Sexuality

[Bi the way]

Hey!

So after questioning my sexuality for quite a while, I have finally realised that I am Bi (pronouns she/her). I first realised that I was attracted to the same gender when I was 13 and I remember going home and researching about it feeling so confused then when I was 14, I met a girl who was so open about her sexuality and was so passionate about everything she believed in and that’s when I thought I was bicurious but I disregarded it as a phase. After recently discovering a same sex couple( from the same country as I am ) on YouTube, I felt so seen and I finally I accepted myself.  I am 16 now and I’ve finally come out to a few of my close friends and they have been so supportive about it but I still have so much fear about not being accepted (especially in the country I am born in) and all the statistics is so overwhelming.

Please feel free to share how you first realised you’re not straight/ your coming story/ any incident you want to share/ any LGBTQIA+ movie/ book recommendation.

Thanks:) have a good day

[Monsoon]

Hey @Bi the way

It's great to hear that you have finally realised that you're bi, and I hope that our lovely members here can share their stories with you. Welcome  

[Bi the way]

Thank you!

I am just so afraid of coming out to my parents and the homophobia I may face but hopefully I’ll be able to deal with it.

[Monsoon]

Hey there. It's totally normal to feel afraid before coming out; it's such a big moment, and one that we often get really anxious about which is understandable. Most people actually say that they were afraid for nothing, and that it was just the nerves of coming out that made them think they would face homophobia. What do you think? Also, I'm wondering, have your parents done anything to make you think that they're homophobic? 

[Bi the way]

Hey

Thank you so much 

While I have come out to all my close friends and that wasn’t as nerve-wracking, I feel that because  I have been at odds with my parents, it scares me that I won’t be accepted. When it comes to homophobia, I have seen my father make several stereotypical comments about people of the LGBTQ+ community and my mother isn’t as vocal about her homophobia but I have a feeling that she won’t be comfortable about it. I casually asked her a few days ago if she’s homophobic and she denied it but I am still not convinced.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Bi the way

I'm glad to hear that coming out to friends wasn't as nerve-wracking. Can I ask, when you say you have been at odds with your parents, what has been going on? I hope everything is alright.

Also, thank you for explaining more to me about what your father has said and how you feel about your mother. I'm wondering, what has he said about the LGBTQ+ community and how did it make you feel?

[Bi the way]

Hey

I have always been very close to my parents, especially my mother but after I started 9th grade when I tried to open up to her about my dating life and tried to tell her about the guy I was dating, she was very apprehensive and would even go through my chats behind my back. There's also been a lot of academic pressure from my father's side while my mother is proud of how I am doing in school. Since then I feel that I have drifted apart from them and we haven’t been very open about certain topics but it could also be because I live in a very conservative society where such conversations are not encouraged.

A few weeks ago, my father made fun of one of his friend's son because he’s gay and he also commented about how gay men are very “feminine.” I have been thinking about this incident ever since and it makes me feel sad about how normalized such comments are where I live. It also makes me feel that I won't be accepted if I come out and my parents may try to hide my identity or may be concerned about what other people think about our family( which is really important to them)

 

[Monsoon]

Hey @Bi the way

Thanks for telling me more about how things are between you and your parents. I find it interesting that your mother was apprehensive and was going through your chats behind your back. I'm wondering, why do you think she was doing that? Also, can I ask, what did your father say about his friend's son?

[Bi the way]

Hey

There’s quite a complicated story behind that. I did try to open up to my mother that I liked the guy I was dating at that time but she didn’t like the fact that I was dating. Everyone is very conservative in my neighborhood and one of my best friends' parents got to know about my relationship and would often cook up stories about how I was negatively influencing their daughter and that made my mom very suspicious.

My father said that it was a “shame” that his friend's son was doing so well yet he was gay and that made me feel really sad.

 

[Monsoon]

Hey @Bi the way

How are you doing today? Thanks for explaining that to me. It must be frustrating for you when she got involved like that. Does she do this frequently? Also I'm sorry to hear that your father said it was a shame that his friend's son is gay. I can completely see why this made you feel sad. I'm wondering, do you think your father will be able to change the way he views LGBTQ+? Sadly, some parents do react negatively at first, but over time, many of them do come around; it can just take time and patience. 

 

[Bi the way]

Hey

I am doing fine just a lot of stress from school.  I hope you’re doing well too.

Thanks for asking:)

I was in emotional turmoil when I had to go through that. Since this incident, I have distanced myself from her as I found it difficult to trust her and now I am closer to the other two common best friends we have(2 of the only people I’ve come out to). I just feel better eliminating people I find toxic from my life.

My father is quite stubborn. He always defends his views completely disregarding what the other person is saying. So initially, of course, he wouldn’t take it well and I am not sure if that will ever improve but, probably it will take a lot of time for things to be normal again. I am uncertain about how my mother would react but most probably it would be better than my fathers' reaction.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Bi the way

Yeah, I totally get why it made you emotional. When someone steps over that kind of boundary, it can be really hurtful and can take a while to feel like you can trust them again. Have you spoken to her about how this made you feel? It might be good to get it off your chest. I find it interesting that you said about how you feel better eliminating toxic people from your life. Can I ask, is this how you feel about your mother?

