Why don’t I feel attraction in real life?

[Anahita]

Hello all!

I think I made a post about this a long time ago but I can’t find it and I’m confused again. I’ll try to keep this short. 
 

I’m 21, and have had 1 relationship. I did have two crushes back in school and ended up dating one of them (until now). But for some reason, I don’t feel physically attracted to him. I really do love him and cherish our relationship. I have my own type and he does not fit in, but that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that when he wants to be physically affectionate, I don’t want to (at least most of the time) and I feel guilty for it. He loves and cares for me deeply, and I do too, but for some reason I feel guilty that I don’t find him physically attractive. 

I have been sexually and physically attracted to guys in the past but most of them have been celebrities. I like the idea of a relationship and definitely like the idea of sex too. Sadly, I haven’t ever been lucky enough to be around guys I could potentially like (school was a horrible place and I went to a women’s only college).

I also have the tendency to daydream a lot (maladaptive daydreaming) and have someone else as the centre of all those day dreams (he’s a celebrity). Could that be a reason why I’m going through this? Is this even normal? I’m trying to overcome my daydreaming, but it’s going to take a long while and I may never fully overcome it since it helps me cope with my feelings.  

Am I incapable of being physically and sexually attracted to people? I have never come across such people in real life. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. 

[Monsoon]

On 11/14/2021 at 8:47 AM, Anahita said:

Hello all!

I think I made a post about this a long time ago but I can’t find it and I’m confused again. I’ll try to keep this short. 
 

I’m 21, and have had 1 relationship. I did have two crushes back in school and ended up dating one of them (until now). But for some reason, I don’t feel physically attracted to him. I really do love him and cherish our relationship. I have my own type and he does not fit in, but that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that when he wants to be physically affectionate, I don’t want to (at least most of the time) and I feel guilty for it. He loves and cares for me deeply, and I do too, but for some reason I feel guilty that I don’t find him physically attractive. 

I have been sexually and physically attracted to guys in the past but most of them have been celebrities. I like the idea of a relationship and definitely like the idea of sex too. Sadly, I haven’t ever been lucky enough to be around guys I could potentially like (school was a horrible place and I went to a women’s only college).

I also have the tendency to daydream a lot (maladaptive daydreaming) and have someone else as the centre of all those day dreams (he’s a celebrity). Could that be a reason why I’m going through this? Is this even normal? I’m trying to overcome my daydreaming, but it’s going to take a long while and I may never fully overcome it since it helps me cope with my feelings.  

Am I incapable of being physically and sexually attracted to people? I have never come across such people in real life. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. 

Hey @Anahita

Thanks for coming to us with this. I noticed what you said about wanting to overcome the daydreaming; I'm wondering, if it helps you, do you need to overcome it? It's a completely normal thing to do. Also, with the attraction side of things, I wouldn't say you are incapable of being physically and sexually attracted to people. As you said, you have been sexually and physically attracted to guys in the past, and it might just be that you haven't come across someone yet in real life. What do you think?

[Anahita]

22 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Anahita

Thanks for coming to us with this. I noticed what you said about wanting to overcome the daydreaming; I'm wondering, if it helps you, do you need to overcome it? It's a completely normal thing to do. Also, with the attraction side of things, I wouldn't say you are incapable of being physically and sexually attracted to people. As you said, you have been sexually and physically attracted to guys in the past, and it might just be that you haven't come across someone yet in real life. What do you think?

Hello @Monsoon! Thanks for writing! :)

I really do feel like it’s something I need to overcome. At least I feel dependent on it to go through the day and I want to get rid of that feeling. Even if it’s completely normal, the way I daydream isn’t and I’m worried that if I don’t change it now, it’ll hurt me in the future. 
I think the same thing about the attraction issue. It’s just that I feel some pressure on me when I look at people my age liking people left and right. Maybe I haven’t come across such a person yet. I’m willing to wait, but it makes me anxious at times. When I start analysing things, I tend to over do it and get anxious. I really hope that’s all it is. 

[XSnowX]

On 11/14/2021 at 8:47 AM, Anahita said:

Hello all!

I think I made a post about this a long time ago but I can’t find it and I’m confused again. I’ll try to keep this short. 
 

