how do you love yourself?

[ScarlettJane119]

ive realised that for my whole life ive never loved myself. ive been confident but not self-confident. ive been proud of what ive achieved, but not myself. i love other people so much to the point that its normal to not treat myself with the care and love that i do with other people. its just become normal, so i dont even know what loving yourself feels like? aghh im just frustrated. because now ive met someone i really think things could work out with if i gave it a chance, but i cant see how or why he would love me. its a given that i love him the way i do. but to imagine that he loves me... it seems impossible.  i dont want to start anything if i cant take it seriously.

anyone got anything for me?

[Cal_The_Oyster]

Apart from

GIRL! From what I've read what's not to love about you? 

You strike me as a kind caring compassionate person who just wants to find herself.

These are qualities any decent person would love to have in a partner or friend 

Myself included.

If the person you're into doesn't love you for any of the above reasons I know full-heartedly that you will find someone who does.

All the best

Thisboiistrans

Xxx

[Daisie]

Hey @ScarlettJane119

Just wanted to say a warm welcome to the community!

I am Daisie a Community Warden, and wondered whether you’d feel like having a chat with one of our Trained Mentors? They can give you some support and advice I will tag them in so you know who they are, and so they can reach out to you. @Monsoon & @Blondie

Look forward to seeing you around!

[Monsoon]

18 hours ago, ScarlettJane119 said:

ive realised that for my whole life ive never loved myself. ive been confident but not self-confident. ive been proud of what ive achieved, but not myself. i love other people so much to the point that its normal to not treat myself with the care and love that i do with other people. its just become normal, so i dont even know what loving yourself feels like? aghh im just frustrated. because now ive met someone i really think things could work out with if i gave it a chance, but i cant see how or why he would love me. its a given that i love him the way i do. but to imagine that he loves me... it seems impossible.  i dont want to start anything if i cant take it seriously.

anyone got anything for me?

Hey @ScarlettJane119

Thank you for being open with us here. I'm wondering, why do you think you've never loved yourself? How come others are worthy of love, but you don't give it to yourself?

[ScarlettJane119]

@Thisboiistrans heyy thanks soo much for your message ahh it made me smile anyways i hope youre doing good!! thanks again :)) it means more than you know 

[ScarlettJane119]

On 4/12/2022 at 9:55 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey @ScarlettJane119

Thank you for being open with us here. I'm wondering, why do you think you've never loved yourself? How come others are worthy of love, but you don't give it to yourself?

tbh im not sure. its just never occured. not like "oh no i hate myself i can never love myself" i just never have. not really, anyway. 
and to your second question, i guess its just lack of self esteem. still trying to build that up but i'll admit its not too easy. 

thanks for this tho. it really means a lot :))

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, I think it all comes down to self-esteem really and I'm glad to hear you're trying to build that up. Would you like to share with me what you've been doing to grow your self-esteem?

[ScarlettJane119]

3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, I think it all comes down to self-esteem really and I'm glad to hear you're trying to build that up. Would you like to share with me what you've been doing to grow your self-esteem?

wow um... ive never really thought about what im consciously doing. so as a start, thanks for that xD 

i think im just mainly surrounding myself with non-toxic people, and trying to rid myself from other people's expectations. something else i struggle with is how hard i am on myself. i actually dont feel like im hard on myself at all, ive just heard that from literally all my teachers and my therapist and my parents, so i assume its true. but i dont feel it. its just always been there. its just what im used to!! so yes, im trying to rid myself of other people's expectations, but i have no idea how to rid myself of my own expectations. because (from what im hearing from other people) those might be doing the most harm 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, I think it can be really good to have a think about what we are actually doing to help ourselves, and from what you've said, I can definitely see how self-aware you are which is really good and this will help you a lot.

With the high expectations you have on yourself, can you tell me more about this? It might be good to give me a few examples of these expectations. Speak soon. 

[ScarlettJane119]

Well, talking about "high expectations" is hard for me, actually, since, like i said, i dont notice it. its just a part of me. and so i cant tell if im being waay too hard on myself or not. 

for one, im very ambitious. and when i set my mind to something, i go through with it. i love being creative, so i have a lot of big projects going, with big goals (getting a book publish-ready is my current project). and i know that getting a book published at my age isnt realistic, so i could see that that's where pressure could come from, but at the same time i see it as motivation. like, if i dont know where im going with a project, if i dont have a goal in mind, i wont even take it seriously. and im willing to put the effort into it. 

another example is my dance class: ive been dancing for around 8 or 9 years, and i really liked it until recently. all my confidence when it comes to dancing has just disappeared. i noticed i dont try to dance well in classes, or even on a stage. i feel like no matter how hard i try, i cant dance as good as i did two years ago (when i did have that confidence) even though my teacher says i have long surpassed that level. 
of course, there were other issues too, like problems with my teacher and the other girls, but eventually a combination of all those things lead me to take a long break from dance.  i just dont enjoy it anymore like i used to. which, in part, probably has to do with my lack of self-confidance. 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Okay, so it sounds like there's something going on with your confidence at the moment. I'm wondering, why do you think your confidence took a dip in dance? Could it be related to the high expectations? 

