Sexuality

[soph ie]

I'm trying to come to terms with my sexuality, but am struggling with what I think might be internalised biphobia/aphobia. I have been thinking about my sexuality for a long time, and think I might be asexual, but romantially attracted to all genders (like pansexual but romantically). However I struggle with differentiating between attraction types, what is a sexual attraction, what is romantic, or am I experiencing gender envy? (I'm also struggling with my gender identity) and still feel disconnected from these labels (as in they don't quite feel right). Whenever I think I have found a label I like or identify with, I still feel scared to come out in case I am wrong. Last year I decided to give up on labels and just carry on without it, but I feel like I am lying to myself and to everyone around me. 

[Harper]

Hi Soph ie,

Great to see you. You're definitely in the right place. I know many of our other members have some very similar conversations on here. One of our mentors will respond with some initial advice shortly. Thanks for sharing! 

[Blondie]

12 minutes ago, soph ie said:

I'm trying to come to terms with my sexuality, but am struggling with what I think might be internalised biphobia/aphobia. I have been thinking about my sexuality for a long time, and think I might be asexual, but romantially attracted to all genders (like pansexual but romantically). However I struggle with differentiating between attraction types, what is a sexual attraction, what is romantic, or am I experiencing gender envy? (I'm also struggling with my gender identity) and still feel disconnected from these labels (as in they don't quite feel right). Whenever I think I have found a label I like or identify with, I still feel scared to come out in case I am wrong. Last year I decided to give up on labels and just carry on without it, but I feel like I am lying to myself and to everyone around me. 

Hey Sophie, thanks for sharing with us. I know that this can sometimes feel pretty confusing especially when this has been on your mind for a while. The journey of coming out is yours and (easier said than done) try not to be rushed or feel pressured into finding that one label. Just focussing on sexuality initially,  many people find that their attractions can be pretty fluid and changing over their life and would prefer to describe themselves as fluid / queer. This might be a good start if you feel like you're ready to share with people. Not everyone finds that one label - and that's okay - as each journey is unique and however you feel is completely valid.

If you were to come out, do you think you would be met with acceptance?

  

[soph ie]

I have talked about it with my closest friend, who is incredibly accepting and amazing, but my parents are quite traditional so I'm scared they won't accept me. My wider friendship group is also accepting but I'm just scared to be wrong.

[Zayn]

Just wanted to say I really relate to what you're saying and I also am struggling with this and not knowing if I actually don't want to put a label on it or if im in denial

[soph ie]

1 minute ago, Zayn said:

Just wanted to say I really relate to what you're saying and I also am struggling with this and not knowing if I actually don't want to put a label on it or if im in denial

Its really hard because all of the feelings are so new and unknown so I can't easily label what I don't understand. I also struggle because although I undertand the need for lots of labels that different people can relate to, it makes it harder to find the *right one* for me.

Good luck with your journey of figuring all this out! 

[Blondie]

33 minutes ago, soph ie said:

I have talked about it with my closest friend, who is incredibly accepting and amazing, but my parents are quite traditional so I'm scared they won't accept me. My wider friendship group is also accepting but I'm just scared to be wrong.

That's so great that your friend is so amazing and it's super positive that your wider friends are very likely to be great too. I think the biggest thing that I'd love to be able to reassure you about is that there really isn't a way to be "wrong" about this. However you feel at any given time whether now or in the future is completely valid. If for example you have a same sex romantic relationship and then eventually have a sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex, it doesn't discount or invalidate the same sex relationship in any way.

I guess I would encourage you to be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space and time to see how this plays out. As you mentioned in your initial post, (internalised phobia) we can be heavily affected by 'societal norms' and what might be expected of us, especially if you have concerns with your parents traditional views. If and when you are ready to share with them you don't have to have all the answers - you can say that you know you are not heterosexual but that you're figuring it out. And we're here for you.

Have your parents ever made any comments in a negative way about the LGBTQIA+ community? 

 

37 minutes ago, Zayn said:

Just wanted to say I really relate to what you're saying and I also am struggling with this and not knowing if I actually don't want to put a label on it or if im in denial

Thanks for sharing Zayn - everyone has such a unique journey but we're here to help you through.

[Monsoon]

45 minutes ago, soph ie said:

I have talked about it with my closest friend, who is incredibly accepting and amazing, but my parents are quite traditional so I'm scared they won't accept me. My wider friendship group is also accepting but I'm just scared to be wrong.

Hey,

Yeah, I can really sense that fear of being wrong about your identity, and I'm wondering, can you tell me what it is that scares you about being wrong? What do you think might happen after?

[soph ie]

2 minutes ago, Blondie said:

That's so great that your friend is so amazing and it's super positive that your wider friends are very likely to be great too. I think the biggest thing that I'd love to be able to reassure you about is that there really isn't a way to be "wrong" about this. However you feel at any given time whether now or in the future is completely valid. If for example you have a same sex romantic relationship and then eventually have a sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex, it doesn't discount or invalidate the same sex relationship in any way.

I guess I would encourage you to be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space and time to see how this plays out. As you mentioned in your initial post, (internalised phobia) we can be heavily affected by 'societal norms' and what might be expected of us, especially if you have concerns with your parents traditional views. If and when you are ready to share with them you don't have to have all the answers - you can say that you know you are not heterosexual but that you're figuring it out. And we're here for you.

