Friendship situation about jealousy (I couldn't find a better title sorry)

[Aurora]

On 3/17/2024 at 11:44 PM, Flooo said:

Hi Aurora! Thanks for your  message  

Sorry it's been quite a few days, with travel and school and stuff, I didn't have a lot of time...

I like whales too! I just live animals in general. I know this is not topic related but one thing I really love are felines. I just live them, especially tigers, and I am reading right now a 50 year-long research about the possibility or remnants or machairodonte (don't know the word in english) in Africa and unknown African felines (it's cryptozoology so we don't know if there's truly unknown felines, ot's more based on sightings and the few datas that were collected throughout the years). I kinda want to become a conservationist or something to help save felines, maybe. I just live them since I'm very young and I really want to help them. 

Okay this was kinda off topic but I never really talked to it to anyone

I guess we both are in the really team

Yes, it's really nice to get back on it. I have noticed that I am more let's say proud? of myself becahse I'm doing something, and I am also more happy in general cause I know I'm going to work on it when I get home so it's a little something to do other than homework and that's a nice change. I can say I'm generally more in a happy mood. Also, since I'm also doing a book with Bestfriend 2, we talk a lot more to each other and it's nice because we're supposed to have a wedding scene in our book (my sister, Bestfriend 2, me and another friend from my childhood are working o it and we each have our characters) between my character and Bestfriend 2's character, so we're working a lot together and it's really nice, and it's also super super fun because we both have the same humor so we make a lot of jokes while doing it so I know that working on it means laughter and nice moments so I am generally more happy, I'd say.

I think it could be a great next step, because I am being more boundaried and so far it seems to kinda work. Saying no to small things is a nice next step because just saying no in general is huge in my opinion. That's a nice suggestion thank you.

I kinda want to try repeating it daily, because I think that saying no is a weird thing and this might help with making it normal. I also notice that I often sound uncertain, so I'll try to sound certain and stand tall and have eye contact. Saying no to small things also seems like a great idea.

So, when I'm about to get angry, I noticed that I clench my teeth, and my expression looks really serious, and I am just more "tense" in general. I'll try to look out for those next time, and yes, it makes a lot of sense. 

I actually sent her the message last Thursday. I said the example about the going to the doctor for stomach ache (if I remember well) and some other things to try to tell her that it woukd be a good thing for her. I don't know if she considered it since we did not talk about it this week, but she answered "Thanks for caring about me". I think this time she might consider it because usually she'll dismiss but she did not this time so I'm hopeful. 

To be honest, I totally don't know if she expected it. Best friend 1 can be really trusting sometimes which can sometimes cause her to feel betrayed by certain person in the past. So I don't know really.. I'm sorry for this vague answer 

Yes, I do not want to talk to her about it, because it's just way too uncomfortable. And she doesn't know I know, so she'll know my twin told me and she and my twins relationship will go from weird to atrocious, so I don't really want to

Actually before my twin got told the sentence, Bestfriend 1 asked her what she thought was the difference between platonic and romantic love, and because my twin had her suspicions, she gave Best friend 1 and "undocover boundary talk" (quoting her). Also, she asked my twin for tips, and I think that would be great if my twin told that I like her as a friend but not more, and the opportunity might happen if she asks my twin for tips. That's a great idea thank you

Okay so in this part you don't have to read because it's just me being selfish and venting:

Tomorrow I go to a big family reunion with what used to be nearly my bestfriends which are my cousins but now that my aunt got a new boyfriend we never see them and they have new "siblings" which are twins and that's really awkward because I think they think we're kinda lame and it's gonna be so so so crowded and I don't like crowds and it's gonna be so so loud and I don't like loud and the activity is eating and I hat eating cause I sometimes feel horrible when I'm eating for reasons but when I told my twin my reasons she thought it was ridiculous so I won't share and I need to talk to people that became strangers and I just wanted to be silent but my parents want me to socialize because they think I'm pathetic and retarded (that's what they said) and that's just really stressing me and I don't want to go but it's the onky time we see my aunt so I'll go and my parents love it so I owe it to them but I just really don't want to and it's so so stressing I don't want to go I just want to stay in my home with my cat and have a normal day I don't want to see people and eat

Okay so I repeat you don't have to read the last part it's just me being selfish and venting and that's not interesting 

Okay so have a great week and weekend

Need to go study (don't know why I'm saying this) Beluga for now!  

*for grammar mistakes because of my autocorrect I'm sorry I don't have the time to recheck*

Hi @Flooo,

lovely to hear from you. No worries, feel free to write whenever suits you best. There is no pressure at all for you to reply straight away. 

I thought I would start off by saying please don't apologies for venting and you are in no way being selfish at all!! The whole situation sounds very stressful. I can totally understand why you didn't want to go to the family reunion and I was surprised to hear what your parents said to you. I hope you don't mind me saying this but I thought that was really insensitive of them! I get the impression that they didn't take the time to try and understand why you were worried about the reunion. Is that fair to say? Do you mind me asking, how their comments make you feel? Were you able to talk to them about this? 

I also noticed that you said that you hate eating but when you told your sister the reasons for this she thought it was ridiculous. I'm sorry to hear that she wasn't being supportive. It sounds to me like you trusted her with something that was on your mind, something private, and she didn't take you seriously. I can imagine that must have hurt. If you do want to talk about it with someone, then please know that we are here for you and we are here to listen and support you.  This is a safe space and you can be completely open with us - there is no judgement here. Don't feel you have to talk about it though, only if you feel comfortable to. 

How did the family reunion go? Was there anything that helped you get through it all? I hope it was better than you were expecting it to be. I find that sometimes when I am really dreading something it turns out to be a lot better than I think. Probably because I go there with very low expectations and sometimes it ends up being nice than I thought it would be. 

Thanks so much for updating me on all the other stuff. It sounds like things are going really well. I'm so impressed how you are really working on your own happiness and wellbeing! Sounds like you are having a lot of fun with Best friend 2, working on your book together. It so nice that she shares your passion.

And it's good to hear that you are still working on becoming more comfortable to say no to things. I agree, saying no in general is huge and it can help to start off with small things such as saying no if someone offers you a sweet. Have you tried out repeating it daily? Are you starting to feel more comfortable, using the word 'no'?

It's great that you have noticed what happens in your body when you are starting to feel angry. Hopefully this will help you to identify more quickly when you are getting angry about something and you can then step away from the situation more easily. If you like you can let me know how it goes - no pressure though 

It sounds like you put a lot of thought into the message you sent best friend 1 around getting support for her mental health. I think it's a really good sign that she thanked you for caring about her. It shows that she understood what you were trying to tell her. Hopefully she will think about it and reach out for help when she needs it. 

I can understand why you don't want to talk to her about the feelings she has for you. Hopefully she will talk to your twin again and then your twin can tell her that you like her as a friend. Like you said, that would probably make it less awkward for everyone.

I hope you have a great week, too. 

Beluga  for now !

 

 

 

[Flooo]

Hi

I know it's been a while 

I wanted to apologize for never answering. I truly am sorry and I truly feel bad. 

A few days after this message, things started to go really bad with Bestfriend 1. She did something really bad to Best friend 2 and other things happened and I was too exhausted and stressed to really talk or bring it up. I'm really sorry for my silence, as you were trying to help me and I never answered. I'm really sorry. I was just really exhausted and I didn't have the strength to just log in. I'm really sorry. I know it sounds stupid. 

I understand if you don't want to respond to this message as I left you on read for months. I'm really sorry. But if you want to, I was wondering if you'd like to talk again?

I enjoyed our exchanges and I know I messed it up. But I just really need to talk to someone. I'm sorry for dumping this on you. I truly understand if you don't want to.

You were really kind so I wanted to thank you for it.

Again I'm really sorry for disappearing for months.

Beluga 

[Aurora]

15 hours ago, Flooo said:

Hi

I know it's been a while 

I wanted to apologize for never answering. I truly am sorry and I truly feel bad. 

A few days after this message, things started to go really bad with Bestfriend 1. She did something really bad to Best friend 2 and other things happened and I was too exhausted and stressed to really talk or bring it up. I'm really sorry for my silence, as you were trying to help me and I never answered. I'm really sorry. I was just really exhausted and I didn't have the strength to just log in. I'm really sorry. I know it sounds stupid. 

I understand if you don't want to respond to this message as I left you on read for months. I'm really sorry. But if you want to, I was wondering if you'd like to talk again?

I enjoyed our exchanges and I know I messed it up. But I just really need to talk to someone. I'm sorry for dumping this on you. I truly understand if you don't want to.

You were really kind so I wanted to thank you for it.

Again I'm really sorry for disappearing for months.

Beluga 

Hi @Flooo

It's so lovely to hear from you  No need to apologise at all and please don't feel bad about not answering sooner! I think I might have mentioned this to you before but this is your space and it's completely up to you how you want to use it. If there are times where you don't feel like writing, that's absolutely fine. There is no pressure at all for you to reply - just know that we are here for you whenever you do want to talk about something. And I absolutely do want to talk again . Is there anything in particular you would like to talk about? 

It sounds like you've had a really tough time with your friend and I am sorry to hear that. I hope things have settled down a little... 

Beluga 

[Flooo]

 

Hi!

Thank you for your response

I know this is kind of a brute start but there is something that I wanted to talk about. A few days ago, I was in a family vacation, and my twin and brother argued. My brother then apologized, but then my twin said something and he said something like "Wait you know that I self harm?" And both me and my twin didn't know that, so it was kind of something that shook us for a while? I knew my brother had some issues and was seeing a therapist, same for my twin, but I didn't know he was doing that.. I feel a bit guilty I never noticed..

I know I already dealt with something similar with Best friend 1, but it feels a bit different this time? Like, with bestfriend 1 she did it in front of people and needed someone to care for her? But my brother is really different. I think, in my family, after my dad, I'm the closest person to him? We share interest so conversation is easy, but he is really different from my sister. For example she's an ENFP and he's an ISTJ. They have very different point of views on subject and they argue a lot. They both kind of confide in me, so it's sometimes awkward, especially if they want their side to be chosen (I stay neutral though), but now I think that maybe after all those arguments he did something to himself? It kinda unsettled me..

With Best friend 1, I knew she had mental health issues, so I wasn't surprised, but it had been three years my brother was okay? I just didn't really expect that, I guess? 

I want to help him, but I don't really know what to do, for a couple of things. He doesn't want reassurance or someone to care for him like Best friend 1, because he told my twin and I that he did it to discipline himself. Also, my brother is autistic, and I don't really know if there is a way that can make him understand better? I don't know a lot because my parents and family never talk about it. I tried to write him a message, but I didn't really know what to tell him except don't, it's not worth it, which is obviously not the best thing to say.

He said he just pinches himself now but that he used to do worse stuff, and I'm concerned about the worse stuff. He mentioned a couple of times that he hated "bad things he did" when he was in secondary 2, and I just feel like I can't get the right message without context, but I know that I will probably never know what happened.

In my letter I tried to give my experience, because I used to kinda do it too when I felt like I hurt people and was a bad person, but I just feel like I'm making it about me and sharing experience is kind if weird since no one knows I used too

I mean it only happened like a couple of times and it wasn't real damage, more like tries but I'd back away at some point.

It was a really long time ago, so nothing to worry and I'm fine and it was really far back

But because we are in the same family, I don't know if I should tell my parents? He wouldn't like that, and it's stressing, but I don't know what to do 

At least he said that his best friend who lives three houses from us knows and is helping, so I guess that's good?

So yeah, that's all...

Yeah, I had a tough time with my friend.. To be honest, things have settled down for me, but not for Best friend 2 and my twin. Long story short, we (BF2, my twin, my other friend and I) are not friends with Bestfriend 1 anymore. To many things happened. I "moved on" and tried to not talk about it and continue my life, but my twin and Bestfriend 2 were constantly talking about it, and Best friend 2 was really angry at best friend 1 (she had reasons) but she started being revengeful, I'd say, against her and that made me really uncomfortable because I just wanted to move on, especially after all the manipulation I was in for a year, but she was in only for a couple of months, but she was really angry about it but to me it was as if she was still there even though we were supposed to be happier, which didn't happen. My twin, though, was angry but in a different way. She more wanted to make a reality check with Best friend 1 and make her understand what she had done, but she did it in an angry way. Every time I would try to have them stop talking about Best friend 1, or tell them talking shit about her was uncomfortable, my twin would be angry at me. It's just that we were supposed to be done and they were always talking about it. I know it made them feel better but it just made me worse. I don't really understand the point  of talking about every thing we don't like about her, because to me it makes us as her level as she did the same, but they don't think like that. But it's understandable, because Best friend 1 started copying them, their style, their hobbies, interest, and she got compliments for it, which made my sister and Best friend 2 really angry because they really are individualists. 

To my own surprise, I wasn't even angry at her. I mean, she explained to me a lot her behaviors and I know she didn't do it consciously, but the things I know she did consciously, that I am a bit angry, but overall I'm not angry at her. I don't even feel something about her, now. By being her main "subject", for fault of better term, I know I should be the angriest, but I just don't feel anything about it, really. They all hate her, but I just feel nothing towards her. To me, being angry would be pointless.

I do feel a bit bad for her, though, because she seems really guilty and sad, and she has no idea what she did wrong.

But it's definitely less stressful, though.

But we took in consideration of her harmful behavior and we made sjre she wouldm't harm herself.

So yeah, I guess that's it too

How it turned out is sad, but in a way better for all of us.

