idk what to do

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

My life is pretty crappy right now. I have very few reasons to keep going, but I feel like my limited number of reasons are reason enough. About a month and a half ago I started self-harming, I tried so hard not to at first, drawing on myself with a red marker, but then I couldn't hold back anymore. I still try not to but somedays life gets to be too much. Only my close friends know about it, but I can't tell my girlfriend. Those are my reasons to keep going, my girlfriend and my friends who are so close to me they're like family. They are my family, because my blood relatives suck, we're creating our futures based around the fact that we are each other's family, my best friend, he's gonna be the uncle to my future kids. These two reasons are why I still exist, but I'm scared one day these two reasons won't seem like enough and I'll do something I regret. Suggestions?

[Monsoon]

58 minutes ago, mentalhealthdumpsterfire said:

My life is pretty crappy right now. I have very few reasons to keep going, but I feel like my limited number of reasons are reason enough. About a month and a half ago I started self-harming, I tried so hard not to at first, drawing on myself with a red marker, but then I couldn't hold back anymore. I still try not to but somedays life gets to be too much. Only my close friends know about it, but I can't tell my girlfriend. Those are my reasons to keep going, my girlfriend and my friends who are so close to me they're like family. They are my family, because my blood relatives suck, we're creating our futures based around the fact that we are each other's family, my best friend, he's gonna be the uncle to my future kids. These two reasons are why I still exist, but I'm scared one day these two reasons won't seem like enough and I'll do something I regret. Suggestions?

Hey,

Welcome to the Ditch the Label community. I'm glad you've found your reasons to keep going; it's always good to remember what is important to you and why you're here. I think you've been really brave opening up about this here; how does it feel to get this off your chest? I'm wondering, what is it about these reasons that make them enough to stay here? What is it you value about them?

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

I value my family (friends) because they're always there for me and I love each of them more than any of my blood relatives, we listen to each other and help when we can. I value my girlfriend because she can always make me smile no matter how bad of a day I'm having and I love her very much.

[Monsoon]

16 hours ago, mentalhealthdumpsterfire said:

I value my family (friends) because they're always there for me and I love each of them more than any of my blood relatives, we listen to each other and help when we can. I value my girlfriend because she can always make me smile no matter how bad of a day I'm having and I love her very much.

Hey there,

Okay, so it sounds like you value connections with people, which we all do. I'm wondering, do you think it's likely that those connections won't be there one day, or are they pretty solid? 

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

They're pretty solid, since my close friends and I think of each other as family, it's very unlikely that we'll ever stop being friends.

[Monsoon]

13 hours ago, mentalhealthdumpsterfire said:

They're pretty solid, since my close friends and I think of each other as family, it's very unlikely that we'll ever stop being friends.

Hey there,

It sounds like those connections are pretty solid and secure then, and I imagine you get a lot from them. Connections are one of the most important things that we need as humans, so I'm wondering, what makes you fear that one day they won't be enough? 

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

I'm worried that someday I'll be feeling incredibly crappy and decide to end it despite these relationships.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Can I ask, are you getting any support for your mental health at the moment, like seeing a therapist? Also, have you spoken to anyone else about how you're feeling?

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

My close friends know how I'm feeling, and I'm gonna start therapy again in May.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

I'm glad your friends know and that you'll be starting therapy again in May. How are you feeling about going back? Also, what was therapy like for you last time? 

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

Therapy was very crappy for me last time, anytime I would tell her things that were different from what she wanted to hear she would tell my parents, which is the exact opposite of what I wanted. Hopefully this time it will be much better because I'm getting a different one.

[Monsoon]

2 hours ago, mentalhealthdumpsterfire said:

Therapy was very crappy for me last time, anytime I would tell her things that were different from what she wanted to hear she would tell my parents, which is the exact opposite of what I wanted. Hopefully this time it will be much better because I'm getting a different one.

Hey there,

Can you tell me more about what kinds of things you said that were different from what she wanted to hear? Also, did she explain why she had to tell your parents?

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

She wanted me to get better but I wasn't so most of the time I faked it but on days I didn't care I told her the truth. She never told me she was going to tell my parents, after the session when I walked out, she would pull my mom aside and tell her.

[Monsoon]

On 4/19/2022 at 8:55 PM, mentalhealthdumpsterfire said:

She wanted me to get better but I wasn't so most of the time I faked it but on days I didn't care I told her the truth. She never told me she was going to tell my parents, after the session when I walked out, she would pull my mom aside and tell her.

Hey there,

Ah, okay. I'm wondering, why do you think she told your parents when you weren't okay? Also, can you tell me more about why you faked it with the old therapist? 

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

I don't know why she did, and it helped nothing since my parents are the source of my not being ok.  So I wouldn't tell her my problems, and therefore I would not get anything out of those therapy sessions.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I'm thinking that maybe she told them to make sure you were okay and could be looked after; what do you think?

Also, I completely get why you didn't get anything out of those sessions as your parents are the source of the problem. I'm wondering though, do your parents need to hear about how they've affected your life?

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

I tell them all the time about how they affect my life and they tell me to get over it.

[Monsoon]

15 hours ago, mentalhealthdumpsterfire said:

I tell them all the time about how they affect my life and they tell me to get over it.

Hey there,

I'm sorry they react like that and I can imagine it makes you feel completely unheard and invalidated. How is it for you then they do this? 

I think that when someone has done something wrong and the person they did it to tells them, it can be tricky to own up to it because of how close you are and they can end up feeling attacked which makes them defensive. Therefore, in these kinds of situations, it helps for there to be a more neutral person, like a therapist, feeding this kind of information back to them. When it comes from a more neutral person, this can often mean that they feel less attacked when being told and end up listening more. What do you think? 

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

I think that they'll never listen to me no matter what, my mom told me she will never call me my preferred name.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Ah, sorry to hear your mom said that; I cannot imagine how tough that must have been for you, to invalidate your identity like that. How does it make you feel about your parents when they do things like that?

Also, going back to what you said about how they won't listen to you, I think it relates to what I said about how having a neutral person will help, because they are getting the information from someone else, it's easier for them to understand because it's less emotional and can give people more space to take in what is going on. What do you think?

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

Yeah I really hope therapy will help.

[Monsoon]

6 hours ago, mentalhealthdumpsterfire said:

Yeah I really hope therapy will help.

Yeah, I'm sure it will if you give your full self to it, regardless of what information they might pass on to your parents. Would you like to talk about this any more, or are you good for now? 

[mentalhealthdumpsterfire]

I'm good

[Monsoon]

2 hours ago, mentalhealthdumpsterfire said:

I'm good

That's good to hear. If you need more support, you know where we are :)