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been awhile but i think i need support again...


comet15

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i want to be an adult so badly but also i want to be a little kid at the same time
i want to be able to make the decisions i need to to keep myself alive and happy but at the same time I don't want the stress and pressure I have to deal with now that will only grow as I get older
I want to legally change my name and gender, want to get surgeries, but I also want to be a little kid again, having fun, with a flat chest and a typical voice for any little kid, and not worrying about gender or dysphoria
I want to be happy. but in the now there's nothing I can do to reach that, and with everything going on in the world against my people these days, happiness seems farther and farther away, and the end seems closer and closer, as the reasons to keep going are getting smaller and smaller...

I made it to 15.. I came out at 12... but 18 seems too far away.. and I also just want to go back in time or for time to stop.. everythings moving too fast in the present but too slow in the long run its scary....

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19 minutes ago, comet15 said:

i want to be an adult so badly but also i want to be a little kid at the same time
i want to be able to make the decisions i need to to keep myself alive and happy but at the same time I don't want the stress and pressure I have to deal with now that will only grow as I get older
I want to legally change my name and gender, want to get surgeries, but I also want to be a little kid again, having fun, with a flat chest and a typical voice for any little kid, and not worrying about gender or dysphoria
I want to be happy. but in the now there's nothing I can do to reach that, and with everything going on in the world against my people these days, happiness seems farther and farther away, and the end seems closer and closer, as the reasons to keep going are getting smaller and smaller...

I made it to 15.. I came out at 12... but 18 seems too far away.. and I also just want to go back in time or for time to stop.. everythings moving too fast in the present but too slow in the long run its scary....

Hi, I'm Catsup, one of the newer support mentors here.ย  Welcome back!ย  I think you articulated really well how a lot of young people feel, and how it is dealing with society as a trans person.ย  I can understand wanting to move back to simpler days, but like you said, there is a lot of freedom to adulthood.ย  Is there anything in particular about becoming an adult that is worrying or overwhelming you?

It's definitely a struggle to look at the big picture and realize how time is going by.ย  What has helped you make it this far?

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19 hours ago, Catsup said:

Hi, I'm Catsup, one of the newer support mentors here.ย  Welcome back!ย  I think you articulated really well how a lot of young people feel, and how it is dealing with society as a trans person.ย  I can understand wanting to move back to simpler days, but like you said, there is a lot of freedom to adulthood.ย  Is there anything in particular about becoming an adult that is worrying or overwhelming you?

It's definitely a struggle to look at the big picture and realize how time is going by.ย  What has helped you make it this far?

just the fact thatย 
A) My family doesn't have enough money to fund college for me so i'll be in debt my whole life
B) I have to afford surgeries on top of that (and because of the lack of money even after i turn 18 it'll be years before I can afford anything)
C) I'm really small for a guy and I'm scared that when I'm an adult it'll be a lot more prominent
D) I pass really well for a young teen guy but I wont pass when I'm an adult till I start testosterone (which again could be years cuz waitlists)
and just having to support myself is scary

writing has helped me but ive been in a big writers block for months now
and also karate. bc i keep getting higher and higher in rank so knowing im gonna keep getting higher keeps me going. may 15th im getting a huge promotion that im hyped for and next june (2024) I'll test for my next blackbelt (2nd degree) but thats so far in the future idk if ill be around..

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On 4/18/2023 at 3:02 PM, comet15 said:

just the fact thatย 
A) My family doesn't have enough money to fund college for me so i'll be in debt my whole life
B) I have to afford surgeries on top of that (and because of the lack of money even after i turn 18 it'll be years before I can afford anything)
C) I'm really small for a guy and I'm scared that when I'm an adult it'll be a lot more prominent
D) I pass really well for a young teen guy but I wont pass when I'm an adult till I start testosterone (which again could be years cuz waitlists)
and just having to support myself is scary

writing has helped me but ive been in a big writers block for months now
and also karate. bc i keep getting higher and higher in rank so knowing im gonna keep getting higher keeps me going. may 15th im getting a huge promotion that im hyped for and next june (2024) I'll test for my next blackbelt (2nd degree) but thats so far in the future idk if ill be around..

