I'm slowly falling in love with a trans male who's one of my closest friends, but he's crushing on another girl... How do I move on, and not let this affect me negatively?

[Molly9090]

He's known the other girl longer than he's known me, and he's been crushing on her for a while. I'm trying to befriend his crush, just to get to know her better, since she actually does seem like a good person. Yes, I am slightly jealous, but I won't jeopardize anything between my crush and her, because I just want him to be happy, and if being with her makes him happy, I won't ruin any of it. How do I move on? This is probably the first time I've actually started falling in love with him, and I know that if we actually got into a relationship together (if he felt the same for me), it wouldn't work out in the long term, since he's got a religious homophobic parent (who doesn't know he's trans), and my parents disapprove of my crush (they say he's nice, but they're... slightly offensive when it comes to describing him. They remind me that he's still a 'girl', as he hasn't taken bottom or top surgery yet, and that if I like him, I'm considered a lesbian... even though I'm technically bi, since I like both males and females, males mostly, but females sometimes too - but my parents don't know that, and I'm scared to come out to them. In conclusion: I want to move on from this crush, as it wouldn't work out for both of us in the long term if we got together, and if he asks her out, I don't want it to hurt.

[Daisie]

2 hours ago, Molly9090 said:

He's known the other girl longer than he's known me, and he's been crushing on her for a while. I'm trying to befriend his crush, just to get to know her better, since she actually does seem like a good person. Yes, I am slightly jealous, but I won't jeopardize anything between my crush and her, because I just want him to be happy, and if being with her makes him happy, I won't ruin any of it. How do I move on? This is probably the first time I've actually started falling in love with him, and I know that if we actually got into a relationship together (if he felt the same for me), it wouldn't work out in the long term, since he's got a religious homophobic parent (who doesn't know he's trans), and my parents disapprove of my crush (they say he's nice, but they're... slightly offensive when it comes to describing him. They remind me that he's still a 'girl', as he hasn't taken bottom or top surgery yet, and that if I like him, I'm considered a lesbian... even though I'm technically bi, since I like both males and females, males mostly, but females sometimes too - but my parents don't know that, and I'm scared to come out to them. In conclusion: I want to move on from this crush, as it wouldn't work out for both of us in the long term if we got together, and if he asks her out, I don't want it to hurt.

Hey @Molly9090

I am Daisie a Community Warden here on the forum, I have just read your post and wondered if you'd feel it's beneficial to talk things through with one of our Trained Mentors? I'll tag them in so you know who they are and so they can reach out to you for some support and advice. @Monsoon & @Blondie

[Monsoon]

10 hours ago, Molly9090 said:

He's known the other girl longer than he's known me, and he's been crushing on her for a while. I'm trying to befriend his crush, just to get to know her better, since she actually does seem like a good person. Yes, I am slightly jealous, but I won't jeopardize anything between my crush and her, because I just want him to be happy, and if being with her makes him happy, I won't ruin any of it. How do I move on? This is probably the first time I've actually started falling in love with him, and I know that if we actually got into a relationship together (if he felt the same for me), it wouldn't work out in the long term, since he's got a religious homophobic parent (who doesn't know he's trans), and my parents disapprove of my crush (they say he's nice, but they're... slightly offensive when it comes to describing him. They remind me that he's still a 'girl', as he hasn't taken bottom or top surgery yet, and that if I like him, I'm considered a lesbian... even though I'm technically bi, since I like both males and females, males mostly, but females sometimes too - but my parents don't know that, and I'm scared to come out to them. In conclusion: I want to move on from this crush, as it wouldn't work out for both of us in the long term if we got together, and if he asks her out, I don't want it to hurt.

Hey there,

That's really mature of you, not jeopardising anything between them - you're a good person :). This is a tricky one really because you're falling in love with him, and it can be really tricky for us to move on when we haven't expressed our feelings. I'm wondering, how do you think it would feel for you to tell him what's going on for you?

[Molly9090]

Hi, @Monsoon ! 

