Modern Day Rhiannon

[Celiynna-Rhae]

 

I’m Celiynna-Rhae.

I’m 25 years old, I’m visually impaired.

it’s been hard lately because… I moved back into my dying used to be town. I call it a village, the rest call it a Hellhole.

anyway, I moved back here in October because I couldn’t afford to live in the cities… or anywhere. I left here before when I was 22 because my family didn’t support me and there was no way to get help, no matter where I looked or who I asked. So, I called CRYSIS and, they took me out where I went through hospitals and IRT facilities and AFCs, a journey I loved dearly and tell longing stories of; My adventures were beyond amazing.

Then, they found my new Facebook account; I was stupid enough to let them in again. My mother promised me she’d listen and try to work things out. I was so tired, I couldn’t afford it, as I have stated before. I let myself believe her. I moved back to this prison in October at 24 years old.

Now, since November to present, I’ve been feeling restless. Old habits returned and things fell apart quickly. My mother kicked me out on the first of April and I now live with my grandparents again; I did not want this. Since April, my gypsy heart and soul have been growing, telling me what I already know.

They didn’t mean it.

They don’t want me here.

I am a burden to them.

They don’t like that I’m lesbian, They don’t like the way I dress, They don’t like my religion, They don’t like my visual impaired condition and they don’t like when I speak up about anything.

The pressure returns as I realize the true intentions of those who found me; They only wanted to bind me up and make me their prize again, to be used, to be Controled, much like my father’s rules, except much lighter.

Anyway, the urge to find true home is stronger within me now more than ever. These are not my people; My family is who I choose.

I feel the gypsy within whisper, “Ellie-Rhae, don’t put me away; Celiynna-Rhiannon, a gypsy, you’ll remain.”

I feel the need to run again. She’s getting stronger and I know I should hear her… but patience ran away so it’s hard to find.

I’ve been many places, had many say, “I love you. Please stay.” They didn’t want the real me, only the prizes I acquired. My looks, money, jewelry, my disability (to exploit it) … all physical things. Did they dare look within? Some, yes; When they did, they ran.

They run, so I run until I find someone who will have me and I can only hope they don’t run as well. I just want to find home, a real family  5463 love… whatever that is… and peace… and lots of rain!

I LOVE storms SO much! Every time it rains, it is like a siren‘s song, I literally cannot say no. I’m always out there, every time it rains I purify myself by excepting the gift of sweet surrenity. When it rains, no one can hurt me in any way, It’s true.

”Ellie-Rhae, don’t put me away; Celiynna-Rhiannon, a gypsy you’ll remain.”         A gypsy, I will remain.

 

[Monsoon]

 

Hey, 

Welcome to the Ditch the Label community. I noticed the font and colours you used, so I thought I would reply the same because I saw you said about having a visual impairment; does this size of text and colour help you?

It sounds like you have a lot of pressures in your home town in the sense that you speak of how you're faced by a lot of negativity from your family. I just want to check in and see how you're feeling about this? I can imagine it's pretty upsetting for you to not feel liked for so many different aspects by your loved ones. I hope you're as okay as you can be. Take care and speak soon. 

 

[Celiynna-Rhae]

I’m as alright as I can be.

I don’t kno what to do about the text but I’ve always written like this, every important thing is a new line.

I feel stuck, there’s nowhere to go, no one to talk to or hang out with, I’m in the wood pile every day splitting giant logs and stacking the littler split pieces just right so they don’t fall and hit me, often times they do. GrandPapa doesn’t get a lot of money so I often work fault for the promise of payment (not always in money) “someday soon, hopefully.” I work and work and work my ass of until my chronic pain makes me vomit. Why? Because I’m to fucking loyal. All my father’s rules got me with the,  “Yes, Sir,” and the, “No, Sir, I’m not in pain. I can work more.” I work until I physically drop, close to complete exhaustion… but I do it to keep my family warm, to prove I can do things and I am strong and to show my appreciation for to my grandparents for taking my own parents place.

