I don't feel real

[Zach Cant Focus]

7 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Zach Cant Focus,

Considering how this is affecting your mental health, they might find a way to help you without involving your parents. Because they have to take what's best for you into account, and if it's going to have negative consequences for your health and well-being to involve your parents, they have to take this into consideration. You can for example ask to have a confidential chat and ask whether it's possible for teachers to refer to you as your name of preference? If for some reason they can't, there is usually a way to go around this, such as just calling you by your last name when they need to call you for example. What do you think of this?

I don't think that's possible under the law here unfortunately. I also have difficulty talking to adults (school counselors or parents) about my mental health because I find that they don't do anything about it and it's an unnecessary uncomfortable situation to be in.

[Aurora]

14 hours ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

I don't think that's possible under the law here unfortunately. I also have difficulty talking to adults (school counselors or parents) about my mental health because I find that they don't do anything about it and it's an unnecessary uncomfortable situation to be in.

I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds really frustrating and I can understand why you are reluctant to talk to someone. Do you mind me asking, is that something you experienced personally (that they don't do anything) or have you seen this happen to others? Also, can you think of a time where you spoke to an adult about a problem that wasn't related to your mental health and they helped you sort it out? 

[Zach Cant Focus]

22 minutes ago, Aurora said:

I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds really frustrating and I can understand why you are reluctant to talk to someone. Do you mind me asking, is that something you experienced personally (that they don't do anything) or have you seen this happen to others? Also, can you think of a time where you spoke to an adult about a problem that wasn't related to your mental health and they helped you sort it out? 

I was anonymously reported for self harm last year and I was brought into the counselors office and she said that she was going to call my parents and that she would help me after the break (it was right before spring break). That never happened

[Aurora]

2 minutes ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

I was anonymously reported for self harm last year and I was brought into the counselors office and she said that she was going to call my parents and that she would help me after the break (it was right before spring break). That never happened

I'm really sorry to hear that - I can understand why you would be upset by that. Do you mind me asking, if she did call your parents? If so, how did they react? Can you think of a reason why she never followed up with you after spring break? Would you have been happy to talk to her again if she had called you back into her office? 

[Zach Cant Focus]

13 minutes ago, Aurora said:

I'm really sorry to hear that - I can understand why you would be upset by that. Do you mind me asking, if she did call your parents? If so, how did they react? Can you think of a reason why she never followed up with you after spring break? Would you have been happy to talk to her again if she had called you back into her office? 

Yes she called them and she sent me home with an envelope that just had like some brochures in it pretty much that said "your teen's mental health is important! Call our counseling company". My parents my mom talked to me about it some and was kind of like "we'll get you some help" which didn't happen. Idk if I really wanted to go back more I just didn't want to feel forgotten

[Aurora]

23 hours ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

Yes she called them and she sent me home with an envelope that just had like some brochures in it pretty much that said "your teen's mental health is important! Call our counseling company". My parents my mom talked to me about it some and was kind of like "we'll get you some help" which didn't happen. Idk if I really wanted to go back more I just didn't want to feel forgotten

I totally get that and I'm really sorry that you've not had any support since then. I would like you to know that you are important, you matter and you deserve to get help when you need it.  I think it would be really helpful for the counsellor to get some feedback so this doesn't happen again. Do you think there is any way you could feed this back to her. I completely understand if you don't want to do this in person but maybe you could email her or speak to someone else so they can pass on a message. How would you feel about that? 

Also, do you mind me asking, how you feel about your parents saying that they will get you some help and then not getting you any help. Have they spoken to you about it since then? 

[Zach Cant Focus]

37 minutes ago, Aurora said:

I totally get that and I'm really sorry that you've not had any support since then. I would like you to know that you are important, you matter and you deserve to get help when you need it.  I think it would be really helpful for the counsellor to get some feedback so this doesn't happen again. Do you think there is any way you could feed this back to her. I completely understand if you don't want to do this in person but maybe you could email her or speak to someone else so they can pass on a message. How would you feel about that? 

Also, do you mind me asking, how you feel about your parents saying that they will get you some help and then not getting you any help. Have they spoken to you about it since then? 

I go to a different school now.

Yeah we spoke about it when my dad saw cuts on my leg. They said they would get me help which has not happened. It might be worth mentioning that they both are forgetful (both have ADHD diagnoses and my dad doesn't take his meds) so it probably wasn't coming from a place of lies just it slipping their minds which also doesn't feel good

[Aurora]

11 minutes ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

I go to a different school now.

