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TinyDinos
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I have been a straight A student as long as I’ve been in school and now I had a meeting with my teacher (I’m homeschooled) and I failed two classes last semester. I can make up one of them, and I’m probably gonna quit the other course but I’m seriously panicking and having an anxiety attack because of the fact that I failed and I’ve never done that before especially not in school. And in my family I’ve always been the “smart one” and I’m supposed to be the first girl on my dad’s side of the family to graduate high school and I have so much pressure and I pretty much just wrecked my perfect record. The one thing I’m good at, I screwed up and I literally want to kill myself. I hate that I’m even alive and I wish that I could just do it without causing more problems for everybody around me 

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21 minutes ago, TinyDinos said:

I have been a straight A student as long as I’ve been in school and now I had a meeting with my teacher (I’m homeschooled) and I failed two classes last semester. I can make up one of them, and I’m probably gonna quit the other course but I’m seriously panicking and having an anxiety attack because of the fact that I failed and I’ve never done that before especially not in school. And in my family I’ve always been the “smart one” and I’m supposed to be the first girl on my dad’s side of the family to graduate high school and I have so much pressure and I pretty much just wrecked my perfect record. The one thing I’m good at, I screwed up and I literally want to kill myself. I hate that I’m even alive and I wish that I could just do it without causing more problems for everybody around me 

Heyy @TinyDinos, I am sorry to hear about the stress and pressure that you've been going through with regards to school work. I have read everything you've mentioned about anxiety, panic, failing, and I will take it one at a time with you. Firstly, the most important to me right now is your safety, you mentioned you want to kill yourself, I want to check whether it's just a feeling you're having in the present moment or something you've been thinking about for a while? 

 

I'm going to list some crisis details below so you have them to hand:

  • (USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988  (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) 
  • NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE (NSPL) - USA Suicide and crisis prevention  - Tel: 1-800-273-8255  www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
  • A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.org   
  • There's an app I can recommend called Stay Alive - it has safety plans to make sure you don’t harm yourself and you might find it helpful
  • You can also call the police if you feel at risk

 

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23 minutes ago, Luie said:

Heyy @TinyDinos, I am sorry to hear about the stress and pressure that you've been going through with regards to school work. I have read everything you've mentioned about anxiety, panic, failing, and I will take it one at a time with you. Firstly, the most important to me right now is your safety, you mentioned you want to kill yourself, I want to check whether it's just a feeling you're having in the present moment or something you've been thinking about for a while? 

i think about it all the time. ive been ok for a few days and its back in full force now. im not gonna attempt, at least not right now. unfortunately my mom and sisters are home. im shaking so badly rn and my head hurts.

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12 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

i think about it all the time. ive been ok for a few days and its back in full force now. im not gonna attempt, at least not right now. unfortunately my mom and sisters are home. im shaking so badly rn and my head hurts.

Hi there, Luie isn't online right now so I thought I would jump in to make sure you're OK. I hope that's alright with you.

It sounds like there is a lot going on for you at the moment and I feel like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Would you agree? Do you mind asking, if your parents know how much pressure you are under? If they don't know, what do you think they would say if they realised how upset you are? 

You mentioned that you are not going to attempt, at least not right now. I just wanted to check and see how you're feeling today and if you feel safe right now? It's OK to say if you don't. This is a safe space and the more you tell us the better we can support you. I also wanted to let you know that your safety is the most important thing. We care for you and we are here for you. But if you ever do feel like you are in crisis please make sure you reach out to someone on the list that Luie gave you. 

Thinking about the future, what do you think would need to change for you to feel happy to live your life? 

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4 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, Luie isn't online right now so I thought I would jump in to make sure you're OK. I hope that's alright with you.

It sounds like there is a lot going on for you at the moment and I feel like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Would you agree? Do you mind asking, if your parents know how much pressure you are under? If they don't know, what do you think they would say if they realised how upset you are? 

You mentioned that you are not going to attempt, at least not right now. I just wanted to check and see how you're feeling today and if you feel safe right now? It's OK to say if you don't. This is a safe space and the more you tell us the better we can support you. I also wanted to let you know that your safety is the most important thing. We care for you and we are here for you. But if you ever do feel like you are in crisis please make sure you reach out to someone on the list that Luie gave you. 

Thinking about the future, what do you think would need to change for you to feel happy to live your life? 

I just woke up so I’m sorry about the late reply (I’m on PST). I do put a lot of pressure on myself and my parents do know this about me. They don’t show much empathy for it though, more like, treat it as a problem that needs to be solved because they don’t understand why I feel like this. That is especially true for my mom, and it’s a bit harder there because I live with her 100% of the time, I only see my dad maybe once a week.

I wound up just dropping one of the courses and in its place this semester I’m going to retake the other one I failed. My senior year is pretty much gonna be a cakewalk at this point, I still feel like crap about all of it, but not as intensely. I still want to die. The feeling just isn’t so all-consuming that it’s the only thing I can think about. Now I’m just fatigued and dehydrated. I wish I could sleep in longer but I have another teacher meeting in like an hour and I just hope it goes well. 

I don’t know what I’d have to change. I’m really lucky to have the things I do, so when I wish I wasn’t here anymore I feel worse because I feel even more like I wasted everyone’s time and resources and that I let everyone down more. I seriously think I need medical help, but my mom doesn’t take this seriously and neither does my dad. Even if I’m not medicated, at least therapy sessions would benefit me I think. I have not only my problems on my plate, but my family’s problems too. Being the oldest I have to deal with the adults in my family treating me like an adult and I understand more of the stresses that are going on in their world. My younger sisters come to me with everything they deal with as a result of anything that’s happened to them. I feel that responsibility to support them too, especially when my mom is busy working. I had to fill the role my dad left empty for two years while my mom worked around the clock to support three kids by herself, and I’ll never be able to change that.

