Relationship issues?

[Jaylen]

Hey there, so I'm a girl who goes to an all girls school. I think I'm bisexual. I'm not really sure if it's a phase or something since I see girls all the time. But there was this one girl who always stood out for me . My best friend . Though she isn't anymore .

I've been friends with her since I was 10. I realized I liked her more than a friend when I was 15. After that I just couldn't handle it anymore, she had a boyfriend and all she spoke about were boys, she treated everyone of her friends the same including me, which made me angry, at first I thought it was coz I was her best friend, I should be given more attention, but later I realized that I was jealous. I always wanted more than she could give, I expected her to like me more than everyone else. And day by day I was getting scared. I was scared I'd lose her to someone else right before my eyes, I could tell that we had a very close relationship. A lot of people said we were really close and we're really cute together, but as days went on I felt her move away from me, it's probably just paranoia but I felt like her boy friend meant more to her than me, I was scared. And then one day I decided to leave her and our friendship, coz I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't handle her being with everyone the way we used to be, it was suppose to be just us, but she is a nice person she treats everyone the same, I just dissapointed myself by thinking that we could have more. After moving away from her I fell into depression I thought I could be fine without her, but it turns out to be wrong, I realized that before I caught feelings for her, she was my best friend. My rock. She was someone I always came to when I had problems or anything actually, and she always made me feel better. But now I feel empty, I feel like a zombie, waking just because I have to, eating for the sake of it, going through my days like a robot. Repeating the same things everyday, it was as if I was living the same day a million of times, I think it got worse when the pandemic hit, I didn't want to talk to anyone I didn't even feel sad I just felt so empty. I was so sick of everything . I never felt like self harming , but I'm a clumsy person so I usually get injured and I wouldn't even know how I would get it,  I used to push my wounds to make my self fell something, I think of sad things just to make myself feel something that's not empty, I was so sick of everything, I changed my hair and the way I like to dress I just wanted change I wanted something new, I even thought of her occasionally, and I regretted leaving her, I used to think if this is what happens to me when I leave her then I rather stay with her and feel the pain everyday. But now its been two years since I left her, I'm still in depression,and I'm still alone with no friends, but I think I've moved on from her, I still feel lonely and empty sometimes but I don't regret leaving her. Now that I look back I was in a toxic relationship with her, not much but kind of, I think it would have gotten worse if I hadn't left, I hope I find people for me, friends who would want me for me, and not just because they feel sorry for me. I want to feel loved in some sort of way. There are people who say they love me, but I just don't feel it, I just feel really alone all the time 

[Blondie]

8 hours ago, Jaylen said:

Hey there, so I'm a girl who goes to an all girls school. I think I'm bisexual. I'm not really sure if it's a phase or something since I see girls all the time. But there was this one girl who always stood out for me . My best friend . Though she isn't anymore .

I've been friends with her since I was 10. I realized I liked her more than a friend when I was 15. After that I just couldn't handle it anymore, she had a boyfriend and all she spoke about were boys, she treated everyone of her friends the same including me, which made me angry, at first I thought it was coz I was her best friend, I should be given more attention, but later I realized that I was jealous. I always wanted more than she could give, I expected her to like me more than everyone else. And day by day I was getting scared. I was scared I'd lose her to someone else right before my eyes, I could tell that we had a very close relationship. A lot of people said we were really close and we're really cute together, but as days went on I felt her move away from me, it's probably just paranoia but I felt like her boy friend meant more to her than me, I was scared. And then one day I decided to leave her and our friendship, coz I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't handle her being with everyone the way we used to be, it was suppose to be just us, but she is a nice person she treats everyone the same, I just dissapointed myself by thinking that we could have more. After moving away from her I fell into depression I thought I could be fine without her, but it turns out to be wrong, I realized that before I caught feelings for her, she was my best friend. My rock. She was someone I always came to when I had problems or anything actually, and she always made me feel better. But now I feel empty, I feel like a zombie, waking just because I have to, eating for the sake of it, going through my days like a robot. Repeating the same things everyday, it was as if I was living the same day a million of times, I think it got worse when the pandemic hit, I didn't want to talk to anyone I didn't even feel sad I just felt so empty. I was so sick of everything . I never felt like self harming , but I'm a clumsy person so I usually get injured and I wouldn't even know how I would get it,  I used to push my wounds to make my self fell something, I think of sad things just to make myself feel something that's not empty, I was so sick of everything, I changed my hair and the way I like to dress I just wanted change I wanted something new, I even thought of her occasionally, and I regretted leaving her, I used to think if this is what happens to me when I leave her then I rather stay with her and feel the pain everyday. But now its been two years since I left her, I'm still in depression,and I'm still alone with no friends, but I think I've moved on from her, I still feel lonely and empty sometimes but I don't regret leaving her. Now that I look back I was in a toxic relationship with her, not much but kind of, I think it would have gotten worse if I hadn't left, I hope I find people for me, friends who would want me for me, and not just because they feel sorry for me. I want to feel loved in some sort of way. There are people who say they love me, but I just don't feel it, I just feel really alone all the time 

Thank you so much for opening up and being so honest.

