A personal story

[Sophievul]

I just have to tell someone this. I don't have anyone to rely on so I will just release this post and get it read by some strangers. This is the best thing I can do at the moment.

So, I had a crush on this girl. It took me a very long time to figure out, I had a boyfriend already and I didn't know much about LGBTQIA+. Then I researched it, and went 'That's me!'. I accepted it eventually, and identified as lesbian later. 

My crush grew deeper and deeper and I planned on telling her. She also gave me some signals which gave me hope. And just as I finally started gathering up the courage, she announced that she was leaving the school. I was scared to death. I didn't tell her at that point. I thought I still had time. 

I became ill, and when I returned to school, she was already gone.

I was devastated. Out of desperation, I texted her and told her everything. She didn't reply.

This was a month ago. I still can't get over her. I practice some quite serious self-harm. I can't stop blaming myself.

This was mainly a rant, however if you are reading this, have a special someone and a burning question to ask them, please take this as a sign. Ask them! You might just not have time later.

[Monsoon]

2 hours ago, Sophievul said:

I just have to tell someone this. I don't have anyone to rely on so I will just release this post and get it read by some strangers. This is the best thing I can do at the moment.

So, I had a crush on this girl. It took me a very long time to figure out, I had a boyfriend already and I didn't know much about LGBTQIA+. Then I researched it, and went 'That's me!'. I accepted it eventually, and identified as lesbian later. 

My crush grew deeper and deeper and I planned on telling her. She also gave me some signals which gave me hope. And just as I finally started gathering up the courage, she announced that she was leaving the school. I was scared to death. I didn't tell her at that point. I thought I still had time. 

I became ill, and when I returned to school, she was already gone.

I was devastated. Out of desperation, I texted her and told her everything. She didn't reply.

This was a month ago. I still can't get over her. I practice some quite serious self-harm. I can't stop blaming myself.

This was mainly a rant, however if you are reading this, have a special someone and a burning question to ask them, please take this as a sign. Ask them! You might just not have time later.

Hey @Sophievul

I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out. I just wanted to thank you for being so open with us. I can really sense your hurt from this and I can imagine it isn't easy for you to talk about. You have been brave opening up about this, and we just want you to know that this is a completely safe and non-judgemental space where you can share whatever is on your mind. 

I am sorry to hear that she did not reply to you. I can appreciate that it still would have been hurtful for you even if she did reply and it wasn't the answer you hoped for, but to have complete silence must be really tricky for you which is completely understandable. I'm wondering, what do you think her silence is telling you?

Also, I noticed what you said about how you practice some quite serious self-harm. I'm wondering, are you safe at the moment? Your safety is our top priority and we would like to support you in hopefully moving away from self-harming, but for the time being, even just helping you to make it as safe as possible. Take care and speak soon. We are here for you, Sophie. 

[learningbrain]

@Sophievul We are here to support you.

I have been a member for a while and it feels great when you share what you feel. Things get better with time.

Feel free to share what you feel. This is a safe space.

 

[Sophievul]

1 hour ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Sophievul

I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out. I just wanted to thank you for being so open with us. I can really sense your hurt from this and I can imagine it isn't easy for you to talk about. You have been brave opening up about this, and we just want you to know that this is a completely safe and non-judgemental space where you can share whatever is on your mind. 

I am sorry to hear that she did not reply to you. I can appreciate that it still would have been hurtful for you even if she did reply and it wasn't the answer you hoped for, but to have complete silence must be really tricky for you which is completely understandable. I'm wondering, what do you think her silence is telling you?

Also, I noticed what you said about how you practice some quite serious self-harm. I'm wondering, are you safe at the moment? Your safety is our top priority and we would like to support you in hopefully moving away from self-harming, but for the time being, even just helping you to make it as safe as possible. Take care and speak soon. We are here for you, Sophie. 

Thank you for your reply.

I really don't know what to think about her silence. Maybe it is just some technical matter, maybe she didn't even get my text, but I don't believe in that.

