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Mammu

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Mammu last won the day on March 23 2020

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    Hi!
    I'll make this quick, I'm 15, a lesbian, and gender-fluid. My pronouns are she/they. I love photography, art, music, and over everything, Pentatonix and especially Kevin Olusola.
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    she/they

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  1. So, basically, I've got a problem with Apiphobia, Agorophobia, Thalassophobia and the phobia of spilling liquids. (Apiphobia - basically a phobia of bees and other bugs who sting, like wasps, etc; Thalassophobia - fear of the oceans, can extend to others or all natural bodies of water; Agorophobia - the fear of big crowds). All of these have brought me a lot of problems in every aspect of my life but this summer is the worst. And before you ask, yes, I am going to a therapist because of these plus depression and anxiety. Also, all of these phobias have been diagnosed by a professional. So, the consequences of other phobias I've got under control for now ( for example: I got a fan because I don't go swimming and can't cool down otherwise. There is a heatwave happening in my country right now), except for Apiphobia. It makes me not want to go outside at all and to keep windows without bug nets closed. I also keep my own door closed just so no bees get into my room (other family members keep windows open). But, we are currently renovating and since I want to repaint a shelf, I need to shave some of the previous paint off. I have to do it outside tho. Guess which habitants are the most frequent outside atm? Yep, bees. I've already gotten ridiculed by my mom that I'm not working on the shelf at all. And I can't do it in the evening/at night because the machines makes a LOT of noise. So, I have to do it in between 6pm and 10pm because teh heat is too much during the day. (for context, it's 7pm atm). So, the problem today is that since my parents left today and I was left home alone, my mom expects me to work on the shelf today (I said that I'd do it myself so she's not forcing me). I tried to go outside but, you guessed it, there are a LOT of bees outside, They are literally EVERYWHERE. I tried to do it but I had a panick attack when just trying to be outside. I just can't do it. I can't go outside but I have to work on the shelf. I'm crying as I'm writing this just because I'm so upset. What the hell can I do? My therapist suggested me to stay away from situations that might trigger my phobias but the situations just keep coming up and there isn't much I can do. Does anyone have any advice on how I could solve this situation and convince my parents that my phobia isn't "made up"? For refrence, my dad is a hard-core military person, who has done 30-40 years of marshal arts and my mom worked on a farm as a kid and lived very far from her school and city. They were also pretty poor when they were young. Can someone help/have any advice? I just don't want to have another panick/anxiety attack....
  2. Yes, I do! I still have the idea of doing it because I couldn't do it due to Corona!
  3. Thank you! I will try that, I'll prob make a some sort of voice message/video for her explaining how I feel or something like that. I've found those to be quite effective in explaining how I feel. Usually, words aren't enough and doing it in person ain't gonna happen either. But thank you!
  4. Any fans of the band Pentatonix here?
  5. Mammu

    im just so done

    Hey! We all feel like this sometimes. Depression can be a...bad person (let's try to stay civil shall we!) Panic attacks are also no fun! I have been in your situation and the only thing that helps is time. It takes a lot of time to move on. You never get over stuff like this. You just move on and accept that it's the past, which you can't change. In the meantime, try to find something that you enjoy doing. It can be reading, drawing, editing, making music, sleeping, going outside, photography, exercising, writing - practically anything. Just find that small thing that keeps you going! What I've also found helps a lot is going to sleep really early, like 9 pm or something like that. It doesn't matter if you are a night owl or an early bird, going to bed really early and trying to fall asleep helps a lot. Also look into meditation and lucid dreaming. They are both amazing tools to help manage stress, depression and anxiety. (for lucid dreaming tips check out the YT channel Explore Lucid Dreaming) Also, there is something else, that you can try but it's not for everyone. If you could get into theraphy, then it might also help. It helped me and even though for some people it might not work, you never know until you try it out! I hope that these help and just remember, you are not alone in this stuff and that your older you will thank you later!