Hey, so those are very valid concerns. With finances, there are options, and I actually believe that you're in the thick of some of the most stressful decisions of your life and it will get better.ย  About not "passing" as an adult, or waiting for the treatments you need, that can be very challenging too.ย  But you also have no obligation to other people to have everything done by a young age.ย  It might be a matter of accepting some things for the time being, while also making small steps forward at a time, since that is all we can do.

Of course, all this is so easy to say and so hard to do, but I want to assure you that your life can be successful in the ways you want it to be.ย  What are the things you want to accomplish?ย  Do you feel capable of them?ย  (And you already sound like you have accomplished a lot, congrats on having a black belt!)

ย 

ย 

ย 

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18 hours ago, Catsup said:

Hey, so those are very valid concerns. With finances, there are options, and I actually believe that you're in the thick of some of the most stressful decisions of your life and it will get better.ย  About not "passing" as an adult, or waiting for the treatments you need, that can be very challenging too.ย  But you also have no obligation to other people to have everything done by a young age.ย  It might be a matter of accepting some things for the time being, while also making small steps forward at a time, since that is all we can do.

Of course, all this is so easy to say and so hard to do, but I want to assure you that your life can be successful in the ways you want it to be.ย  What are the things you want to accomplish?ย  Do you feel capable of them?ย  (And you already sound like you have accomplished a lot, congrats on having a black belt!)

thanks, the blackbelt was 2 years ago so it feels normal now, my real goal is second degree and higher levels of instructor title (one of which, like i said, is coming in may), and my goal for next year is the next degree of blackbelt, but other than that nothing will be coming in the near future that I can look forward to.
maybe driving tho, thats in a year which could be cool, and there's always the weekend retreat with my karate school that I have yearly and I'm a much higher rank this year so I will be doing more and i love the event regardless, but it can often turn negative and be a source of stress as well...

and I know I dont owe anyone anything about doing these things young but if I don't get top surgery and start hormones soon i will without a doubt kill myself. its hard to bear now as a kid but i will not be able to take it as an adult.

and now my moms mocking my dysphoria too. my thigh dysphoria specifically and that makes things even worse and makes me hate myself more

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4 hours ago, comet15 said:

thanks, the blackbelt was 2 years ago so it feels normal now, my real goal is second degree and higher levels of instructor title (one of which, like i said, is coming in may), and my goal for next year is the next degree of blackbelt, but other than that nothing will be coming in the near future that I can look forward to.
maybe driving tho, thats in a year which could be cool, and there's always the weekend retreat with my karate school that I have yearly and I'm a much higher rank this year so I will be doing more and i love the event regardless, but it can often turn negative and be a source of stress as well...

and I know I dont owe anyone anything about doing these things young but if I don't get top surgery and start hormones soon i will without a doubt kill myself. its hard to bear now as a kid but i will not be able to take it as an adult.

and now my moms mocking my dysphoria too. my thigh dysphoria specifically and that makes things even worse and makes me hate myself more

Yes, it sounds like karate takes a lot of your time, which is super cool, but I can see how that could also be a source of stress sometimes.

I'm sorry to hear you feel so stuck with the top surgery and hormones.ย  It must be incredibly difficult for you living with gender dysphoria right now, and I can see why you might feel you're not able to continue living with it.ย  Do you get any help around your mental health with all this?ย  Do you have any spaces to talk about these issues with supportive people?ย  One good thing that I can say about being an adult is the ability to choose who you hang out with and form a support system around the things you're dealing with, especially with LGBTQ issues.

I'm also sorry to hear your mom is not being supportive around your dysphoria.ย  You might also find your mom can change her attitudes as you get older and still are transgender.ย  Or you will at least have the ability to better control how much you interact with her.ย  Know that these are her attitudes and nothing wrong with you as a person.