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it :)

I really like the close friendship bond I have with him, and I'm afraid of expressing my feelings for him, because I don't want to confuse or hurt him, or the bond I have with him... I'm worried that I'll upset or confuse him by expressing how I feel about him, especially since he's crushing on another girl. I'm afraid that expressing my feelings would only hurt both of us more in the process :(

Edited May 19, 2022 by Molly9090

[Molly9090]

Hi, @Daisie!

Yeah, I'd really like to talk things out with @Monsoon and @Blondie. Thank you very much for the reply! :)

[Monsoon]

4 hours ago, Molly9090 said:

Hi, @Monsoon ! 

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it :)

I really like the close friendship bond I have with him, and I'm afraid of expressing my feelings for him, because I don't want to confuse or hurt him, or the bond I have with him... I'm worried that I'll upset or confuse him by expressing how I feel about him, especially since he's crushing on another girl. I'm afraid that expressing my feelings would only hurt both of us more in the process :(

Hey there,

Yeah, I totally get that you don't want to confuse or hurt him, but on the other hand, might he be feeling the same way in terms of liking you but then also being too cautious to say anything? What do you think?

[Molly9090]

@Monsoon I mean... regarding in the past (which was around a month ago), yes, he has displayed signs of attraction towards me, like compliments, shoulder pats, hugs... Now, we both still like hugging each other, and shoulder pats to each other are pretty frequent too! But I think it's just him - he's friendly and outgoing with everyone. I haven't seen him hug or pat anyone else though, and I'm one of the people that he's opened up to the most, but he doesn't really mind talking about his crush to me when I ask, and that kinda hurts... 

Also... would crushes affect someone if they're polygamous...? He told me that he's polygamous, but so far he's only crushing on her the most, and the other crushes he had before are now regarded as 'just friends'... I'd like to think there's a small chance he likes me, but at the same time I don't want that to happen, since it'll only end up hurting us both. :(

[Monsoon]

23 hours ago, Molly9090 said:

@Monsoon I mean... regarding in the past (which was around a month ago), yes, he has displayed signs of attraction towards me, like compliments, shoulder pats, hugs... Now, we both still like hugging each other, and shoulder pats to each other are pretty frequent too! But I think it's just him - he's friendly and outgoing with everyone. I haven't seen him hug or pat anyone else though, and I'm one of the people that he's opened up to the most, but he doesn't really mind talking about his crush to me when I ask, and that kinda hurts... 

Also... would crushes affect someone if they're polygamous...? He told me that he's polygamous, but so far he's only crushing on her the most, and the other crushes he had before are now regarded as 'just friends'... I'd like to think there's a small chance he likes me, but at the same time I don't want that to happen, since it'll only end up hurting us both. :(

Hey there,

I think that when it comes to a difficult decision like this, it can be really helpful to imagine yourself in ten years looking back at this situation and wondering if you'd regret not saying something. What do you think about that? 

[Molly9090]

@Monsoon That's a really interesting way to go about it! I think I'd kind of feel a slight twinge of regret on not saying something back then, but maybe feel relieved at the same time that I didn't, since we've both got complicated family issues... My parents know that I'm crushing on him, but they're telling me to stop, because since he hasn't received bottom or top surgery yet, they refer to him as a 'girl', and they just don't like it. They've met my crush and they like him as a person, but they don't want me crushing on him because he's 'still a girl'... I've never even regarded or thought of him as a girl when we first met, and I still don't, even after he came out to me as trans. I've asked my parents to stop calling him using 'she/her' pronouns, because it's disrespectful, but... That didn't really change their minds... They also say he's slightly immature, but I can't really blame him because of his background. I don't really mind him being silly, because I like him for being him. His kindness and supportive personality is what makes me like him, and I don't want to lose that.

I really don't know what to do at this point... I've already imagined scenarios where he liked me and asked me out, and I felt really happy, but really sad at the same time... we wouldn't last long if we entered a relationship because of our family issues. This is pretty much why I want to get over the crush before he potentially develops feelings for me and we both end up hurting in the end.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I’m sorry to hear that your family refuse to use his proper pronouns. How does it make you feel when he acts like that? 

