i dont think ive ever had a best friend...

[cosmic bread crumbs]

im not asking anyone to feel sorry for me and become i have no friends, i really just want to rant because i have noone to talk to about this. i was talking to a "friend" about field trips and they said that they loved field trips but it was draining. that got me thinking about all the field trips i had in primary school. i loved them but i also hated that i had noone to really partner up with. like i had friends but none of them was my best friend. like one boy and i were "best friends" so we said but he liked  a lot of people more than me. i dont think i ever realized how lonely i was in primary school. i think i felt it at times but not as much as i feel now. when i got into a new secondary school i lost all my primary school friends and i decided that i should be alone because" if i make friends theyll just leave" so i was alone for three years until i decided to open up and make friends. in secondary school ik i was queer so i had standards for friends but where im from is incredibly conservative  so the "friends" i did make were homophobic so i could never be myself with them. so for years ive been pretending to the point of not knowing who i am. i dont know my actual personality...its incredibly lonely. i got my first girlfriend a few months ago and she was everything good in the world but she wasnt in my country, she was american. she was lovely and i felt like i could talk about anything with her, we broke up though, recently. i opened up to her about feeling used by her when she was bored and she agreed and said that she needed to work on herself which im happy that shes getting help but sad that shes gone. so im starting to feel hopeless because the moment i feel close to someone, i lose them immediately after so it just feels like a vicious cycle. i want it to end i want this feelling of loneliness to  go. i want to feel secure happiness, not happiness ,but at the back of my mind know it would fade and that empty loneliness would just return. i really want a friend that i can be myself with and not leave but i guess im just a temporary person to people. they use me for a while and when they get bored of me they discard me. i dont know if i can live like this any longer. i was thinking about doing...it...on my walk home from  school but i got really good marks in my exams (the equivalent to an A* mark in camebridge) so if i go, i would just be wasted potential (please dont say that im more than my marks, i am my marks...i truely am nothing without them) and i would hate to hurt my mother like that. so im stuck here and i hate it. i wish i lived somewhere i could have been myself and been accepted and not be alone. i know it looks like its just me being mopy about my gf but this sadness has been there a while and it isnt just that

 

ik this was all over the place im sorry. thanks for reading

[Monsoon]

 

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out to us. I noticed what you said about how you were thinking about doing it on your walk home, and I was wondering, can you tell me more about what you mean by this? I get the impression that you might mean taking your own life, and if did, I'm wondering, are you feeling safe right now? If you aren't, it's okay to share that, and we are here for you. Our main priority is your safety and we care about you. Although it might not seem like it now, remember, there is light at the end of every tunnel, and you can get through this. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis: 

• A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org - you can find the one for your country and call them if you are in crisis 
• An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful
• Remember, you can always call the emergency services or go to your local emergency department at the hospital for support

We are here for you. Once we know you're safe, we can then give you more advice if you like. Take care and speak soon.