Having stronger feelings for a friend than they have for you can be very common. Sometimes, our feelings are this strong because we admire something about them, maybe something that we wish we had ourselves. It can also be very difficult when your friend/s have a partner as naturally, they start to spend time with them too. 

One of the ways to mitigate this is to have dedicated time with a friend (free of partners) - it doesn't have to be all the time, it might only be every couple of weeks, but then you feel you have their time and attention. When people are wrapped up in relationships they rarely spend less time with friends to be hurtful or to pick favourites - just a gentle nudge to say you'd love to catch up can often do the trick.

Ultimately, you are a good person and deserving of good friendships - some friendships are lifelong and some much shorter but they all bring value to our lives.

[Jaylen]

Thank you for replying to me, I really appreciate this site. Coz I feel like I'm being heard and understood, really thank you very much 

[Monsoon]

12 hours ago, Jaylen said:

Thank you for replying to me, I really appreciate this site. Coz I feel like I'm being heard and understood, really thank you very much 

Hey Jaylen,

I'm glad to hear you're feeling heard and understood :)

I'm wondering, the way you're feeling generally, do you think it all stems from the friendship you had/your feelings for her, or is there more to the story?

[Jaylen]

7 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey Jaylen,

I'm glad to hear you're feeling heard and understood :)

I'm wondering, the way you're feeling generally, do you think it all stems from the friendship you had/your feelings for her, or is there more to the story?

Well, when I left her I had to leave my whole friend group. So I guess I wasn't really close with everyone else in my class. People included me, but I think it was out of pity. There are two people who are best of friends and I hang out with them, I think I can talk to them. But it doesn't really feel great, it's just as if I'm speaking to a wall? Like they listen and console me, but I just don't feel it, eventually I stopped telling them things because it doesn't make me feel any different. I don't know if it's because of her(the girl I like) since the time I transferred to that school I had my eyes on her and now all of a sudden, since I left her its as if a part of me has just been ripped out, so I guess no matter who talks to me it just doesn't fill up? 

I'm not sure if that answered your question.... 

[Monsoon]

Hey @Jaylen

Thanks for sharing more with me. I think that you went through two big changes: 1) with the break up of the friendship and 2) leaving the whole friendship group. Leaving a support network like that can really throw people off balance, and it sounds like you might still be trying to find your feet. What do you think about that? What would help you to move forward? 

[Jaylen]

I really don't know, but I've been told by people around me who I see once in a while, that I've become really quite( I was a really loud and fun person to hangout with, I'd make friends real quick and I just talk to anyone and everyone, practically an extrovert) but now I've heard it many times, that I've got no emotions and I'm so neutral about everything. And I'm silent. I'm sick of hearing these by different people. At first I didn't believe it because I knew I wasn't like that, but after hearing it so many times by different people I'm starting to believe it. This is not who I want to be, I want to change but I just can't I really don't know what I should do, I try starting a conversation with people, I like it, but after a few days I feel tired of it so I just stop. I also feel bad for how I treat those people as if they don't matter, coz Even after I stop they still contact me but I just give them dry answers which eventually makes them give up. Please tell me what I should do to get better

Edited January 7, 2022 by Jaylen

[Monsoon]

On 1/7/2022 at 10:27 AM, Jaylen said:

I really don't know, but I've been told by people around me who I see once in a while, that I've become really quite( I was a really loud and fun person to hangout with, I'd make friends real quick and I just talk to anyone and everyone, practically an extrovert) but now I've heard it many times, that I've got no emotions and I'm so neutral about everything. And I'm silent. I'm sick of hearing these by different people. At first I didn't believe it because I knew I wasn't like that, but after hearing it so many times by different people I'm starting to believe it. This is not who I want to be, I want to change but I just can't I really don't know what I should do, I try starting a conversation with people, I like it, but after a few days I feel tired of it so I just stop. I also feel bad for how I treat those people as if they don't matter, coz Even after I stop they still contact me but I just give them dry answers which eventually makes them give up. Please tell me what I should do to get better

Hey there,

Yeah, from what you've said, it sounds like there are differences in the way you interact with people, and I'm wondering, do you think it's a good or bad thing? It might be that you've gotten into a comfort zone of having less interactions with people by the sound of it. I'm wondering, when you were louder back then, how did it feel? Did you like it?

[Jaylen]

On 1/17/2022 at 4:13 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, from what you've said, it sounds like there are differences in the way you interact with people, and I'm wondering, do you think it's a good or bad thing? It might be that you've gotten into a comfort zone of having less interactions with people by the sound of it. I'm wondering, when you were louder back then, how did it feel? Did you like it?

well, I'm not sure if its good or bad. but I definitely don't like it. I like to talk. I felt good talking I don't like to keep my mind busy.