Thank you again for answering and for reading this.

I might have something else to talk about but it's kind of weird and a but weird to believe, I'd say?

Beluga

[Aurora]

18 hours ago, Flooo said:

Hi!

Thank you for your response

I know this is kind of a brute start but there is something that I wanted to talk about. A few days ago, I was in a family vacation, and my twin and brother argued. My brother then apologized, but then my twin said something and he said something like "Wait you know that I self harm?" And both me and my twin didn't know that, so it was kind of something that shook us for a while? I knew my brother had some issues and was seeing a therapist, same for my twin, but I didn't know he was doing that.. I feel a bit guilty I never noticed..

I know I already dealt with something similar with Best friend 1, but it feels a bit different this time? Like, with bestfriend 1 she did it in front of people and needed someone to care for her? But my brother is really different. I think, in my family, after my dad, I'm the closest person to him? We share interest so conversation is easy, but he is really different from my sister. For example she's an ENFP and he's an ISTJ. They have very different point of views on subject and they argue a lot. They both kind of confide in me, so it's sometimes awkward, especially if they want their side to be chosen (I stay neutral though), but now I think that maybe after all those arguments he did something to himself? It kinda unsettled me..

With Best friend 1, I knew she had mental health issues, so I wasn't surprised, but it had been three years my brother was okay? I just didn't really expect that, I guess? 

I want to help him, but I don't really know what to do, for a couple of things. He doesn't want reassurance or someone to care for him like Best friend 1, because he told my twin and I that he did it to discipline himself. Also, my brother is autistic, and I don't really know if there is a way that can make him understand better? I don't know a lot because my parents and family never talk about it. I tried to write him a message, but I didn't really know what to tell him except don't, it's not worth it, which is obviously not the best thing to say.

He said he just pinches himself now but that he used to do worse stuff, and I'm concerned about the worse stuff. He mentioned a couple of times that he hated "bad things he did" when he was in secondary 2, and I just feel like I can't get the right message without context, but I know that I will probably never know what happened.

In my letter I tried to give my experience, because I used to kinda do it too when I felt like I hurt people and was a bad person, but I just feel like I'm making it about me and sharing experience is kind if weird since no one knows I used too

I mean it only happened like a couple of times and it wasn't real damage, more like tries but I'd back away at some point.

It was a really long time ago, so nothing to worry and I'm fine and it was really far back

But because we are in the same family, I don't know if I should tell my parents? He wouldn't like that, and it's stressing, but I don't know what to do 

At least he said that his best friend who lives three houses from us knows and is helping, so I guess that's good?

So yeah, that's all...

Yeah, I had a tough time with my friend.. To be honest, things have settled down for me, but not for Best friend 2 and my twin. Long story short, we (BF2, my twin, my other friend and I) are not friends with Bestfriend 1 anymore. To many things happened. I "moved on" and tried to not talk about it and continue my life, but my twin and Bestfriend 2 were constantly talking about it, and Best friend 2 was really angry at best friend 1 (she had reasons) but she started being revengeful, I'd say, against her and that made me really uncomfortable because I just wanted to move on, especially after all the manipulation I was in for a year, but she was in only for a couple of months, but she was really angry about it but to me it was as if she was still there even though we were supposed to be happier, which didn't happen. My twin, though, was angry but in a different way. She more wanted to make a reality check with Best friend 1 and make her understand what she had done, but she did it in an angry way. Every time I would try to have them stop talking about Best friend 1, or tell them talking shit about her was uncomfortable, my twin would be angry at me. It's just that we were supposed to be done and they were always talking about it. I know it made them feel better but it just made me worse. I don't really understand the point  of talking about every thing we don't like about her, because to me it makes us as her level as she did the same, but they don't think like that. But it's understandable, because Best friend 1 started copying them, their style, their hobbies, interest, and she got compliments for it, which made my sister and Best friend 2 really angry because they really are individualists. 

To my own surprise, I wasn't even angry at her. I mean, she explained to me a lot her behaviors and I know she didn't do it consciously, but the things I know she did consciously, that I am a bit angry, but overall I'm not angry at her. I don't even feel something about her, now. By being her main "subject", for fault of better term, I know I should be the angriest, but I just don't feel anything about it, really. They all hate her, but I just feel nothing towards her. To me, being angry would be pointless.

I do feel a bit bad for her, though, because she seems really guilty and sad, and she has no idea what she did wrong.

But it's definitely less stressful, though.

But we took in consideration of her harmful behavior and we made sjre she wouldm't harm herself.

So yeah, I guess that's it too

How it turned out is sad, but in a way better for all of us.

Thank you again for answering and for reading this.

I might have something else to talk about but it's kind of weird and a but weird to believe, I'd say?

Beluga

 

Hi @Flooo

Thanks so much for opening up about everything that's been going on for you. I can tell that you really care about your family and your friends and I would imagine it probably feels like a lot for you to deal with right now. I completely get why you are worried about your brother and why this feels different to when bestfriend 1 was harming herself. Especially as it sounds like he has been keeping it from you and the rest of the family.

People often use self harm as a coping mechanism to deal with difficult emotions or, like your brother mentioned, they might turn to it for self punishment. There are lots of different reasons for this such as low self esteem, feelings of guilt or they might be struggling with negative thoughts. If your brother is physically harming himself then it does sound to me like he could do with some support right now, to help him find safer coping mechanisms and maybe also help build up his self esteem. Would you agree? You mentioned that your brother was seeing a therapist for a while. Do you think you could suggest that he sees them again? How do you think he would feel about that? If that isn't an option, maybe you could suggest, talking to your Dad. You mentioned that the two of them are close. I know you said he wouldn't like you speaking to your parents but he might feel differently if you spoke to your Dad together. What do you think? 

It's really nice that you want to write him a letter. You mentioned that you tried to give your experience, too but you didn't want to make it about you. I just wanted to check with you first, if you are happy to share your experience with him? If so, maybe you could mention that this is something that you have done in the past and you therefore can understand how he feels and if he would like to know more about it you’re happy to tell him more. Like this the focus still stays on him.  How does that sound?

Also, I noticed that you said that your brother is autistic but that you and your family never really talk about it. Do you think it would be helpful to have more conversations about autism and what this might mean in terms of how you can best communicate with each other? It's just a thought I had...

I'm sorry to hear you had such a tough time with bestfriend 1. It does sound like it's probably better for all of you, that you are no longer friends. I get the impression that you have processed what has happened and that you have moved on but that bestfriend 2 and your twin are struggling to do the same. Is that fair to say? Maybe they don't feel like they have had closure somehow. What do you think? I'm wondering if it would be helpful for you to ask them if that's the case and if so, you could suggest that they write a letter to bestfriend 1, without ever sending it. By writing a letter they can let out all the thought/emotions/feelings they have towards bestfriend 1. Sometimes, getting it all out and addressing the person in question (even if we don't actually give them the letter) can help us to feel a sense of closure afterwards. Do you think that might work for them?

You mentioned that you have something else to talk about but that it's kind of weird and a bit weird to believe. You're very welcome to mention it here if you like. If you would prefer to talk about it in private, then you can also send us a confidential support message here https://forums.ditchthelabel.org/support/  You can either speak to one of the other support mentors or you can mention in your message that you would like to talk to me and then I will reply once I am back online. Also, if you don't feel ready or don't want to talk about it at all, that's of course absolutely fine as well. Whatever works best for you  - there is no pressure at all for you to talk about something you don't feel comfortable to. Just know, that we're here for you if you do want to talk about it. 

Thanks again for sharing all this with me. 

Beluga 

 

[Flooo]

Hi!

Thank you for your message.

My sister told my parents about my brother's behavior, and we had a long conversation. We all thought he could maybe go back to a therapist, and my parents said they would talk to him about it. I don't know how he's gonna react to my parents knowing, but my dad is gonna talk to him about it, so I guess they'll both talk to each other, but just in a different context? My dad looked really shocked though, and I hope that he's gonna get through my brother.

It sounds okay, really. It might be kind of awkward since I've never really talked about what is going on in my life with anyone, except here, but it's a good idea. It might also make him realize that it does nothing. I mean, that's what I hope.

Yes, I definitely think it would be better. My twin thinks the same, and well since she's really outspoken and all, she also mentioned it at the discussion. We learned more about it but also how my brother accepts it (which he doesn't cause his whole life his goal was to be normal), and I think we can now communicate more easily, just in everyday life. There's definitely some dark spots, but over time, it's probably gonna be fine, I hope.

Oh yeah, I mentioned that. Well it's kind of two things now, since something else happened. I'm ready to talk about it, so I will now.

Well, it's nkt that ot's hard to believe, it's just that I've never actually shown it. I don't really know how to approach it... Okay well since I was a kid my mom would put enormous values on being empathetic and nice to everyone and all. So I grew up really doing those things and it's like an automatism now. Also, as a kid, I started iff really alone, and always solently folowwing my sister because I was shy, bjt because I was also more serious than other people, the adulgs and everyone at my school in general said that the trick to differentiate me and my twin was that she looked like she had a sparkle in her eyes, and I looked dead. I remeber that throughout all of my primary school years I really hated that and I truly wanted to be a sparkle too (5 year old thinking) and I really tried to get people's appeoval after that (which kinda didn't happen) But the "nice and easy" personnality feels kind of off, as if it wasn't completely me, if I can say that. Well, I talked about it to bestfriend 2, who also grew up kind of like that, and we found out a couple of things: Basically, I took a lot of courage to open up which I never do (the last tike I talked to someone about something personal was 1 or 2 years ago) so I was proud of myself for it and I told her that it had been a couple of months that I started to think that the easy going and wielding person was truly me. She said she's been thinking the same, and then said that (since MBTI is also one of her interests) she'd been second guessing her MBTI. I'd been thinking the same thing and I said "me too!". We came to the conclusion that we mistyped ourselves mainly because we're both people pleasers. She said she's been anxious to tell me and I just think that it was nice to have someone understand me. We both act very kind but only people who know both of us close can see that we are very logical people. (Best friend 2 mistyped as INFJ and but is truly an INTJ, and I was typed an ISFJ but I think I'm more of an INTP)

I often find myself making decisions more on the logical side, thinking a lot, wondering at every possibilities, and being extremely curious about how the world works, which is why I like physics. Same for bestfriend 2. I act extremely emotional here, mainly because I'm talking about things that are making me have an emotional reaction, obviously, and I started this conversation mainly in a time where I wasn't "enough" to bestfriend 1, and I didn't want to be rejected, which is why I acted so "compliant", I'd say? I do care about my friends and family, though, so I'm not saying I'm heartless 

I explain so bad

What I'm trying to say is that I think I might have hidden who I was mainly because of people pleasing tendencies, and I was scared that no one would believe me because of how I acted as a people pleaser. It's normal if you don't believe me but it's just been so much easier since best friend 2 and I agreed to stop people pleasing and truly be ourselves

I just felt as if it would be weird to believe that I'm not truly like that which is why I said that it was weird

Just, I don't know if it makes sense.

And just the second thing is that my brother came out as bisexual, but my mom says he's ambivalent in the meaning of unsure or something, and I was a bit forced to come out too, but she says she didn't ask herself that many questions and that I'm ambivalent too or something? I know that my sister thinks mom believes we're saying the truth but the way she acts and her reticence just says otherwise. And she also keep saying things like you're too young to know or you can always change or you have the tike to change and that makes me uncomfortable especially as I was stressing for a year to tell them and it was forced and I'm the effjest person as I said I was a lesbian but the my siblings are bisexual, so I'm harder to believe, I guess. But I think I'm also asexual (not aromantic) and I don't know if you can be both? I'm really confused a bit and I know it's not that believable either, but I just wish she would believe me instead of saying I can always change.

My father was fine with it though and he believed me when I told him I thought I was both lesbian and asexual. He said that it's okay if I jusg had feeling for the other gender and that nkt everyone is physically attracted to toger people, which was nice of him, and he also said that the only thing that would be weird was if he didn't support me.

I mean I've never been close to my mom, really, so I wasn't expecting total belief. I mean in my family it's more my twin and my mom who get along, and my brother, me, and my dad. But my twin and I are also close too.

So, that's it, mostly. I'm gonna ask something that's cringe but is what I said in the last paragraphs believable? I should maybe also believe on myself and my own opinion too. Yeah that would be good. I mean, I belive in what I said and I think it's the truth, so it's gonna be that for now, no need to validate everything with other people, I can trust myself.

Anyways, Beluga!  

*Sorry for typos, I was typing really fast as I need to fo eat*

[Flooo]

Hi

The last message had so many typos (it hasn't sended yet, basically just my response, not saying your message had typos, just my sending message)

Like what is effjest???

It was supposed to be "weirdest"

That's not my usual level of grammar

Beluga

Edited July 15 by Flooo

[Aurora]

On 7/15/2024 at 5:39 PM, Flooo said:

Hi!

Thank you for your message.

My sister told my parents about my brother's behavior, and we had a long conversation. We all thought he could maybe go back to a therapist, and my parents said they would talk to him about it. I don't know how he's gonna react to my parents knowing, but my dad is gonna talk to him about it, so I guess they'll both talk to each other, but just in a different context? My dad looked really shocked though, and I hope that he's gonna get through my brother.

It sounds okay, really. It might be kind of awkward since I've never really talked about what is going on in my life with anyone, except here, but it's a good idea. It might also make him realize that it does nothing. I mean, that's what I hope.

