and they always think I am in my room which sometimes does that they start talking about this and that about me and I'm five meters away, just in the stairs) and then I'm irritated and they don't understand why I am and they call me Grinch or pessimist and that makes me feel angry and I say bad stuff and I go to my room

Or I am really stressed about school and exams that I am really irritated and my mom laughs a bit at me because I'm stressed but it's "not a big deal" and for me it is the mount everest and I'm irritated and say replies that are mean and how to my room

Well that went quite off subject 

I think I should take a step back mostly when I feel I'm being irritated. That's when I say hurtful stuff, and stepping back then can help because then everyone is calm and I can solve it instead of making it worse 

But really, the signs are mostly when I feel irritated, because there isn't an argument  before I feel that but after then it comes, so I'll try to take a step back when I start feeling like it.

Thanks for the convo tips, they are really helping. I think that if she says something that makes me uncomfortable or ask for help again, I am going to make a conversation using those tips and find a plan to work on it. These days she seems fine with her issues but the next time I'm going to talk to her. If nothing happens until she's fourteen then she can work on those with a therapist. Is that a good plan? You can give your opinion if you want to 

Thanks for the article, it's really helpful 

Some of my message might have been really off of the topic and I don't know if J'm going to erase it (if I do then this is nkt going to be here I guess)

There's also some things that aren't in the friendship situation but I kinda went to talk about it?

Alright I guess 

So, just being around other people make me feel so tired. Like, if someone talks to me and I've been in a social environment for a couple of minutes I'm going to feel so tired. If I talk with them for 2 minutes I'm not even sure I can stand it. I don't know what this means or if I'm overreacting or being very dramatic 

Also it's just something that's happened a lot in the last two years that even though it's no big deal, I think, irritates me. So, my friends and I like to talk in English because it's fun and also people don't really understand and we're a bunch of introverts who would be embarrassed if people just talked to us so it's really fine with us. But, other people, they randomly come up to us in class or breaks or projects and say: "We're not in English class, stop talking in English you're so annoying" and then my twin who's an extrovert often tells them "We're not even talking to you" and I sont know if that infuriates them more.. Also now sometimes the boys just throw like food at us and then when we look at them they mimick us and are like "Stop Looking at me" in an imitating childish way in English, or just our nicknames are Les Anglaises which doesn't even make sense and today my twin and another friend (I never talked about her here, she's super chill clam and funny) they were practicing their oral presentation and it was for English class so of course they were speaking in English and those 6 girls came up to them and told them to stop speaking English and that they were annoying and then a girl from my class who was always really nice to me went to my twin and friend and told them "Yeah it's true you're so annoying" and after a while my twin  heard the girls saying to the girl from my class "Omg how can you even stand them for a whole day" but I just don't understand how we affect them and also we talk to no one like literally no one except teachers because weirdly we have better relationships with the English, Geo, History, Math teachers and the Director

I mean maybe they don't like us because of the political reason (like protection of French cause we're the only province that speaks french) but English is also the national language and I don't even think they know the political issue so I don't think it's that 

 

This probably sounded like "I am not like other girls" or "I'm so smart I speak another language" but I swear I don't think like that I swear  

Well that message went a lot of way off 

I hope you have a great day!

[Flooo]

Assignment again!

Well, something with Best friend 1 happened tonight so I thought I might talk about it here. 

So basically I was doing Duolingo when she texted me and asked if she coukd say something personnal. I said sure, and she told me that she was kind of passed at my twin this week. I asked her why and she said that they don't really think alike and that she was doing friendly jokes but my twin didn't find them funny. Her jokes were mostly stealing my sister's stuff and finding it funny when she was panicking because she didn't find her schoolbook and there was 3 minutes left to the break. I understand hiw my sister felt bevajse I would've been angry top, but Best friend 1 did nkt seem to know that. She asked for solutions so Jntokd her maybe she and my twin could have a discussion about the things they both don't like and try to solve them. But, it was kind of a stupid idea becahse she doesn't like discussion, and she made jt clear in her response, so I tried to find other solutions but she didn't really want to do something about the situation, she more wanted to vent I think. But then, she said Can I say something that is funny? And I said Of course, but her funny thing is: " I'm kinda the one who made this friend group and now I'm the one who wants to leave the most" And it's just that she oftehs say stuff like" I want to leave" or "I hate this friendgroup haha" or "It's so ironic it's funny", but I don't really think it's funny. I kinda feel horrible because she is hinting hard that she wants to leave this friend group and she told me once that it was better if she left bevause she couldn't share me with the others, and I just felt guilty, because in some way it's my fault if she doesn't like her social life and I'm the only thing that's really making her stay and if she's unhappy then I want her to be happy but if happy means leaving then it's my fault if she leaves the group and that I cannot forgive. 