 

[Monsoon]

2 hours ago, Jaylen said:

well, I'm not sure if its good or bad. but I definitely don't like it. I like to talk. I felt good talking I don't like to keep my mind busy.

Hey there,

Yeah, you sound like a pretty sociable person and it could be good for you to get back into the swing of it. I'm wondering, is that something you want? If so, what needs to change to help you move in that direction? 

[Jaylen]

16 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, you sound like a pretty sociable person and it could be good for you to get back into the swing of it. I'm wondering, is that something you want? If so, what needs to change to help you move in that direction? 

Yea I do want that. I don't know when it started but I over think a lot. So it gets in the way most of the time. But I'm trying not to 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Okay, so overthinking plays a part. I’m wondering, what thoughts are you having when the time comes to it? 

[Jaylen]

On 1/19/2022 at 11:09 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Okay, so overthinking plays a part. I’m wondering, what thoughts are you having when the time comes to it? 

I think, is it really  necessary for me to say this, or what are they going to do knowing this.

I know a conversation doesn't always have to be meaningful but... I don't know, I sometimes think "what are they thinking."

I'm usually not one to care about what people think of me, but now I keep thinking, are they being real to me , do they even like talking to me, what do I do to make sure the conversation doesn't get awkward. and so on.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Okay, so from what you've said, it sounds like you're having lots of negative thoughts when it comes down to it. There's a theory that a lot of anxiety and other challenging feelings are caused by negative thoughts, meaning that we are a powerful force for change in our own lives; we can create change by thinking differently. So, by transforming negative thoughts into more positive ones, we can help ourselves to feel less anxious and free our minds to be able to throw ourselves into experiences that we overthink. What do you think about that?

[Jaylen]

46 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Okay, so from what you've said, it sounds like you're having lots of negative thoughts when it comes down to it. There's a theory that a lot of anxiety and other challenging feelings are caused by negative thoughts, meaning that we are a powerful force for change in our own lives; we can create change by thinking differently. So, by transforming negative thoughts into more positive ones, we can help ourselves to feel less anxious and free our minds to be able to throw ourselves into experiences that we overthink. What do you think about that?

Yea, I understand what you're saying, I've been trying to stop thinking too much, and just going with my gut, it's slow but I think I'll get better :)

[TheOriginalAxel]

Just now, Jaylen said:

Yea, I understand what you're saying, I've been trying to stop thinking too much, and just going with my gut, it's slow but I think I'll get better :)

Hey, just know that I personally believe in you and I believe that you can do this

[Jaylen]

Just now, Elated Homoromantic said:

Hey, just know that I personally believe in you and I believe that you can do this

Aw thanks (///▽///)

[TheOriginalAxel]

1 minute ago, Jaylen said:

Aw thanks (///▽///)

np

[Monsoon]

10 hours ago, Jaylen said:

Yea, I understand what you're saying, I've been trying to stop thinking too much, and just going with my gut, it's slow but I think I'll get better :)

Hey there,

Yeah, you have the power in this situation to change how you think and feel and I know you can work through it :)

I'm wondering, how might you change some of those negative thoughts into more positive ones? Can you give a couple of examples?

[Jaylen]

14 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, you have the power in this situation to change how you think and feel and I know you can work through it :)

I'm wondering, how might you change some of those negative thoughts into more positive ones? Can you give a couple of examples?

First of, I'll start with not worrying if people like me or not. 

 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, that's a really good one. Can you think of any more examples? 

When the next situation comes where you'd usually have those thoughts, it will require energy to keep telling yourself the positive thoughts, but with persistence and effort comes reward. Changing your way of thinking is one of the most powerful tools we can use for self-improvement. What do you think about that?

[Jaylen]

19 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, that's a really good one. Can you think of any more examples? 

When the next situation comes where you'd usually have those thoughts, it will require energy to keep telling yourself the positive thoughts, but with persistence and effort comes reward. Changing your way of thinking is one of the most powerful tools we can use for self-improvement. What do you think about that?

yea, its true.

I'm going t be confident in what I have to say, instead of thinking too much.

I'm going to talk to more people.

 

[Monsoon]

3 hours ago, Jaylen said:

yea, its true.

I'm going t be confident in what I have to say, instead of thinking too much.

I'm going to talk to more people.

Hey,

That's great to hear :)

I'm wondering, could you set yourself a challenge for this week around talking to more people? If you want to, what could that target be? 

[Jaylen]

7 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

That's great to hear :)

I'm wondering, could you set yourself a challenge for this week around talking to more people? If you want to, what could that target be? 

To hold a conversation without overthinking anything. 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thanks for sharing that. I'm wondering if it might be useful to think about how you might deal with the overthinking when you talk to someone this week. What do you think?