Yes, I definitely think it would be better. My twin thinks the same, and well since she's really outspoken and all, she also mentioned it at the discussion. We learned more about it but also how my brother accepts it (which he doesn't cause his whole life his goal was to be normal), and I think we can now communicate more easily, just in everyday life. There's definitely some dark spots, but over time, it's probably gonna be fine, I hope.

Oh yeah, I mentioned that. Well it's kind of two things now, since something else happened. I'm ready to talk about it, so I will now.

Well, it's nkt that ot's hard to believe, it's just that I've never actually shown it. I don't really know how to approach it... Okay well since I was a kid my mom would put enormous values on being empathetic and nice to everyone and all. So I grew up really doing those things and it's like an automatism now. Also, as a kid, I started iff really alone, and always solently folowwing my sister because I was shy, bjt because I was also more serious than other people, the adulgs and everyone at my school in general said that the trick to differentiate me and my twin was that she looked like she had a sparkle in her eyes, and I looked dead. I remeber that throughout all of my primary school years I really hated that and I truly wanted to be a sparkle too (5 year old thinking) and I really tried to get people's appeoval after that (which kinda didn't happen) But the "nice and easy" personnality feels kind of off, as if it wasn't completely me, if I can say that. Well, I talked about it to bestfriend 2, who also grew up kind of like that, and we found out a couple of things: Basically, I took a lot of courage to open up which I never do (the last tike I talked to someone about something personal was 1 or 2 years ago) so I was proud of myself for it and I told her that it had been a couple of months that I started to think that the easy going and wielding person was truly me. She said she's been thinking the same, and then said that (since MBTI is also one of her interests) she'd been second guessing her MBTI. I'd been thinking the same thing and I said "me too!". We came to the conclusion that we mistyped ourselves mainly because we're both people pleasers. She said she's been anxious to tell me and I just think that it was nice to have someone understand me. We both act very kind but only people who know both of us close can see that we are very logical people. (Best friend 2 mistyped as INFJ and but is truly an INTJ, and I was typed an ISFJ but I think I'm more of an INTP)

I often find myself making decisions more on the logical side, thinking a lot, wondering at every possibilities, and being extremely curious about how the world works, which is why I like physics. Same for bestfriend 2. I act extremely emotional here, mainly because I'm talking about things that are making me have an emotional reaction, obviously, and I started this conversation mainly in a time where I wasn't "enough" to bestfriend 1, and I didn't want to be rejected, which is why I acted so "compliant", I'd say? I do care about my friends and family, though, so I'm not saying I'm heartless 

I explain so bad

What I'm trying to say is that I think I might have hidden who I was mainly because of people pleasing tendencies, and I was scared that no one would believe me because of how I acted as a people pleaser. It's normal if you don't believe me but it's just been so much easier since best friend 2 and I agreed to stop people pleasing and truly be ourselves

I just felt as if it would be weird to believe that I'm not truly like that which is why I said that it was weird

Just, I don't know if it makes sense.

And just the second thing is that my brother came out as bisexual, but my mom says he's ambivalent in the meaning of unsure or something, and I was a bit forced to come out too, but she says she didn't ask herself that many questions and that I'm ambivalent too or something? I know that my sister thinks mom believes we're saying the truth but the way she acts and her reticence just says otherwise. And she also keep saying things like you're too young to know or you can always change or you have the tike to change and that makes me uncomfortable especially as I was stressing for a year to tell them and it was forced and I'm the effjest person as I said I was a lesbian but the my siblings are bisexual, so I'm harder to believe, I guess. But I think I'm also asexual (not aromantic) and I don't know if you can be both? I'm really confused a bit and I know it's not that believable either, but I just wish she would believe me instead of saying I can always change.

My father was fine with it though and he believed me when I told him I thought I was both lesbian and asexual. He said that it's okay if I jusg had feeling for the other gender and that nkt everyone is physically attracted to toger people, which was nice of him, and he also said that the only thing that would be weird was if he didn't support me.

I mean I've never been close to my mom, really, so I wasn't expecting total belief. I mean in my family it's more my twin and my mom who get along, and my brother, me, and my dad. But my twin and I are also close too.

So, that's it, mostly. I'm gonna ask something that's cringe but is what I said in the last paragraphs believable? I should maybe also believe on myself and my own opinion too. Yeah that would be good. I mean, I belive in what I said and I think it's the truth, so it's gonna be that for now, no need to validate everything with other people, I can trust myself.

Anyways, Beluga!  

*Sorry for typos, I was typing really fast as I need to fo eat*

Hi @Flooo,

Thanks so much for your message and also for being so open about everything. I know it can be difficult to talk about personal things and I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to share all this with us 

It sounds like you and your sister had a really good talk with your parents about your brother self harming and I get the impression that they want to make sure that your brother gets the support he needs right now. Do you know, if the conversation between your Dad and your brother went well? Hopefully your brother can understand, why your sister decided to tell your parents about what has been going on for him. It's great that you could also speak to your parents about how to communicate better with each other. How have things been at home, since you had that talk? 

From everything you've been telling me, I get the impression that you are starting to figure out, who you truly are and that's so important. We often go through life, behaving a certain way, because that's how we think we should behave but like you were saying, this can make us feel like we can't be our true self. And if we keep hiding our true self, that can have a big impact on our self esteem and how we see ourselves. You strike me as a very thoughtful and reflective person and I'm impressed by the insight you have as to why you think you have been trying to hide your 'real' personality.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but was really sad to read that people used to say that they could differentiate between you and your twin, because your twin looked like she has a sparkle in her eyes and you looked dead. What a horrible thing to say and definitely not true! I would imagine, that must have been so difficult for you to carry around with you. Did you ever speak to anyone about this? I do think that introverted people can sometimes be overlooked - and it must be particularly difficult when you have a twin who is extroverted, as people often make direct comparisons between twins. I have noticed that myself. I know we have only been talking on the forum here but I can tell that you are a very caring, compassionate and special person and you did not deserve to be told that 

I'm so glad you have spoken to Bestfriend 2 about how you've been feeling. - definitely something to be proud of !  I can see why she is your best friend. It sounds like you have a lot in common. Not only does she understand you, she has been going through something similar herself. It's also great that you are both interested in MBTI and I get the impression that this is helping both of you, to understand yourselves a bit better. Is that right? Hopefully, by having someone else, who is going through the same, it will help you not only discover more about yourself but also give you the confidence to show people who you really are . Remember, you are a very special person and people will like you, for who you are! And if they don't then it's definitely their loss! 

Thank you as well for telling me about the difficulties you've been having since you've come out to your Mom. I am sorry that you felt like you were forced to come out - it sounds like you weren't quite ready yet. Is that fair to say? How do you feel, now that everyone on your family knows? 

 I totally get, why you are finding it upsetting when your Mom says things like 'you're too young to know' or that you're ambivalent/unsure. Especially since you've been waiting a long time to tell them. Do you mind me asking, how long it has been, since you told your mom? It sounds like it might have been very recently. Is that right? It could be that your Mom needs a bit of time to process what you and your brother have told her. What is great, is that your Dad has been so supportive - I'm so happy to hear that. Do you think it would be helpful for you to speak to your Dad about the things your Mom has been saying, that have been upsetting you. Maybe he can talk to her. What do you think?

You were asking, whether it is possible to be asexual and lesbian at the same time. It sounds like you have already spoken to your Dad about this but I also wanted to reassure you that sexual attraction is only one kind of attraction (eg there is romantic attraction, too). It therefore makes sense, that you identify as asexual and lesbian. What are your thoughts on this?

I wanted to finish off today by saying that I noticed, what a strong and powerful statement you made at the end of your post. You go, Flooo !!

On 7/15/2024 at 5:39 PM, Flooo said:

I mean, I belive in what I said and I think it's the truth, so it's gonna be that for now, no need to validate everything with other people, I can trust myself.

Beluga for now 

And please don't apologies for the typos. No problem at all! 

[Flooo]

On 7/17/2024 at 7:03 AM, Aurora said:

Hi @Flooo,

Thanks so much for your message and also for being so open about everything. I know it can be difficult to talk about personal things and I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to share all this with us 

It sounds like you and your sister had a really good talk with your parents about your brother self harming and I get the impression that they want to make sure that your brother gets the support he needs right now. Do you know, if the conversation between your Dad and your brother went well? Hopefully your brother can understand, why your sister decided to tell your parents about what has been going on for him. It's great that you could also speak to your parents about how to communicate better with each other. How have things been at home, since you had that talk? 

From everything you've been telling me, I get the impression that you are starting to figure out, who you truly are and that's so important. We often go through life, behaving a certain way, because that's how we think we should behave but like you were saying, this can make us feel like we can't be our true self. And if we keep hiding our true self, that can have a big impact on our self esteem and how we see ourselves. You strike me as a very thoughtful and reflective person and I'm impressed by the insight you have as to why you think you have been trying to hide your 'real' personality.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but was really sad to read that people used to say that they could differentiate between you and your twin, because your twin looked like she has a sparkle in her eyes and you looked dead. What a horrible thing to say and definitely not true! I would imagine, that must have been so difficult for you to carry around with you. Did you ever speak to anyone about this? I do think that introverted people can sometimes be overlooked - and it must be particularly difficult when you have a twin who is extroverted, as people often make direct comparisons between twins. I have noticed that myself. I know we have only been talking on the forum here but I can tell that you are a very caring, compassionate and special person and you did not deserve to be told that 

I'm so glad you have spoken to Bestfriend 2 about how you've been feeling. - definitely something to be proud of !  I can see why she is your best friend. It sounds like you have a lot in common. Not only does she understand you, she has been going through something similar herself. It's also great that you are both interested in MBTI and I get the impression that this is helping both of you, to understand yourselves a bit better. Is that right? Hopefully, by having someone else, who is going through the same, it will help you not only discover more about yourself but also give you the confidence to show people who you really are . Remember, you are a very special person and people will like you, for who you are! And if they don't then it's definitely their loss! 

Thank you as well for telling me about the difficulties you've been having since you've come out to your Mom. I am sorry that you felt like you were forced to come out - it sounds like you weren't quite ready yet. Is that fair to say? How do you feel, now that everyone on your family knows? 

 I totally get, why you are finding it upsetting when your Mom says things like 'you're too young to know' or that you're ambivalent/unsure. Especially since you've been waiting a long time to tell them. Do you mind me asking, how long it has been, since you told your mom? It sounds like it might have been very recently. Is that right? It could be that your Mom needs a bit of time to process what you and your brother have told her. What is great, is that your Dad has been so supportive - I'm so happy to hear that. Do you think it would be helpful for you to speak to your Dad about the things your Mom has been saying, that have been upsetting you. Maybe he can talk to her. What do you think?

You were asking, whether it is possible to be asexual and lesbian at the same time. It sounds like you have already spoken to your Dad about this but I also wanted to reassure you that sexual attraction is only one kind of attraction (eg there is romantic attraction, too). It therefore makes sense, that you identify as asexual and lesbian. What are your thoughts on this?

I wanted to finish off today by saying that I noticed, what a strong and powerful statement you made at the end of your post. You go, Flooo !!

Beluga for now 

And please don't apologies for the typos. No problem at all! 

Hi! 

Thank you!

I don't know how it went, or if it has happened yet, so I'm going to ask my dad soon, probably when I'll be going to martial art class since he's my "driver". Things are going fine and normal, but I'd say that everyone is just a bit more alert to situations when it could happen, and I don't know for my sister but I know that I try to understand him better and to communicate better.

Yeah, I guess it's that.. Thank you  I've been trying to act more like what I truly think is me, and so far, it's been really nice, mainly because I don't feel like I'm performing an act or something.

Yeah, it was a bit difficult to carry, especially since I believed it was true, and tried to change because of that, and even this year people I am close with said I was an NPC/pathethic. I've only talked to my twin about it this month, actually. People have said other things, which I told her about, and she was a bit shocked that that's what people said. I was a bit sad though that she focused on her being the sparkle and asked me multiple times if I truly saw her shine. But I don't blame her for it, because she's having issues on her own because of people's pressure on her to shine (she's a really talented dancer). Thank you, you're actually the first to say that and I'm really thankful.

One thing I remember a lot, though, is that my aunt, who is really close to my sister, saw a bracelet, gave it to me, and said that she thinks I should have it. I asked her why, and she said that at first (since the pearls are near-black and holographic), it looks all black and dull, but once you take the time to actually look closely at it, you can see all the different hues of color that makes it beautiful, and she said that that's what she sees in me. I still have that bracelet and I treasure it a lot. 

Thank you! Yeah, we definitely have a lot in common There's a lot of scenarios in which we talk about things we told no one and then we both say that we think that way too. Yes, MBTI is definitely helping, and it makes it more fun and less slight-indentity-crisis like. I hope so too! Thank you, again.

 Yes, I was definitely not ready... I feel a bit relieved, since I don't have to listen to talks about "my potential future couple life with a boyfriend", but it's definitely more awkward in some moments, especially with my mom. It's not awkward at all with my twin, but when I first came out to my brother, which was a few months ago, things were kinda awkward. I know he's autistic, but he'd ask questions that were specific and a bit inappropriate and that I felt really uncomfortable to answer. He also a bit tried to convince me that I had my sexuality wrong, which confused me even more.. but it's over now and it's not that awkward. I think my dad knew a bit, though, so it's really not awkward. 

It has been a couple of weeks, three maximum. Yeah, maybe she needs time. I think it would be helpful to talk to him, especially since I've been thinking about it a lot. I'll try to soon.