Yeah we spoke about it when my dad saw cuts on my leg. They said they would get me help which has not happened. It might be worth mentioning that they both are forgetful (both have ADHD diagnoses and my dad doesn't take his meds) so it probably wasn't coming from a place of lies just it slipping their minds which also doesn't feel good

Thank you for explaining everything a bit more. I understand why it doesn't feel good. I'm wondering if it would be helpful for you to have an open and honest conversation with your parents to let them know how it makes you feel if they say something and then forget to do it. Especially when it's to do with your own wellbeing. Sometimes we self harm because it helps us cope with the emotions and feelings that have been building up inside us. It sounds to me like you have been keeping a lot in as well. Is that right? Maybe by opening up to your parents you might be able to let out some of the emotions that you have been keeping in. What do you think? 

[Zach Cant Focus]

7 hours ago, Aurora said:

Thank you for explaining everything a bit more. I understand why it doesn't feel good. I'm wondering if it would be helpful for you to have an open and honest conversation with your parents to let them know how it makes you feel if they say something and then forget to do it. Especially when it's to do with your own wellbeing. Sometimes we self harm because it helps us cope with the emotions and feelings that have been building up inside us. It sounds to me like you have been keeping a lot in as well. Is that right? Maybe by opening up to your parents you might be able to let out some of the emotions that you have been keeping in. What do you think? 

Im not sure. I think they want the best for me but I also don't really want to debate with them about my trans identity and whatnot. I'm not trying to shut down your ideas or anything but I'm just saying I'm a little scared of this.

[Aurora]

On 9/15/2023 at 7:21 PM, Zach Cant Focus said:

Im not sure. I think they want the best for me but I also don't really want to debate with them about my trans identity and whatnot. I'm not trying to shut down your ideas or anything but I'm just saying I'm a little scared of this.

No problem at all and thank you for telling me. I'm really glad that you feel comfortable to let me know if one of my suggestions feels a little scary. Also, these are just suggestions - it's completely up to you, what you want to do and what you feel comfortable doing. You know yourself best and you will know what will and what won't work for you. 

I can understand why you don't want to talk to them about your trans identity. What would you feel comfortable sharing with them? It sounds like they already know about your self harm. Is that right? Would you feel comfortable telling them that the school counsellor never followed up with you and neither did they (your parents) and how this has made you feel? Like this you don't need to bring up your identify but you can talk about some of the feelings that you've been keeping to yourself. Do you think that might work? 

 

[Zach Cant Focus]

42 minutes ago, Aurora said:

No problem at all and thank you for telling me. I'm really glad that you feel comfortable to let me know if one of my suggestions feels a little scary. Also, these are just suggestions - it's completely up to you, what you want to do and what you feel comfortable doing. You know yourself best and you will know what will and what won't work for you. 

I can understand why you don't want to talk to them about your trans identity. What would you feel comfortable sharing with them? It sounds like they already know about your self harm. Is that right? Would you feel comfortable telling them that the school counsellor never followed up with you and neither did they (your parents) and how this has made you feel? Like this you don't need to bring up your identify but you can talk about some of the feelings that you've been keeping to yourself. Do you think that might work? 

I think they know the counselor didn't follow up with me. Part of me doesn't want to ask for help because I think it would be inconvenient or I'd be ignored. It's just really hard to talk to them.

[Aurora]

25 minutes ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

I think they know the counselor didn't follow up with me. Part of me doesn't want to ask for help because I think it would be inconvenient or I'd be ignored. It's just really hard to talk to them.

I get that it's really hard to talk to them. Do you think they would want to know, how you are feeling? Can you think of any advantages talking to them might bring? What might be not so good? You mentioned being ignored or it not being convenient. Anything else? 

[Zach Cant Focus]

7 hours ago, Aurora said:

I get that it's really hard to talk to them. Do you think they would want to know, how you are feeling? Can you think of any advantages talking to them might bring? What might be not so good? You mentioned being ignored or it not being convenient. Anything else? 

Im worried that if I say anything they will bring it up randomly. I like having control of when we talk about it and I don't like their surprises

[Duckie]

27 minutes ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

Im worried that if I say anything they will bring it up randomly. I like having control of when we talk about it and I don't like their surprises

Hi @Zach Cant Focus,

Have they done something like that before? Like randomly brought up a sensitive subject out of context? How does this make you feel?

Maybe you could gently explain to them that when something is of a sensitive nature, you don't want them to just blurt something out, but be gentle about it - and how not doing so would affect you negatively. What do you think?

[Zach Cant Focus]

1 hour ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Zach Cant Focus,

Have they done something like that before? Like randomly brought up a sensitive subject out of context? How does this make you feel?

Maybe you could gently explain to them that when something is of a sensitive nature, you don't want them to just blurt something out, but be gentle about it - and how not doing so would affect you negatively. What do you think?

Yeah sometimes my mom tries to talk to me about my transness. I wished she could have just been supportive when I came out.

[Aurora]

12 hours ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

Yeah sometimes my mom tries to talk to me about my transness. I wished she could have just been supportive when I came out.