  6. Heyya! A fellow musician here! So, I think as artists, we all go through that phase of self-doubt. I've had it, multiple times, and still have. All my other artist friends have had some level of self-doubt at some point. There is just one exception to those artists and that's the ones who don't self-doubt. Can you guess how those people could be described as well? Yep, narcissists. Self-doubt isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing. It's kinda similar to a fever. And how do you deal with a fever? Yep, you do nothing, if the fever is not that high. Same with self-doubt. If you have some amount of self-doubt, then that's healthy. Let your mind work around it itself and you can push it forward a bit by, for example, looking at how far you've come. Listen to some stuff that you have composed previously and just look at how far you've come and how much progress you've made! Because I guarantee you, you have made a lot progress. On the other hand, if the fever is high and you have a lot of self-doubt then that's not healthy anymore. So, what do we do when a fever is high? We take medication. You know what is the best medication for self-doubt? Compliments from other people and yourself. So, here are some: you are amazing. Your music is amazing, even though I haven't heard it, I know it's amazing. Also, that good grade you got? I'm so proud of you! That is amazing! I'm so happy for you! I hope this helps! I know how you feel and just know, you are not alone in this! We artists (who aren't narcissists) are here with you!
  7. To be honest, accepting my close friend's other friends has been a challenge for me and I'm slowly starting to beat it. It's just that things with Marta are different. We have grown really close over the years and we are both kind of "outcasts" in our class. We sit together at nearly every single class and we hang out nearly every week outside of school, when we both have time. And Mia, to put it lightly, isn't a good person. She screws people over, she lies, she drinks (we are all 15) and she has smoked a couple of times. She also blackmails people, who have opened up to her about stuff. For example, another friend is also very close with Mia and she has confided in me, that Mia has forced her to hang out (even in the middle of the night) and when she doesn't want to and refuses, she will force her into coming with the stuff that my friend has opened up to Mia about. She has also told some of my own secrets to our entire class. As I've said before, she isn't a good person and I don't want to be associated with people like that. What baffles me tho is that Marta wants to. She knows exactly what kind of a person Mia is (except for the stuff with my other friend and I swore to her that I'd keep it a secret). She has screwed Marta over more than me and that's impressive because of how trusting I am of people. I mean, she fricking outed me as a lesbian to our whole class. To b honest, I've thought about confronting Mia but it'd be pointless, because I have done it before, although not directly. As all toxic people, she says something like "I'm sorry you feel that way!" and well, that is the number one line of a an apology, that is actually not an apology. And then again, I can't cut her out completely (I wish) as we go to the same class and are forced to work together in group projects sometimes. Plus, since my best friend is friends with her, I can't make her choose between us. All in all, I don't know what to do other than talk to Marta and try to convince her to see Mia as she is (cue the shit ton of tears I'm going to have during that convo). I just can't stop feeling like I'm overreacting and being the bitch in the situation...
  8. So, I have a problem, of sorts that needs explaining. FYI, this is extremely long, just so you know. Basically my best friend and I have a common friend, let's call her Mia. I used to be great friends before me and my best friend, let's call her Marta, became best friends. For the timeline, we all just graduated 8th grade and are in the same class. Anyways, the point is, I don't like Mia, but to understand why I don't like her, you need a bit of backstory: So, in the second grade, me, Mia, and Marta started talking more and quite quickly became friends. Those two are also very similar in appearance. Thinking back now, I had a better relationship with Mia in the beginning but after the second grade, Mia and Marta were randomly not talking to each other. They don't remember why they were fighting but they didn't talk to each other for years and I was kind of a "bridge" between the two. Now it's a bit reversed where Marta is the bridge between me and Mia. Anyways, now on to why I don't like Mia. It all started in the third(?) grade. Me, another friend of mine, let's call her Kelly, and Mia had a sleepover. During the night, while I was sleeping they did...some stuff that I don't approve of. Let's just say that the worst of the worst was making my cat at the time pee into our bed, because she was so stressed. Let's just say that I cut ties with Kelly after that but my ties with Mia, although weakened, stayed put. After that the next noticeable case of Mia being a not that nice of a person is at the end of the third grade. We had the graduation of the third grade in music school and since we