I am wondering if I should maybe talk to her? Because she seems to have issues at the same intensity as before. I mean, it was kjnd of bold of me to assume things were better too

But also, she mentioned she wasn't getting along well with my twin, and that just brings last year all over again. I don't remember if I mentioned it before, but we were ever first friends so it's normal if she acted like that. But, she used to say really mean stuff to my twin, make lists on who she wanted to hurt first between us (me and my twin) and her guy friend, she used to randomly twist our arms, etc. She clearly changed and now she's an amazing person (and she was before) but my twin didn't forgave her. Well, she forgave her, but not fully like me. And last year, we broke our friendship and went in separate ways for months before re-being friends. But I just don't want that to happen again. Also, my twin is harsh on Best friend 1 too, in my opinion, and sometimes she is a bit too much, and I understand how that can irritate her. But J just donxtbwant last year to happen again. I was kind of in the middle of this, because I needed to choose between my friend and my twin and that was not fun.

 

So yeah, I'm just wondering of after tonight I should make a conversation, or I should wait for a therapist to help her and in the meanwhile support her the best I can in ger issues? 

 

Sometimes I just feel horrible because all of this is my fault even my parent's money problems because I just exist and sometimes I think all my friend sthey have my twin to replace me and my parents shave two other kids so what's the matter really if I die

But sometimes I just don't feel guilty at all and I tell myself I should feel guilty and I'm horrible for not feeling gusty but I try hard and sometimes I feel horrible for not being guilty which js strangely satisfactory because then I think I am a "decent person" but sometimes I just totally don't and then call myself bad until I do to prove I am a good person and that doesn't make any sense and I explain it really bad

Also sorry for writing this, I don't know if it's necessary but it was about the situation jn my opinions it fits?

Also as I need to go watch a TV show with my family cause it's Friday so I can't recheck for typing mistakes and other things like that

Okay this is WAY out of context but I recently finished (like 4 days ago) a TV show that had 15 seasons and was kind kf my whole life and the only escape I had and I'm not even realizing it yet but ifnI really think about it I'm going to be so so sad so I've been pushing this at the back kf my mind and am currently watching old episodes that were my favorites but it just feels empty now , it was like a huge part of my life for only this year but it still feels long

I just wanted to share that because I have no one to really 

Have a great day!

Edited February 24 by Tokyo

[Luie]

Hii @Flooo, Luie here, Aurora is off till next week, so I wanted to check whether you'd like this space to just think our loud and vent or would you like suggestions and advice from my end? 

[Aurora]

On 2/24/2024 at 2:59 AM, Flooo said:

Assignment again!

Well, something with Best friend 1 happened tonight so I thought I might talk about it here. 

So basically I was doing Duolingo when she texted me and asked if she coukd say something personnal. I said sure, and she told me that she was kind of passed at my twin this week. I asked her why and she said that they don't really think alike and that she was doing friendly jokes but my twin didn't find them funny. Her jokes were mostly stealing my sister's stuff and finding it funny when she was panicking because she didn't find her schoolbook and there was 3 minutes left to the break. I understand hiw my sister felt bevajse I would've been angry top, but Best friend 1 did nkt seem to know that. She asked for solutions so Jntokd her maybe she and my twin could have a discussion about the things they both don't like and try to solve them. But, it was kind of a stupid idea becahse she doesn't like discussion, and she made jt clear in her response, so I tried to find other solutions but she didn't really want to do something about the situation, she more wanted to vent I think. But then, she said Can I say something that is funny? And I said Of course, but her funny thing is: " I'm kinda the one who made this friend group and now I'm the one who wants to leave the most" And it's just that she oftehs say stuff like" I want to leave" or "I hate this friendgroup haha" or "It's so ironic it's funny", but I don't really think it's funny. I kinda feel horrible because she is hinting hard that she wants to leave this friend group and she told me once that it was better if she left bevause she couldn't share me with the others, and I just felt guilty, because in some way it's my fault if she doesn't like her social life and I'm the only thing that's really making her stay and if she's unhappy then I want her to be happy but if happy means leaving then it's my fault if she leaves the group and that I cannot forgive. 

