The dilemma with my best friend and her friend

[Mammu]

So, I have a problem, of sorts that needs explaining. FYI, this is extremely long, just so you know.

Basically my best friend and I have a common friend, let's call her Mia. I used to be great friends before me and my best friend, let's call her Marta, became best friends. For the timeline, we all just graduated 8th grade and are in the same class. Anyways, the point is, I don't like Mia, but to understand why I don't like her, you need a bit of backstory:

So, in the second grade, me, Mia, and Marta started talking more and quite quickly became friends. Those two are also very similar in appearance. Thinking back now, I had a better relationship with Mia in the beginning but after the second grade, Mia and Marta were randomly not talking to each other. They don't remember why they were fighting but they didn't talk to each other for years and I was kind of a "bridge" between the two. Now it's a bit reversed where Marta is the bridge between me and Mia.  Anyways, now on to why I don't like Mia. It all started in the third(?) grade. 

Me, another friend of mine, let's call her Kelly, and Mia had a sleepover. During the night, while I was sleeping they did...some stuff that I don't approve of. Let's just say that the worst of the worst was making my cat at the time pee into our bed, because she was so stressed. Let's just say that I cut ties with Kelly after that but my ties with Mia, although weakened, stayed put. After that the next noticeable case of Mia being a not that nice of a person is at the end of the third grade. We had the graduation of the third grade in music school and since we were in the same class, we were supposed to go together. We were supposed to meet in a park near both of our houses, let's say at three o'clock. and the graduation thing was supposed to start at like...3.30. I was there at three o'clock and she wasn't. I waited for her about ten minutes until I decided I should check out what was going on. So I went to her house. It turned out that she was supposed to go to a play and didn't think to let me know. Also, yes, I tried to call her, many times and she didn't answer. I was nearly late for the event and that was the first time I started thinking "maybe she isn't a good friend?".

The years passed, and some stuff happened in between but it's not important enough to mention. In year seven (last year), Mia and Marta (we were a lot closer with Marta by now and had declared each other as best friends) started talking a lot more. Which, surprisingly to myself as well, made me jealous? At this point, Marta was my best friend (I'd say one of the only ones) and she was one of the few reasons I hadn't commited su1s1d3 yet. So I became even closer with Marta, out of jealousy. The summer wasn't too bad but then came the eight grade.

The beginning of the year wasn't too bad. Those two weren't communicating that much and me and Marta were closer than ever (most of our class thinks that we are dating). Then came Christmas and because of my health, I wasn't in school a lot so they had the chance to be a lot closer. To be honest, they didn't have that much of a choice. Then I came back to school and January-February went pretty well except for a little thing:

In February, Marta invited me and Mia for a sleepover. Sounds fun, right? Yeah, maybe, half of the night was fun, but the other half, not that much....the whole night was filled with little jabs of jokes against me and I had nothing to do, except to put up with it. So moving on from this, then March arrived.

In March, the weather became warmer and homeschooling was in full effect. So, in the middle of our small city, there is a lake, which is about 15 km in diameter and there is a health-trail around it. Mia and Marta started walking around the lake together a lot and sending snaps about it and stuff and it made me jealous. Really jealous. They went about three-four times a week and most of the times, I wasn't invited. Then once they did. And it was a total disaster. The whole time, I was taking little jabs of "jokes" from the two that made me feel really bad and insecure. To be honest, me and Marta do this a lot when we are alone, just the two of us, but to see your best friend gang up on you with one of the people you have already started to hate, hurt. A lot. Then, the next times, I didn't go with them and I was forced to watch them having fun together and laughing and everything like that. Why didn't I go? Well, I have a health condition called marfan syndrome which makes it so that I can't make my heart rate go fast (I'm sorry for my english). This wouldn't normally be a problem, since I go to walks nearly dayly, but it is a problem when the whole trail is full of "little" hills, that are very hard to climb. So we had to stop all the time, which made me feel even more foreign and not wanted in the group. So, because of that, I didn't go when they invited me later on. 

Now, as the shops opened up slowly after the second wave of Covid, we wanted to, naturally, go shopping. At first, the plan was to go by the two of us (me and Marta) but at the last minute, she invited Mia with us. This is where I'd like to mention that I have a (diagnosed) anxiety and social anxiety disorder and one of the most stressful situations for me is shopping. I also have body dismorphia and it makes shopping really difficult for me. This is usually not a problem for me hen I go shopping with Marta, but when Mia, who is extremely judgemental, is coming along, it pumps up my anxiety to 11. I had no confidence back then as well. So, I put up with it, but it affected my mental health even more. 

Then came Mia's birthday and well, as I excpected, I wasn't invited. I was fine with not going but the worst part is, either Marta, nor Mia thought about telling me. It was kept a secret, as if they thought I couldn't handle Mia not inviting me. This doesn't seem like a major thing, but for me, it was. 

Now we move on to last month, aka May. Mine and Mart's b-days are both in May (mine's 13th and hers is 17th). So, I planned to have my party aka a sleepover at, 14th to 15th and she was supposed to have it at 15th to 16th, as we had school on the 17th. This would've all happened, but I got sick. So my birthday had to be delayed and I couldn't go to hers. But can you guess who was the only person invited besides me? Yep, Mia. So, I was forced to stay home and watch those two do the things that we were supposed to do and have fun together. So, naturally, I got jealous (is that a surprise at this point?). I had my party aka sleepover two weeks later and she was supposed to come but, as life has it, she dislocated her knee and couldn't even walk, let alone come to the sleepover. So, neither of us could go to the other person's birthday. 

