Last night was I felt like I was living in hell

[olivetebunny]

So a little context, I have hallucinatons sometimes. Whether it be a tall man appearing or it be a voice in my head named Chris. Its happened for a long time, never knew why. So last night was a hallucination attack thing??? It started when i was just watching nextflix, nothing much (i was watching some type of gorey stuff, it doesnt scare me at all. Only stuff like uncanny valley where shit is just slightly off but you cant tell what it is) and i hear this tap on the window. For some fucking reason my fight or flight response kicks in (Im the type to freeze) and i turned my head and I just saw this tall person appear and then he just dissappeared when i blinked. So y'know as you do when youre scared shitless i was hyperventilating and fucking sweating a river (I sweat more than the normal person sometimes, especially my hands). I hear weird sounds and shit and then my fucking brain just keeps telling me that "It's gonna get me. It's gonna get me and nobody's gonna be there. It's behind you. Don't move or It'll get you." I even like texted a helpline but since in a way it feels automated it just made me freak out more. All I remember is that I was in that hallucination attack but I cant remember how it ended. I think i just fell asleep from exaustion bc it was like 2:00AM (i also think i have insomnia bc i cant fall asleep until its past 1AM). And now i dont know what the hell to do after that because theres no way im gonna fucking go through that and bottle it up like the rest of my fucking problems. My jar of feelings is gonna burst, ive literally told nobody anything and it hurts a lot. I just dont know what to do about it anymore because im just fending for myself but im fighting my own brain so im just lost.

[olivetebunny]

by the way when i turned i looked at my door where there was a little dark sliver of hallway. thats where i saw him. also y'know how i mentioned uncanny valley? that shit wouldnt get out of my head. like when i closed my eyes thats all i could see. sometimes i also have hallucinations when i have this thing where i physicallt feel shit thats not there. And the worst part is that i have to triple check everytime because my brain doesnt think checking 1 or 2 times is enough. 

[Monsoon]

On 4/5/2022 at 5:44 PM, olivetebunny said:

by the way when i turned i looked at my door where there was a little dark sliver of hallway. thats where i saw him. also y'know how i mentioned uncanny valley? that shit wouldnt get out of my head. like when i closed my eyes thats all i could see. sometimes i also have hallucinations when i have this thing where i physicallt feel shit thats not there. And the worst part is that i have to triple check everytime because my brain doesnt think checking 1 or 2 times is enough. 

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing this .It sounds really scary for you. I'm wondering, have you spoken to anyone about this, such as your parents? 

[olivetebunny]

nah not really it just kinda been me and my own thoughts for a long time so everything's just been bottled up

[Monsoon]

23 hours ago, olivetebunny said:

nah not really it just kinda been me and my own thoughts for a long time so everything's just been bottled up

Hey there,

Okay, and I can imagine it must be quite scary for you to think about sharing with other people. Can I check, are you definitely safe where you are at the moment? Are these dangers real at all? 

[olivetebunny]

What do you mean by safe? And the dangers aswell,  what does that mean?

[Monsoon]

7 hours ago, olivetebunny said:

What do you mean by safe? And the dangers aswell,  what does that mean?

Hey,

I just want to check whether the things you're seeing are real or not; do you definitely know they aren't real? 

[olivetebunny]

I mean I think? I'm pretty sure I see/hear/feel stuff that isn't there but I honestly dont really know? 

[Monsoon]

15 hours ago, olivetebunny said:

I mean I think? I'm pretty sure I see/hear/feel stuff that isn't there but I honestly dont really know? 

Can i ask, how long has this been going on for? 

[olivetebunny]

I don’t know really? I can’t really tell because it either felt really real or it’s because of my really terrible memory

[Monsoon]

10 hours ago, olivetebunny said:

I don’t know really? I can’t really tell because it either felt really real or it’s because of my really terrible memory

Hey,

That's okay. I'm wondering, do you think you can tell your parents/carers today? I think it's important that they know. 

[olivetebunny]

Not really because we don't have a good relationship between us rn

 

I don't rlly tell them anything bc they either make it sound smaller than it is or joke about it when I tell them about how I feel

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Sorry to hear your relationship with them isn't good right now. Can you tell me more about that? Also, is there someone else you trust that you could speak with, like a member of staff at school perhaps?