Also, although you have reservations, again, might you look back in regret at not even trying despite the family issues? What do you think? 

[Molly9090]

@Monsoon I guess I would feel a little regret at not saying anything... But at the same time, I'd feel relieved that I didn't say anything given my current situation... I think it would be healthy for me to move on from this crush, as I don't really see it working out in the long term. Besides, I know I'll find someone else in the future that I can trust, so I'm willing to wait for it. :)

I just want to learn how to move on from this crush without isolating myself from him, since I see him every week.

[Monsoon]

6 hours ago, Molly9090 said:

@Monsoon I guess I would feel a little regret at not saying anything... But at the same time, I'd feel relieved that I didn't say anything given my current situation... I think it would be healthy for me to move on from this crush, as I don't really see it working out in the long term. Besides, I know I'll find someone else in the future that I can trust, so I'm willing to wait for it. :)

I just want to learn how to move on from this crush without isolating myself from him, since I see him every week.

Hey there,

That's fair enough, and we can definitely talk about ways to move forward. I'm wondering, have you had a crush before and moved on from it? If so, what would you say helped?

[Molly9090]

@Monsoon Yeah, I have once before in my childhood. It took me a few years to move on from him, since he was my first crush. I was a child back then, so I only crushed on him for his looks, as well as the fact that we always talked about our common interests. When I look back now, I realize that it wasn't a crush as serious as the one I have now - I didn't know anything back then, I was just a kid. I guess the main reason why I'm having trouble letting go now is because I'm still seeing my crush every week, and we're not only discussing about common interests, but our plans for the future (in terms of careers, countries, etc.), and for him to vent to me when he's down, which usually ends up in me cheering him up, and supporting him.

What made me get over my last crush was that I had to acknowledge that he's on the other side of the world, and he's staying there. I just had to get him off my head to move on with life. Other than that, I can't really remember any other reason why I got over the crush...

[Monsoon]

9 hours ago, Molly9090 said:

@Monsoon Yeah, I have once before in my childhood. It took me a few years to move on from him, since he was my first crush. I was a child back then, so I only crushed on him for his looks, as well as the fact that we always talked about our common interests. When I look back now, I realize that it wasn't a crush as serious as the one I have now - I didn't know anything back then, I was just a kid. I guess the main reason why I'm having trouble letting go now is because I'm still seeing my crush every week, and we're not only discussing about common interests, but our plans for the future (in terms of careers, countries, etc.), and for him to vent to me when he's down, which usually ends up in me cheering him up, and supporting him.

What made me get over my last crush was that I had to acknowledge that he's on the other side of the world, and he's staying there. I just had to get him off my head to move on with life. Other than that, I can't really remember any other reason why I got over the crush...

Hey there,

Yeah, it's a tricky situation with your current crush, especially as you're quite close and you see him every week. I think you touched on something really important in your message that helped you move on, and that is time. Time really is the best healer, as well as space between you and the person you have feelings for. What do you think? How would it be for you to distance yourself from him? 

[Molly9090]

@Monsoon I just really want to thank you so much for your help so far, it really means a lot to me that you're willing to listen to me vent about my thoughts, and guide me towards a better answer :)

But, I don't think it would work out well if I distanced myself... I think that he'd catch up on it quickly, and ask me what's going on... If I distanced myself from him for a long period of time, he'd definitely be concerned about me, and feel guilty about himself not being a good friend. That would be the last thing I want him to feel - he's a really great friend, and I don't want that to be damaged. I feel that he already underestimates himself too much, and I want him to see himself how I see him -  a kind, wonderful guy who's open to new experiences, has a friendly attitude, and is an absolute joy to be around with. He always cheers me up when I'm down, and I want to do the same to him. I think it would damage our friendship if I distanced myself from him...

 

 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, that makes complete sense about the distancing. I'm wondering then, is there anything else you can do? It sounds like you're keen on staying close to him? Can you work through it while still being friends? 