I am wondering if I should maybe talk to her? Because she seems to have issues at the same intensity as before. I mean, it was kjnd of bold of me to assume things were better too

But also, she mentioned she wasn't getting along well with my twin, and that just brings last year all over again. I don't remember if I mentioned it before, but we were ever first friends so it's normal if she acted like that. But, she used to say really mean stuff to my twin, make lists on who she wanted to hurt first between us (me and my twin) and her guy friend, she used to randomly twist our arms, etc. She clearly changed and now she's an amazing person (and she was before) but my twin didn't forgave her. Well, she forgave her, but not fully like me. And last year, we broke our friendship and went in separate ways for months before re-being friends. But I just don't want that to happen again. Also, my twin is harsh on Best friend 1 too, in my opinion, and sometimes she is a bit too much, and I understand how that can irritate her. But J just donxtbwant last year to happen again. I was kind of in the middle of this, because I needed to choose between my friend and my twin and that was not fun.

So yeah, I'm just wondering of after tonight I should make a conversation, or I should wait for a therapist to help her and in the meanwhile support her the best I can in ger issues? 

Sometimes I just feel horrible because all of this is my fault even my parent's money problems because I just exist and sometimes I think all my friend sthey have my twin to replace me and my parents shave two other kids so what's the matter really if I die

But sometimes I just don't feel guilty at all and I tell myself I should feel guilty and I'm horrible for not feeling gusty but I try hard and sometimes I feel horrible for not being guilty which js strangely satisfactory because then I think I am a "decent person" but sometimes I just totally don't and then call myself bad until I do to prove I am a good person and that doesn't make any sense and I explain it really bad

Also sorry for writing this, I don't know if it's necessary but it was about the situation jn my opinions it fits?

Also as I need to go watch a TV show with my family cause it's Friday so I can't recheck for typing mistakes and other things like that

Okay this is WAY out of context but I recently finished (like 4 days ago) a TV show that had 15 seasons and was kind kf my whole life and the only escape I had and I'm not even realizing it yet but ifnI really think about it I'm going to be so so sad so I've been pushing this at the back kf my mind and am currently watching old episodes that were my favorites but it just feels empty now , it was like a huge part of my life for only this year but it still feels long

I just wanted to share that because I have no one to really 

Have a great day!

Hi @Flooo.

Thanks so much for your messages. It's always lovely to hear from you. Before I comment on all the other things you wrote about I just wanted to check in with you and make sure you're OK. I noticed what you said about sometimes feeling guilty that you exist and that you were wondering if it mattered if you died. I might be reading too much into this and I get the impression that these are more general thoughts that you are having but I just wanted to check and make sure that you are feeling safe right now. It's fine to tell us if you're not feeling safe - the more we know, the better we can support you. 

As you know, we're not always online . Just in case you ever need it,  I wanted to share some safety information with you. If you ever feel like you are in crisis then please reach out to one of the crisis lines

UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)

USA - The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988 (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) https://988lifeline.org/

Canada - Crisis Services Canada (https://talksuicide.ca) - Call toll free for crisis support at 1.833.456.4566 for 24/7 support or text 45645 between 4p.m. - midnight ET

Also Kids Help Phone is available for free 24/7 across Canada. You can call 1-800-668 - 6868 or text CONNECT to 686868 to speak to a crisis responder

A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org - you can find the one for your country and call them if you are in crisis 

Remember, you can always call the emergency services or go to your local emergency department at the hospital for support

I know I haven't known you for very long yet but you strike me as a really thoughtful, special and caring person and even though it might not always feel like this there are lots of people around you who care about you a great deal. 

I'm going to have to log out now but I will reply to the rest of your message when I next log in. I just wanted to make sure you have this information in case you ever need it. We're here for you. 

 

[Flooo]

 

On 2/25/2024 at 7:19 AM, Luie said:

Hii @Flooo, Luie here, Aurora is off till next week, so I wanted to check whether you'd like this space to just think our loud and vent or would you like suggestions and advice from my end? 

Hi Luie! 

 

If you want to give advice you can, but really, I don't want to force you to. If you don't want to it's fine. Something happened yesterday that I wanted to share here, and if you want to give advice you can. I'm probably going to share what happened in a different message, I think. 

[Flooo]

Okay, so after an argument with my sister, a helpful conversation with her today and a sudden burst of inspiration I decided to try to achieve these goals for the next 3 months:

- Be boundaried about Personnal space and time with Bestfriend 1 (starting with something easier)

- Start doing more things in link with my passion 

- Start getting better at taking a step back in an argument

Achieving this might take time but I'm feeling hopeful about what might happen if I start doing things that make me happy so I'm going to try this. I actually think I'm goingto be happier since I want to improve my behavior, I want to be more bounderied (and I'm not selfish for it) and I want to get out of my routine and start doing things I like. In three months, I'm going to see how I have improved.

This is something random that's starting tomorrow because I feel like it and my mind said Why not?