[olivetebunny]

I mean they were never really there for my childhood i guess. My dad was but then I just realized that he kind of is the root of most of our problems so I felt kind of betrayed by him so I never speak to him anymore. My mom is just abusive as hell, my brothers have told me things about her when I wasn’t born yet. Not really? The people at school just tell me things that I already came up with years ago. When I was crying because I was lonely as hell and I was really depressed they were like “Well go make friends then, it’s really not that hard.” Kinda just state the obvious and then act like they’re saviors. Plus it’s easier to type/write everything than speak about it.

[Blondie]

2 hours ago, olivetebunny said:

I mean they were never really there for my childhood i guess. My dad was but then I just realized that he kind of is the root of most of our problems so I felt kind of betrayed by him so I never speak to him anymore. My mom is just abusive as hell, my brothers have told me things about her when I wasn’t born yet. Not really? The people at school just tell me things that I already came up with years ago. When I was crying because I was lonely as hell and I was really depressed they were like “Well go make friends then, it’s really not that hard.” Kinda just state the obvious and then act like they’re saviors. Plus it’s easier to type/write everything than speak about it.

Hey, it must have been really hard having such absent parents - that's a lot to deal with. Could you tell me more about how your mom is abusive? 

[olivetebunny]

I don’t know how to explain it because when I do it sounds like nothing but my brother literally figured out it was domestic abuse (he stated  evidence n stuff) but I mean I think she was a little bit physical when we were younger. Now she’s more verbal and psychologically terrible. Stuff like how she just absolutely degrades us (telling me I deserve to get bullied, telling me I’m ugly, that I’m not okay mentally [im not but she uses it as an insult], not letting me take showers by myself/have privacy anywhere.). Whenever I ask for privacy she makes up sob stories how I don’t love her anymore and stuff and all I just want is to be able to literally sit in my room and do fun things without being interrogated/insulted (loves to insult me for my hobbies, calling things I do shit/crap, saying that I’m stupid because a 5 year old could come up with new ways to do origami and that I’m stupid because I looked up instructions.) also she just makes all of our problems seem like nothing and tries to turn our opinions on her and our dad around. Makes it seem like we’re the wastes of space and she’s our savior, and our dad is the devil. They both are shitty people and we’re just the people in the middle of their fights. When she was more physical it was towards my brothers when I wasn’t born yet. One of them said she would dig their nails into their arms and sometimes they would bleed. Sometimes she would (not very hard, it wasn’t really bad so I don’t know if it really counts as abuse) pull my hair or slap me. Like she would just do it if I complained about something. I hated that so much. It didn’t even hurt that bad, I’ve done worse like fall down a steep road/hill but it just infuriated me because it was okay for her to do it but I couldn’t do anything back. The only thing I could do was just make no facial expression so she wouldn’t get any satisfaction from it.

[Monsoon]

16 minutes ago, olivetebunny said:

I don’t know how to explain it because when I do it sounds like nothing but my brother literally figured out it was domestic abuse (he stated  evidence n stuff) but I mean I think she was a little bit physical when we were younger. Now she’s more verbal and psychologically terrible. Stuff like how she just absolutely degrades us (telling me I deserve to get bullied, telling me I’m ugly, that I’m not okay mentally [im not but she uses it as an insult], not letting me take showers by myself/have privacy anywhere.). Whenever I ask for privacy she makes up sob stories how I don’t love her anymore and stuff and all I just want is to be able to literally sit in my room and do fun things without being interrogated/insulted (loves to insult me for my hobbies, calling things I do shit/crap, saying that I’m stupid because a 5 year old could come up with new ways to do origami and that I’m stupid because I looked up instructions.) also she just makes all of our problems seem like nothing and tries to turn our opinions on her and our dad around. Makes it seem like we’re the wastes of space and she’s our savior, and our dad is the devil. They both are shitty people and we’re just the people in the middle of their fights. When she was more physical it was towards my brothers when I wasn’t born yet. One of them said she would dig their nails into their arms and sometimes they would bleed. Sometimes she would (not very hard, it wasn’t really bad so I don’t know if it really counts as abuse) pull my hair or slap me. Like she would just do it if I complained about something. I hated that so much. It didn’t even hurt that bad, I’ve done worse like fall down a steep road/hill but it just infuriated me because it was okay for her to do it but I couldn’t do anything back. The only thing I could do was just make no facial expression so she wouldn’t get any satisfaction from it.