When my mother found out I was sight impaired, she cried and sheltered me my entire life… from everything, friends, family SHE didn’t like, my beautiful Puerto Rican family when she got in a fight with them after abusing substances, partied, social events with MY friends SHE didn’t know, eating out at lunch with people SHE didn’t know, experiences SHE thought were to dangerous for me, traveling opportunities… everything; My father spent the first 17 years of my life training me to be fit, to be beautiful, to be polite and proper, to do as I am told, to never ask questions, to never anger a man, to speak Only when spoken to, to accept what little I was given (in every area) and never ask for more and there was a whole list of rules I had to learn the hard way. I was always hurt and afraid. 
I had nothing then and I feel I’m im the same circle again; It’s like the want to bleed me dry of any individuality I had/have.

i understand normal parents being afraid about normal things with a child with disabilities, but they took it way too far, imprisoned me in my own house, a place I was supposed to call Home. It’s very understandable for a mother to find out that her child has a disability and be a little afraid at first, maybe share a few tears but then, that Mother needs to step up and tell their child, “ i’m not sure how we’re gonna do this; The important thing is that we are going to do this when you grow up, you will do this.” There may be mothers in this forum with children with disabilities who may not agree with what I say but that just depends on the child and the disability and their capabilities, which a mother should very easily explore with their child. We are disabled, not unable; there is an absolute difference. Disabled… The way I see it, it’s just that we’re still able to do it, it’s just a little fucked up and that’s OK because we can still work with it. Unable, all I can tell you so many perfectly normal people, people with no disabilities who are so unable, people who don’t seem to have a lot of mental issues that are super unable, those who are unable are simply unwilling because unable it’s just like the word can’t… It just means you’re not willing to try. It’s the same with the word Busy, you ever tell somebody I’m busy? That is the laziest response… But anyway that’s not the topic.

Here I am, in a place now that a small part of me likes to be in, this is the place I called home for many years of my life. My grandparents became my parents, not legally but they did and I couldn’t be happier with the new set of parents that I have, they’ve done more than what they were capable of doing just to keep me and my brothers alive, they were only two brothers that I share with my mom and only one that I share with my dad… Both of my parents are whores. Anyway, at the same time, I know this isn’t what it is for me. This is not where I meant to be and I know that the people here, except my grandparents, want to use me and take everything from me, take my gold and turn it into something of their own; I am not going to let them do that, I must run, I must get out of here… The Gypsy soul within me screams within me, “Run, Run, RUN, until you find your home! That may take a while, so run now because you run out of time, time you don’t have.”

She grows stronger every day; I may not be able to stop her soon.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I really get the sense from what you've said that you feel like you've been held back in a way by your mother's overprotectiveness; what do you think about that? It sounds like although she did what she thought was right for your life that you have very different ideas about how things should have been.

I'm wondering, have you ever spoken to her about how you feel? If so, how did it go? Sorry for all of the questions! If there are too many, please just answer the ones you want to.

[Celiynna-Rhae]

It’s done terrible things for me, it got so bad that when I was 16, we got into a huge fight and she told me to move out so I moved in with my dad.

One year was all it took to turn me into what I am now. Now I understand that to his rules and the way he used to hit us and the way mom used to be, I wish I had better parents.

I keep trying to talk to Crysis but they just want me to have coping mechanisms and how to deal with the situation I’m in right now until I can move out… Well considering the fact that I keep getting absolutely no help from really anyone, nothings moving forward and so I’m not moving forward. I absolutely will not live my life this way, I deserve to feel free especially after all that shit . And they sure as hell don’t deserve the jewels they squandered after stealing them from me.

[Monsoon]

On 7/28/2022 at 6:11 PM, Celiynna-Rhae said:

It’s done terrible things for me, it got so bad that when I was 16, we got into a huge fight and she told me to move out so I moved in with my dad.

One year was all it took to turn me into what I am now. Now I understand that to his rules and the way he used to hit us and the way mom used to be, I wish I had better parents.

I keep trying to talk to Crysis but they just want me to have coping mechanisms and how to deal with the situation I’m in right now until I can move out… Well considering the fact that I keep getting absolutely no help from really anyone, nothings moving forward and so I’m not moving forward. I absolutely will not live my life this way, I deserve to feel free especially after all that shit . And they sure as hell don’t deserve the jewels they squandered after stealing them from me.

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that your dad used to hit you. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for you to grow up in such an environment like that. Did you ever tell anyone at the time when it was happening? 

Also, I'm glad Crysis have been supporting you. Have you been finding that helpful?

[Celiynna-Rhae]

I tried to tell people, we would tell our mom that he did this that or the other thing to us, she used to get really mad… But she wouldn’t really do anything. Now she’ll claim she never remembered us telling her anything.I tried to tell people, we would tell our mom that he did this that or the other thing to us, she used to get really mad… But she wouldn’t really do anything. Now she’ll claim she never remembered us telling her anything.