This is more of a statement to oficialise it and so I really do it 

[Flooo]

I am going to have a conversation with Bestfrjend 1 about seeing a therapist. Recently her issues have increased to the point where she's upset and sad everyday just because other people are around. She also has a lot of ticks and I caught her doing somethings he shouldn't. She basically stabs her hand with her pencil until she can't anymore. I may be overreacting but I think that's self harm and seeing a therapist would be really helpful. I don't know how to approach her about it, but I'll find a way. I need to tell her We need to talk and then tell her why I think she should and how she woukd be happier and more free in her life. I will make a thorough plan and apply the tips you gave me, and also some of the article. Thank you very much for supporting me and helping me, you truly are a nice person. 

I am also going to inform myself if the school therapist tell the parents, because she might if she's sure her parents won't know.

Also, here is some message for you Aurora:

So, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did and told me. I might be weird right now, but it's really nice of you and you're a really nice person. Take all the rest you need to and you deserve some free time too! I also wanted to thank you for your kindness, because you've been really nice to me even if you don't know me and I cried when you said I was thoughtful and people cared about me because that's one of the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me so thank you.

Also, I know I message a lot in here, and I know that sometimes you have a lot to reply to and I talk about a lot of stuff so I think it can be overwhelming for you, so you don't have to reply to everything. Also I'm going to share only the really important things so I won't vent because then that creates a whole lot of messages and I don't want to overwhelm you with messages.

I hope you have a great day and week

[Aurora]

6 hours ago, Flooo said:

I am going to have a conversation with Bestfrjend 1 about seeing a therapist. Recently her issues have increased to the point where she's upset and sad everyday just because other people are around. She also has a lot of ticks and I caught her doing somethings he shouldn't. She basically stabs her hand with her pencil until she can't anymore. I may be overreacting but I think that's self harm and seeing a therapist would be really helpful. I don't know how to approach her about it, but I'll find a way. I need to tell her We need to talk and then tell her why I think she should and how she woukd be happier and more free in her life. I will make a thorough plan and apply the tips you gave me, and also some of the article. Thank you very much for supporting me and helping me, you truly are a nice person. 

I am also going to inform myself if the school therapist tell the parents, because she might if she's sure her parents won't know.

Also, here is some message for you Aurora:

So, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did and told me. I might be weird right now, but it's really nice of you and you're a really nice person. Take all the rest you need to and you deserve some free time too! I also wanted to thank you for your kindness, because you've been really nice to me even if you don't know me and I cried when you said I was thoughtful and people cared about me because that's one of the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me so thank you.

Also, I know I message a lot in here, and I know that sometimes you have a lot to reply to and I talk about a lot of stuff so I think it can be overwhelming for you, so you don't have to reply to everything. Also I'm going to share only the really important things so I won't vent because then that creates a whole lot of messages and I don't want to overwhelm you with messages.

I hope you have a great day and week

Hi @Flooo,

Thank you so, so much for your lovely message  - it highlights what a kind, thoughtful and caring person you are 

Please don't apologies for messaging a lot. That's what we are here for. Please don't feel that you can only share the important things here - you are more than welcome to come here and vent as well. If you would prefer to keep this separate you could also think about starting a Blog here https://forums.ditchthelabel.org/blogs/ or you could talk about your day/night here https://forums.ditchthelabel.org/forum/18-my-daymy-night/ and keep writing about the things you would like advice or support with on this thread. Please don't feel you have to. This is just a thought.

I think both ideas a really good: the one about talking to Bestfriend1 about seeing a therapist and also about speaking to your school counsellor to find out about confidentiality and if they would have to speak to your friends parents or not. From everything you've been telling me it does sound like your friend is self harming and that she is feeling pretty low at the moment. I think you're absolutely right, it does sound like she could do with some support around her mental health right now. You mentioned that you are worried about how to approach it with her. I just wanted to reassure you that I can tell from the way you describe everything here how thoughtful and sensitive you are. It sounds like Bestfriend1 really trusts you and I'm sure you will find a way to talk to your friend. Even if she doesn't agree with what you say, I would imagine that she will appreciate you bringing this up with her and that she will know that you care. One of the things I find can be helpful in these situations is to remind the other person that we're usually pretty good at getting help if it's a physical thing. Say eg we have a really bad stomach pain and it doesn't go away, we'll make sure that we get an appointment to see a doctor. It shouldn't be any different with our mental health.  Our physical and our mental health are connected and we need to look after both. Our mental health is something that will go up and down throughout our life and if we're struggling with our mental health than it's OK to reach out and to get the help we need right now. Do you think it might be helpful to remind your friend of this? Again, this is just a thought - you know your friend best and you'll know what to say 