were in the same class, we were supposed to go together. We were supposed to meet in a park near both of our houses, let's say at three o'clock. and the graduation thing was supposed to start at like...3.30. I was there at three o'clock and she wasn't. I waited for her about ten minutes until I decided I should check out what was going on. So I went to her house. It turned out that she was supposed to go to a play and didn't think to let me know. Also, yes, I tried to call her, many times and she didn't answer. I was nearly late for the event and that was the first time I started thinking "maybe she isn't a good friend?". The years passed, and some stuff happened in between but it's not important enough to mention. In year seven (last year), Mia and Marta (we were a lot closer with Marta by now and had declared each other as best friends) started talking a lot more. Which, surprisingly to myself as well, made me jealous? At this point, Marta was my best friend (I'd say one of the only ones) and she was one of the few reasons I hadn't commited su1s1d3 yet. So I became even closer with Marta, out of jealousy. The summer wasn't too bad but then came the eight grade. The beginning of the year wasn't too bad. Those two weren't communicating that much and me and Marta were closer than ever (most of our class thinks that we are dating). Then came Christmas and because of my health, I wasn't in school a lot so they had the chance to be a lot closer. To be honest, they didn't have that much of a choice. Then I came back to school and January-February went pretty well except for a little thing: In February, Marta invited me and Mia for a sleepover. Sounds fun, right? Yeah, maybe, half of the night was fun, but the other half, not that much....the whole night was filled with little jabs of jokes against me and I had nothing to do, except to put up with it. So moving on from this, then March arrived. In March, the weather became warmer and homeschooling was in full effect. So, in the middle of our small city, there is a lake, which is about 15 km in diameter and there is a health-trail around it. Mia and Marta started walking around the lake together a lot and sending snaps about it and stuff and it made me jealous. Really jealous. They went about three-four times a week and most of the times, I wasn't invited. Then once they did. And it was a total disaster. The whole time, I was taking little jabs of "jokes" from the two that made me feel really bad and insecure. To be honest, me and Marta do this a lot when we are alone, just the two of us, but to see your best friend gang up on you with one of the people you have already started to hate, hurt. A lot. Then, the next times, I didn't go with them and I was forced to watch them having fun together and laughing and everything like that. Why didn't I go? Well, I have a health condition called marfan syndrome which makes it so that I can't make my heart rate go fast (I'm sorry for my english). This wouldn't normally be a problem, since I go to walks nearly dayly, but it is a problem when the whole trail is full of "little" hills, that are very hard to climb. So we had to stop all the time, which made me feel even more foreign and not wanted in the group. So, because of that, I didn't go when they invited me later on. Now, as the shops opened up slowly after the second wave of Covid, we wanted to, naturally, go shopping. At first, the plan was to go by the two of us (me and Marta) but at the last minute, she invited Mia with us. This is where I'd like to mention that I have a (diagnosed) anxiety and social anxiety disorder and one of the most stressful situations for me is shopping. I also have body dismorphia and it makes shopping really difficult for me. This is usually not a problem for me hen I go shopping with Marta, but when Mia, who is extremely judgemental, is coming along, it pumps up my anxiety to 11. I had no confidence back then as well. So, I put up with it, but it affected my mental health even more. Then came Mia's birthday and well, as I excpected, I wasn't invited. I was fine with not going but the worst part is, either Marta, nor Mia thought about telling me. It was kept a secret, as if they thought I couldn't handle Mia not inviting me. This doesn't seem like a major thing, but for me, it was. Now we move on to last month, aka May. Mine and Mart's b-days are both in May (mine's 13th and hers is 17th). So, I planned to have my party aka a sleepover at, 14th to 15th and she was supposed to have it at 15th to 16th, as we had school on the 17th. This would've all happened, but I got sick. So my birthday had to be delayed and I couldn't go to hers. But can you guess who was the only person invited besides me? Yep, Mia. So, I was forced to stay home and watch those two do the things that we were supposed to do and have fun together. So, naturally, I got jealous (is that a surprise at this point?). I had my party aka sleepover two weeks later and she was supposed to come but, as life has it, she dislocated her knee and couldn't even walk, let alone come to the sleepover. So, neither of us could go to the other person's birthday. We solved the problem by making a deal that we were going to do something just by ourselves. About few weeks later, I had an opportunity, where my parents went away from home so I was