[ScarlettJane119]

3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Okay, so it sounds like there's something going on with your confidence at the moment. I'm wondering, why do you think your confidence took a dip in dance? Could it be related to the high expectations? 

well it was a lot... so there are two different levels. beginners classes and advanced classes. and for the longest time it was my goal... no, my dream to get into the advanced class. so i started practising every day. and when i say every day, i mean every day. it was insane. and so of course, i made a ton of progress and flew right up to the advanced classes. but then covid hit. so dance classes werent allowed to happen. and right when our studio opened back up, my knee got problems. so that was a longer period of time i couldnt dance. i ended up taking around a year long break. everything i had worked towards was just gone. and ever since then, i never once had that flying feeling because i didnt feel like i could dance. 

now im taking a break. ive had three different panic attacks in class, and im just not happy there either (i dont really have friends) 

i dont know, its tricky because im also very cautious (this isnt because of dance anymore). im constantly aware of how often people come up to me to talk or hang out. i feel like im a toxic person sometimes , but ive looked at the attributes of toxic people, and those dont match with me. so i dont really know whats going on. 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

It must have been really tough for you to lose that progress in the way you did; you were doing so well, and for that to then just be gone must have been so difficult. How was it for you? 

While you've mentioned it, I think it might be important to talk about the panic attacks as well, because it might be that they are related to your confidence and high expectations as well. Can I ask, how is it for you when you have the panic attacks? What are you thinking about?

[ScarlettJane119]

59 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

It must have been really tough for you to lose that progress in the way you did; you were doing so well, and for that to then just be gone must have been so difficult. How was it for you? 

While you've mentioned it, I think it might be important to talk about the panic attacks as well, because it might be that they are related to your confidence and high expectations as well. Can I ask, how is it for you when you have the panic attacks? What are you thinking about?

obviously it was terrible (the dance part). I felt good about it, because i was a good dancer. i was even going to go to my first competition (it was april 2020... we all know how that turned out xD). but when i came back, my stamina was literally zero. i had to build up every bit of strength i lost (which felt like all of it). and i was so focused on getting to the point i had been at before lock down, i didn't notice myself reach and surpass it. we did dance exams and i got full marks on every single dance. even tho i did two levels for each category. but still, that did nothing to show me that i could dance again. before lock down, dancing felt like flying. afterwards, it felt like falling. which, dancing is technically both. but i guess it just depends on what you focus on. god, i WISH i could get back to it feeling like flying. but i just cant. even during the last show: i wasnt even trying. i didnt care at all. which made me realise that i just cant do it anymore. 

panic attacks (from my view) arent that big of a deal, because they had a source. some people have anxiety and panic attacks for no reason whatsoever. thats not the case for me. 
but sometimes after a really hard (both physically and emotionally) i find it hard to breath. because it was literally just hard, but also because during the dance i felt like absolute crap. the first few times i didnt really know what it was so i let it take over. it became just a normal panic attack: shaky breathing (or none at all), sweat all over, etc. but then towards the end i was able to control it. i forced myself to breath and not to cry. then they stopped. 

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Just to check I understand, so, you started doing really well with dance before COVID and made it to the advanced class, but then, after the pandemic and having time off due to your injury and other reasons, you've seen that dip in your confidence, and don't have that flying feeling anymore? 

Also, I'm glad that you have been able to stop the panic attacks. I'm wondering, what do you think might have led to them happening? I noticed that you mentioned about not really having friends, so I'm curious to know if that's linked to how you feel in the class? 

[ScarlettJane119]

11 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Just to check I understand, so, you started doing really well with dance before COVID and made it to the advanced class, but then, after the pandemic and having time off due to your injury and other reasons, you've seen that dip in your confidence, and don't have that flying feeling anymore? 

Also, I'm glad that you have been able to stop the panic attacks. I'm wondering, what do you think might have led to them happening? I noticed that you mentioned about not really having friends, so I'm curious to know if that's linked to how you feel in the class? 

yes that is correct :)

and about the friend situation... i dont think its the main reason for my issues, but lets say it didn't help xD

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Would you like to tell me about the main reason?

[ScarlettJane119]

21 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Would you like to tell me about the main reason?

so, like i said, im not completely sure what caused the panic attacks. i dont actually think it had anything to do with lack of confidence, but maybe more stress? like i was expecting too much from myself? thats probably a valid idea.