Vent and just update how life is for me

[_Kai_]

 

So I've avoided calling or even referring myself as anything feminine, from She/Her to Beautiful. Whenever I speak about myself to my parents I refer to myself as Child & they/them (Can't say son or he/him just yet), I have tried not to sign many birthday cards because of my deadname. I currently only have 2 supporters (Irl, my friend & I don't speak anymore) which are two of my sisters (Ones a toddler & the other is almost moved out), they both try to use my preferred name & pronouns which makes me hopeful for the rest of my family & the future. Although my VERY homophobic brother said he was supportive in the past, he'd always make jokes & just be rude as hell which is why I don't speak to him about all that stuff anymore (He's the only sibling super close to my age as he's a year younger than me) we were like twins growing up yet when I came out everything changed. I just felt as if he'd made everything worse because of him siding with my parents. My mom keeps bringing up me "wacking" my hair off, she & my father also keep REPEATEDLY being homophobic & transphobic which is just pissing me off to the point I feel like my patience is gonna break & I might go off on them.

I tried to ask last night if I could dye my hair a different color than blonde, yet my mom said people who dye their hair a different color than what people are born with just look like clowns, which is not what I think at all, I have wanted to dye my hair for a really long time just because it looks amazing. Anyways when I had asked my dad a few hours before he didn't seem like he wanted to say no but told me just to ask my mom, she decides almost everything for him which is irritating because she shouldn't control what he does & thinks. I have often wondered what life would be like if they were divorced since they rarely get along & have almost left each other on several occasions, I feel as if it'd be a lot better if they did but I've never brought this up to either of them.

My sh has gotten a lot worse, I've let my grades slip a bit because of all the stress yet I just get yelled at, I don't understand why they have to yell so much & why they don't just confront me nicely. 

It's just all been stressful to where I am getting the thoughts of ending it again (I won't for as long as I can)

 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear things have been tough for you recently, but I'm glad you felt able to open up to us here. I just want you to know that we are your supporters as well, and you are not alone in this. We've got your back. I'm wondering, have you spoken to your other sister who is about to move out? Also, thank you for telling us that you are having thoughts about ending it again. I just want to ask, are you safe at the moment, or have you made a plan to take your own life? It's okay to tell us if you have, and the more we know, the more we can help you. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis: 

• UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)
• USA - NSPL: 1-800-273-8255
• A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org
• https://kidshelpphone.ca/urgent-help - You can text, message them online, or call them on the number listed on this page (they are available 24/7)
• An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful. 
• If you’re in the UK, you can text SHOUT to 85258 when you are struggling, and a trained crisis volunteer will text you back. This is great if you find talking on the phone challenging, and it’s completely free 24/7

We hope to hear back from you soon. Take care and speak soon. 

 

[_Kai_]

9 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear things have been tough for you recently, but I'm glad you felt able to open up to us here. I just want you to know that we are your supporters as well, and you are not alone in this. We've got your back. I'm wondering, have you spoken to your other sister who is about to move out? Also, thank you for telling us that you are having thoughts about ending it again. I just want to ask, are you safe at the moment, or have you made a plan to take your own life? It's okay to tell us if you have, and the more we know, the more we can help you. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis: 

• UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)
• USA - NSPL: 1-800-273-8255
• A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org
• https://kidshelpphone.ca/urgent-help - You can text, message them online, or call them on the number listed on this page (they are available 24/7)
• An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful. 
• If you’re in the UK, you can text SHOUT to 85258 when you are struggling, and a trained crisis volunteer will text you back. This is great if you find talking on the phone challenging, and it’s completely free 24/7

We hope to hear back from you soon. Take care and speak soon. 

I've made a couple plans yes, like speaking to her about my thoughts or just about the whole parent situation?

[Monsoon]

3 hours ago, _Kai_ said:

I've made a couple plans yes, like speaking to her about my thoughts or just about the whole parent situation?

Hey there,

How are you feeling? I hope you're feeling a little better today, but it's okay if you're not. It sounds like you're really having a difficult struggle, and I appreciate that you probably haven't felt more positive recently. By plans, I meant plans to take your own life given that you are having thoughts about ending it again, so I just want to check where you're at with that? If you have made a plan to end it, it's okay to share this, and the more we know, the more we can help. Take care and speak soon. 

[_Kai_]

1 hour ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

How are you feeling? I hope you're feeling a little better today, but it's okay if you're not. It sounds like you're really having a difficult struggle, and I appreciate that you probably haven't felt more positive recently. By plans, I meant plans to take your own life given that you are having thoughts about ending it again, so I just want to check where you're at with that? If you have made a plan to end it, it's okay to share this, and the more we know, the more we can help. Take care and speak soon. 

I've been feeling a little better today yes. I've made a couple plans to end it recently, yet haven't thought of any of it today 

[Monsoon]

11 hours ago, _Kai_ said:

I've been feeling a little better today yes. I've made a couple plans to end it recently, yet haven't thought of any of it today 

Hi Kai,

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. What do you think is helping you to feel more positive? Also, with the plans, I'm wondering, do you think you're going to follow one of them through? It's okay to say if you are, and we just want to do what we can to help you, so please do share as much as you can, because the more we know, the more we can help.