 

 

[Aurora]

7 hours ago, Flooo said:

Okay, so after an argument with my sister, a helpful conversation with her today and a sudden burst of inspiration I decided to try to achieve these goals for the next 3 months:

- Be boundaried about Personnal space and time with Bestfriend 1 (starting with something easier)

- Start doing more things in link with my passion 

- Start getting better at taking a step back in an argument

Achieving this might take time but I'm feeling hopeful about what might happen if I start doing things that make me happy so I'm going to try this. I actually think I'm goingto be happier since I want to improve my behavior, I want to be more bounderied (and I'm not selfish for it) and I want to get out of my routine and start doing things I like. In three months, I'm going to see how I have improved.

This is something random that's starting tomorrow because I feel like it and my mind said Why not?

This is more of a statement to oficialise it and so I really do it 

This is brilliant!! Three really good goals to have (and yes, you are NOT selfish for wanting to be more boundaried - quite the opposite). Go you !!

It's great as well how you recognise that this will take time. Often when we set goals we're really motivated to begin with and then if we don't manage to run with it we get demotivated and give up. That's why it's great that you've acknowledge that we can't just change things straight away. We often want to change things that we've been doing for a very long time and it's therefore going to take time until we get used to doing things differently. 

Do you have a plan how to tackle all three things? I find it can help to break it down into small steps. If you like we can think about this together. No pressure though. 

I'm aware that I still haven't properly answered your message from last week. You mentioned quite a few things there that were on your mind. From everything you mentioned is there something in particular you would like to talk about? 

[Flooo]

Hi Aurora! How are you?

I know it's been a while but I was really busy with term exams and stuff like that

So, this will be in link with the first message:

Thanks again haha

That's a nice suggestion, maybe I'll check in out futurely (if that's a word) 

I think that would be a really good thing to say to my friend. Thank you for this idea, and it helps with how I am going to tell her this. I am preparing a plan because I feel like a heavy conversation like this should be planned because I don't want to rush in unprepared and not having good things to say to try to make her realize that she probably needs help. I am also a bit training to remain calm and understanding if she is angry. The only times we really see each other are at school, and even then all our breaks are on homework, and currently we have a break of one week. I was wondering if it was better to text her what I wanted to say, because we don't have time in the week and my parents don't want me to go to her house, and she has time to think and reflect on it throughout the week and decide if she wants to see the therapist when we go back to school. But, I totally understand that face to face makes the message clearer and will probably make her realize more. If you want to give your opinion, I would appreciate it (I hope this doesn't sound rude) Also, I have to cowardly admit that a face to face conversation stresses me, but it's not about me, it's about Best friend 1, and if a face to face is best than that's how it's going to be.

This will be in link to the second message:

Thanks  

Thanks, that's encouraging thank you 

I kinda have a plan in my mind, and I basically instored a day in the week when I'll learn content about my passion. Also I've been watching more content about it. My plan was to watch a bit more about it, and then after a week or two make two days a week and when I go on social media I watch stuff from it (like I used to do) and then it would become more of a habit to daily learn about what I like and I'll be living my passion like I used to. This plan is a lot sketchy but for so far it works (I also bought a book about it and it's sooo interesting)

Also this is just something that kinda happened, is that since I've been working on my own story, then I spend all my time working on it, so when I go into social media I don't feel the need to watch scenes or read stuff from books and TV shows I am obsessed about so I watch about my passion and I have more time for it. I don't know why but that happened...

Also for the boundary thing my plan to go with what I was confident with: I am not confident with saying No, I don't like that, so I decided to just move slightly or say things like I am not feeling like it's the right time, could we do this in an hour? And I am going to continue saying and doing those things until either the message has passed or I am confident enough to tell her No. I think it's better than not knowing what to do and feeling really uncomfortable. Even though this plan is also sketchy 

And, to take a step back, I tell myself Calm down, I take deep breath and I try to understand what the other person is feeling and how my actions irritated them. Generally, I'll be like OHhh this is why they are mad, and than I'll ask how can I not do this again nkt to upset you and then it's done. This is the plan I have memorized in my mind and I haven't really been in an argument but almost every day I tell myself that in case something happens and I tell myself If you do this, you'll feel super proud because no one is hurt and you're a better person, and it really motivates me to take a step back next time. That's the also sketchy but somehow working thing 

Yeah, I kinda went really off subject... sorry, I was really angry and mad that day and that showed... Really, the only thing I want to talk about really is how to take a step back. Right now I'm saying stuff to myself to calm down and understand the other, but I don't really know how to make it a habit or if it will even work long term. I don't even know it those are good strategies. I just want to learn how to take a step back really 