We solved the problem by making a deal that we were going to do something just by ourselves. About few weeks later, I had an opportunity, where my parents went away from home so I was going to stay home alone. Naturally, I invited Marta to my place so that we could have the late birthday party but lo and behold, she said she didn't want to come. I was hurt by that but I got over it (I had no choice) so I invited and another friend, let's call her Shauna. Shauna is also a very good friend of mine but she and I aren't in the same class so we don't spend that much time together. Anyways, se agreed to come. But, the day before she was supposed to come, Marta decided that she "had nothing better to do with her life" (her words, not mine) and said that she'd come. So, the party we were supposed to have with each other, we had Shauna with us. And again, the whole night was filled with little jabs at me, most of them were from Marta tho, not Shauna. 

Now for the conflict that inspired me to make this post. So, about a week ago, me and Marta made plans to go to another city, just by the two of us. Then, at the last moment, she decided to invite Mia along. So, I was stuck in a situation where I could go and force myself to spend time with a person I love and person I hate or I would not go and let those same people go with each other. I decided not to go. There were other factors that made me decide not to go (like the heat, which was 35 degrees celcius, and the fact that we don't have a lot of money, since my dad is getting basically fired in a week) but the key factor was that Mia was coming along. 

Before you think that Marta doesn't know how I feel about Mia, she does. I had a breakdown in about one-two months ago and I told her about everything I have said in here and how I feel (accompanied by a shit ton of crying). So, she does know. 

I hate to be the person, who doesn't get along with the other person, and I'm not going to make Marta choose between us.

I just wanted another opinion on this conflict and I wanted to know, am I the a**hole in this situation?

Sorry for the long rant!

[Blondie]

Hey @Mammu I really relate to this as when I was in junior and then high school this happened with my group of friends. It's really common for some friends to be closer than others and for little clicks to form within friendship groups. These in turn can change as time goes on so it's pretty hard to keep up with and can really mess with how we feel. It's was a hard lesson that I had to learn to accept that my best / closest friends also had other friends who I wasn't close to and wouldn't always get along with. But equally I had other friends that were outside of this group and couldn't understand why my friends would sometimes feel left out.

It's completely natural to feel jealousy and feel left out as our friendships can be the strongest and closest relationships we have and they therefore mean a lot. I would definitely suggest to keep talking and communicating - if you feel left out or feel that you're being picked on, definitely speak up if you feel confident enough to at the time, as you should't feel the butt of a joke when you just want to hang out with your friends. If you keep communicating with Mia, rather than waiting for it all to build up in a major convo, it could lessen the intensity and stress. What do you think?

[Mammu]

To be honest, accepting my close friend's other friends has been a challenge for me and I'm slowly starting to beat it. It's just that things with Marta are different. We have grown really close over the years and we are both kind of "outcasts" in our class. We sit together at nearly every single class and we hang out nearly every week outside of school, when we both have time. And Mia, to put it lightly, isn't a good person. She screws people over, she lies, she drinks (we are all 15) and she has smoked a couple of times. She also blackmails people, who have opened up to her about stuff. For example, another friend is also very close with Mia and she has confided in me, that Mia has forced her to hang out (even in the middle of the night) and  when she doesn't want to and refuses, she will force her into coming with the stuff that my friend has opened up to Mia about. She has also told some of my own secrets to our entire class. As I've said before, she isn't a good person and I don't want to be associated with people like that. What baffles me tho is that Marta wants to. She knows exactly what kind of a person Mia is (except for the stuff with my other friend and I swore to her that I'd keep it a secret). She has screwed Marta over more than me and that's impressive because of how trusting I am of people. I mean, she fricking outed me as a lesbian to our whole class. 

To b honest, I've thought about confronting Mia but it'd be pointless, because I have done it before, although not directly. As all toxic people, she says something like "I'm sorry you feel that way!" and well, that is the number one line of a an apology, that is actually not an apology. And then again, I can't cut her out completely (I wish) as we go to the same class and are forced to work together in group projects sometimes. Plus, since my best friend is friends with her, I can't make her choose between us. 

All in all, I don't know what to do other than talk to Marta and try to convince her to see Mia as she is (cue the shit ton of tears I'm going to have during that convo). I just can't stop feeling like I'm overreacting and being the bitch in the situation...

[Blondie]

I realise I made an error in my response - I meant to say to keep talking / communicating with Marta. It sounds like you're unlikely to ever become close to Mia (and understandably given that she outed you) but you can keep and strengthen your friendship with Marta.  

I know it may not seem like it but it's very likely that Mia gets jealous when you spend time with Marta and has similar worries to you. Although that's not your responsibility and you cannot control other people's thoughts, actions and behaviours, we can be in charge of our own.

One idea might be to have a dedicated and regular time that you spend with Marta - just the 2 of you, so that no matter who else is hanging out together, you will have that to look forward to. It doesn't even have to be weekly , it could be 2 weekly or once a month. Do you think you could suggest this to Marta?  

[Mammu]

Thank you! I will try that, I'll prob make a some sort of voice message/video for her explaining how I feel or something like that. I've found those to be quite effective in explaining how I feel. Usually, words aren't enough and doing it in person ain't gonna happen either. But thank you! 

[Monsoon]

Let us know how it goes, Mammu!