going to stay home alone. Naturally, I invited Marta to my place so that we could have the late birthday party but lo and behold, she said she didn't want to come. I was hurt by that but I got over it (I had no choice) so I invited and another friend, let's call her Shauna. Shauna is also a very good friend of mine but she and I aren't in the same class so we don't spend that much time together. Anyways, se agreed to come. But, the day before she was supposed to come, Marta decided that she "had nothing better to do with her life" (her words, not mine) and said that she'd come. So, the party we were supposed to have with each other, we had Shauna with us. And again, the whole night was filled with little jabs at me, most of them were from Marta tho, not Shauna. Now for the conflict that inspired me to make this post. So, about a week ago, me and Marta made plans to go to another city, just by the two of us. Then, at the last moment, she decided to invite Mia along. So, I was stuck in a situation where I could go and force myself to spend time with a person I love and person I hate or I would not go and let those same people go with each other. I decided not to go. There were other factors that made me decide not to go (like the heat, which was 35 degrees celcius, and the fact that we don't have a lot of money, since my dad is getting basically fired in a week) but the key factor was that Mia was coming along. Before you think that Marta doesn't know how I feel about Mia, she does. I had a breakdown in about one-two months ago and I told her about everything I have said in here and how I feel (accompanied by a shit ton of crying). So, she does know. I hate to be the person, who doesn't get along with the other person, and I'm not going to make Marta choose between us. I just wanted another opinion on this conflict and I wanted to know, am I the a**hole in this situation? Sorry for the long rant!
  9. Great to see you online Mammu!ย ๐Ÿ˜

  10. @Monsoon thank you for replying! Yes, I'm hoping that once I come out to her that I find the courage to tell her that I like her. She is such a wild person that there is a small chance that she'll like me back so that's what I'm counting on. รขโ‚ฌโ€นรขโ‚ฌโ€นรขโ‚ฌโ€นรขโ‚ฌโ€นรขโ‚ฌโ€น
  11. @Monsoon thank you for responding. Well, first of all, I'd like to go back to school. Been staying home today and tomorrow since I have a sore throat and you can't to school with any of the Corona symptoms. Secondly, well I'd like to tell her that I'm a lesbian (she will most likely not care at all since she thinks that gay relationships are cute and she might be bi herself). I kinda had this idea of inviting her over for a sleepover, when both my parents and my little sis go away and telling her then. The problem is, that they aren't going anywhere. My dad might go away but my mom isn't leaving. I mean yeah my Lil sis can just go to our grandma's place and that would be all but my mom would still probably stay home and hell Nah I'm inviting my crush (Let's call her E) over while she is at home. Plus, she knows E pretty closely so that would make things kinda awkward. Another thing that makes this more complicated is that I haven't dated anyone. Ever. It's kinda not a thing where I live (at least at this age), it's considered more of a weird than a normal thing, and of course, when you are 14, dating automatically means that it's definitely sexual. I don't know if she thinks like that tho. I just don't know what to do...
  12. So, I have a friend...who I really like. She identifies as a girl and so do I. The problem is that I don't know if she is straight or not. She has hinted (a couple of times) that she might be bi, but I'm not sure if it was a joke or not. Some background: -we have been friends since kindergarten (currently in the 8th grade) but got more closer in the third-fourth grade. Then grew apart in the fifth and sixth and became closer again in the seventh grade. -in my home country, the grades (like the 4th, 5th, 6t, etc grades) are divided into letters (for example 8.a, 8.b, and 8.c class) every class has about 26 students, we all have different time-schedules, but some classes overlap. She is in the 8.a grade and I'm in the 8.b. -I'm a lesbian and not out to her -She has a friend/classmate with whom we have a joke in our friend group that they are "married" (they sit on each other's lap before a common class we have together and so on) and this makes me always extremely jealous (even though I don't show it. Been getting pretty good at faking my emotions these last years) The problem is that she is really flirty with me. She kisses me on the cheek, hugs me for long periods of time. We had a sleepover at some point and I was watching a movie while cuddling with her (aka I was laying beside her with my hand over her stomach, my head resting on her shoulder and every time I tried to take my hand off (I thought I was making her uncomfortable) she pulled it back. I don't know what to make of these signs. Does she like me or is she just like this overall? Is she bi or straight? Does she like her classmate/friend? These are just some questions racing through my mind every time I see her or when I think about her (which is constantly). What should I make of these signs and should I just straight up come out to her and ask her?