I didn't know if it was possible, but from the angle you've given and my dad, too, I'd say it's possible. I think I'll identify as this for now. Thank you, again, for I would've been a lot more confused.

Thank you!

Beluga for now

[Aurora]

On 7/21/2024 at 12:05 PM, Flooo said:

Hi! 

Thank you!

I don't know how it went, or if it has happened yet, so I'm going to ask my dad soon, probably when I'll be going to martial art class since he's my "driver". Things are going fine and normal, but I'd say that everyone is just a bit more alert to situations when it could happen, and I don't know for my sister but I know that I try to understand him better and to communicate better.

Yeah, I guess it's that.. Thank you  I've been trying to act more like what I truly think is me, and so far, it's been really nice, mainly because I don't feel like I'm performing an act or something.

Yeah, it was a bit difficult to carry, especially since I believed it was true, and tried to change because of that, and even this year people I am close with said I was an NPC/pathethic. I've only talked to my twin about it this month, actually. People have said other things, which I told her about, and she was a bit shocked that that's what people said. I was a bit sad though that she focused on her being the sparkle and asked me multiple times if I truly saw her shine. But I don't blame her for it, because she's having issues on her own because of people's pressure on her to shine (she's a really talented dancer). Thank you, you're actually the first to say that and I'm really thankful.

One thing I remember a lot, though, is that my aunt, who is really close to my sister, saw a bracelet, gave it to me, and said that she thinks I should have it. I asked her why, and she said that at first (since the pearls are near-black and holographic), it looks all black and dull, but once you take the time to actually look closely at it, you can see all the different hues of color that makes it beautiful, and she said that that's what she sees in me. I still have that bracelet and I treasure it a lot. 

Thank you! Yeah, we definitely have a lot in common There's a lot of scenarios in which we talk about things we told no one and then we both say that we think that way too. Yes, MBTI is definitely helping, and it makes it more fun and less slight-indentity-crisis like. I hope so too! Thank you, again.

 Yes, I was definitely not ready... I feel a bit relieved, since I don't have to listen to talks about "my potential future couple life with a boyfriend", but it's definitely more awkward in some moments, especially with my mom. It's not awkward at all with my twin, but when I first came out to my brother, which was a few months ago, things were kinda awkward. I know he's autistic, but he'd ask questions that were specific and a bit inappropriate and that I felt really uncomfortable to answer. He also a bit tried to convince me that I had my sexuality wrong, which confused me even more.. but it's over now and it's not that awkward. I think my dad knew a bit, though, so it's really not awkward. 

It has been a couple of weeks, three maximum. Yeah, maybe she needs time. I think it would be helpful to talk to him, especially since I've been thinking about it a lot. I'll try to soon.

I didn't know if it was possible, but from the angle you've given and my dad, too, I'd say it's possible. I think I'll identify as this for now. Thank you, again, for I would've been a lot more confused.

Thank you!

Beluga for now

Hi @Flooo

How nice to hear that you feel like you understand your brother a bit better now and that you've been working on your communication with him, too. Even if you haven't told him, I would imagine that he is picking up on this and feels supported by you and the rest of your family. 

I'm really impressed how you are allowing yourself to be you, after all those years of trying to change to please other people. It must be tough to still be experiencing negative comments to this day though! Do you mind me asking, who told you this (about being an NCP/pathetic)? As in was it a friend, a family member or maybe a family friend? Please don't feel you have to share if you don't want to. I'm only asking, because I am trying to understand your situation better. Whoever it was, I can reassure you that this is not the case - you are such an interesting, reflective and thoughtful person, who has a lot to give and you do not deserve to be treated like this!

It sounds like you opened up to your sister and even though she was a bit shocked about what you told her, she was more focused on herself. I would imagine that was probably not the response you were hoping for. Is thar right? I'm sorry she wasn't being more supportive - that was probably pretty disappointing. From everything you've told me, I get the impression that she doesn't really understand what it's been like for you. She has been getting a lot of positive attention over the years and probably can't relate to your experiences. I'm wondering, do you think Bestfriend 2 might be a better person to talk to, if you want to open up to someone else. I get the impression that you and her are quite similar in lots of ways and she might understand you better when it comes to this. What do you think? 

Thank you for sharing your story about how you got the bracelet from your aunt. That's really beautiful and it sounds like your aunt really understands you , Do you feel close to your aunt? 

It also really is so nice to hear that you have been trying to be more like the true you and that it's felt really nice to do that. The way you describe it, it sounds quite freeing to me - is that how it feels to you? Do you think that coming out to your family has also helped to show them your true self and helped you to be more authentic around them? I know I have said it before but I get the impression that your Dad has been supportive throughout and I'm wondering whether he might also be someone you can talk to about wanting to express yourself more and trust yourself (rather than listen to what others say). 

Can I ask how things have been with your mom? Have you had a chance to talk to your Dad about it, to see what he thinks and if he can maybe talk to your Mom? 

How do things feel overall if you don't mind me asking? It sounds like there has been a big shift in your life and also within your family and I am just wondering, how you've been managing all those changes? 

Beluga for now 

[Flooo]

Hi!

Thank you. Yes, it's kinda tough... My brother told me I was an NPC and gave me a talk on how to be a more interesting person, and my mother said I was pathethic. Thank you

Yeah, I was hoping that she would more try to understand how I felt. It was disappointing, yes. Yes, she doesn't truly know how it feels, because everyone always liked her and she was popular and still is now, even though she isn't in the popular people group. But sometimes, it's a bit sad, because everyone in my school thinks I'm her, even the teachers, so often they'll talk to me and call me Flavie and everytime I need to tell them I'm not her. I thought it would be something she could relate too, since we're twins, but no one has confused her with me for years? I was abut surprised by that. And, also, I was a part of an activity about trivia knowledge, and I went there every week at my school, but even though my sister only went three times, people would confuse me for her. I get that we're similar, but for a whole year of taking attendance I thought they'd know who I am. But something that I felt sad about was that instead of asking me my name to put on the sheet, they'd just put a blank space and mark points, so I was the blank space all year. I know it's  bit overreacting but I just felt sad about that. 

I kinda got off track... Talking to Best friend 2 would be a good idea. Since she tells me a lot of stuff (she's in a weird family and she often tells me stuff about that or I help her through panic attacks like I did when she was in depression this year), I think I could talk to her too. Yes, we're a lot similar

I don't see my aunt often all my mother's family lives far away, but whenever I see her, it's like she can read my mind or something. For example, once, she talked to me because she had the impression I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform in school and that I was maybe taking a career path that made me unhappy, and I am just wondering how could she have known that I was having panick attacks about school and forced myself to become something I didn't like?? Like how?? Shr always impressed me. So I'd say I'm close to her, but not as close as my sister is. But one thing I also like is that she's the only family member who respects my boundaries. Like, I really don't like hugs and all and she's the only one who respects me, and that's really nice of her.

Yes, definitely freeing. Yes, I definitely feel like I'm not hiding something anymore and authentic. I talked to my dad before about that, and he's the one that truly made me realize I was just in a loop of doing things that didn't make me happy anymore, and we had a great conversation and without this conversation I'd probably be still in that "loop". (It's a bit funny now that I rethink about it, it all started because I watched a stranger things episode and the pool was overflowing (last part isn't that funny now that I truly think about it)).

Things with my mon has been normal, which translates to not really talking to each other and when we so it's a bit awkward. We used to have a good relationship, but it got destroyed mainly because last year I was having severe panick attacks almost everyday and now that I rethink about it I was probably in depression (I'm nkt claiming anything and there's a high chance I wasn't) (I swear I'm nkt joking about mental illness) and I didn't really want to live (I wasn't suicidal), and instead of "caring" like she did with my sister and brother (who both went to therapy), she was always mad at me, saying I was dramatic and other things, and yelling happened quite a few times. And I was overworking myself a lot, like I studied for a lot of hours everyday and all, and she just thought I was kinda obsessed and narcissistic, I think. 

Got off track again... I did ask my dad about it, but he took 10 minutes to answer "No, it was probably just shock, we wish for what makes tou happy" but I could hear them whispering and they are really loud people so I think she might have been hurt by it.

Yeah, there was definitely a big shift... I'm handling it okay, I'm a bit used to it by now. 

There is something I would like to talk about, too, that I've said to Best friend 2 two times, but it's just starting to weight a bit.

There is also something else that I've learned, I think a couple of months ago, about my mom's childhood ( I knew she was being abused but I didn't know what exactly happened) and it's just a bit weighting, now that I know that thing, and it's creepy. And I kinda learned that he managed to find us, and from what I know, he a bit spied on us? Cause apparently now he knows how much we've grown, us three kids? Anyway, it's just so weird and I'd like to talk a bit about that.

There's also a third thing I'd like to talk about, and it's a bit linked with dealing with Bestfriend 2's mental health, Best friend 1's, my brother, my sister, their conflict, and sometimes my parents, and I know it might seem weird but it's starting to just feel suffocating, especially as I am always in the middle of it. And it would be nice for them not to always see me as their therapist, and disregard any trouble I could have (I don't know, but for some of them, they seem to think I have absolutely no problems, and when I tried to tell one of them if they coukd solve their problems woth the other person directly, and how uncomfortable my situation was in every conflict, they said I was shutting them down and disregard me. But the second they had a problem with that person, and that they solved it without me, I remeber them spending hours arguing and trying to find a middle ground. The person I was with that day that was in the conflict had hated it, and said it was frustrating, hard, time consuming, nerve wracking and was extremely emotionally distraught, and I just wish they understood that that's what I feel everytime I'm in the middle, especially if it's once every two days).

Went off track again... sorry for getting so carried...

Thank you for sitting through this confusing thing that is my message.

Beluga

[Luie]

6 hours ago, Flooo said:

Hi!

Thank you. Yes, it's kinda tough... My brother told me I was an NPC and gave me a talk on how to be a more interesting person, and my mother said I was pathethic. Thank you

Yeah, I was hoping that she would more try to understand how I felt. It was disappointing, yes. Yes, she doesn't truly know how it feels, because everyone always liked her and she was popular and still is now, even though she isn't in the popular people group. But sometimes, it's a bit sad, because everyone in my school thinks I'm her, even the teachers, so often they'll talk to me and call me Flavie and everytime I need to tell them I'm not her. I thought it would be something she could relate too, since we're twins, but no one has confused her with me for years? I was abut surprised by that. And, also, I was a part of an activity about trivia knowledge, and I went there every week at my school, but even though my sister only went three times, people would confuse me for her. I get that we're similar, but for a whole year of taking attendance I thought they'd know who I am. But something that I felt sad about was that instead of asking me my name to put on the sheet, they'd just put a blank space and mark points, so I was the blank space all year. I know it's  bit overreacting but I just felt sad about that. 

I kinda got off track... Talking to Best friend 2 would be a good idea. Since she tells me a lot of stuff (she's in a weird family and she often tells me stuff about that or I help her through panic attacks like I did when she was in depression this year), I think I could talk to her too. Yes, we're a lot similar

I don't see my aunt often all my mother's family lives far away, but whenever I see her, it's like she can read my mind or something. For example, once, she talked to me because she had the impression I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform in school and that I was maybe taking a career path that made me unhappy, and I am just wondering how could she have known that I was having panick attacks about school and forced myself to become something I didn't like?? Like how?? Shr always impressed me. So I'd say I'm close to her, but not as close as my sister is. But one thing I also like is that she's the only family member who respects my boundaries. Like, I really don't like hugs and all and she's the only one who respects me, and that's really nice of her.

Yes, definitely freeing. Yes, I definitely feel like I'm not hiding something anymore and authentic. I talked to my dad before about that, and he's the one that truly made me realize I was just in a loop of doing things that didn't make me happy anymore, and we had a great conversation and without this conversation I'd probably be still in that "loop". (It's a bit funny now that I rethink about it, it all started because I watched a stranger things episode and the pool was overflowing (last part isn't that funny now that I truly think about it)).

Things with my mon has been normal, which translates to not really talking to each other and when we so it's a bit awkward. We used to have a good relationship, but it got destroyed mainly because last year I was having severe panick attacks almost everyday and now that I rethink about it I was probably in depression (I'm nkt claiming anything and there's a high chance I wasn't) (I swear I'm nkt joking about mental illness) and I didn't really want to live (I wasn't suicidal), and instead of "caring" like she did with my sister and brother (who both went to therapy), she was always mad at me, saying I was dramatic and other things, and yelling happened quite a few times. And I was overworking myself a lot, like I studied for a lot of hours everyday and all, and she just thought I was kinda obsessed and narcissistic, I think. 

Got off track again... I did ask my dad about it, but he took 10 minutes to answer "No, it was probably just shock, we wish for what makes tou happy" but I could hear them whispering and they are really loud people so I think she might have been hurt by it.

Yeah, there was definitely a big shift... I'm handling it okay, I'm a bit used to it by now. 

There is something I would like to talk about, too, that I've said to Best friend 2 two times, but it's just starting to weight a bit.

There is also something else that I've learned, I think a couple of months ago, about my mom's childhood ( I knew she was being abused but I didn't know what exactly happened) and it's just a bit weighting, now that I know that thing, and it's creepy. And I kinda learned that he managed to find us, and from what I know, he a bit spied on us? Cause apparently now he knows how much we've grown, us three kids? Anyway, it's just so weird and I'd like to talk a bit about that.