Have your parents ever made any comments in a negative way about the LGBTQIA+ community? 

Thanks for sharing Zayn - everyone has such a unique journey but we're here to help you through.

They make hurtful jokes often, but I don't have the confidence to speak up in case they find out about my identity. 

 

1 minute ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Yeah, I can really sense that fear of being wrong about your identity, and I'm wondering, can you tell me what it is that scares you about being wrong? What do you think might happen after?

I'm scared that if I have to come out a second time to people it will make them less likely to accepe me, like im just flitting between different labels and identities. Coming out once scares me, but having to do it twice is absolutely terrifying for me.

[Monsoon]

4 hours ago, soph ie said:

They make hurtful jokes often, but I don't have the confidence to speak up in case they find out about my identity. 

I'm scared that if I have to come out a second time to people it will make them less likely to accepe me, like im just flitting between different labels and identities. Coming out once scares me, but having to do it twice is absolutely terrifying for me.

Yeah, I totally get how it's scary to come out once, having done it myself. I'm curious though, can you tell me why you feel people would be less likely to accept you after coming out a second time? 

[soph ie]

8 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Yeah, I totally get how it's scary to come out once, having done it myself. I'm curious though, can you tell me why you feel people would be less likely to accept you after coming out a second time? 

Honestly, I don't know. I think it might be the internalised phobia, that I feel this way myself and am projecting it onto others. I often overthink in public situations and stress over the way people will react. 

[TheOriginalAxel]

Hey @soph ie could I just say, thank you for the follow, I really appreciate it.

[soph ie]

7 minutes ago, TheOriginalAxel said:

Hey @soph ie could I just say, thank you for the follow, I really appreciate it.

Likewise, thank you for following me  I only found this site a couple days ago and I'd like to thank everyone who has interacted so far and have really helped!

[TheOriginalAxel]

6 minutes ago, soph ie said:

Likewise, thank you for following me  I only found this site a couple days ago and I'd like to thank everyone who has interacted so far and have really helped!

You are most welcome.

[Monsoon]

9 hours ago, soph ie said:

Honestly, I don't know. I think it might be the internalised phobia, that I feel this way myself and am projecting it onto others. I often overthink in public situations and stress over the way people will react. 

Hey there,

Okay, it sounds like you've got a really good understanding there and have recognised how you're getting caught up in your thoughts. I'm wondering then, now that you've recognised that, what do you think might happen if you do come out twice?

[soph ie]

Depends on the person. Some people might be more accepting than I think, but I still fear people will also have similar prejudices as me, and be less accepting. Do you have any tips on how to know who may be more accepting before coming out to them, or what to do in a situation where someone isn't?

[Monsoon]

Yeah, your fear is completely normal. Coming out can make us feel vulnerable, and we all have a need to be accepted as our authentic self. I’m wondering though, if people aren’t so accepting of you, is that their problem or yours? 
 

Also, yeah, there are plenty of tips for figuring out who is more accepting. You could try bringing up a TV show or movie with LGBTQ+ themes and see what they say, or even watch one with them. Also, you could try to weave in a topical issue like gay marriage/rights in to conversation and see what they think. What do you reckon? 

[soph ie]

I don't have many friends at the moment, so I'm scared to lose any more. As I am still young and depend on my parents, if they are not accepting, I don't know what I would do or where I could go. 

I will try some of your tips to see who may be more accepting though, thank you!

[Monsoon]

I'm wondering then, for the friends you do have, do you feel like they would be accepting the first time? I know you've spoken about how they might react the second time, but what about the first? Also, just remember, even if someone doesn't seem that accepting now, remember, there is always the capacity to change and people can surprise you as well; when they are faced with confronting their challenging views because someone they care about comes out, it can be a really powerful tool in helping people to open up and become more accepting :) 

[soph ie]

I think most of my closest friends would be accepting, but I am just afraid of their reaction. I'm not a very extroverted person, so I wouldnt want them to make a big deal about it, but I know that a friend coming out can be a surprise for them and they will most likely have questions and want to know more. A few of my friends are very religous, and have very strong opinions on the lgbtq+ community, and they would not be accepting of me at all. 

[Monsoon]

Hey. I'm glad to hear you think most of your closet friends would be accepting and I can imagine that it's comforting to know that :) 

I'm wondering, for the friends who want to know more, might you find it easier if you tell them online? I think it can be easier to answer these questions over message because it gives you time to process and it can feel like less of a big deal in a way. What do you think? 

[soph ie]

32 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey. I'm glad to hear you think most of your closet friends would be accepting and I can imagine that it's comforting to know that :) 

I'm wondering, for the friends who want to know more, might you find it easier if you tell them online? I think it can be easier to answer these questions over message because it gives you time to process and it can feel like less of a big deal in a way. What do you think? 

I like that idea, I still dont feel ready yet, but I think I will tell them online.

[Monsoon]

Yeah, it's totally okay to wait - this is your journey, and you get to decide the pace at which you take it. How are you feeling about everything at the moment?

[soph ie]

I think I need some time to process and think a bit more, but I'm much more comfortable than I was before, so thank you!

[Monsoon]

That's okay! Let me know if you'd like to talk about it more :)