I do want to share with you some crisis resources for you to have on hand if things do get too overwhelming:

ย 

- (UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)
- (USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988 ย (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text)ย 
- A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here:ย ย https://www.befrienders.orgย ย 

- Thereโ€™s an app I can recommend called https://prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ย ย - it has safety plans to make sure you donโ€™t harm yourself and you might find it helpful.
- You can also call the police if you feel at risk.

ย 

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8 hours ago, comet15 said:

thanks, the blackbelt was 2 years ago so it feels normal now, my real goal is second degree and higher levels of instructor title (one of which, like i said, is coming in may), and my goal for next year is the next degree of blackbelt, but other than that nothing will be coming in the near future that I can look forward to.
maybe driving tho, thats in a year which could be cool, and there's always the weekend retreat with my karate school that I have yearly and I'm a much higher rank this year so I will be doing more and i love the event regardless, but it can often turn negative and be a source of stress as well...

and I know I dont owe anyone anything about doing these things young but if I don't get top surgery and start hormones soon i will without a doubt kill myself. its hard to bear now as a kid but i will not be able to take it as an adult.

and now my moms mocking my dysphoria too. my thigh dysphoria specifically and that makes things even worse and makes me hate myself more

Sigh, hey ':) So 2 things I can- no, 3 things I can first mention...

1) ur really strong and brave

2) you said karate right? I studied some martial arts for some years, but it was jujitsu, idk i just wanted to share that ig lol

3) I am not trans, I do dislike my skin sack tho sometimes ๐Ÿ˜ Annnnnnnnd I have also been in a really dark place before, not nearly as much now tho ๐Ÿ‘

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On 4/20/2023 at 7:52 PM, Catsup said:

Yes, it sounds like karate takes a lot of your time, which is super cool, but I can see how that could also be a source of stress sometimes.

I'm sorry to hear you feel so stuck with the top surgery and hormones.ย  It must be incredibly difficult for you living with gender dysphoria right now, and I can see why you might feel you're not able to continue living with it.ย  Do you get any help around your mental health with all this?ย  Do you have any spaces to talk about these issues with supportive people?ย  One good thing that I can say about being an adult is the ability to choose who you hang out with and form a support system around the things you're dealing with, especially with LGBTQ issues.

I'm also sorry to hear your mom is not being supportive around your dysphoria.ย  You might also find your mom can change her attitudes as you get older and still are transgender.ย  Or you will at least have the ability to better control how much you interact with her.ย  Know that these are her attitudes and nothing wrong with you as a person.

I do want to share with you some crisis resources for you to have on hand if things do get too overwhelming:

- (UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)
- (USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988 ย (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text)ย 
- A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here:ย ย https://www.befrienders.orgย ย 

- Thereโ€™s an app I can recommend called https://prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ย ย - it has safety plans to make sure you donโ€™t harm yourself and you might find it helpful.
- You can also call the police if you feel at risk.

I have a therapist and a SAGA group at my school (sexuality and gender acceptance).

its been 3 years... she still denies it... i never thought it would take this long. we've barely gotten anywhere...

i have resources but thanks. i did do sh tho friday morning... i dont use knives or anything, just small sharp objects to inflict minor pain and injuries but i did actually end up cutting my leg worse than expected and my mom obviously noticed and is on top of be asking questions about it and i wish she would just leave me alone

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9 hours ago, comet15 said:

I have a therapist and a SAGA group at my school (sexuality and gender acceptance).

its been 3 years... she still denies it... i never thought it would take this long. we've barely gotten anywhere...

i have resources but thanks. i did do sh tho friday morning... i dont use knives or anything, just small sharp objects to inflict minor pain and injuries but i did actually end up cutting my leg worse than expected and my mom obviously noticed and is on top of be asking questions about it and i wish she would just leave me alone

Hey there,

I just want to jump in and see how you are? I can see that you did sh, and I'm glad you told us about it. Being open is really important, and the more open you are, the more help you can get. I'm wondering, does your mom know anything about the sh? If she doesn't, what do you think would be different if she did know?