Also, I noticed something in what you said: although you're unsure if your father will improve, you then said that it will probably take a lot of time for things to be normal again. To me, this shows that you have some hope that he can change. What do you think? The power that the love a parent has for their child can transform even the most stubborn minds. Maybe have a read and let me know what you think of this article: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/my-parents-didnt-react-well-to-me-coming-out/

[Bi the way]

Hey

We did talk about it when the incident took place and it just ended up being a blame game and she thought I was making false accusations. We aren’t fighting now but we aren’t on good terms either.

I have always been very close to my mother but recently I have observed that we have quite a weird dynamic. She’s the most supportive parent half of the time while sometimes she ends up being unintentionally so emotionally abusive. I do feel that we do have a toxic relationship but I can’t eliminate her so I have unconsciously gotten a bit distant from her.

I know that my father wouldn’t be the most supportive when I come out to him but I am trying to be a bit optimistic. Also as you’ve mentioned (and as the article you’ve referred to pointed out), I am his child so he may accept me someday. I have never been close to him and as I child I would often cry as I thought he didn't love me so it's a bit difficult to predict how things will go with him. I have also been thinking about prolonging when I’ll come out for a few years as one of my main concerns is the lack of an open discussion as he's not as educated about the LGBTQIA+ community so I feel an open discussion and addressing his opinions will be helpful but I feel he wouldn't be up for that.

Also thank you for your help and the article is also really helpful. 

[Monsoon]

Hey @Bi the way

How are you feeling today?

Thank you for telling me more about how things are with your mother at the moment. I'm sorry to hear that she has been emotionally abusive with you. I completely understand why you have become distant from her; when someone hurts us, it's completely natural for us to pull away and not feel as close to them, even when they are a close family member, like a parent. Can I ask, when you say emotionally abusive, can you tell me a little bit more about what she does to you? I know that this might be too emotional for you to talk about, and I completely understand if you're not ready to open up about it. I just want to make sure that you're safe from harm at home. We care about you. Speak soon and take care. 

[Bi the way]

Hey 

I am fine. I hope you're doing well too!

I just don't feel very seen/heard at home. My mom is wonderful and is really considerate most of the time but she's very short tempered and often she unconsciously says stuff which impacts me a lot (a mild example would be that she often calls me a selfish brat) and she often ignores my opinions and this would make me feel really worthless as a child, which is why I keep my distance now as I can't handle it with so much else going on. We are very open with each other but of course not as close.

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[Bi the way]

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[Monsoon]

Hey @Bi the way

How are you doing? I'm sorry that you don't feel very seen/heard at home. It can be really frustrating when we feel like people don't really take us seriously and don't seem to respect what we say. I'm wondering, have you ever talked to her about this? Also, I'm curious to know, are there times when you do feel seen and heard there? 

[Conall]

Well I haven't decided decided yet, but I have been leaning towards bi.

[Bi the way]

On 9/11/2021 at 2:23 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey @Bi the way

How are you doing? I'm sorry that you don't feel very seen/heard at home. It can be really frustrating when we feel like people don't really take us seriously and don't seem to respect what we say. I'm wondering, have you ever talked to her about this? Also, I'm curious to know, are there times when you do feel seen and heard there? 

I am doing fine. I did talk to her about it when I was very young but she got really angry so I never mentioned it again.
Nowadays I don't feel seen at all as my parents have become really controlling and even try to decide my career choices.

[Monsoon]

1 hour ago, Conall said:

Well I haven't decided decided yet, but I have been leaning towards bi.

Hey Conall,

How's everything going for you at the moment? I just wanted to check in because questioning your sexuality can be confusing and stressful, and I just want you to know that we are here to talk if you'd like that. 

[Monsoon]

1 hour ago, Bi the way said:

I am doing fine. I did talk to her about it when I was very young but she got really angry so I never mentioned it again.
Nowadays I don't feel seen at all as my parents have become really controlling and even try to decide my career choices.

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go well with talking to her and that they have become really controlling. How are you feeling about this? It must be stressful and frustrating for you that they've decided your career choices, and I'm wondering, how have they gone about doing that? I hope you're doing as okay as you can be. We are here for you. 

[Bi the way]

On 9/12/2021 at 4:16 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go well with talking to her and that they have become really controlling. How are you feeling about this? It must be stressful and frustrating for you that they've decided your career choices, and I'm wondering, how have they gone about doing that? I hope you're doing as okay as you can be. We are here for you. 

Hey

I am feeling a bit better.

I just feel very restrained at home and I don’t think there’s a sense of equality if it makes sense.

Luckily I have mainly decided what I want to do in the future (while where I live it’s considered  normal to completely dictate your child’s life) but they do try to step in at times to make sure I am doing things their way (example- their choice of college) and to establish whatever sense of control they can.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Bi the way

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better a bit better - what do you think has helped this to happen?

Also, I'm glad to hear that you have mainly decided what you want to do in the future, and I'm wondering, do you think there is anything else you could do to have more control over this part of your life? 

[Bi the way]

Hey

I came out to a few more people and I eliminated some of the toxic friends I had so I just feel more peaceful these days. I also came out to a few more people so I feel more accepting of myself.

I have tried to be vocal about my lack of independence but it hasn’t worked out in the past so I feel that the only thing which would give me more independence is when I got the college because I’ll be on my own then.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Bi the way

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more peaceful these days and that you've came out and eliminated some toxic friends. I'm just thinking, when it comes t those life decisions such as college, etc., do they have to sign off your choices, or can you pretty much choose wherever you want?