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I can’t do this anymore.  My fears were validated and now I hate myself more than ever. I shouldn’t be here feeling sorry for myself when I’m the one causing the problems. I wasted my potential. I wasted my parents’ time. I wasted their energy. I wasted their money. I wasted their food. I wasted their water. I wasted their electricity. I wasted my school’s money. I wasted the teachers’ time. I wasted my HQT’s time. I wasted their energy. I wasted their resources. I wasted my family’s time. I wasted everyone’s time on this platform. I’m the problem. I can’t do anything right. Everything I try to do I wind up ruining something or someone and being a huge waste of space and oxygen. Why have I lived this long when all I do is ruin things and hurt people and disappoint and let down and destroy? Why can’t I just stop being anything to anyone and just die already?? I’m so sorry to everyone I know and I wish I could give back all of the things I wasted while I’ve lived here. And I’m sorry for anyone who wasted their time worrying about me. Im so sorry and nothing I ever do can make it up to you all. I hope that anyone stupid enough to care gets over it quickly and realizes how good this could be. But maybe I shouldn’t kill myself. It’d be the easy way out and I don’t deserve that. Either way, something has to change and that something is me.

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2 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

I can’t do this anymore.  My fears were validated and now I hate myself more than ever. I shouldn’t be here feeling sorry for myself when I’m the one causing the problems. I wasted my potential. I wasted my parents’ time. I wasted their energy. I wasted their money. I wasted their food. I wasted their water. I wasted their electricity. I wasted my school’s money. I wasted the teachers’ time. I wasted my HQT’s time. I wasted their energy. I wasted their resources. I wasted my family’s time. I wasted everyone’s time on this platform. I’m the problem. I can’t do anything right. Everything I try to do I wind up ruining something or someone and being a huge waste of space and oxygen. Why have I lived this long when all I do is ruin things and hurt people and disappoint and let down and destroy? Why can’t I just stop being anything to anyone and just die already?? I’m so sorry to everyone I know and I wish I could give back all of the things I wasted while I’ve lived here. And I’m sorry for anyone who wasted their time worrying about me. Im so sorry and nothing I ever do can make it up to you all. I hope that anyone stupid enough to care gets over it quickly and realizes how good this could be. But maybe I shouldn’t kill myself. It’d be the easy way out and I don’t deserve that. Either way, something has to change and that something is me.

Hey there,

I just wanted to check in because it sounds like you're at a pretty low point right now. I know this might be a really direct question to ask, but I'm wondering, are you feeling safe right now? If you aren't, it's okay to share that, and we are here for you. Our main priority is your safety and we care about you. Although it might not seem like it now, remember, there is light at the end of every tunnel, and you can get through this. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis: 

Take care and speak soon. Remember, you are not alone. 

 

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14 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I just wanted to check in because it sounds like you're at a pretty low point right now. I know this might be a really direct question to ask, but I'm wondering, are you feeling safe right now? If you aren't, it's okay to share that, and we are here for you. Our main priority is your safety and we care about you. Although it might not seem like it now, remember, there is light at the end of every tunnel, and you can get through this. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis: 

Take care and speak soon. Remember, you are not alone. 

Honestly I feel like I can’t think. I wanted to reply seriously but I can’t think of words to use anymore. I’ve kind of accepted that I feel like this now and I’m done trying to do anything anymore. I might be safe???? I don’t think I’m very stable right now, and I don’t really have a definitive answer. I’m not thinking about hurting myself, and I’m definitely considering ending things, but I don’t see the right moment to actually go through with it (there really is never a “perfect moment” for anything, huh?). Anyways, I downloaded this self help app to see if it works and I’ll keep you updated on that. I think I’ve reached a point of dissociation to the extent that I’m almost in shock and not processing the weight and severity of the thoughts I’m having. That would explain why I’m strangely calm and numb now. I’ll see what happens

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8 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

Honestly I feel like I can’t think. I wanted to reply seriously but I can’t think of words to use anymore. I’ve kind of accepted that I feel like this now and I’m done trying to do anything anymore. I might be safe???? I don’t think I’m very stable right now, and I don’t really have a definitive answer. I’m not thinking about hurting myself, and I’m definitely considering ending things, but I don’t see the right moment to actually go through with it (there really is never a “perfect moment” for anything, huh?). Anyways, I downloaded this self help app to see if it works and I’ll keep you updated on that. I think I’ve reached a point of dissociation to the extent that I’m almost in shock and not processing the weight and severity of the thoughts I’m having. That would explain why I’m strangely calm and numb now. I’ll see what happens

Hey there,

That's okay that you don't have a definitive answer. It sounds like you're pretty overwhelmed at the moment, and remember, feelings are temporary and this will pass for you. I'm wondering, how are you feeling now? I just want to remind you of the safety plan you filled out recently. Have you had a chance to look through it yet and follow any of the steps? Your answers to it are really good and i'm sure it will help you through. Take care and speak soon :) 

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43 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

That's okay that you don't have a definitive answer. It sounds like you're pretty overwhelmed at the moment, and remember, feelings are temporary and this will pass for you. I'm wondering, how are you feeling now? I just want to remind you of the safety plan you filled out recently. Have you had a chance to look through it yet and follow any of the steps? Your answers to it are really good and i'm sure it will help you through. Take care and speak soon :) 

I’m feeling a bit better. I’ll keep you posted in confidential though.

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8 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

I’m feeling a bit better. I’ll keep you posted in confidential though.

Hey there,

I'm glad to hear it. Take care and speak soon.

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