Okay, so, I'm sorry for adding extra work, but something quite important in my opinion happened with Best friend 1. And I really need to share it. I've been avoiding to think about it for the last days but I really need to talk about it. So, we went to the cinema for a school activity to celebrate the end of exams and the spring break, and Best friend 2, the Chill Friend and I went to see one movie, and my twin and Best friend 1 went to see the other movie. And, Best friend 1 told my sister that she thought she was annoying and overly positive and irritating  (Best friend 1 spammed me about why my sister was annoying and if it would affect out friendship and I was kinda relieved I didn't have to tell my sister, but "why is she telling her that???" was my honest reaction and I still think the same today) and she told my twin about what was the difference between Best friends and lovers and then she dropped the nuclear bomb I was scared would happen: She told my twin: I think I have feelings for your sister. 

And I am just really confused and tired and just really really unsettled by it. My twin told me right after the movie and I think the next 45 minutes that followed were one of the most awkward of my life (probably the most awkward) and I just don't know how I'm suppose to act around her now and I don't know how I'm supposed to talk to her or if I need to show signs of non-attraction or some other complicated things, and I don't know if I was, without knowing, dropping false hints or something and if so how I shouldn't or should I get more apart and I'm just really, really confused. I just want to state that I don't share the same feelings toward her and she's not my type and I don't think I'll ever like her more than in a friend way

 

I hope you have a great week and that you have fun in whatever you are doing right now 

Beluga 

Post note: So my autocorrect corrected Bye to Beluga and I like it so I'm keeping it

 

Note post message: I said "really" a lot of times, and here's how many times: 17 times 

[Aurora]

8 hours ago, Flooo said:

Hi Aurora! How are you?

I know it's been a while but I was really busy with term exams and stuff like that

So, this will be in link with the first message:

Thanks again haha

That's a nice suggestion, maybe I'll check in out futurely (if that's a word) 

I think that would be a really good thing to say to my friend. Thank you for this idea, and it helps with how I am going to tell her this. I am preparing a plan because I feel like a heavy conversation like this should be planned because I don't want to rush in unprepared and not having good things to say to try to make her realize that she probably needs help. I am also a bit training to remain calm and understanding if she is angry. The only times we really see each other are at school, and even then all our breaks are on homework, and currently we have a break of one week. I was wondering if it was better to text her what I wanted to say, because we don't have time in the week and my parents don't want me to go to her house, and she has time to think and reflect on it throughout the week and decide if she wants to see the therapist when we go back to school. But, I totally understand that face to face makes the message clearer and will probably make her realize more. If you want to give your opinion, I would appreciate it (I hope this doesn't sound rude) Also, I have to cowardly admit that a face to face conversation stresses me, but it's not about me, it's about Best friend 1, and if a face to face is best than that's how it's going to be.

This will be in link to the second message:

Thanks  

Thanks, that's encouraging thank you 

I kinda have a plan in my mind, and I basically instored a day in the week when I'll learn content about my passion. Also I've been watching more content about it. My plan was to watch a bit more about it, and then after a week or two make two days a week and when I go on social media I watch stuff from it (like I used to do) and then it would become more of a habit to daily learn about what I like and I'll be living my passion like I used to. This plan is a lot sketchy but for so far it works (I also bought a book about it and it's sooo interesting)

Also this is just something that kinda happened, is that since I've been working on my own story, then I spend all my time working on it, so when I go into social media I don't feel the need to watch scenes or read stuff from books and TV shows I am obsessed about so I watch about my passion and I have more time for it. I don't know why but that happened...

Also for the boundary thing my plan to go with what I was confident with: I am not confident with saying No, I don't like that, so I decided to just move slightly or say things like I am not feeling like it's the right time, could we do this in an hour? And I am going to continue saying and doing those things until either the message has passed or I am confident enough to tell her No. I think it's better than not knowing what to do and feeling really uncomfortable. Even though this plan is also sketchy 

And, to take a step back, I tell myself Calm down, I take deep breath and I try to understand what the other person is feeling and how my actions irritated them. Generally, I'll be like OHhh this is why they are mad, and than I'll ask how can I not do this again nkt to upset you and then it's done. This is the plan I have memorized in my mind and I haven't really been in an argument but almost every day I tell myself that in case something happens and I tell myself If you do this, you'll feel super proud because no one is hurt and you're a better person, and it really motivates me to take a step back next time. That's the also sketchy but somehow working thing 