The most realistic explanation is that she simply didn't care enough about me. Or she had enough of me. We did have a relationship with issues. We didn't even talk for a while.

It is all my fault. I was too clingy. I didn't care about her feelings I just cared about myself. 

I started to develop, and she said I was improving. We became friends again, though I felt that she didn't trust me that much. She said she liked me (in a friend way, of course) and we were becoming closer, spending more time together.

And then she said that she was going to leave the school. 

I think she has every right for silence. She deserves to be happy, not to care for some mentally ill and stupid girl. I just wish to know if she became happy with someone who cares for her.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, there could be so many different reasons for the silence really. I think that my perspective is that if there was no technical difficulty and she received the message, then she would have replied if she shared the feelings. I know that it might be emotionally challenging to consider this possibility, but it's important that I'm honest in my thoughts about your situation, and please know that this is written with the best intentions. What do you think?

Also, I noticed that you described yourself as a stupid girl and I was wondering if you could tell me more about that, please?

[Sophievul]

On 1/10/2023 at 6:05 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, there could be so many different reasons for the silence really. I think that my perspective is that if there was no technical difficulty and she received the message, then she would have replied if she shared the feelings. I know that it might be emotionally challenging to consider this possibility, but it's important that I'm honest in my thoughts about your situation, and please know that this is written with the best intentions. What do you think?

Also, I noticed that you described yourself as a stupid girl and I was wondering if you could tell me more about that, please?

I think that is the most realistic possibility. She would have replied if she shared my feelings.

I am stupid because I couldn't realise that she has some emotional and other needs I didn't care about. I don't blame her at all.

[Monsoon]

18 hours ago, Sophievul said:

I think that is the most realistic possibility. She would have replied if she shared my feelings.

I am stupid because I couldn't realise that she has some emotional and other needs I didn't care about. I don't blame her at all.

Hey there,

From my perspective, I get the sense that you are feeling emotional about this which is totally valid; is that fair to say? If you are, I know that at the moment, it might seem like this will last forever, and if you can, try to find some reassurance in knowing that time is the best healer of hurt; however, I am aware that this is much easier said than done. Also, how are you feeling today?

[Sophievul]

6 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

From my perspective, I get the sense that you are feeling emotional about this which is totally valid; is that fair to say? If you are, I know that at the moment, it might seem like this will last forever, and if you can, try to find some reassurance in knowing that time is the best healer of hurt; however, I am aware that this is much easier said than done. Also, how are you feeling today?

I do not know, really. It still hurts, and it doesn't cease with time. The events happened over a month ago, but the pain is still the same. But I can control my emotions, so they don't interfere with my daily activities. It's also important to not show anything to my family, since I am not out to them. This is sometimes hard.

[Monsoon]

14 hours ago, Sophievul said:

I do not know, really. It still hurts, and it doesn't cease with time. The events happened over a month ago, but the pain is still the same. But I can control my emotions, so they don't interfere with my daily activities. It's also important to not show anything to my family, since I am not out to them. This is sometimes hard.

Hey,

I noticed what you said about controlling your emotions and was wondering if you can tell me more about that? Also, what opportunities would you say you have to express these feelings? It's great that you can be open here with us as it's really helpful to talk things through as this will support you in processing your emotions around this. Take care and speak soon. 

[Sophievul]

On 1/15/2023 at 11:44 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey,

I noticed what you said about controlling your emotions and was wondering if you can tell me more about that? Also, what opportunities would you say you have to express these feelings? It's great that you can be open here with us as it's really helpful to talk things through as this will support you in processing your emotions around this. Take care and speak soon. 

I can't really express my feelings, because I often feel weird if I do. I feel as if I become vulnerable if I, for example, if I cry. I am better in writing, as you maybe can see.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, it can feel pretty weird to express your feelings because the vulnerability can be uncomfortable. However, by being vulnerable, we really open our hearts and minds to possibilities for change. What do you think? Also, because writing is a strength of yours, I'm wondering, have you ever kept a diary? You might find that pretty helpful. 

