I really don't wanna do this anymore... !TW! talking about familly problems , anger issues and suicidal thoughts also a bit of sh

[Oktawcia]

 

• At first i wanted to apologize for my not very good english, but i'm trying. I wanna start with my family problems. My family is kinda weird. They always were different (i mean my parents). I'm kinda sick of them bc they always yell at me for no reason. Then i spend many hours of crying and wondering what did i do wrong. I often think that i am simply not good enough. I always get judged bu them and forcing to live like they want me to. I don't know what "going out" means. I feel like they dont care about me unless its about school and grades. I usually bring home a's and b's but whenever i got something under c i get grounded. They are always stressing me out and because of that i gained a lot of bad habbits. Yesterday I lterally smashed my phone bc of my anger issues. I really dont wanna live like that. I feel worthless, useless and unnecessary. I dont think  I belong here. I've always dreamed about a life as one of my friends. I also feel very unloved and I think I am a disgrace to them. I'm not brave enough to tell them but i know they would see me as a psycho. I used to sh a lot but i stopped. Now I am thinking about starting it again bc i cant hold that amount of stress. I am addicted to my phone but since i broke it i cant stop crying. I know its bad but I really cant help it. They wont fix it or buy me a new one so i am really upset about that. I know that its my fault but i cant control it. I really wish I could. I dont really know what to do. I am scared that my anger issues will cause many diffrent problems and it will not sop at destroying my phone but something else like tv, wall, or maybe door. I know it sounds stupid but i have no one i can talk to. I slowly start to think that no one wants me here nd that i should kms. I was kinda suicidal my whole life but not that much. I spent last night crying non-stop bc I have enough of my life. I'e lost all my motivation and I really wanna get out of this. I need some help but idk how to ask for one.

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[Monsoon]

Thank you for opening up here. I'm one of the digital mentors and I give support to those who reach out to us. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure at the moment and that it's all really getting to you. I just want you to know that we are here for you and you're not alone in this. Just before I go ahead and support you further, can I check, are you safe right now? It's okay to be honest if you aren't. I know it might not seem like it now, but this dark cloud will pass and you can get through this. You have us now. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis: 

• UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)
• USA - NSPL: 1-800-273-8255
• A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org
• An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful. 
• If you’re in the UK, you can text SHOUT to 85258 when you are struggling, and a trained crisis volunteer will text you back. This is great if you find talking on the phone challenging, and it’s completely free 24/7