There's also a third thing I'd like to talk about, and it's a bit linked with dealing with Bestfriend 2's mental health, Best friend 1's, my brother, my sister, their conflict, and sometimes my parents, and I know it might seem weird but it's starting to just feel suffocating, especially as I am always in the middle of it. And it would be nice for them not to always see me as their therapist, and disregard any trouble I could have (I don't know, but for some of them, they seem to think I have absolutely no problems, and when I tried to tell one of them if they coukd solve their problems woth the other person directly, and how uncomfortable my situation was in every conflict, they said I was shutting them down and disregard me. But the second they had a problem with that person, and that they solved it without me, I remeber them spending hours arguing and trying to find a middle ground. The person I was with that day that was in the conflict had hated it, and said it was frustrating, hard, time consuming, nerve wracking and was extremely emotionally distraught, and I just wish they understood that that's what I feel everytime I'm in the middle, especially if it's once every two days).

Went off track again... sorry for getting so carried...

Thank you for sitting through this confusing thing that is my message.

Beluga

Heyy @Flooo, Luie here, I just wanted to check with you whether you want to speak about this with me as @Aurora will return on Tuesday. No pressure at all, just some of the topics seemed a bit pressing so thought I'd ask  (Also, if you want to move any of this conversation 1-1 on confidential support, please do let me know as well)

[Aurora]

On 7/28/2024 at 1:30 AM, Flooo said:

Hi!

Thank you. Yes, it's kinda tough... My brother told me I was an NPC and gave me a talk on how to be a more interesting person, and my mother said I was pathethic. Thank you

Yeah, I was hoping that she would more try to understand how I felt. It was disappointing, yes. Yes, she doesn't truly know how it feels, because everyone always liked her and she was popular and still is now, even though she isn't in the popular people group. But sometimes, it's a bit sad, because everyone in my school thinks I'm her, even the teachers, so often they'll talk to me and call me Flavie and everytime I need to tell them I'm not her. I thought it would be something she could relate too, since we're twins, but no one has confused her with me for years? I was abut surprised by that. And, also, I was a part of an activity about trivia knowledge, and I went there every week at my school, but even though my sister only went three times, people would confuse me for her. I get that we're similar, but for a whole year of taking attendance I thought they'd know who I am. But something that I felt sad about was that instead of asking me my name to put on the sheet, they'd just put a blank space and mark points, so I was the blank space all year. I know it's  bit overreacting but I just felt sad about that. 

I kinda got off track... Talking to Best friend 2 would be a good idea. Since she tells me a lot of stuff (she's in a weird family and she often tells me stuff about that or I help her through panic attacks like I did when she was in depression this year), I think I could talk to her too. Yes, we're a lot similar

I don't see my aunt often all my mother's family lives far away, but whenever I see her, it's like she can read my mind or something. For example, once, she talked to me because she had the impression I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform in school and that I was maybe taking a career path that made me unhappy, and I am just wondering how could she have known that I was having panick attacks about school and forced myself to become something I didn't like?? Like how?? Shr always impressed me. So I'd say I'm close to her, but not as close as my sister is. But one thing I also like is that she's the only family member who respects my boundaries. Like, I really don't like hugs and all and she's the only one who respects me, and that's really nice of her.

Yes, definitely freeing. Yes, I definitely feel like I'm not hiding something anymore and authentic. I talked to my dad before about that, and he's the one that truly made me realize I was just in a loop of doing things that didn't make me happy anymore, and we had a great conversation and without this conversation I'd probably be still in that "loop". (It's a bit funny now that I rethink about it, it all started because I watched a stranger things episode and the pool was overflowing (last part isn't that funny now that I truly think about it)).

Things with my mon has been normal, which translates to not really talking to each other and when we so it's a bit awkward. We used to have a good relationship, but it got destroyed mainly because last year I was having severe panick attacks almost everyday and now that I rethink about it I was probably in depression (I'm nkt claiming anything and there's a high chance I wasn't) (I swear I'm nkt joking about mental illness) and I didn't really want to live (I wasn't suicidal), and instead of "caring" like she did with my sister and brother (who both went to therapy), she was always mad at me, saying I was dramatic and other things, and yelling happened quite a few times. And I was overworking myself a lot, like I studied for a lot of hours everyday and all, and she just thought I was kinda obsessed and narcissistic, I think. 

Got off track again... I did ask my dad about it, but he took 10 minutes to answer "No, it was probably just shock, we wish for what makes tou happy" but I could hear them whispering and they are really loud people so I think she might have been hurt by it.

Yeah, there was definitely a big shift... I'm handling it okay, I'm a bit used to it by now. 

There is something I would like to talk about, too, that I've said to Best friend 2 two times, but it's just starting to weight a bit.

There is also something else that I've learned, I think a couple of months ago, about my mom's childhood ( I knew she was being abused but I didn't know what exactly happened) and it's just a bit weighting, now that I know that thing, and it's creepy. And I kinda learned that he managed to find us, and from what I know, he a bit spied on us? Cause apparently now he knows how much we've grown, us three kids? Anyway, it's just so weird and I'd like to talk a bit about that.

There's also a third thing I'd like to talk about, and it's a bit linked with dealing with Bestfriend 2's mental health, Best friend 1's, my brother, my sister, their conflict, and sometimes my parents, and I know it might seem weird but it's starting to just feel suffocating, especially as I am always in the middle of it. And it would be nice for them not to always see me as their therapist, and disregard any trouble I could have (I don't know, but for some of them, they seem to think I have absolutely no problems, and when I tried to tell one of them if they coukd solve their problems woth the other person directly, and how uncomfortable my situation was in every conflict, they said I was shutting them down and disregard me. But the second they had a problem with that person, and that they solved it without me, I remeber them spending hours arguing and trying to find a middle ground. The person I was with that day that was in the conflict had hated it, and said it was frustrating, hard, time consuming, nerve wracking and was extremely emotionally distraught, and I just wish they understood that that's what I feel everytime I'm in the middle, especially if it's once every two days).

Went off track again... sorry for getting so carried...

Thank you for sitting through this confusing thing that is my message.

Beluga

Hi @Flooo,

I'm back online. It sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on at the moment. Before I reply, I just wanted to check, whether you would prefer to talk about some of the things on confidential support, like @Luie suggested? If you would prefer that, then you can either send us a confidential support request here https://forums.ditchthelabel.org/support or you can let me know and I can set it up and send you a message to get us started.  Please don't feel you have to though, we can also continue talking here- whatever you are most comfortable with 

Beluga for now 

[Flooo]

Hi!

Sorry for late answer, I was really busy this week and didn't see the messages...

A lot of the things I mentioned are things that happened a while ago, but I never fully processed, if I can say it like that? So not a lot of stuff is happening right now and it's completely fine. 

I don't really feel the need to? I'm more comfortable here and I swear that nothing right now is really happening, it's mostly past things. 

And I swear nothing bad really happened, I was just so sketchy it sounded way worse.

I sound really confusing

Beluga for now

[Aurora]

On 8/6/2024 at 12:40 AM, Flooo said:

Hi!

Sorry for late answer, I was really busy this week and didn't see the messages...

A lot of the things I mentioned are things that happened a while ago, but I never fully processed, if I can say it like that? So not a lot of stuff is happening right now and it's completely fine. 

I don't really feel the need to? I'm more comfortable here and I swear that nothing right now is really happening, it's mostly past things. 

And I swear nothing bad really happened, I was just so sketchy it sounded way worse.

I sound really confusing

Beluga for now

Hi @Flooo, 

Thanks for letting me know that you're more comfortable here. That's absolutely fine - this is your space and whatever you feel most comfortable with, works for us I know what you mean about things happening in the past and never fully processing them. I'm glad you feel like you can bring up stuff like that here with us. Have you ever thought about talking to someone else about some of the things you mentioned? For example a school counsellor? Don't feel you have to but I thought I would mention it in case it's not something you've considered. Sometimes it can be really helpful to have a safe space where we can talk about some of the things that we feel we haven't fully processed yet. 

On 7/28/2024 at 1:30 AM, Flooo said:

Hi!

Thank you. Yes, it's kinda tough... My brother told me I was an NPC and gave me a talk on how to be a more interesting person, and my mother said I was pathethic. Thank you

Yeah, I was hoping that she would more try to understand how I felt. It was disappointing, yes. Yes, she doesn't truly know how it feels, because everyone always liked her and she was popular and still is now, even though she isn't in the popular people group. But sometimes, it's a bit sad, because everyone in my school thinks I'm her, even the teachers, so often they'll talk to me and call me Flavie and everytime I need to tell them I'm not her. I thought it would be something she could relate too, since we're twins, but no one has confused her with me for years? I was abut surprised by that. And, also, I was a part of an activity about trivia knowledge, and I went there every week at my school, but even though my sister only went three times, people would confuse me for her. I get that we're similar, but for a whole year of taking attendance I thought they'd know who I am. But something that I felt sad about was that instead of asking me my name to put on the sheet, they'd just put a blank space and mark points, so I was the blank space all year. I know it's  bit overreacting but I just felt sad about that. 

I kinda got off track... Talking to Best friend 2 would be a good idea. Since she tells me a lot of stuff (she's in a weird family and she often tells me stuff about that or I help her through panic attacks like I did when she was in depression this year), I think I could talk to her too. Yes, we're a lot similar

I don't see my aunt often all my mother's family lives far away, but whenever I see her, it's like she can read my mind or something. For example, once, she talked to me because she had the impression I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform in school and that I was maybe taking a career path that made me unhappy, and I am just wondering how could she have known that I was having panick attacks about school and forced myself to become something I didn't like?? Like how?? Shr always impressed me. So I'd say I'm close to her, but not as close as my sister is. But one thing I also like is that she's the only family member who respects my boundaries. Like, I really don't like hugs and all and she's the only one who respects me, and that's really nice of her.

Yes, definitely freeing. Yes, I definitely feel like I'm not hiding something anymore and authentic. I talked to my dad before about that, and he's the one that truly made me realize I was just in a loop of doing things that didn't make me happy anymore, and we had a great conversation and without this conversation I'd probably be still in that "loop". (It's a bit funny now that I rethink about it, it all started because I watched a stranger things episode and the pool was overflowing (last part isn't that funny now that I truly think about it)).

Things with my mon has been normal, which translates to not really talking to each other and when we so it's a bit awkward. We used to have a good relationship, but it got destroyed mainly because last year I was having severe panick attacks almost everyday and now that I rethink about it I was probably in depression (I'm nkt claiming anything and there's a high chance I wasn't) (I swear I'm nkt joking about mental illness) and I didn't really want to live (I wasn't suicidal), and instead of "caring" like she did with my sister and brother (who both went to therapy), she was always mad at me, saying I was dramatic and other things, and yelling happened quite a few times. And I was overworking myself a lot, like I studied for a lot of hours everyday and all, and she just thought I was kinda obsessed and narcissistic, I think. 

Got off track again... I did ask my dad about it, but he took 10 minutes to answer "No, it was probably just shock, we wish for what makes tou happy" but I could hear them whispering and they are really loud people so I think she might have been hurt by it.

Yeah, there was definitely a big shift... I'm handling it okay, I'm a bit used to it by now. 

There is something I would like to talk about, too, that I've said to Best friend 2 two times, but it's just starting to weight a bit.

There is also something else that I've learned, I think a couple of months ago, about my mom's childhood ( I knew she was being abused but I didn't know what exactly happened) and it's just a bit weighting, now that I know that thing, and it's creepy. And I kinda learned that he managed to find us, and from what I know, he a bit spied on us? Cause apparently now he knows how much we've grown, us three kids? Anyway, it's just so weird and I'd like to talk a bit about that.

There's also a third thing I'd like to talk about, and it's a bit linked with dealing with Bestfriend 2's mental health, Best friend 1's, my brother, my sister, their conflict, and sometimes my parents, and I know it might seem weird but it's starting to just feel suffocating, especially as I am always in the middle of it. And it would be nice for them not to always see me as their therapist, and disregard any trouble I could have (I don't know, but for some of them, they seem to think I have absolutely no problems, and when I tried to tell one of them if they coukd solve their problems woth the other person directly, and how uncomfortable my situation was in every conflict, they said I was shutting them down and disregard me. But the second they had a problem with that person, and that they solved it without me, I remeber them spending hours arguing and trying to find a middle ground. The person I was with that day that was in the conflict had hated it, and said it was frustrating, hard, time consuming, nerve wracking and was extremely emotionally distraught, and I just wish they understood that that's what I feel everytime I'm in the middle, especially if it's once every two days).

Went off track again... sorry for getting so carried...

Thank you for sitting through this confusing thing that is my message.

Beluga

Thanks so much for explaining, why you're not as close to your mom as you used to be. I can totally understand why that is. It sounds to me like you were really struggling with your mental health and your mom wasn't being very supportive.  Is that fair to say? That must have been tough, especially as it sounds like she had been very understanding towards your siblings, when they were struggling. Do you know, why that might be? Did you get any support from anyone else during that time? Also, can I ask, what helped you with your panic attacks? Is that something you still experience now? 

Please don't apologise for saying that you think that you may have been experiencing depression during that time. Sometimes it is something that we only realise later on, once we look back and reflect on how we were feeling. I was in no way thinking you were talking about mental health lightly or joking about it. I get the impression that you are a very thoughtful and reflective person and if you feel like you were struggling with depression during that time, then there is a good chance that that may have been the case.  Can I ask if you sought out any professional help during that time (like counselling)? 