Hey,

I'm really sorry to hear how things have been with your mom. It sounds like home life is really hard for you. I just want to check, how are you feeling at the moment? Do you feel safe at home? Also, I'm wondering, when was the last time she was abusive towards you? I know this might be hard to talk about, and we are here for you and will support you in whatever way we can. We want to make sure you're safe because we care about you. Take care and speak soon. 

[olivetebunny]

I mean I feel okay because I’m drawing rn (it’s of Pompompurin but a human! He’s super cute!) but I gotta do a shitload of school work after I sleep so basically I’m stressed af :/ I never feel safe at home ngl especially when we just moved and we can barely afford this tiny house that we can’t fit in (might have to live in the attic of my mom’s kitchen, so I’m probably gonna have to sell all of my things, esp the things I enjoy like books and my comfort plushes). Also just not a fun environment to be in, yknow living right next to 2 people that you hate n stuff. I mean she always verbally decimates me (I kind of just joke about it now every time she calls me over, I tell my brothers “Which insult is she gonna use now to verbally destroy me”. They give me a nervous smile bc they don’t joke about things as a coping mechanism but I do. I mean I feel like if I pissed her off enough if she brushed my hair rn she probably would pull my hair. Idk if she would slap me anymore but you really never know tbh. But it’s like on the daily that she just says terrible shit to us n stuff. I always take the blame though even if I’m the youngest, I just feel bad for my brothers so I’m always the person that gets insulted the most. I don’t mind it though, as long as my brothers aren’t getting the worse part of our treatment. I’m always the person to pick up dinner from out mom bc they’re too scared to hear what she’ll say. So I always do it bc I don’t want them to get yelled at, idk what it is about me but I just feel really bad for them so I just protect them even if they’re both almost full grown adults. It just hurts to see them crack under pressure so I just deal with the worst of our mom for them because I’m just used to keeping a lifeless face so people don’t bother me/bully me. Apparently if you just look dead inside my mom just doesn’t pester you for long. So I just kind of wear a lifeless expression all of time, even if people think I’m weird for it. I guess it’s just a habit because it’s “saved me” from being more hurt?? Plus I’m just used to being yelled at tbh, my brothers used to tease me n stuff which just lead to me making fun of myself, so people yelling at me and degrading me doesn’t really hurt anymore. It hurts to see others hurt though. Can’t stand it. Would rather it be me than them. I have no idea why but I’m just a really selfless person and sometimes I hate it? Kinda the whole reason why I get manipulated n shit but the one time I get to control something it just all goes to shit or it’s just like super hard to keep it pristine and perfect (aka my room, one of the main sources of my verbal attacks n stuff). Or I’m just super selfless because I barely get complimented and the only time I am complimented is when I’m being so kind/polite because I’m giving things away/super careful of rules. Like I’m always giving things away, whether it be my personal things or bits of info like homework answers. Honestly I tried to be a people-pleaser when I was younger and it worked but I was too tired of trying to be perfect and only getting compliments from teachers that I just gave up. Now I just give everything I got to others just for a little bit of compliments (which I rarely get, but I’m used to it ngl. Didn’t get complimented/validation much, maybe when I was like younger than 7?? After being like 8 everything went to shit. Holy shit that was a huge ass load of information I’m very sorry I’m just never able to dump any of my feelings/thoughts anywhere

[Monsoon]

 

Hey,

No need to apologise. I'm glad that you feel able to share here. It sounds like you have so much going on, and I just want to ask, how are you feeling about everything? It sounds like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it's good that you have told us about what's happening at the moment. I'm wondering, have you ever told anyone else about how your mom treats you? If so, how did that go?

 

[olivetebunny]

I don’t really know at this point, it all is just a blur ngl I mean like most of the time I never really think how I feel about things so I guess I don’t really know. Sometimes I just avoid thinking how I feel/just avoiding feeling anything, kind of just like a habit I do. I mean I’ve never really told anybody because they either don’t know me enough or really wouldn’t care to know 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I'm glad you told us anyway; we care about you and you can talk to us about absolutely anything. It's really important to express those feelings you have inside, because they all build up eventually. How were things at home over the weekend?