I’m 21, and have had 1 relationship. I did have two crushes back in school and ended up dating one of them (until now). But for some reason, I don’t feel physically attracted to him. I really do love him and cherish our relationship. I have my own type and he does not fit in, but that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that when he wants to be physically affectionate, I don’t want to (at least most of the time) and I feel guilty for it. He loves and cares for me deeply, and I do too, but for some reason I feel guilty that I don’t find him physically attractive. 

I have been sexually and physically attracted to guys in the past but most of them have been celebrities. I like the idea of a relationship and definitely like the idea of sex too. Sadly, I haven’t ever been lucky enough to be around guys I could potentially like (school was a horrible place and I went to a women’s only college).

I also have the tendency to daydream a lot (maladaptive daydreaming) and have someone else as the centre of all those day dreams (he’s a celebrity). Could that be a reason why I’m going through this? Is this even normal? I’m trying to overcome my daydreaming, but it’s going to take a long while and I may never fully overcome it since it helps me cope with my feelings.  

Am I incapable of being physically and sexually attracted to people? I have never come across such people in real life. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. 

Hello, thank you for sharing your story with us , big hugs. Irs okay to not feel sexually attractive to someone, maybe you haven't found the right person yet and maybe your head is telling you to wait? It's a bit weird I know, but maybe it's true? Do not do anything that you do not want to do, always consent and never let anyone force you to do anything,.if they do report them! Call 999 ( UK ) 911 ( US) you matter, you mentioned I'm the past.you were sexually attractive to men, so you don't have to be right now, but maybe later in life things might change? As things do change does that make sense?

[Monsoon]

9 hours ago, Anahita said:

Hello @Monsoon! Thanks for writing! :)

I really do feel like it’s something I need to overcome. At least I feel dependent on it to go through the day and I want to get rid of that feeling. Even if it’s completely normal, the way I daydream isn’t and I’m worried that if I don’t change it now, it’ll hurt me in the future. 
I think the same thing about the attraction issue. It’s just that I feel some pressure on me when I look at people my age liking people left and right. Maybe I haven’t come across such a person yet. I’m willing to wait, but it makes me anxious at times. When I start analysing things, I tend to over do it and get anxious. I really hope that’s all it is. 

Hey there,

I find it interesting what you said about how it will hurt you in the future if you don't change it now, and I'm wondering if you can tell me a little bit more about that, please? Also, I totally get why you're feeling the pressure in terms of attraction, especially when you compare yourself to people your age liking lots of people. I really do understand why it makes you anxious. As you say though, I think it's likely that you just haven't come across such a person yet, and maybe you're just particular about what you find attractive, which isn't a bad thing at all! What do you think? 

[Anahita]

12 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I find it interesting what you said about how it will hurt you in the future if you don't change it now, and I'm wondering if you can tell me a little bit more about that, please? Also, I totally get why you're feeling the pressure in terms of attraction, especially when you compare yourself to people your age liking lots of people. I really do understand why it makes you anxious. As you say though, I think it's likely that you just haven't come across such a person yet, and maybe you're just particular about what you find attractive, which isn't a bad thing at all! What do you think? 

Hi there @Monsoon!

About my day dreaming habit— it’s become my only way to relieve stress. I’ve had it for over a decade and I can spend hours doing it. The only good thing is that even with that, I have been able to go on with normal life (such as school, college etc). Ever since COVID-19, and lockdowns, my daydreaming has gone up. There was a time when I was so comfortable with daydreaming and preferred that over real company. Over the past year, I’ve become aware of it and am consciously trying to get over that dependency. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over it completely, but I at least want to be able to enjoy my real life more and be less dependent on my daydreaming. Sadly, my current life is so stressful that if I attempt to correct this now, it’ll only make things worse. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past 6 months, and even though I don’t see great progress on the number of hours spent, at least I’m happy to be aware of how I’m not being mindful. I am truly hoping to fix all the root cause and remove the stress so I can work on being more mindful instead of dreaming my life away. 

When I think about all of this, I understand that not being attracted to  someone at the moment isn’t a big deal. I have greater issues to take care of, but sometimes things like these just add to my anxiety that I’m not “normal”. 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

So it sounds like the daydreaming is really helpful for you, but that it's gone up a lot recently and you want to do it less so that you can enjoy your real life more. I noticed what you said about how if you try to change it now, then it will only make things worse. I think that you're absolutely right, and it's important to work on this when you feel like the time is right. Can I ask, when you talk about the root cause, are you able to tell me more?