rant/need advice sorta thing abt friends and isolation and depression

[emnma]

i cant remember if i already did a post on this or not so I'm posting it again

ive been homeschooled for a few weeks now and have a few friends there, but I don't really talk to any of them outside of class bc I don't really click with them. I realized  how lonely I am cuz I helped a girl with her relationship and she said I was a good friend. i started crying bc I haven't heard that in so long. normally I'm ok with being alone but now I'm realizing how much its affecting me and idk what to do about it. last time I had a good friend irl everything went really badly and I had a depressive episode so ig thats why I don't connect with anyone irl now. how do I deal with that without destroying myself in the process? i want to have friends again and I want to exist without hurting myself physically and mentally but I don't think I can. i feel like nobody really likes me for who I am and just likes me for what I can do for them. i want to connect with people and be happy and go do things and be in relationships but I think I'm going to end up hurting people in the process and that just makes me feel like crap and idk what to do about it. i also did some research and now i think i have atypical depression and it really explains how I've been feeling but i don't know how to bring it up to my parents without being discredited. I was also thinking the other day about this and how its related to my screen time, and i thought that bc i barely had any presence online (besides here) or on social media or that i cant text anyone that i barely exist. it turned into a rabbit hole that im pathetic and barely exist and it just made me feel really bad about everything

Edited March 6, 2023 by emnma

[Monsoon]

Hey @emnma

It sounds like you're going through a tough time right now. Feeling lonely is a very normal and common experience, especially when we're going through big changes like transitioning to homeschooling. It's okay to feel the way you do, and it's important to remember that you're not alone in this.

 

It's great that you're able to recognise your feelings and are looking for ways to improve your situation. It's really important to prioritize your mental health and well-being. If you're concerned that you may have atypical depression, it's a good idea to talk to a trusted adult or a mental health professional. You could maybe speak with the adults at home to see what they think would be good to help you; what do you think? Remember, your feelings and experiences are valid and seeking help is a sign of strength.

I noticed what you said about how you want to exist without physically and mentally hurting yourself, and I am wondering, can you tell me more about that? Have you been physically hurting yourself?

 

[emnma]

ive tried to talk to them about mental health and stuff before, but i feel really needy when i do. i know my parents have their own issues and i already am a big part of that and don't want to burden them more. 

i get into a rabbit hole sort of situation when a friendship goes awry, i become really distant from others and start trying to fix my insecurities the wrong way, like by starving myself or going into drastic caloric deficits. but after a day or so i give up and start binging, which starts the cycle again. im not cutting myself or stuff like that, but that's basically what i meant by mentally and physically hurting myself

[Monsoon]

Hey :)

That's really good that you have tried to talk to them about it before. Can I ask, what happened when you tried; did you manage to say something? If not, how do you think they might feel that you have been able to open up to them?

Also, it's completely normal to feel the way you do when experiencing loneliness; we all need to connect with people, and when we don't have that, it can really make us feel off balance and like we don't have anyone to turn to. I'm wondering, what is your friendship like with the girl who you helped with their relationship?

[emnma]

ive had huge breakdowns in front of them before and they barely did anything, they instead yelled at me about how im being ungrateful and how i have nothing to worry about and how if they get a divorce its my fault and all that stuff. they just recently put me into therapy after i came home stoned trying to get away from the stress. they always say that they're open and they wont judge or get upset but they always do the opposite and its hard to talk to them about stuff like this. 

i met her online and just told her what i would do. i still talk to her a little bit, but we arent really close

[Monsoon]

On 3/7/2023 at 3:57 PM, emnma said:

ive had huge breakdowns in front of them before and they barely did anything, they instead yelled at me about how im being ungrateful and how i have nothing to worry about and how if they get a divorce its my fault and all that stuff. they just recently put me into therapy after i came home stoned trying to get away from the stress. they always say that they're open and they wont judge or get upset but they always do the opposite and its hard to talk to them about stuff like this. 

i met her online and just told her what i would do. i still talk to her a little bit, but we arent really close

Hey @emnma

I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds like they way they reacted was not helpful for you at all in that moment, and I wish it could have been different for you. On the other hand though, I'm glad that they have put you into therapy because that shows they recognise your needs and understand that you need help. This also suggests to me that maybe they felt they couldn't help you, so that's why they got someone else to support you with that. What do you think? Also, how is the therapy going?

Going back to what you were saying about feeling lonely, we can all relate to that feeling as we all experience it at some point. I'm wondering, is there anyone in your life that you would like to connect more with and strengthen your relationship with?

[emnma]

i think they put me into therapy to get rid of me and my problems tbh. i feel like they think that if they don't have to deal with my problems, then they don't exist to them. Therapy is going well, sadly, i do go as often as i need to, so its really just a momentary escape every few weeks

I've been trying to reconnect with my childhood best friend, but i guess he's been really busy because he's only been leaving me on read. other than him, i don't really have anyone irl that i talk to. the only people i really talk to are people i meet online

[Monsoon]

On 3/8/2023 at 5:26 PM, emnma said:

i think they put me into therapy to get rid of me and my problems tbh. i feel like they think that if they don't have to deal with my problems, then they don't exist to them. Therapy is going well, sadly, i do go as often as i need to, so its really just a momentary escape every few weeks

I've been trying to reconnect with my childhood best friend, but i guess he's been really busy because he's only been leaving me on read. other than him, i don't really have anyone irl that i talk to. the only people i really talk to are people i meet online

Hey there,

I'm wondering, can you tell me what it is that makes you think that they put you into therapy to get rid of you? What do you mean by that?

Also, I'm thinking, when it comes to friends, how have you made them in the past? What helped you to find new ones?

[emnma]

3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm wondering, can you tell me what it is that makes you think that they put you into therapy to get rid of you? What do you mean by that?

Also, I'm thinking, when it comes to friends, how have you made them in the past? What helped you to find new ones?

they seem to not want me around, and I've been told that im the source of nearly all their problems, so i feel like they put me into therapy to "get rid" of those problems

a lot of them i met through other people so we were around each other a lot and became friends, the other ones i met through having classes together so a lot of my friendships were based on seeing each other all the time and not being able to really get rid of each other

[Monsoon]

19 hours ago, emnma said:

they seem to not want me around, and I've been told that im the source of nearly all their problems, so i feel like they put me into therapy to "get rid" of those problems

a lot of them i met through other people so we were around each other a lot and became friends, the other ones i met through having classes together so a lot of my friendships were based on seeing each other all the time and not being able to really get rid of each other

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been told you're the source of nearly all their problems; that must have been hard for you to hear. What was that like for you?

Also, for making new friends, especially now you're homeschooled, could you potentially join some local clubs for people around your age, sports maybe?

[emnma]

6 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been told you're the source of nearly all their problems; that must have been hard for you to hear. What was that like for you?

Also, for making new friends, especially now you're homeschooled, could you potentially join some local clubs for people around your age, sports maybe?

it was kind of on brand for them, so it didn't affect me much.

ill see if there's some clubs or something around me, that could be fun