Yeah, I kinda went really off subject... sorry, I was really angry and mad that day and that showed... Really, the only thing I want to talk about really is how to take a step back. Right now I'm saying stuff to myself to calm down and understand the other, but I don't really know how to make it a habit or if it will even work long term. I don't even know it those are good strategies. I just want to learn how to take a step back really 

Okay, so, I'm sorry for adding extra work, but something quite important in my opinion happened with Best friend 1. And I really need to share it. I've been avoiding to think about it for the last days but I really need to talk about it. So, we went to the cinema for a school activity to celebrate the end of exams and the spring break, and Best friend 2, the Chill Friend and I went to see one movie, and my twin and Best friend 1 went to see the other movie. And, Best friend 1 told my sister that she thought she was annoying and overly positive and irritating  (Best friend 1 spammed me about why my sister was annoying and if it would affect out friendship and I was kinda relieved I didn't have to tell my sister, but "why is she telling her that???" was my honest reaction and I still think the same today) and she told my twin about what was the difference between Best friends and lovers and then she dropped the nuclear bomb I was scared would happen: She told my twin: I think I have feelings for your sister. 

And I am just really confused and tired and just really really unsettled by it. My twin told me right after the movie and I think the next 45 minutes that followed were one of the most awkward of my life (probably the most awkward) and I just don't know how I'm suppose to act around her now and I don't know how I'm supposed to talk to her or if I need to show signs of non-attraction or some other complicated things, and I don't know if I was, without knowing, dropping false hints or something and if so how I shouldn't or should I get more apart and I'm just really, really confused. I just want to state that I don't share the same feelings toward her and she's not my type and I don't think I'll ever like her more than in a friend way

I hope you have a great week and that you have fun in whatever you are doing right now 

Beluga 

Post note: So my autocorrect corrected Bye to Beluga and I like it so I'm keeping it

Note post message: I said "really" a lot of times, and here's how many times: 17 times 

Hi @Flooo,

It's always lovely to hear from you. No need to apologise. This is your space - feel free to write whenever suits you best. There is no pressure from our side for you to reply straight away. 

Haha, I like Beluga, too. I'm glad you left it. I love whales and used to read a lot of books about them and watch documentaries on whales and dolphins  - this made me smile, as soon as I read it 

Wow, 17 times is not bad on the 'really' front . I have noticed that I say 'really' a lot, too

Your plans sound really good. I love that now that you have made some time to focus on your story again, you've just fallen back into it and you're naturally spending a lot of time on it. It does sound like you're really passionate about it. Can I ask, have you noticed a difference at all in your mood, now that you are spending more time on something you love doing? 

With regards to being more boundaried, it sounds like you have already broken this down into a small step to start with and that's great. I find small, achievable goals often feel less daunting and we're usually a lot more likely to achieve them. Once you've practiced delaying things you don't want to do and you feel comfortable doing so, you might notice that you feel ready to start saying no to small things. Maybe this could be your next step. What do you think? I think I have already sent you a link to our guide on how to get better at saying no. You can find it here https://www.ditchthelabel.org/how-to-get-better-at-saying-no Maybe you can have a ready through it and let me know what you think and if there are any tips there that you might want to try?

You've also come up with a great plan on how you can practice staying calm during an argument. It's great that you are reminding yourself every day, what to do, even before an argument has come up. Like you said, like this you're more likely to remember what you're planning on doing in those situations. One thing that you might also find helpful is to think about what your early warning signs are that you are getting really annoyed/upset with someone. Eg some people notice that their voice starts to shake, others notice that their hands go all sweaty or they might start to go red in the face etc. If you know what signs to look out for, t can help you to step away, before you get too upset. Does that make sense? 

Thanks for all your thoughts on Bestfriend 1. I actually think writing her a message sounds like a really good idea for lots of different reasons. You could explain in your message that you're writing to her rather than telling her face to face as you don't really get any time to talk about these kinds of things but if she would like to talk it through with your face to face, then you can find a way (if you're happy to). Like this she'll understand why you didn't bring it up with her face to face. She might prefer to hear what you have to say via text anyway - like this she can take the time she needs to process what you've said and then decide on what she'll do next. When we tell people something face to face they often feel like they have to make a decision straight away.  And you can take your time to really think about what you want to say to her and how you want to say it. What do you think?

It's really interesting that Bestfriend 1 told your twin that she thinks she has feelings for you. It's pretty likely that she knew that your twin would tell you. Would you agree? I totally get why this has made you feel really uncomfortable and that you now don't really know how to act around her. I'm guessing you don't want to talk to her about it, do you? Do you think it would be possible for your twin to mention to Bestfriend 1 that you really like her as a friend but that your twin doesn't think that you have feelings for her. Like that she'll know but you don't have to feel awkward about telling her this and it might be easier for her to hear it from someone else, rather than from yourself. How does that sound? You know your friend and your twin best do you'll probably have a good idea of whether this could work or not.

