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I have a crush on my straight best friend


Asher
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I never knew just how much stuff I had to rant about until I came onto this site… somehow I feel kind of selfish for piling so many of my problems onto the mentors here. It’s a weird feeling. But anyways, I have a friend that I’ve been best friends with for 4 years now. Ive always cared deeply for her and I’d consider her my closest friend at the moment. We used to think of each other as sisters, and I guess she still kind of does. Ive loved her for a long time now, but at first I just thought of it as a sisterly kind of love. It wasn’t until about a year and a half ago that I discovered what I felt for her might be something more. After all, it’s not exactly normal for me to get all fluttery and flustered every time I held her hand, or when she leaned her head on my shoulder if I just thought of her as my sister, is it? She was the reason I started questioning my sexuality in the first place. Back then I was pretty freaked out by my feelings, and denied them for a long time. I’m a Christian, so I used to think that liking girls as a girl was a sin. But now I’ve come to realize that liking girls is perfectly fine. I just got really unlucky with the girl I ended up falling for. She’s both straight AND dating my other best friend. At first I thought I was fine with it. I was happy for them! They’ve liked each other for a while now. But today, they kissed in front of me for the very first time, and I was shocked. I felt this overwhelming sadness that I really wished would go away.  I wished I was him. I already know that the only thing I can do in this situation is get over her, so I guess I’m just asking for support.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Asher

We are always here if you need to rant - it's so good to get it out of your system. It's not selfish at all - we are here to listen and help you 🙂

I just want to thank you for sharing this with us; I can tell how much this hurts you from the way you've described it. I completely get what you are saying about the overwhelming sadness. It must be so hard to see the person you love with someone else, and I really feel for you. It's such a tricky situation, isn't it? But it's good that you're speaking out and asking for advice. I'm wondering though, is there a slight chance that she could like girls too? 

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I guess it’s always possible that she could like girls as well as guys, but I’m not sure. I’m planning on coming out to her soon, so I guess if she does like girls then that might make her more comfortable with telling me too. I think I’m going to keep my crush on her a secret as long as she’s with my other friend though. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

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Hey @Asher

Yeah, I think it's a good idea to keep your crush a secret too. You don't want to impact your friendship with her as you clearly value it a lot. But yeah, I think it will be good to come out to her as it could be that she does also like girls too, but I wonder, what do you think is best for you now? Is it better for you to move on or hold out hope? 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey, it’s been a little while since I’ve been on here! Summer has been pretty busy haha. I think it’s probably best to move on… I told her a couple of weeks ago that there was something I wanted to tell her when we’re alone. She knows that I’m pretty nervous about it and she’s told me that she’ll try to be as supportive as possible. But when we were talking about it again, she told me that she would be fine with whatever it is as long as it’s not illegal and isn’t against the Bible. I don’t think the lgbtq+ community is against the Bible, but most Christians do think so, so I have a feeling she won’t be totally ok with it at first.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Asher

It sounds like you're having a busy summer - how is it going? Yeah, I think that by moving on, you are helping to keep your friendship the way it is as it could be tricky to be as close as you currently are if you then tell her that you like her. Can I ask, is your friend a strict Christian? Even if she isn't totally okay with it at first, do you think she will eventually come around to it? To be honest, most people do, but it can take time, so it's important to try and be as patient as possible. I know this is easier said than done, but I'm confident that you'll be able to work through it if it does happen 🙂

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My summer has been great! I’ve been able to spend a lot of time with my friends and family. I actually just got back from a trip to Montana 3 days ago to visit my mom’s side of the family. I’m leaving again for a camp tomorrow so I won’t be able to get on here for another week or so. I’m not sure how strict of a Christian she is, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. I know her boyfriend (my other close friend) is super strict with his beliefs, and he’s told me countless times that he thinks gay people and “people who are one gender that think they’re another gender” are ridiculous. He’s said that he can never support people like that, and he’s shown it with how he treats other friends that came out to him. Im kind of worried that she’ll side with him since he’s her boyfriend. I don’t plan on coming out to him for a while though since I don’t want to deal with what he has to say about me for the rest of high school.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Asher

I hope you have a lovely time at camp 🙂

I completely get your worry about your friend siding with him, but I'm wondering, when his other friends came out to him, how did your friend react too? Do you think she sided with him then? 

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Thanks, I’m excited! I guess she didn’t  really say anything when he was being mean to his friends. She didn’t join in with him, but she also didn’t tell him to stop. This happened at school, so the friend reported him to the office and we were called in as witnesses. I was the only one that sided with his friend when talking to the principal.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Asher

That's a shame because it sounds like she could have done more to stick up for the friend. Do you think she might have thought about how it went and now knows that she should have done more? I guess that sometimes, at the time, people don't realise what they're doing and how wrong it is, but then reflect after it. What do you reckon?

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