Gender worries

[JustArden]

So, I think I might be trans which I do not want at all. I wish I was just born as the gender I feel things would have been less complicated. I don´t want to come out but if I don´t then I´ll probably never get the help I need. My footbal team is transphobic. My grandparents are boomers, my dad just doesn´t understand stuff and my friends.. One of my friends is trans (genderqueer) kinda and it makes me feel fake. I mean I can just be a trander (a trans person doing it for the "trend" I think, atleast that's what ive heard) And I just feel like I am faking and god I hope that I am. I will be keeping this a secret for years probably, till im old enough to move out I guess. I've always said I wanted to be a boy when I was 9 but everyone just laughed it off and me also thought this was just a joke?? But what if I am faking? I don't want to be trans I just want to be a cis person and feel like a cis person. I just want this to pass and not think about gender all day everyday. I don't want to be sad when I look in the  mirror. I don't want to be scared to speak because that'll make me not pass as which gender I want to be anymore. But do I want to be that gender?? I am just lost, what the frick do I do?

[Monsoon]

Hey Arden,

It's nice to hear from you again. I remember speaking about your gender with you before and how long the process of understanding yourself can take, which can be really frustrating when you just want to know the answers. From what you've just said, I get the message that you're hoping that you aren't actually trans and that you might just be doing it for the trend, and this is a pretty common thing to feel when questioning your gender. I'm wondering, what is your gut feeling telling you about this? Do you reckon that you probably are trans? If thats too personal to ask, then it's completely okay, and I guess I'm just curious to see if there is a really big part that questions whether you are trans or not. Speak soon. 

[JustArden]

On 8/29/2021 at 1:51 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey Arden,

It's nice to hear from you again. I remember speaking about your gender with you before and how long the process of understanding yourself can take, which can be really frustrating when you just want to know the answers. From what you've just said, I get the message that you're hoping that you aren't actually trans and that you might just be doing it for the trend, and this is a pretty common thing to feel when questioning your gender. I'm wondering, what is your gut feeling telling you about this? Do you reckon that you probably are trans? If thats too personal to ask, then it's completely okay, and I guess I'm just curious to see if there is a really big part that questions whether you are trans or not. Speak soon. 

idk, I just sometimes feel like I am just borrowing this body it isn't mine, it doesn't match inside me. Maybe it is just insecurity but something doesn't feel right. People mentioning that I am female just, itches it's not right but I can't say shit abt it. And Idk if I'm fr trans or not, I rather not. I just want to be happy and idk if I am able to do that as a girl but I will try but just. Gosh it's so complicated I hate it smh. 

[Monsoon]

Hey @JustArden

How are you feeling today? I kind of get the sense from your last post that you're feeling pretty down about things at the moment. It's good that you're letting it all out here, because when we bottle our feelings up, they can become overwhelming and really stress us out. How does it feel talking to us about what's going on for you? I hope it makes you feel a little better. 

I think that although things seem confusing for you right now, it's important to remember that it won't be like this forever. There will come a time when you're absolutely certain of your identity. What do you think? 

[JustArden]

On 9/8/2021 at 5:36 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey @JustArden

How are you feeling today? I kind of get the sense from your last post that you're feeling pretty down about things at the moment. It's good that you're letting it all out here, because when we bottle our feelings up, they can become overwhelming and really stress us out. How does it feel talking to us about what's going on for you? I hope it makes you feel a little better. 

I think that although things seem confusing for you right now, it's important to remember that it won't be like this forever. There will come a time when you're absolutely certain of your identity. What do you think? 

Heyy Monsoon!

 

I'm fine thanks. Talking about it? It's kind off comfronting because I usually just ignore stuff till it goes away and talking about it makes it seem real. But it's alright, someone talking to me about it makes me feel less alone so I don't mind it.

I think that'll take a long long long time or just never.  That's why I go by unlabelled now so I don't have to pick or choose anything and I don't have to worry about it, and I actually like that.

[Monsoon]

Hey @JustArden

I'm glad that talking about this is helping you to feel less alone; there are others out there like you, and hopefully our community can connect you with people who are going through something similar

Also, I find it interesting that you think you may never get to the point of knowing your identity. I completely get what you mean about how you like not having to choose your label. I wonder, how would it feel for you to have a label that you're certain of? 

[JustArden]

14 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @JustArden

I'm glad that talking about this is helping you to feel less alone; there are others out there like you, and hopefully our community can connect you with people who are going through something similar

Also, I find it interesting that you think you may never get to the point of knowing your identity. I completely get what you mean about how you like not having to choose your label. I wonder, how would it feel for you to have a label that you're certain of? 

uh, idk anymore. Being unlabelled is awesome and its comftrable but there is not rly a way to explain it to people. 

[Monsoon]

Hey @JustArden

Thats okay, You an try your best to explain it here if you like? I'm all ears and a good listener

[JustArden]

9 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @JustArden

Thats okay, You an try your best to explain it here if you like? I'm all ears and a good listener

okayy, so I feel like there is a boy and a girl trapper inside one body who cant agree on anything. And unlabelled makes those two both happy. I do know I prefer to present Masculine. I do know that I like they/them. But there actually, rn I am fine with myself. Being unlabelled and not needing to fit into anything makes me glad. I don't want to fit in any boxes accept one that is not a box. Maybe I use unlabelled as a label but I'm happy to use it. This doesn't mean im agender, I am A gender, just none that is anyones concern and not even mine. Maybe I would be happier in a guys body but I guess I can take enough with the one I have now. Just really hope I can get top surgery because that is the only thing that is absolutely not mine, they dont even feel mine. But I dont want plastic surgery so that's wakky. Idk who I am or who I am supposed to be, but rn I am just masculine me and I am happy to be    I might have my bad moments but its fine

[Monsoon]

Hey @JustArden

How are you feeling today? Thank you for explaining that to me. So, it sounds like, as you said, there are two competing genders inside, and that this is causing conflict for you. It's interesting that being unlabelled makes both of those two unhappy. I'm wondering, what kind of label do you think would allow peace between the boy and girl? I think that when people are on a gender journey, this kind of conflict can be quite stressful, and it's good to keep in mind that as time goes on, things will become clearer and that this won't last forever. As you said, although you do have your bad moments, it's fine, and it's good that you're talking through how you feel and getting your feelings out. 

[JustArden]

On 9/12/2021 at 12:40 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey @JustArden

How are you feeling today? Thank you for explaining that to me. So, it sounds like, as you said, there are two competing genders inside, and that this is causing conflict for you. It's interesting that being unlabelled makes both of those two unhappy. I'm wondering, what kind of label do you think would allow peace between the boy and girl? I think that when people are on a gender journey, this kind of conflict can be quite stressful, and it's good to keep in mind that as time goes on, things will become clearer and that this won't last forever. As you said, although you do have your bad moments, it's fine, and it's good that you're talking through how you feel and getting your feelings out. 

im doing okay today, just really tired etc. How about you?

I think bigender would fit both but I don't want both I want one. I get happier being precieved as a boy, just my body isn't really co-operating. Idk wether it is dysphoria or just insecurity, all I know it's not fun. 

[Monsoon]

Hey @JustArden,

I'm glad to hear that you're doing okay; I am also doing well, thank you. 

I totally get what you're saying about wanting one, not both. I wonder, until you've fully decided which direction you want to go in, could you continue to not label yourself, or even use bigender? Although, it kind of sounds like bigender is a label for the conflict inside of you instead of your actual sense of how you want to identify, what do you think?