How have things been with your family recently and also with Bestfriend 2? You mentioned that they treat you a bit like a therapist and that you're often the person in the middle when there are arguments. That does sound exhausting. Especially if they don't seem to understand, when you try and explain to them, what it's like for you.  You also mentioned that it can be suffocating and I get the impression that it is affecting you and your own happiness. Would you agree?  Can you think of anything that would be helpful right now? Is it that you would prefer for them to figure things out without you, that you can talk to them about your own problems more or anything else that I haven't mentioned yet? The reason why I am asking this is so we can maybe figure out a way together on how you can best deal with this situation. How does that sound? 

Thank you as well for opening up about what happened to your mom and that the person managed to find your family and spy on you. That must have been very scary to hear. Do you mind me asking, how you found out? Did your parents talk about it and do you all feel safe, with him knowing where you live? I realise that this might not be easy to talk about but we are here for you if you want to talk about it some more . 

Beluga for now 

[Flooo]

Hi!

I thought about talking to someone about it, but the school counselor didn't work from experience, but I might go see someone (my twin is going to get a diagnosis and we both thought maybe after she's done, because that person is also some sort of therapist, I could talk to them)

Yeah, I guess that's fair to say. I think it might have been because when I was stressed would ask for example for my dad to help me study something and when they'd say no and that I would try to find a right time they would get angry and then I would be angry, and she really remembers me being angry. And we never really had a good relationship either. No, I didn't get support from anyone. What helped me is mostly journaling, and a technique that is like describing things around you. Yes, I still experience them, but not that often anymore, and it's mostly about social things now instead. 

Unfortunately, when I was given the opportunity by my twin I backed off last second, so I did not get help. I mostly just "solved" things on my own.

Things have been good, really. I'm celebrating my birthday with Bestfriend 2, and my primary school best friend and my other friend tomorrow, even though my birthday is in three days. And, I'm having the best summer I ever had, so that's also nice. There has been no problems, and I talked to them about it and they'll try to keep it in mind and they understood. So, really, it's fine. It did affect my own happiness. It was mostly them figuring out their own problems when it's between the two if them, and they understood. 

Thing is, I know practically nothing of what happened? The only thing I know is that he was abusing and that the reason my mom asked me to delete social media is cause that's how he knew how much we've grown. So he did not spy on us, and he doesn't know where any of us (including my mom's sister) live, so it's really fine, and there's nothing going on at all, we're all safe and it's fine really. But thanks for caring, it's nice if you. I found out when I also found out I had a great grandfather and that he died. And my mom just wanted to explain why shr was sad as she was close to him and was forbidden from going to the funeral because his family is on the abusive side. So she told us about it and also explained why we didn't have social media. So it's all fine and good.

Beluga for now

(do you mind me asking, but there is something I might want to talk about in my next message? I won't really answer for a week because there's all my friends' birthday in the same week as mine and I'm going to my grandparents and mostly prepping for back to school)

[Aurora]

On 8/11/2024 at 5:08 PM, Flooo said:

Hi!

I thought about talking to someone about it, but the school counselor didn't work from experience, but I might go see someone (my twin is going to get a diagnosis and we both thought maybe after she's done, because that person is also some sort of therapist, I could talk to them)

Yeah, I guess that's fair to say. I think it might have been because when I was stressed would ask for example for my dad to help me study something and when they'd say no and that I would try to find a right time they would get angry and then I would be angry, and she really remembers me being angry. And we never really had a good relationship either. No, I didn't get support from anyone. What helped me is mostly journaling, and a technique that is like describing things around you. Yes, I still experience them, but not that often anymore, and it's mostly about social things now instead. 

Things have been good, really. I'm celebrating my birthday with Bestfriend 2, and my primary school best friend and my other friend tomorrow, even though my birthday is in three days. And, I'm having the best summer I ever had, so that's also nice. There has been no problems, and I talked to them about it and they'll try to keep it in mind and they understood. So, really, it's fine. It did affect my own happiness. It was mostly them figuring out their own problems when it's between the two if them, and they understood. 

Thing is, I know practically nothing of what happened? The only thing I know is that he was abusing and that the reason my mom asked me to delete social media is cause that's how he knew how much we've grown. So he did not spy on us, and he doesn't know where any of us (including my mom's sister) live, so it's really fine, and there's nothing going on at all, we're all safe and it's fine really. But thanks for caring, it's nice if you. I found out when I also found out I had a great grandfather and that he died. And my mom just wanted to explain why shr was sad as she was close to him and was forbidden from going to the funeral because his family is on the abusive side. So she told us about it and also explained why we didn't have social media. So it's all fine and good.

Beluga for now

(do you mind me asking, but there is something I might want to talk about in my next message? I won't really answer for a week because there's all my friends' birthday in the same week as mine and I'm going to my grandparents and mostly prepping for back to school)

Hi @Flooo,

It's always lovely to hear from you. Thanks for letting me know that you won't be able to answer this week as you have lots of birthdays to celebrate - including your own ! How exciting is that? I won't say Happy Birthday yet as your birthday isn't until tomorrow but I hope the four of you had a great time celebrating your birthdays yesterday . Did you have a party or was it just the four of you?

Of course, you are very welcome to talk about anything you like here. This is your space and whatever you would like to share with us, we are here for you and we're here to listen 

I'm glad to hear that you and your family are safe. Nevertheless, it sounds like a difficult situation for all of you and I can understand why this has been unsettling for you. Would you like to talk about how this has been for you some more? No pressure of course, only if you think it would be helpful. 

Thank you for sharing with me that you've never really had a good relationship with your Mom. That must be tough. Would you like it if you were closer? I'm just wondering, do you and your Mom ever do something together, just the two of you? If not, how would you feel, suggesting that to your Mom? Maybe you could do something fun together, where you don't talk about difficult topics but just try to enjoy yourselves. Sometimes, spending one on one time together, without the rest of the family around can make a big difference. What do you think? Also, do you mind me asking, how do you get on with your Dad in comparison?

I noticed that you mentioned the following

Quote

Unfortunately, when I was given the opportunity by my twin I backed off last second, so I did not get help. I mostly just "solved" things on my own.

Do you mind explaining a little bit more what happened? Again, no pressure, only if you feel comfortable to. Do you think it is likely that you will want to talk to a therapist? 

It's really great to hear that things generally have been going really well and that you have been having such an epic summer . Can I ask, what has made this summer extra special? I know you have been working on, being your true self and trusting yourself more - do you think that this is also contributing to you feeling like this? I hope so 

I hope you have an amazing birthday tomorrow with lots of lovely surprises 

Beluga for now 

 

[Flooo]

Hi!

I'm finally having some free time!

This week was busy 

Anyway 

Thank you! Yes, it was just the four of us. We have a little slumber party together, and it was fun. 

It is kinda unsettling, mostly it just feels weird, but I don't know a lot about the situation, sonI just mentioned everything I knew already. So there isn't really anything left to say.

Being closer would be better. It is kinda tough, because she treats my siblings differently than she treats me, and I don't think she's aware of it. We never do something together, at all. One thing we both like are board games, but she likes to play some for fun whereas I prefer to play it for strategy and mind puzzles, so often when we play together we have verybdifferent strategies and it ends up a bit weird. But I am gonna think about some activity we could do. On comparison, my dad an I often solve math problems together, and he just doesn't disregard me, if I could say? When I was a kid, he would ask me how I felt about things after an argument, and he's thebonky on who did that. My mom would go to me ans tell me she coukd see I had my own problems and I was suppressing them and she woukd just day that I can be heard and all those things, but the next day when I had a problem, she would do nothing of what she said. I saw it back then as an empty problems and I just don't talk to her about problems since, but I sometimes do with my dad.

One thing that is a bit weird in my opinion, is that they a bit treat introversion as a mental illness? Like they also me if there's a way to "cure" it or something? Because they don't like that I'm introverted, and I sometimes have pancake attacks about social situations, and they think I'm overreacting and just anti-social.

Okay so I was proposed by my sister that I could go see the school counselor. I mean, she kinda forced me to go there, and U was really pressured that I thought about it the whole day, and was really stressed. So, at the last second, I told her I woukd not even though she kept insisting. It was the only time I might've gotten help, so that's why I mentioned it. This was the old school counselor, who was better than the one this year, sho did some things that infuriates my sister and Bestfriend 2. It's not like that I will talk to a therapist, because my sister already goes to one, and my mom searched for a while just to get one to my sister; and she needs it more than me (since she might have OCD). But my mom does think I have some sort of rapid learning thing which she would like me to maybe get diagnosed, or she thinks I might have anxiety, so I might see a therapist but the closest woukd be in like a couple of years.

One reason is that I'm having a new interest which is quantum physics and I've been learning a lot of things about it, and I've be developing new interests and all, and I used to be bored mainly because of no brainactivity, but now I can kearney some science things ir follow the math course I'm following. Also, we don't do lot of things this summer, so it's fun  because I like to stay home, even though I am busy a lot this august. I also found my style and died my hair, and evrydsy I have a lottle calm moment that is really nice and that I can do for a little nice calm time. And, also being my true self does help more. I came back from a birthday party a two days ago and it was really fun vecayse I was myself and I coukd sense that it was way less tiring then putting on a mask.

Thank you!!!

Okay so here I am gonna talk about what has been bothering me for a while.

Well the thing is is that I've been getting better at saying no to things and at stating my opinion, but whenever it's something social related, I have trouble giving an opinion. Now I know it sounds sketchy so here is an example:

So, I needed to go to a slumber party with Bestfriend 2. But, the hour that I was supposed to arrive at was 4 PM. I was really socially drained that day so the hour was fine since it was later than usual. But, she was passing near my house at 8 am. So, in the group chat, she asked if we wanted to go sooner. I didn't want to and my twin was nkt ready, so I could've easily said No, thanks for the offer though since it's nice of her. But I panicked and froze because I just could not say no to my friend, for a reason I have no idea why. So (and I'm pretty ashamed of it) I ignored the message, hoping she would just not show up to my house, but she did and it was really awkward. I know it is completely my fault, and then she felt like it was her fault and I was just so mad at myself. Because I could've easily said no and skip an embarrassing conversation. But I just froze and I just could not say no, for whatever stupid reason. It's really annoying because it only happens with Bestfriend 2 and it's frustrating fir everyone, especially my friends.

Okay so that's it

I'm going g back to school tomorrow (which is kinda why I was absent for more than two weeks because of all the bak to school and my brother going to Cegep and all) so sorry in advance for the lateness next week

*Sorry for typos if there are some I didn't double check*

Beluga for now

[Aurora]

11 hours ago, Flooo said:

Hi!

I'm finally having some free time!

This week was busy 

Anyway 

Thank you! Yes, it was just the four of us. We have a little slumber party together, and it was fun. 

It is kinda unsettling, mostly it just feels weird, but I don't know a lot about the situation, sonI just mentioned everything I knew already. So there isn't really anything left to say.

Being closer would be better. It is kinda tough, because she treats my siblings differently than she treats me, and I don't think she's aware of it. We never do something together, at all. One thing we both like are board games, but she likes to play some for fun whereas I prefer to play it for strategy and mind puzzles, so often when we play together we have verybdifferent strategies and it ends up a bit weird. But I am gonna think about some activity we could do. On comparison, my dad an I often solve math problems together, and he just doesn't disregard me, if I could say? When I was a kid, he would ask me how I felt about things after an argument, and he's thebonky on who did that. My mom would go to me ans tell me she coukd see I had my own problems and I was suppressing them and she woukd just day that I can be heard and all those things, but the next day when I had a problem, she would do nothing of what she said. I saw it back then as an empty problems and I just don't talk to her about problems since, but I sometimes do with my dad.

One thing that is a bit weird in my opinion, is that they a bit treat introversion as a mental illness? Like they also me if there's a way to "cure" it or something? Because they don't like that I'm introverted, and I sometimes have pancake attacks about social situations, and they think I'm overreacting and just anti-social.

Okay so I was proposed by my sister that I could go see the school counselor. I mean, she kinda forced me to go there, and U was really pressured that I thought about it the whole day, and was really stressed. So, at the last second, I told her I woukd not even though she kept insisting. It was the only time I might've gotten help, so that's why I mentioned it. This was the old school counselor, who was better than the one this year, sho did some things that infuriates my sister and Bestfriend 2. It's not like that I will talk to a therapist, because my sister already goes to one, and my mom searched for a while just to get one to my sister; and she needs it more than me (since she might have OCD). But my mom does think I have some sort of rapid learning thing which she would like me to maybe get diagnosed, or she thinks I might have anxiety, so I might see a therapist but the closest woukd be in like a couple of years.

One reason is that I'm having a new interest which is quantum physics and I've been learning a lot of things about it, and I've be developing new interests and all, and I used to be bored mainly because of no brainactivity, but now I can kearney some science things ir follow the math course I'm following. Also, we don't do lot of things this summer, so it's fun  because I like to stay home, even though I am busy a lot this august. I also found my style and died my hair, and evrydsy I have a lottle calm moment that is really nice and that I can do for a little nice calm time. And, also being my true self does help more. I came back from a birthday party a two days ago and it was really fun vecayse I was myself and I coukd sense that it was way less tiring then putting on a mask.

Thank you!!!

Okay so here I am gonna talk about what has been bothering me for a while.