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1 hour ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I just want to jump in and see how you are? I can see that you did sh, and I'm glad you told us about it. Being open is really important, and the more open you are, the more help you can get. I'm wondering, does your mom know anything about the sh? If she doesn't, what do you think would be different if she did know?

hey! it's been rocky since we last talked, but i've been managing things better I think. kinda just everything going on in the world rn is scaring me and just everything piling up..
i think my mom knows its sh but ive denied it bc im scared abt being open w her before talking w my therapist (who I'll see tomorrow and I'll talk abt the sh with), jus bc i like to talk things over w her before sharing w my mom

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11 hours ago, comet15 said:

I have a therapist and a SAGA group at my school (sexuality and gender acceptance).

its been 3 years... she still denies it... i never thought it would take this long. we've barely gotten anywhere...

i have resources but thanks. i did do sh tho friday morning... i dont use knives or anything, just small sharp objects to inflict minor pain and injuries but i did actually end up cutting my leg worse than expected and my mom obviously noticed and is on top of be asking questions about it and i wish she would just leave me alone

Hey it's great you have a therapist and that you also have a group at school to go to.ย  The situation with your mom sounds very difficult and I'm sorry to hear about the sh as well.ย  Looks like Monsoon reached out too about that, but I wanted to let you know too that you can definitely reach out to us with those feelings whether they are here in Community or in Confidential Support.ย  I hope everything goes well with your therapist and possibly opening up to your mom.ย 

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19 minutes ago, Catsup said:

Hey it's great you have a therapist and that you also have a group at school to go to.ย  The situation with your mom sounds very difficult and I'm sorry to hear about the sh as well.ย  Looks like Monsoon reached out too about that, but I wanted to let you know too that you can definitely reach out to us with those feelings whether they are here in Community or in Confidential Support.ย  I hope everything goes well with your therapist and possibly opening up to your mom.ย 

she knows ive done sh in the past ive just kept many of my more recent ones from her from fear but i have my therapist and she helps me and yeah
i kinda forgot abt dtl till recently but i'll def keep this as an open resource in those moments that i have sh urges

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Hey there,

Iโ€™m glad you have your therapist too. Itโ€™s really common to want to hide the sh, and it makes sense as to why people would want to, but really, remember that your mom is there for you too, and she knows you best and will have an excellent idea as to what might help you too :)

Also, for the sh, do you know about the safe alternatives to it? If not, we can tell you of you like?ย 

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2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Iโ€™m glad you have your therapist too. Itโ€™s really common to want to hide the sh, and it makes sense as to why people would want to, but really, remember that your mom is there for you too, and she knows you best and will have an excellent idea as to what might help you too :)

Also, for the sh, do you know about the safe alternatives to it? If not, we can tell you of you like?ย 

i know some... i have a few that work, like excerise, and i have my own ways to just get my mind off things, like music, writing, etc
but i don't always have the time or feel like I can, or even have the mental capacity to do these in the heat of the moment. And stuff like snapping rubberbands on my arm and ice doesn't work for me

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On 4/24/2023 at 12:12 PM, comet15 said:

i know some... i have a few that work, like excerise, and i have my own ways to just get my mind off things, like music, writing, etc
but i don't always have the time or feel like I can, or even have the mental capacity to do these in the heat of the moment. And stuff like snapping rubberbands on my arm and ice doesn't work for me

Hey there,

Yeah, I totally get what you're saying about how you feel you don't have the capacity right now. It's a tricky one because although you don't have it, if you do find a way to do it, you will probably find yourself feeling so much better, so it just takes that extra energy with your eyes on the long-term to move forward. What do you think?

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1 hour ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, I totally get what you're saying about how you feel you don't have the capacity right now. It's a tricky one because although you don't have it, if you do find a way to do it, you will probably find yourself feeling so much better, so it just takes that extra energy with your eyes on the long-term to move forward. What do you think?

yeah, also i talked to my therapist yesterday and she helped ease it to my mom who didn't take it well ;-;

but they are going to have me tested for autism and neurodivergency which is awesome cuz ive been asking for months and have p much self diagnosed myself with neurodivergency but i wanna be really tested so this is cool. and my therapist totally agreed with my concerns, i guess you could say, about me having autism and said testing would be helpful and she even named other signs she's seen in me and that was really validating

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6 hours ago, Rolo said:

So back again ๐Ÿ˜ตโ€๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿซฃ

Diagnosis of emotional numbness

And a fake face [if u can call it that]ย 

Had a very wierd Rocky start dam um were to begin ive been draind of my emotion to the point were i have to fake a feeling or to try and force it out. I just want more suport if thats ok i think ๐Ÿ˜ฎโ€๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿ˜

Burninng my self with warm water helped me feel something.