[Sophievul]

21 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, it can feel pretty weird to express your feelings because the vulnerability can be uncomfortable. However, by being vulnerable, we really open our hearts and minds to possibilities for change. What do you think? Also, because writing is a strength of yours, I'm wondering, have you ever kept a diary? You might find that pretty helpful. 

I don't like change, because it always brought something wrong, especially in the last few months. I currently keep a diary.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

How is the diary going for you? Are you finding it helpful? 

[Sophievul]

It helps organizing my thoughts better. My emotions seem unaffected.

[Monsoon]

13 hours ago, Sophievul said:

It helps organizing my thoughts better. My emotions seem unaffected.

Hey there,

That's good that it's organising your thoughts better; can you tell me more about that and how it positively impacts your life? Also, it's interesting that your emotions seem unaffected; I'm wondering, can you tell me about a time when something has happened or you've done something that affects your emotions possibly? 

[Sophievul]

Hi there, 

It helps to find out certain significances. Seeing my thoughts on paper actually reveals possible flaws and different explanations. It's great, but it's mainly a sort of mind practice. My emotions are only affected by some events, like the one I told at the start of this topic. I rarely can do anything to change them.

Also a weird thing happened today. I bumped into her, and she seemed quite surprised in a good way. She said hello, and she smiled I think honestly. We couldn't talk more, there were her parents and my sister, so we just passed by. Am I just imagining things or is this actually a good sign?

[Monsoon]

21 hours ago, Sophievul said:

Hi there, 

It helps to find out certain significances. Seeing my thoughts on paper actually reveals possible flaws and different explanations. It's great, but it's mainly a sort of mind practice. My emotions are only affected by some events, like the one I told at the start of this topic. I rarely can do anything to change them.

Also a weird thing happened today. I bumped into her, and she seemed quite surprised in a good way. She said hello, and she smiled I think honestly. We couldn't talk more, there were her parents and my sister, so we just passed by. Am I just imagining things or is this actually a good sign?

Hey,

It's great to hear how helpful writing is for you; I am really glad you have discovered this way to express your feelings, especially since you aren't out to your family meaning you cannot open up to them about it right now. Also, that must have been nice for you to see her react in a positive way. In terms of it being a good sign, do you feel it is? If so, can you tell me more about that?

[Sophievul]

Yes, I feel that it is a good sign, but since I am in love with her, my judgement can be clouded. I want it to be a good sign. This is like the other signals she gave me, for example touching me, hugging me and smiling at me. I can't decide if they are platonic gestures or they mean something else.

[Monsoon]

5 hours ago, Sophievul said:

Yes, I feel that it is a good sign, but since I am in love with her, my judgement can be clouded. I want it to be a good sign. This is like the other signals she gave me, for example touching me, hugging me and smiling at me. I can't decide if they are platonic gestures or they mean something else.

Hey there,

The way she acted towards you when you saw her recently. how does that compare to the way she treated you previously? Is there a similarity?

[Sophievul]

7 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

The way she acted towards you when you saw her recently. how does that compare to the way she treated you previously? Is there a similarity?

Actually, yes. We hugged before, multiple times and we became quite close. She often smiled when she saw me. However the last days before she went she seemed a bit more distant, like she had something on her mind which she didn't want to tell me.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

That's interesting that you think she had something on her mind. From our point of view, it's difficult to say if there is a particular meaning behind the way she acted the other day. I'm wondering, what advice would you give to a friend with this particular question? 

[Sophievul]

19 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

That's interesting that you think she had something on her mind. From our point of view, it's difficult to say if there is a particular meaning behind the way she acted the other day. I'm wondering, what advice would you give to a friend with this particular question? 

I would say to them to search personal contact with their love so they could figure this out.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thank you for getting back to me with the advice you would give to a friend in a similar situation. I'm wondering then, do you think this advice may also apply to you?

[Sophievul]

I don't think so, honestly. I only could meet with her accidentally, I don't dare messaging her again. That has a small possibility.

[Bunnylover]

So there is this girl at my school. I tried saying that i like her, but she says she just sees us as friends. Its been a few week since she has said that but i still like her.