Jump to content
This topic contains content which has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Suicide

Its coming back


soph ie
 Share

Recommended Posts

This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Suicide

Click this notice to reveal the content.

Quite a few years ago now, I had suicidal thoughts, and a few times made plans to go through with it. I couldnt access help at the time, and felt unable to talk to my friends about it because I dont like them to worry about me to add to their own worries. I dont like to present as being sad or ask for help (a lovely gift from my mother), I prefer to be the one to notice others are sad and try to help them. Just being around my friends helped, going out and doing things I used to enjoy, and slowly I began to get less and less of the thoughts. Last summer we went on holidays together and I felt truly happy again for once, something I hadn't genuinely felt for a long time. I thought this meant I was better, but now my friends have gone to Uni, and I talk to them less and less, and I felt myself falling back to where I was. I went a while just feeling low, but the thoughts have started to come back. I now they are intrusive thoughts, I dont want to think them and they scare me, but I know I have acted on these thoughts before, and so I know I am capable of acting on them again. I dont know if I really want to kill myself, or if its just intrusive thoughts, but in the moment it is very real and only afterwards once I think back does it become scary. I cant talk to my parents about it, and I dont want my friends to worry, so this felt like the next best thing to tell someone how I feel and let some of the thoughts out of my head.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Hey Sophie,

It's nice to hear from you again. It sounds like you've hit a low point again, and it's important to recognise that mental health has its ups and downs, but when you are in the down phase, it really can feel like you've taken ten steps back. I just want you to know that we are here for you and you're not alone. You can let the thoughts out of your head here with us, and this is a safe space where you can talk about whatever you like. 

I'm wondering, do you feel safe at the moment and have you made a plan to take your life at all? Remember the more we know, the more we can do to help you. I kind of get the hunch you don't have a plan at this point, but do let us know. As you have had these thoughts before, it might be helpful for you to complete a safety plan to help keep you grounded when you do have those feelings; what do you think? Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis: 

 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Suicide

Click this notice to reveal the content.

I havent made a plan like I had before, but sometimes my brain tells me I could just step in front of a passing car, or I could just walk off the edge of a bridge, and nothing is stopping me. This is only a split second thought, and less of a plan and more of a threat to myself? Idrk how to describe it but I don't necessarily want to do it or am in control of it, but it just comes into my head. Sometimes if Im feeling low this then spirals into considering it more, but its still less of a plan and more of just being aware that it is something that would be possible in that moment. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Suicide

Click this notice to reveal the content.
9 hours ago, soph ie said:

I havent made a plan like I had before, but sometimes my brain tells me I could just step in front of a passing car, or I could just walk off the edge of a bridge, and nothing is stopping me. This is only a split second thought, and less of a plan and more of a threat to myself? Idrk how to describe it but I don't necessarily want to do it or am in control of it, but it just comes into my head. Sometimes if Im feeling low this then spirals into considering it more, but its still less of a plan and more of just being aware that it is something that would be possible in that moment. 

Hey there,

Yeah, that makes sense, thank you for explaining. It sounds like you're having intrusive thoughts about ending your own life; do you know what I mean by intrusive thoughts? It's interesting that they come and go and that you haven't acted on them. I'm wondering, what do you think is keeping you from not following through with them?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know much about intrusive thoughts, only a very basic understanding that they are thoughts you dont want to think. I have acted on these thoughts before, and immediately regretted it, but I have not acted on the suicidal thoughts in particular. I think whats stopping me is fear, fear of the thoughts, fear of the consequence, fear of if it fails etc. Some of the other thoughts are easier to hide and I dont have to worry so much about consequence, so I act on those more often. This was mainly before though and stopped until more recently when it came back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
18 hours ago, soph ie said:

I don't know much about intrusive thoughts, only a very basic understanding that they are thoughts you dont want to think. I have acted on these thoughts before, and immediately regretted it, but I have not acted on the suicidal thoughts in particular. I think whats stopping me is fear, fear of the thoughts, fear of the consequence, fear of if it fails etc. Some of the other thoughts are easier to hide and I dont have to worry so much about consequence, so I act on those more often. This was mainly before though and stopped until more recently when it came back.

Hey Sophie,

I'm wondering, can you tell me more about the intrusive thoughts you act on? Also, I'm curious to know, have you been able to tell anyone else yet about the suicidal thoughts you've been having ?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really hate the things I did when I acted on the thoughts, they are often violent and cruel, and before I learnt to direct them to other things I would do thing I regret and hate myself for doing. Ive spoken to a friend about some of the thoughts, but I have not felt able to tell anyone about the suicidal thoughts. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
13 hours ago, soph ie said:

I really hate the things I did when I acted on the thoughts, they are often violent and cruel, and before I learnt to direct them to other things I would do thing I regret and hate myself for doing. Ive spoken to a friend about some of the thoughts, but I have not felt able to tell anyone about the suicidal thoughts. 

Hey there,

I'm glad you have spoken to a friend about the thoughts; how was that for you? Also, I'm wondering, what do you think it would be like for you to tell someone else about the suicidal thoughts?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I found it quite stressful to talk about these thoughts to my friend, but also very therapeutic, it was like a weight of my shoulders to be able to share it with someone. I feel like sharing about the suicidal thoughts would be a similar experience, but I dont want to burden my friends with having to worry about me. I got through the thoughts before without help, so I can do it again now. I like to help my friends with problems they might be suffering, I dont want to put my problems onto them. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
9 hours ago, soph ie said:

I found it quite stressful to talk about these thoughts to my friend, but also very therapeutic, it was like a weight of my shoulders to be able to share it with someone. I feel like sharing about the suicidal thoughts would be a similar experience, but I dont want to burden my friends with having to worry about me. I got through the thoughts before without help, so I can do it again now. I like to help my friends with problems they might be suffering, I dont want to put my problems onto them. 

Hey there,

I'm glad you found it therapeutic to talk about these thoughts to your friend. I saw what you said about burdening your friends by them ending up worrying about you, and I'm wondering, if you had a friend who was having suicidal thoughts and spoke to you about them, how do you think you would feel? Would you see it as a burden or not?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I enjoy trying to help my friends with their problems, all of my friends usually came to me for advice or just to rant, I opened myself up to it and invited them to tell me stuff. My friends havent done this, so I feel like if I just go and lay all of that on them it would be a lot and become a burden for them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

It's pretty common to feel like a burden for opening up, but when you think about the situation, friends are there to help you through hard times as well, and maybe they would react in the same way you have done for your friends in the past, with openness and invitation. What do you think?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Unfortunately, your content contains terms that we do not allow. Please edit your content to remove the highlighted words below.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...