I’m not really sure what to do because it doesn’t really seem like anything is helping.

throughout my teenage years, my mom started popping pills and drinking alcohol… And she would be completely unavailable for us, my brothers and I would have to go get food from the store ourselves, her younger brother stopped working with us after a while so it was just me and Alex. Mom would start physically hurting Alex more than me but she would hurt me, she would slam Alex up against doors and provoke him into anger… Then spinet to where she was trying to calm him because he was angry, but the thing she never said it was that she made him angry, she made all of us angry, except the favorite.

so both of our parents sucked. When I moved in with my dad at 16 until I was 17, that here with him made me question my existence, made me wonder if I was really human, made me wonder if what he wanted us women to be and the girls to be was all that I was meant to be. He had all these rules and shit, you know rules that would keep us in line… And if we broke those rules… He tried his best to break us, he break us mentally and emotionally for sure but not always physically, sometimes we got lucky that way… But it was mainly his partners that got truly and severely physically battered. As kids got older, the beatings got worse because we were able to take more… Now I have a high pain tolerance and a medical marijuana card… I can take a lot of pain, I just don’t like a lot of pain.

Sometimes, I wonder if half the things that happened were real. And then I remember feeling the pain that would come from all of it, and some of that even echoes the pain that I feel now. My medical marijuana is the only thing that helps take the pain away. I would never switch it, even if I could because man-made pills are bullshit… Pretty much everything man-made is bullshit..

No matter what we did, no matter what we said… We always ended up back in the care of our mother, or back with dad… Depending on where we lived at the time. I was 16 years old and I was very mentally sick, probably from the previous times were as a child, before dad moved away, he would be very nasty to us… I was happy when he moved away, and the sense of dread filled me when he moved back. Then when I moved in with him at 16,  I think I understood right away that I was going to be trapped in the realm of darkness again, but my mother didn’t want me then. It was my belief that at that point in time, she had this on me because of something she said over a phone call. So I lived with him, lived in darkness and tried to strengthen myself to defeat the darkness, to defeat his words in his voice, to defeat his rules and the physical pain from his hands and everything he threw. 

my grandmother just swept everything under the rug as far as I know, I only heard once of a time where she may or may not have stepped up to my mother and told her something was wrong… But it was only told by her and she couldn’t give any real examples so I don’t really know if that’s true. I don’t believe anyone, my family… What is family?

I had a best friend, a soul sister named Rosalinda… It has been a while since I’ve spoken to her, and I have found out that my sister Deja I’ve been speaking to her a whole lot more than Rosalinda has been speaking to me. So I was just curious, I was like why are you catching up with her but you’re not catching up with me, why are you making songs with her but you couldn’t even think twice about the song we once made… Why the hell do you always make plans to go see her, but never plan to come to my house… Shit like that. Well it turned out after a conversation we had, that she said that she didn’t see me as a sister, she said that she realized that she never did see it that way. She said she saw me as a really good friend, two stabs in the heart, two stabs too many. You don’t get to just walk away from being family, when I said sister, I meant sister… When I say family, I mean family. So I recently decided to let her go. I just gave her a tiny little note, and just reminded her about the real she was losing, the real she dropped out on. She didn’t even cry when she was trying to tell me, she didn’t cry, she didn’t sound anything but her tired old self. So I said to her, maybe you’ll cry when you realize all you have around you’re a bunch of fake ass bitches who don’t except you for who you really are. I also recommended that if she decides she’s gonna get close enough to somebody to call them family, that she asks them whether or not they actually had one, so that she can tell whether or not backing out would be a good idea on this one or if she should just leave that person alone because obviously she can’t keep a commitment to save her life. 

Family… what is family? Who are these people, what am I?

 

 

[Monsoon]

7 hours ago, Celiynna-Rhae said:

I tried to tell people, we would tell our mom that he did this that or the other thing to us, she used to get really mad… But she wouldn’t really do anything. Now she’ll claim she never remembered us telling her anything.I tried to tell people, we would tell our mom that he did this that or the other thing to us, she used to get really mad… But she wouldn’t really do anything. Now she’ll claim she never remembered us telling her anything.

I’m not really sure what to do because it doesn’t really seem like anything is helping.

throughout my teenage years, my mom started popping pills and drinking alcohol… And she would be completely unavailable for us, my brothers and I would have to go get food from the store ourselves, her younger brother stopped working with us after a while so it was just me and Alex. Mom would start physically hurting Alex more than me but she would hurt me, she would slam Alex up against doors and provoke him into anger… Then spinet to where she was trying to calm him because he was angry, but the thing she never said it was that she made him angry, she made all of us angry, except the favorite.

so both of our parents sucked. When I moved in with my dad at 16 until I was 17, that here with him made me question my existence, made me wonder if I was really human, made me wonder if what he wanted us women to be and the girls to be was all that I was meant to be. He had all these rules and shit, you know rules that would keep us in line… And if we broke those rules… He tried his best to break us, he break us mentally and emotionally for sure but not always physically, sometimes we got lucky that way… But it was mainly his partners that got truly and severely physically battered. As kids got older, the beatings got worse because we were able to take more… Now I have a high pain tolerance and a medical marijuana card… I can take a lot of pain, I just don’t like a lot of pain.