I'm really sorry to hear she wasn't supportive when you came out. I can imagine that that really hurt. Sometimes people need time to process really big news and often their views will change over time. I'm wondering whether this is what's happening with your mom? What do you think? Can I ask what she says when she tries to talk to you? Please don't feel you have to share this with me if you don't feel comfortable to

[Zach Cant Focus]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

I'm really sorry to hear she wasn't supportive when you came out. I can imagine that that really hurt. Sometimes people need time to process really big news and often their views will change over time. I'm wondering whether this is what's happening with your mom? What do you think? Can I ask what she says when she tries to talk to you? Please don't feel you have to share this with me if you don't feel comfortable to

"Do you still think you are trans? I don't think you do."

Thinks I grew out of it or something

[Duckie]

43 minutes ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

"Do you still think you are trans? I don't think you do."

Thinks I grew out of it or something

I am so sorry your mom said that to you. I can only imagine how hurt and disappointed this must have made you feel. You never have to prove or justify being trans, and maybe your mom can't quite understand that yet. Just like she didn't choose to be cis, you didn't chose to be trans. It is part of what makes you you. Have you been able to talk to someone else in your surroundings (family or friends) about being trans and about your sh?

 

[Zach Cant Focus]

14 hours ago, Duckie said:

I am so sorry your mom said that to you. I can only imagine how hurt and disappointed this must have made you feel. You never have to prove or justify being trans, and maybe your mom can't quite understand that yet. Just like she didn't choose to be cis, you didn't chose to be trans. It is part of what makes you you. Have you been able to talk to someone else in your surroundings (family or friends) about being trans and about your sh?

Yeah my friends for the most part have been really supportive

[Duckie]

7 hours ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

Yeah my friends for the most part have been really supportive

That's really good to hear. Have you come out to your friends as trans? If so, how did it make you feel and what did they say?

What's your relatives like? Do you have someone you're close to and can talk to about things your parents might not understand? Like a cousin, an auntie etc? 

[Zach Cant Focus]

10 hours ago, Duckie said:

That's really good to hear. Have you come out to your friends as trans? If so, how did it make you feel and what did they say?

What's your relatives like? Do you have someone you're close to and can talk to about things your parents might not understand? Like a cousin, an auntie etc? 

Yeah my friends know I'm trans. None of my relatives do though I try to avoid telling people who know my parents

[Aurora]

11 hours ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

Yeah my friends know I'm trans. None of my relatives do though I try to avoid telling people who know my parents

I get that. It sounds like your parents haven't been that supportive so I can understand why you don't want to tell people who know your parents. From what you've been telling us it sounds like your mom thinks you might grow out of it and that's tough to hear. Deep down we all want to be accepted for who we really are and if people we love don't support us, that really hurts. Hopefully, with time though, she will get a better understanding of your identity and get to know the real you. Your parents love you very much and ultimately they want you to be happy. Often the love parents have for their children will help to transform their views. It might not happen straight away but it might happen over time. What do you think? 

In the meantime, do you think it might be helpful to share with it made you feel that neither they nor the school counsellor followed up with you (without bringing up your trans identity)? 

[Zach Cant Focus]

17 hours ago, Aurora said:

I get that. It sounds like your parents haven't been that supportive so I can understand why you don't want to tell people who know your parents. From what you've been telling us it sounds like your mom thinks you might grow out of it and that's tough to hear. Deep down we all want to be accepted for who we really are and if people we love don't support us, that really hurts. Hopefully, with time though, she will get a better understanding of your identity and get to know the real you. Your parents love you very much and ultimately they want you to be happy. Often the love parents have for their children will help to transform their views. It might not happen straight away but it might happen over time. What do you think? 

In the meantime, do you think it might be helpful to share with it made you feel that neither they nor the school counsellor followed up with you (without bringing up your trans identity)? 

It's possible I think. It might be difficult though because being trans is kind of a big reason I'm mentally ill and I am worried that there's not much I can do until I start getting acceptance from them. I'm pretty sure (though not positive) that if I was persistent in fighting for my identity they would accept me eventually but I also am kind of scared of that

[Aurora]

6 hours ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

It's possible I think. It might be difficult though because being trans is kind of a big reason I'm mentally ill and I am worried that there's not much I can do until I start getting acceptance from them. I'm pretty sure (though not positive) that if I was persistent in fighting for my identity they would accept me eventually but I also am kind of scared of that

I think you've made a really good point here about your mental health and getting acceptance from them. Would you like to tell me a little more about what you think you're scared of? Only if you feel comfortable to - please don't feel you have to talk about it. 

[Zach Cant Focus]

10 hours ago, Aurora said:

I think you've made a really good point here about your mental health and getting acceptance from them. Would you like to tell me a little more about what you think you're scared of? Only if you feel comfortable to - please don't feel you have to talk about it. 

I don't think my fear is that rational or thought out, I think I just had bad experiences and want to prevent them