Parents see it as atention so i adapt to hide things like that from them learning to fake thing aint that hard but still feels off

Lost a best friend my legend (horse) so that just made it the point were i just wont get i another animal at least he is free from this night mareย 

I always hated that feeling when your parents scare you make you feel wierd about suicide or don't careย ย 

My emotion went to a broken point were i just feel burnt out like im back in grade 7 mind u grade 7 was terrible

ย But aint much intrest in anything like I used to feel so its likeย  i feel ok and then why whats the point aint like it matters anywayย 

And hard to describe but when i feel that emotional numbnessย  i get this wierd nubness pins and needles feeling around my body

So help any adviseย 

Hey @Rolo

It's nice to hear from you again, but I'm sorry to hear about your horse and the challenges you've been having with your wellbeing. However, I am glad you feel able to be open with us here because that's what we are here for :)

I can see what you said about suicide first, and I just want to check, how are you feeling? Are you safe at the moment? I can also see what you said about how parents can make you feel weird about it or not care, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that?

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9 hours ago, comet15 said:

yeah, also i talked to my therapist yesterday and she helped ease it to my mom who didn't take it well ;-;

but they are going to have me tested for autism and neurodivergency which is awesome cuz ive been asking for months and have p much self diagnosed myself with neurodivergency but i wanna be really tested so this is cool. and my therapist totally agreed with my concerns, i guess you could say, about me having autism and said testing would be helpful and she even named other signs she's seen in me and that was really validating

Hey there,

I'm glad your therapist helped you - that's great :)

Also, that's good news about the testing for autism, and I'm glad you feel validated. Do you know what will happen next with it?

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Mental Illness, Other

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7 hours ago, Rolo said:

so yeaย  i am ok ishย  not in that state of mindย ย 

Well my father just told me to get myself right so i did. my mother takes it a bit more serious but gets way mad about it or paranoid.

Father tried to force me like said to me stop with this nonsens i jus wantย  attention.

Feel like s#$! Don't realy care about much in this world but hey got to liveย 

Most of all i got paranoia and stress and when it is time to studdy for the papers or things that is out you control like todayย  i just shutdown and can't stop the Chittering.ย 

Hey there,

I'm really glad you're ok-ish, that's good to hear. What do you think is helping you to feel ok? It can be really helpful to take that stepback to look at what is working, because if things become challenging again, you can then maybe work on those things. From what you've told me about your parents, it sounds like their approach isn't really helpful for you in ways; is that fair to say? If so, I'm wondering, have you spoken with them about that?

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Hey Rolo,

It sounds like you are relying a lot on yourself to get through, and I'm curious to know, what are you doing to help yourself? It's great that you can do that because it means you're being independent with this which is positive :)

I'm wondering, are you in school at the moment? I'm unclear on your age from the profile. If you are in school, have you ever considered speaking to the counsellor if you have one, or whatever the equivalent is there?ย 

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On 4/26/2023 at 2:57 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm glad your therapist helped you - that's great :)

Also, that's good news about the testing for autism, and I'm glad you feel validated. Do you know what will happen next with it?

yeah idrk, my mom said regardless of any diagnosis i cant take meds but maybe different kinds of therapy? or like something else idrk

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On 4/27/2023 at 10:56 PM, comet15 said:

yeah idrk, my mom said regardless of any diagnosis i cant take meds but maybe different kinds of therapy? or like something else idrk

Hey there,

That's interesting about the different kinds of therapy. Do you know what they are? If so, how do you feel about doing them?

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