Well the thing is is that I've been getting better at saying no to things and at stating my opinion, but whenever it's something social related, I have trouble giving an opinion. Now I know it sounds sketchy so here is an example:

So, I needed to go to a slumber party with Bestfriend 2. But, the hour that I was supposed to arrive at was 4 PM. I was really socially drained that day so the hour was fine since it was later than usual. But, she was passing near my house at 8 am. So, in the group chat, she asked if we wanted to go sooner. I didn't want to and my twin was nkt ready, so I could've easily said No, thanks for the offer though since it's nice of her. But I panicked and froze because I just could not say no to my friend, for a reason I have no idea why. So (and I'm pretty ashamed of it) I ignored the message, hoping she would just not show up to my house, but she did and it was really awkward. I know it is completely my fault, and then she felt like it was her fault and I was just so mad at myself. Because I could've easily said no and skip an embarrassing conversation. But I just froze and I just could not say no, for whatever stupid reason. It's really annoying because it only happens with Bestfriend 2 and it's frustrating fir everyone, especially my friends.

Okay so that's it

I'm going g back to school tomorrow (which is kinda why I was absent for more than two weeks because of all the bak to school and my brother going to Cegep and all) so sorry in advance for the lateness next week

*Sorry for typos if there are some I didn't double check*

Beluga for now

 

Hi @Flooo, it's lovely to hear from you 

Your slumber party sounds fun! Did you do anything nice on your actual birthday, too ? 

Thank you for explaining your relationship with your mom and dad a bit more. It sounds like you are closer to your Dad and that the two of you have more in common. Is that fair to say? It's nice that you can open up to him about some things and that he checks in with you now and then. I can understand why things are more difficult with your mom though. It must be hard that she treats you differently to your siblings and it's interesting that you don't think that she is aware of it. Do you think it would be worth trying to talk to her about it? How do you think she might react if you told her? 

That's great that you are open to the idea of doing something together with your mom. Just the two of you. Maybe not playing games though . It might be a good way for the two of you to connect with each other, without everyone else around. Can you think of something the two of you might both enjoy? Also, what do you think your mom will say if you ask her if the two of you can spend some time together?

I noticed what you said about your family thinking about introversion. Is the rest of your family quite extroverted? I'm wondering whether they don't know much about what it means to be an introvert. Do you think it would be helpful to educate them and is this something they would be open to? Maybe you could share an article with them that explains a bit more about introverts. Would that work, do you think? If you like I can suggest a few that you might find helpful. 

I also noticed that you mentioned that you sometimes have panic attacks over social situations. I'm sorry to hear that . That must be really tough for you to deal with, especially if no one else around you can relate (and it doesn't sound like they can - is that right?). You also said that your mom thinks you might have anxiety. What do you think? Do you think you might have anxiety? And if so, is that what you would like some support with it? You mentioned having to wait at least two years for therapy. That is a very long time. I am wondering if there is a way of getting you some support a bit quicker than that. Do you mind explaining again, why you would have to wait two years? I don't think I quite understood. This might help me to think of other ways you could get support if that would be useful for you? 

I do get though why you decided not to see the school counsellor in the end. It sounds like you felt a lot of pressure to do something that you weren't ready to. Is that right? I'm wondering as well, whether having to meet someone new for the first time that you are then supposed to open up to, made it more difficult for you. You have mentioned a few times now, that you struggle with certain social situations and I am wondering, whether this was one of them. What do you think? I’m sorry to hear that the school counsellor this year isn't as good as she did some things that infuriated your sister and bestfriend 2. Have you met this year's school counsellor? What was your impression of them? The reason why I am asking is, because you might find that you don’t have the same problems with them as your personality is very different to your sisters. This might of course not be the case, it's just a thought I had....

Amazing that you have been teaching yourself quantum physics over the holidays .  That is really impressive and I can see why your mom might think that you have special learning skills !  I'm not quite sure I know what you mean by some sort of rapid learning thing. Is that something your school could do an assessment for? 

Thanks as well for opening up about what has been on your mind for a while. First of all, it is really great to hear that you have been getting better at saying no and stating your opinion. That's brilliant! I’m very proud of you and I hope you are proud of yourself, too! Do you find that it's getting easier for you, the more often you do it?

It's OK if you're still struggling to say 'no' in social situations. When we are learning a new skill it takes time to develop this and I find it helps to break it down into small steps and practice one step at a time. How does that sound? You're already really good at reflecting on a situation, realising what has happened and how that has made you (and others around you) feel. Do you think it would help if we break down the scenario you mentioned and then think about what the first small step could be for next time. For example the scenario you explained could be broken into:

You had prepared yourself for the slumber party to start at 4pm and that suited you well

Your friend messaged in a group chat to ask if you could come over earlier but this didn't suit you or your sister (as she wasn't ready yet)

Neither you or your sister replied (is that right?)

Your friend then came over to ask you but that made everything even more awkward as you then had to tell her in person that you couldn't come over earlier (again, did I get that right?) 

Afterwards you felt bad and you thought that your friend felt bad, too - did you get the impression that she was annoyed that you couldn’t come earlier or did she not mind? Also, did you and your friend talk about what had happened and why you both thought it was your fault?  I’m just wondering if your friend knows that you find saying ‘no’ to her very difficult. 

The way you described the situation, I get the impression that you think that the best solution would have been if you had replied to her message straight away. However, at the time you didn't feel like you could say 'no' to your friend. And that's fine - it is not easy saying no to our friends and it really does need some practice. Can you think of anything else you could have done instead, when you first got her message? Alternatively, can you think of anything that would help you to feel more confident to say 'no' in a message? What has helped you to say no in other scenarios? What would the first step be toward saying 'no'? Please don't feel you have to answer all these questions. They are all just ideas to help us break this down a bit more and you can just pick out the question/s that feel/s most helpful to you. 

Also, please do let me know if there is something in particular where you feel you need some support with eg do you not know what to write in these situations, is it certain thoughts that are getting in your way, does your mind go blank or is it something else that’s getting in the way? Also, please do let me know if none of this is useful and we can think of a different way forward together. Whatever works best for you - here for you.

I realise that this has been a very long reply. Please don't feel like you have to reply back to everything. You can just pick out the bits you would find most helpful to talk about . And do let me know if there is something that doesn't make sense. 

Beluga for now 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Flooo]

Hi!

Sorry for not answering but I was really busy with school

I already have an exam

Yes, we went to the aquarium and it was fun

I tried subtly telling her in the past, and she went really defensive. I don't think it qoukd do anything to be honest, but she did realize it a bit after my sister kind of told her about it, so it's still better.

One thing we both like is cooking (even though I'm bad at it) and since this year my mom needs my help on thousand since my dad is coaching football, than I guess it could be a little activity.

Yes, my whole family is extroverted. We are only two introverts (which is me and my cousin) and we get along well because he likes astrophysics and I like quantum mechanics and we often have a comfortable sort of silent presence, which my family doesn't get. They don't understand that we get tired from social situations and need to recharge, and they think it's just being sad and that we can get over it. Yes  that would be nice. A lot of the times my sister who is outspoken tried to explain to them introversion on my behalf but I think that an article will make them realize that it's not made up.

No, they can't relate at all. I also have some for change if plans or just if things are too loud or uncomfortable, and they don't get that either. I have been having them for a really young age, I just didn't know what they were called. I think that I do have stress reactions toward stuff that normale people have, but I did quite a lot fo research about it and consulted Bestfriend 2 (who has anxiety) and I don't think it's me. Yes, I do have some panic attacks, but I don't think I have anxiety. It didn't really describe me, if it makes sense. So I would not want support with it, but I also think that I am not "normal" mental wise (my wording is great today). The thing is that, first of all with my teeth treatment, my trip, my school anf my sister diagnosis care really expensive, and just things in general are expensive those last years and also the fact that my mom's salary is not sufficient so we kinda rely on my father, we just don't have enough money for another child. So, with all the expensive stuff being done it ~~2years, and also the fact that therapist are super rare in my region, especially ones who deal with those kind of stuff (because most are about separation and all) then the onky one avail are is my sister's, and ger diagnosis ends in 2 years. 

Yes, I did feel pressured. Yes, it was definitely one if them, since I had a nervous breakdown about it. Sadly, it's the same counselor, so it's an option I crossed. 

So it's basically not really translate-abke from my native language so I'll just explain it. Well, it's like you learn things fatser than average, and it's some sort of genius-learnjng thing. I don't think I have it, especially all I do is just teach myself science and math, but because I learned a language in a year (it was english) and I am better than most people of my class, than she thinks I'm some sort of fast learning person. And it doesn't help that I am top of my class, which she kind of used as an example. But the main reason I got those grades is because I was obsessive and I literally just studied. And I'm not kidding, I did it all day and neglected so much. 

Thank you! Yes, it definitely got easier with time. Small steps seems like a good idea, especially since I often see things bigger than they actually are. Yes, it would really help. Thank you for doing those little steps (yes it is right, sadly) (yes, you got that right too)  She often puts stuff on her even when it's other people fault too, so she felt guilty. So it was like a rabbit hole of two people feeling guilty. But she doesn't know that saying no is difficult, only my sister does.

I feel like I could've calmed myself first instead of being stressed . One thing that would probably make me more comfortable is if I wasn't a people pleaser and if I wouldn't get panicked if plans got disrupted, so I guess I cohkd work on that. But even when I used to try to work on those aspects only people pleasing gkt a lik better. What helped me was definitely who I was with, as oddly is it seems. I kind of have a personnality for everyone, and I design it to be specifically what they would like, if tht makes sense. Since my twin has been around since forever, she's the only one I act like myself with. I guess I just need to stop have a "mask" (that's how I call it). 

The thing that happens mostly is that my mind goes blank and I don't know what to do, so I just do "flight" response, so I ignore the message for whatever reason. It's mostly because Best friend 2 is the person I have the strongest feeling of "If I am myself, then it does not work" especially since she is kind of really outspoken and she feels guilty about everything, so I kind of put it on myself to change up my whole identity to fit her needs. When we started being friends, I was myself, and I am kind of an honest (not in a mean way) person, and I just generally have a blank face because I am indifferent to most things, expect whatever thing interest me at the moment (I kind of spend hours on something that interests me everyday), but she thought she wasn't enough and she felt guilty, and also if you disagree with her she thinks that she is then completely wrong and will hate herself, which led her to have depression and suicidal thoughts, so I just rebranded myself to try to fit a passive personnality. I do that often.

But for whatever reason when we are texting I am myself, which some things like Oh you do that too? happen.

Also, when does kind of things happen, it just disrupts my plan so much. I just hate having my plan disputed. Each day has a plan, and with social ones, where all of my energy us spent on it, going earlier would just be a nightmare. So I panick and ignore it again.

It has happened a few times where she goes in her parents' car and she texts me that she is gonna pass soon, which stresse me because evry decisoj I make needs to be perfect and needs to be thought out, so it just stresses me more, since I need to make a decision fast.

My message was really long too

There is also something that I would like to talk about, but when I say that it's gonna sound weird, it's cause it will, especially since I have only talked about it to a few people. I have a document about it filled with reasons why I might be that instead of Anxiety, and I just hopes that it makes sense.

Beluga for now  

Sorry for late reply 

Edited September 14 by Flooo

[Aurora]

On 9/14/2024 at 4:16 PM, Flooo said:

Hi!

Sorry for not answering but I was really busy with school

I already have an exam

Yes, we went to the aquarium and it was fun

I tried subtly telling her in the past, and she went really defensive. I don't think it qoukd do anything to be honest, but she did realize it a bit after my sister kind of told her about it, so it's still better.

One thing we both like is cooking (even though I'm bad at it) and since this year my mom needs my help on thousand since my dad is coaching football, than I guess it could be a little activity.

Yes, my whole family is extroverted. We are only two introverts (which is me and my cousin) and we get along well because he likes astrophysics and I like quantum mechanics and we often have a comfortable sort of silent presence, which my family doesn't get. They don't understand that we get tired from social situations and need to recharge, and they think it's just being sad and that we can get over it. Yes  that would be nice. A lot of the times my sister who is outspoken tried to explain to them introversion on my behalf but I think that an article will make them realize that it's not made up.

No, they can't relate at all. I also have some for change if plans or just if things are too loud or uncomfortable, and they don't get that either. I have been having them for a really young age, I just didn't know what they were called. I think that I do have stress reactions toward stuff that normale people have, but I did quite a lot fo research about it and consulted Bestfriend 2 (who has anxiety) and I don't think it's me. Yes, I do have some panic attacks, but I don't think I have anxiety. It didn't really describe me, if it makes sense. So I would not want support with it, but I also think that I am not "normal" mental wise (my wording is great today). The thing is that, first of all with my teeth treatment, my trip, my school anf my sister diagnosis care really expensive, and just things in general are expensive those last years and also the fact that my mom's salary is not sufficient so we kinda rely on my father, we just don't have enough money for another child. So, with all the expensive stuff being done it ~~2years, and also the fact that therapist are super rare in my region, especially ones who deal with those kind of stuff (because most are about separation and all) then the onky one avail are is my sister's, and ger diagnosis ends in 2 years. 

Yes, I did feel pressured. Yes, it was definitely one if them, since I had a nervous breakdown about it. Sadly, it's the same counselor, so it's an option I crossed. 

So it's basically not really translate-abke from my native language so I'll just explain it. Well, it's like you learn things fatser than average, and it's some sort of genius-learnjng thing. I don't think I have it, especially all I do is just teach myself science and math, but because I learned a language in a year (it was english) and I am better than most people of my class, than she thinks I'm some sort of fast learning person. And it doesn't help that I am top of my class, which she kind of used as an example. But the main reason I got those grades is because I was obsessive and I literally just studied. And I'm not kidding, I did it all day and neglected so much. 