[Molly9090]

@Monsoon Yeah, I'm keen to stay close to him - it's been a while since I've met a person like him, and I'd love to be there for him as much as he's there for me. I'm not sure how I'll be able to work through it while being friends, but I'll try my best to do so. It'll be hard, but not impossible. :)

[Monsoon]

I can tell how fond you are of him and it's so lovely to read; it sounds like the relationship is so special to you :)

Would you like anymore support now, or are you good? 

[Molly9090]

@Monsoon I think I'd just like some advice on moving on in this situation, and I should be all set to go. :)

Once again, thank you so so much for your kind words and your help! It really means a lot to me. :)

[Monsoon]

Hey Molly :) 

I think this is an interesting one because of how you feel and yet how close you still are, and really, the best thing in this kind of situation is time; being open about how you're feeling where possible will help you to process those feelings, but ultimately, it's trusting the process and adapting to the relationship with these feelings. I would usually recommend taking some space, because it can be tricky to move forward when you are still so close, but I know you don't want to do that. What do you think? What advice would you give to a friend with this question?

[Molly9090]

@Monsoon I think that I'd advise the friend to let their crush know about how they're feeling, if the crush and the friend both had families who were supportive of their choices and preferences. If the crush and the friend turn out to be in a close friendship, I'd ask the friend to try throwing subtle, playful hints at their crush to see their reaction, and just recommend the friend to spend more time with their crush in general to strengthen their bond. When the time is right and the crush seems to get closer to the friend, and when the crush exhibits signs that they liked the friend, I'd ask the friend to consider confessing how they felt. I guess this is what I'd say to a friend if they had the same question as me.

[Blondie]

2 hours ago, Molly9090 said:

@Monsoon I think that I'd advise the friend to let their crush know about how they're feeling, if the crush and the friend both had families who were supportive of their choices and preferences. If the crush and the friend turn out to be in a close friendship, I'd ask the friend to try throwing subtle, playful hints at their crush to see their reaction, and just recommend the friend to spend more time with their crush in general to strengthen their bond. When the time is right and the crush seems to get closer to the friend, and when the crush exhibits signs that they liked the friend, I'd ask the friend to consider confessing how they felt. I guess this is what I'd say to a friend if they had the same question as me.

Hi there, I'm Blondie one of the support mentors.

I hope you don't mind me jumbling in while Monsoon is on annual leave?

I think your advice sounds really good. Open and honest communication is key in all relationships, whether friendships or more.

[Molly9090]

Hi, @Blondie! It's nice to meet you, and thank you so much for the help! :)

Yeah, I do agree that open and honest communication is the key to maintaining friendships and relationships, and is also the key to strengthening them. I think it would be pretty hard to maintain close bonds without showing integrity...

[Ambi]

It sounds like the only one in this situation being hurt is you. I am so sorry that you aren't in a comfortable place with your crush or your parents. Situation aside, you like this person and I feel like you've had to make a lot of compromise already. I feel like it would benefit you to get these emotions off your chest by letting them be known to your trans friend. Their response might give you the closure you need to move on. As for your parents if you're not comfortable being out yet, I would just keep your romantic relationships secret until you're able to be out to them.

[Molly9090]

@Ambi, thank you so much for your input, it really means a lot. <3

That's what I'm afraid of doing. I'm afraid that maybe he might be developing these feelings for me now... he's started acting a little more fidgety around me, and today he wore the jacket I gave him for his birthday to school! >///<

I'm afraid that if he feels the same for me, I've just put us both under a more uncomfortable situation, since I'm not even allowed to date, and my parents... they tell me not to think about dating the opposite sex or anyone in the LGBTQ+ community, or even dating in general, because I'm 'too young' (I'm 17)... If I actually got into a relationship with him, I think my parents would easily find out - they'd catch up on how close we'd be during hangouts (with family), they'd catch me zoning out frequently, plus, it would put him in a dangerous situation if his mom found out - she's extremely religious, therefore... I think you know what it means. :(