I hope you have a fun week, too and that you have time to keep working on your story! 

Beluga for now 

 

[Flooo]

Hi Aurora! Thanks for your  message  

Sorry it's been quite a few days, with travel and school and stuff, I didn't have a lot of time...

I like whales too! I just live animals in general. I know this is not topic related but one thing I really love are felines. I just live them, especially tigers, and I am reading right now a 50 year-long research about the possibility or remnants or machairodonte (don't know the word in english) in Africa and unknown African felines (it's cryptozoology so we don't know if there's truly unknown felines, ot's more based on sightings and the few datas that were collected throughout the years). I kinda want to become a conservationist or something to help save felines, maybe. I just live them since I'm very young and I really want to help them. 

Okay this was kinda off topic but I never really talked to it to anyone

I guess we both are in the really team

Yes, it's really nice to get back on it. I have noticed that I am more let's say proud? of myself becahse I'm doing something, and I am also more happy in general cause I know I'm going to work on it when I get home so it's a little something to do other than homework and that's a nice change. I can say I'm generally more in a happy mood. Also, since I'm also doing a book with Bestfriend 2, we talk a lot more to each other and it's nice because we're supposed to have a wedding scene in our book (my sister, Bestfriend 2, me and another friend from my childhood are working o it and we each have our characters) between my character and Bestfriend 2's character, so we're working a lot together and it's really nice, and it's also super super fun because we both have the same humor so we make a lot of jokes while doing it so I know that working on it means laughter and nice moments so I am generally more happy, I'd say.

I think it could be a great next step, because I am being more boundaried and so far it seems to kinda work. Saying no to small things is a nice next step because just saying no in general is huge in my opinion. That's a nice suggestion thank you.

I kinda want to try repeating it daily, because I think that saying no is a weird thing and this might help with making it normal. I also notice that I often sound uncertain, so I'll try to sound certain and stand tall and have eye contact. Saying no to small things also seems like a great idea.

So, when I'm about to get angry, I noticed that I clench my teeth, and my expression looks really serious, and I am just more "tense" in general. I'll try to look out for those next time, and yes, it makes a lot of sense. 

I actually sent her the message last Thursday. I said the example about the going to the doctor for stomach ache (if I remember well) and some other things to try to tell her that it woukd be a good thing for her. I don't know if she considered it since we did not talk about it this week, but she answered "Thanks for caring about me". I think this time she might consider it because usually she'll dismiss but she did not this time so I'm hopeful. 

To be honest, I totally don't know if she expected it. Best friend 1 can be really trusting sometimes which can sometimes cause her to feel betrayed by certain person in the past. So I don't know really.. I'm sorry for this vague answer 

Yes, I do not want to talk to her about it, because it's just way too uncomfortable. And she doesn't know I know, so she'll know my twin told me and she and my twins relationship will go from weird to atrocious, so I don't really want to

Actually before my twin got told the sentence, Bestfriend 1 asked her what she thought was the difference between platonic and romantic love, and because my twin had her suspicions, she gave Best friend 1 and "undocover boundary talk" (quoting her). Also, she asked my twin for tips, and I think that would be great if my twin told that I like her as a friend but not more, and the opportunity might happen if she asks my twin for tips. That's a great idea thank you

Okay so in this part you don't have to read because it's just me being selfish and venting:

Tomorrow I go to a big family reunion with what used to be nearly my bestfriends which are my cousins but now that my aunt got a new boyfriend we never see them and they have new "siblings" which are twins and that's really awkward because I think they think we're kinda lame and it's gonna be so so so crowded and I don't like crowds and it's gonna be so so loud and I don't like loud and the activity is eating and I hat eating cause I sometimes feel horrible when I'm eating for reasons but when I told my twin my reasons she thought it was ridiculous so I won't share and I need to talk to people that became strangers and I just wanted to be silent but my parents want me to socialize because they think I'm pathetic and retarded (that's what they said) and that's just really stressing me and I don't want to go but it's the onky time we see my aunt so I'll go and my parents love it so I owe it to them but I just really don't want to and it's so so stressing I don't want to go I just want to stay in my home with my cat and have a normal day I don't want to see people and eat

 

Okay so I repeat you don't have to read the last part it's just me being selfish and venting and that's not interesting 

Okay so have a great week and weekend

Need to go study (don't know why I'm saying this) Beluga for now!  

 

*for grammar mistakes because of my autocorrect I'm sorry I don't have the time to recheck*