Thank you! Yes, it definitely got easier with time. Small steps seems like a good idea, especially since I often see things bigger than they actually are. Yes, it would really help. Thank you for doing those little steps (yes it is right, sadly) (yes, you got that right too)  She often puts stuff on her even when it's other people fault too, so she felt guilty. So it was like a rabbit hole of two people feeling guilty. But she doesn't know that saying no is difficult, only my sister does.

I feel like I could've calmed myself first instead of being stressed . One thing that would probably make me more comfortable is if I wasn't a people pleaser and if I wouldn't get panicked if plans got disrupted, so I guess I cohkd work on that. But even when I used to try to work on those aspects only people pleasing gkt a lik better. What helped me was definitely who I was with, as oddly is it seems. I kind of have a personnality for everyone, and I design it to be specifically what they would like, if tht makes sense. Since my twin has been around since forever, she's the only one I act like myself with. I guess I just need to stop have a "mask" (that's how I call it). 

The thing that happens mostly is that my mind goes blank and I don't know what to do, so I just do "flight" response, so I ignore the message for whatever reason. It's mostly because Best friend 2 is the person I have the strongest feeling of "If I am myself, then it does not work" especially since she is kind of really outspoken and she feels guilty about everything, so I kind of put it on myself to change up my whole identity to fit her needs. When we started being friends, I was myself, and I am kind of an honest (not in a mean way) person, and I just generally have a blank face because I am indifferent to most things, expect whatever thing interest me at the moment (I kind of spend hours on something that interests me everyday), but she thought she wasn't enough and she felt guilty, and also if you disagree with her she thinks that she is then completely wrong and will hate herself, which led her to have depression and suicidal thoughts, so I just rebranded myself to try to fit a passive personnality. I do that often.

But for whatever reason when we are texting I am myself, which some things like Oh you do that too? happen.

Also, when does kind of things happen, it just disrupts my plan so much. I just hate having my plan disputed. Each day has a plan, and with social ones, where all of my energy us spent on it, going earlier would just be a nightmare. So I panick and ignore it again.

It has happened a few times where she goes in her parents' car and she texts me that she is gonna pass soon, which stresse me because evry decisoj I make needs to be perfect and needs to be thought out, so it just stresses me more, since I need to make a decision fast.

My message was really long too

There is also something that I would like to talk about, but when I say that it's gonna sound weird, it's cause it will, especially since I have only talked about it to a few people. I have a document about it filled with reasons why I might be that instead of Anxiety, and I just hopes that it makes sense.

Beluga for now  

Sorry for late reply 

Hi @Flooo,

as always it's lovely to hear from you and no problem at all if you take your time with replying. This is your space and there is no pressure for you to get back to us straight away. 

School sounds busy at the moment. I hope your exam went well. Do you have more exams coming up? 

That's nice that you and your mom both enjoy cooking. Do you think that could be a regular thing that you could do together? My advice would be to just enjoy the time together, without feeling like you have to talk about any serious topics. Like this you might be able to connect more with your Mom and this might create a space, where you both feel comfortable. Often, when we create a space like this, we naturally start talking about things that are on our mind. How does that sound? 

You mentioned that it might be helpful to share an article with your family about Introverts. Here are a few that you might find helpful: https://www.verywellmind.com/things-you-didnt-know-about-introverts-4065384   https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/introversion or you might find some helpful articles here https://introvertdear.com/, like this one for example https://introvertdear.com/news/introverted-child-never-do/ or this one https://introvertdear.com/news/how-to-survive-high-school-according-to-a-teenage-introvert/ Please do let me know if this isn't what you had in mind and I can suggest some other articles for you instead. 

It does sound like it would be really helpful if your family had a better understanding of what it is like to be introverted and that might help with some of the other things, too. For example that you need a bit of down time and don't like to have too many social things scheduled in. I'm wondering, have you spoken to Bestfriend 2 about this, too? If not, do you think it might be helpful to explain to her that you are an introvert and what this means when you've arranged to meet up and what would make things easier for you? I think I can remember you mentioning that you have spoken about different personality types with her before so she might already know a lot of this but might just need reminding. What do you think?

Thank you for explaining why it isn't possible for you to access counselling or therapy right now. I know it can be expensive and I understand why this isn't an option right now. I also get why you don't want to see your school counsellor. Does the counsellor change every year (for the different year groups)? If you like, you could look into whether there are any organisations in your area, that offer free counselling. A lot of places do this, although it might be online. I don't know if this is something you would be interested in. 

I noticed that you said that you don't think you have anxiety. It sounds like you have done a lot of research into this and I do think that you know yourself best. And if you don't think it is that, then it probably isn't. You're very welcome to share what you think it might be but there is of course no pressure for you to share if you don't feel comfortable to. Also, like I have mentioned before. if you would prefer to talk about it confidentially, then you can send us a message on confidential support instead https://forums.ditchthelabel.org/support/

Did you find it helpful to break things down into smaller steps? This is what I do, when I am feeling overwhelemed or stressed by something and that usually seems to help me. And I know what you mean by things seeming bigger than they actually are. And even if it is a really big thing, by breaking it down into small steps, it usually feels doable. Would you agree?

It's really interesting what you said about rebranding yourself to fit in with your friends personality and I totally get why you do it. It is a really thoughtful thing of you to do, as it sounds like you are trying to protect your friend and protect her feelings. However, it also sounds like this makes things really difficult for you at times and I would imagine that your friend would prefer it if you could be more yourself around her. What do you think? One of the things you mentioned is that you can be yourself around your friend, when you are texting. What do you think is different there? Do you think you could maybe talk to her about some of the things over text (eg that when there are changes in plans it really stresses you out)? Would that work, do you think? 

I hope things quieten down at school soon and if you do have more exams coming up, then I hope they go really well.

Beluga for now 

 

 

 

[Flooo]

Hi!

I know it's been a while but going back to long study sessions was quite tiring

Yes, I have a math and spanish exam, but at least they are some of my best subject 

Yes, that could be a good idea. That sounds great, actually 

The articles are great, thank you! It's really nice of you 

Yes, I have spoken to Best friend 2 about it in the past, and her also being an introvert made us just understand each other better, especially what situations are more draining than others, and it's just way better than what we used to do (because we would push through social until we were too tired to socialise).

No, there is only one counselor for the whole school, Yeah, I could look into it. I don't really know a lot about my community because I don't really go out so there is a possibility I missed out on that

Yes, I did do some research and, even though I do relate to some of it, the whole thing in itself does not really resonate with me. I have been doing research for some time and I think there is a chance I might be autistic. Now, I know I don't really talk about struggles that could potentially be related to autism but after some research I find that it describes me well. Of course, I am not sure if I am, I am just considering the possibility of maybe being autistic. One thing that I did notice is that I often do something called masking, and I did a test called the CAT-Q which was recommended by a high masking autistic youtuber and score 142, which is higher than average. It leads me to think I might have hidden some trait growing up, especially social interaction wise. I do stim a lot, really, and I do experience hypersensitivity and hyposensitivity and having fixated routines and interests are just a daily thing for me. I know I sound like I am listing traits off a Google answer but I swear that I am just saying general information and that I have gotten more in depth and talked to autistic people too. 

I do know how serious claiming labels is, especially one that is neurodivergent, and I am aware of the importance of it, so I am not claiming that I'm autistic, far from that.

Yes, smaller steps were definitely helping. It definitely feels way more easy to do, thank you 

I agree with everything you wrote because it was spot on. I think, because I am not directly with her, then I don't see any behavior to copy, and I am also at my house so it is a less stressful area, so I think this coukd make texting easier. Yes, I coukd try to talk to her on text.

Thank you! Really need that exam motivation

Beluga for now  

[Aurora]

Hi @Flooo,

It's great  to hear from you and I hope your Spanish and Maths exam go really well.

I wanted to start off by saying how much I appreciate your thoughtful and insightful messages. I can tell that you spend a lot of time thinking about things that are important to you and I get the impression that you are keen to learn more about yourself and the way you interact with others around you. Is that right? 

How have things been wit h your Mum lately? Have you two found some time yet to do some cooking together? 

That's great that you found the articles helpful. Do let me know if you need anymore information on this or if you would like to think about how to best share the information with your family (if you haven't already done that). 

It's nice that you have been able to speak to Bestfriend 2 about it and that she understands you, as she is also an introvert. Do you think it might be helpful to remind yourself of this, when you next find yourself in a situation with your friend, where you either don't want to change your plans or you don't want her to just drop by, when she is driving past your house. It sounds like she would understand if you explained that it's to do with you feeling socially drained, rather than not wanting to see her.  What do you think?

That is a pity that you only have one counsellor for the whole school. I do find, for counselling to work best we have to feel comfortable with the counsellor so we can feel safe and supported. Do you think you might want to look into whether there are any services in your area that offer free counselling? Do let me know if you would like any help with that. 

Thank you for opening about your thoughts around you possibly being autistic. Please don't worry about not sounding genuine and that someone might think you're listing traits off a google answer. I can reassure you that this is in no way how I read your message.  Remember, you know yourself best and if some of the things you noticed about yourself, resonate with what you have read online, then it's probably a good idea to explore this further. Would you agree?  It sounds like you have done quite a lot of research already and it's really interesting what you mentioned about masking. Often autism can go unnoticed when someone is particularly good at masking their traits. I'm wondering, do you think it would be helpful for you to see if you can have a formal autism assessment to help you get some clarity. How would you feel about that? 

Good luck again for all your upcoming exams 

Beluga for now 

[Flooo]

 

Hi!

I know it's been a while (two weeks... )

I'm done with my exam session!! YAYyY

They went well (I got a 100 in Spanish and 97.5 in math)

Yes, that is right. Even though it's  abjt hard sometimes, it's the best thing to do.

It's been nice, especially since there's been no misunderstanding or conflict or anything! I have not found time to cook with her, mainly because I have been studying for the past weeks. But this weekend, I am free, so I'll do it then. 

I'm pretty sure that the next time they bring the subject around, I could show it to them. Since one of my relatives birthday is coming soon (don't know who) they're probably going to do to mandatory how to act at a birthday so I coukd show it then (I explain really bad but itxs truly the best time tk show them)

Yes, it would be helpful to remember, especially since I tend to forget . Yes, she would understand. I will try to day that next time that it happens. 

I will look into it, and I'll say what my research got me later (I'll update)

Okay, this is reassuring. Yes, I have been doing a lot of research lately about autism and asked questions to autistic people and also how the procedure is like to my autistic brother and all. I have a document with examples of how I might be autistic and I often notice things in my daily life that could be linked. Yes, I have been looking into some assessment, and my parents found out about it and told me they know where to go and all but we just need to save enough money to get a diagnosis.

I will probably update this later with my research and also how it went with my mom and also something else but I am really busy this week still because I have to learn a 4 minute flute piece and it has like 1/16th of a beat

Sorry for making you wait two weeks... 

Beluga for now

[Aurora]

On 10/15/2024 at 11:57 AM, Flooo said:

Hi!

I know it's been a while (two weeks... )

I'm done with my exam session!! YAYyY

They went well (I got a 100 in Spanish and 97.5 in math)

Yes, that is right. Even though it's  abjt hard sometimes, it's the best thing to do.

It's been nice, especially since there's been no misunderstanding or conflict or anything! I have not found time to cook with her, mainly because I have been studying for the past weeks. But this weekend, I am free, so I'll do it then. 

I'm pretty sure that the next time they bring the subject around, I could show it to them. Since one of my relatives birthday is coming soon (don't know who) they're probably going to do to mandatory how to act at a birthday so I coukd show it then (I explain really bad but itxs truly the best time tk show them)

Yes, it would be helpful to remember, especially since I tend to forget . Yes, she would understand. I will try to day that next time that it happens. 

I will look into it, and I'll say what my research got me later (I'll update)

Okay, this is reassuring. Yes, I have been doing a lot of research lately about autism and asked questions to autistic people and also how the procedure is like to my autistic brother and all. I have a document with examples of how I might be autistic and I often notice things in my daily life that could be linked. Yes, I have been looking into some assessment, and my parents found out about it and told me they know where to go and all but we just need to save enough money to get a diagnosis.

I will probably update this later with my research and also how it went with my mom and also something else but I am really busy this week still because I have to learn a 4 minute flute piece and it has like 1/16th of a beat

Sorry for making you wait two weeks... 

Beluga for now

 

Hi @Flooo

Please don't worry about not replying sooner. As you can see, it's taken me a few days to get back to you and I know what it's like when things are busy. Huge big congratulations on your exam results  . Sounds like you've done really well!! I'm assuming 100 is the best you can get. Is that right? 

I'm so pleased to hear that things have been good between you and your Mom and I hope you enjoy cooking together this weekend. Do you know what you'll make? 

That's a great idea to show them the articles when they talk to you about how to act at the birthday celebration of your relative. Hopefully this will help them to understand and will take some of the pressure away from you. If you like you can let me know how it went. No pressure of course.....

It sounds like your parents are supportive of you wanting to have an autism assessment. You mentioned before that your brother is autistic and I would imagine that they have probably done quite a lot of research into it themselves and have a good understanding of autism. Is that right? 

Please don't feel like you have to reply straight away and give me another update on your research and how it went with your mom if you're busy. I didn't realise that you play the flute. You seem to have lots of different talents   Are you practicing for a performance or something else? 

Beluga for now