Sometimes, I wonder if half the things that happened were real. And then I remember feeling the pain that would come from all of it, and some of that even echoes the pain that I feel now. My medical marijuana is the only thing that helps take the pain away. I would never switch it, even if I could because man-made pills are bullshit… Pretty much everything man-made is bullshit..

No matter what we did, no matter what we said… We always ended up back in the care of our mother, or back with dad… Depending on where we lived at the time. I was 16 years old and I was very mentally sick, probably from the previous times were as a child, before dad moved away, he would be very nasty to us… I was happy when he moved away, and the sense of dread filled me when he moved back. Then when I moved in with him at 16,  I think I understood right away that I was going to be trapped in the realm of darkness again, but my mother didn’t want me then. It was my belief that at that point in time, she had this on me because of something she said over a phone call. So I lived with him, lived in darkness and tried to strengthen myself to defeat the darkness, to defeat his words in his voice, to defeat his rules and the physical pain from his hands and everything he threw. 

my grandmother just swept everything under the rug as far as I know, I only heard once of a time where she may or may not have stepped up to my mother and told her something was wrong… But it was only told by her and she couldn’t give any real examples so I don’t really know if that’s true. I don’t believe anyone, my family… What is family?

I had a best friend, a soul sister named Rosalinda… It has been a while since I’ve spoken to her, and I have found out that my sister Deja I’ve been speaking to her a whole lot more than Rosalinda has been speaking to me. So I was just curious, I was like why are you catching up with her but you’re not catching up with me, why are you making songs with her but you couldn’t even think twice about the song we once made… Why the hell do you always make plans to go see her, but never plan to come to my house… Shit like that. Well it turned out after a conversation we had, that she said that she didn’t see me as a sister, she said that she realized that she never did see it that way. She said she saw me as a really good friend, two stabs in the heart, two stabs too many. You don’t get to just walk away from being family, when I said sister, I meant sister… When I say family, I mean family. So I recently decided to let her go. I just gave her a tiny little note, and just reminded her about the real she was losing, the real she dropped out on. She didn’t even cry when she was trying to tell me, she didn’t cry, she didn’t sound anything but her tired old self. So I said to her, maybe you’ll cry when you realize all you have around you’re a bunch of fake ass bitches who don’t except you for who you really are. I also recommended that if she decides she’s gonna get close enough to somebody to call them family, that she asks them whether or not they actually had one, so that she can tell whether or not backing out would be a good idea on this one or if she should just leave that person alone because obviously she can’t keep a commitment to save her life. 

Family… what is family? Who are these people, what am I?

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed reply; this has really helped me to understand what your upbringing was like. It sounds like you really had it tough growing up. Home is supposed to be a safe space where we feel cared for and respected, and I can imagine that living in such a difficult environment was unbearable for you. How are things now between you and your parents? Does your dad still treat you in this way?

Also, I hope that you're feeling okay after sharing all of that. It can be really painful to relive difficult memories and I hope you have been able to take some time to relax and focus on yourself. I hope to hear back from you soon. Take care. 

[Celiynna-Rhae]

I told you, no one changes.

I don’t talk to my father anymore.

This is not my home; I must leave.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

I just want you to know that I've replied on your other topic. Speak soon. 

[Celiynna-Rhae]

I just answered you, I hope I don’t seem too negative there. I am at least grateful that you took the time to talk to me, to try to understand my situation. Not a lot of people do that.

[Blondie]

18 hours ago, Celiynna-Rhae said:

I just answered you, I hope I don’t seem too negative there. I am at least grateful that you took the time to talk to me, to try to understand my situation. Not a lot of people do that.

I just wanted to reassure you that we don't judge and we're here for you. 

[Celiynna-Rhae]

I just wish I had people near me to talk to.

i feel very alone here.

II want at least one person who really does understand me.

I don’t want to be alone anymore.

[Monsoon]

19 hours ago, Celiynna-Rhae said:

I just wish I had people near me to talk to.

i feel very alone here.

II want at least one person who really does understand me.

I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Hey,

Yeah, I totally get that. Is there anyone who you could form a deeper connection with that might have that potential to understand you?