  13. Hey @sweetie! I can't offer you any advice since I don't have a similar experience, but what I can do, is say this: first off, I can relate to you in the sense that writing things out makes things easier. I also can relate to the thoughts you are having (even though for me these thoughts come to mind on different subjects) and I also feel guilty about them. That is the only thing I can offer you advice about: Don't feel guilty. There is nothing wrong with your own thoughts. In my experience, these "what if" scenarios are actually healthy since it lets you live out your negative thoughts without hurting anybody. I think about very negative scenarios constantly and it's one way for me to let out the negative feelings that bottle up very often. Maybe try writing a book about them? Like, if you are thinking about your parents getting a divorce, then write about it. Make up some characters (like your family members), put them through a divorce, and write the book from your own perspective (if you understand what I mean). I lived a lot of so-called "negative thoughts" through in my books and it really helped. Hope this helps!
  14. I haven't been very active here recently but that's because my life has taken an interesting turn for the best! I started a fan-account on my favorite band, which is doing very well; I came out, in addition to my best friend, to another person as well (which was made easier by a necklace, LGBTQ themed, which I ordered online) and am about to come out to another friend; I finally went to see a therapist and she helped me a lot. I also want to see a psychologist to finally get an official diagnosis so my parents finally believe that I'm not mentally okay (I'm seeing a family counselor atm, since my family-care doctor/healthcare system though that she is the same thing as a psychologist); My scoliosis is getting better by the day; I started depending less and less on what others think (especially my mom); I took down in weight; I finally left my chess class since with everything it was becoming too much and so I decided to give it up; I finally had the courage to dye my hair. I also did two things I'd never think I would: I am planning to go to art school even though I have never been good at it (since I already go to photography classes there, I thought next year I could also learn composition and drawing). I was also thinking about taking singing classes at my music school, and I started recording myself singing. Overall, I just wanted to share the fact that it can be okay in the end. It will get better eventually. Half a year to a year ago I was a depressed, suicidal individual with bad hygiene, memory. Now I'm confident, healthy, and most important of all - I have finally found ways to be happy. So, I finally did it! I finally exited the never-ending tunnel and ended up in a world of colors. Some are still black but even the best of us have a little black inside ourselves.
  15. Does it annoy anybody else, that schools don't talk about mental health and the LGBTQ+ community? (at least in our country they don't). Like, they should talk about mental illnesses, questioning your gender/sexuality, and everything related to that topic. Instead, they just mention it briefly and move on. And by briefly mentioning it, I mean they don't. The only time, when we were ever educated on mental health, was during the "mental+emotional+physical health are all important" subject, but all that was talked about mental health was stress. Like it's the only mental illness, that you could have! It's such a huge part of everybody and schools do not talk about it. I just hate it! Also, I think that homophobia could be very rare, maybe non-existent if schools educated the young generation on the LGBTQ community. An example from my own life: When I was in the second grade (I'm in the eighth grade now) there was a rumor about a lesbian in our school. The rumor was "there is a girl who likes other girls" and I found it very weird and not-okay. Even not-possible. Later, thinking back, I know, what the girl felt because I also recently accepted myself as a lesbian/bisexual and I feel bad for her. She was looked at as a weirdo, just because she was different and other kids around her weren't taught to accept and cherish those types of differences. Also, I was talking to a young relative of mine recently (third-grader) who said this exact sentence (translated to English, by me): "Can I tell you a secret? In my aunt's class (her aunt is about 18) there are some girls, who like other girls!" "What about it," I asked. "Isn't it a little weird and disgusting?" she replied. Of course, I don't blame her, since you despise what is unknown (I also did the same thing, her age) but it's just sad, that people still think that, even young children, who shouldn't give a damn about those things. And mostly because they aren't told anything abut it in school. Sorry for the long story but this is just something, that I constantly rant to my dad about (the only person that I can rant to since my friends also do not get the importance of mental health and follow the stereotype: "every single person who sees a therapist/is mentally ill, is a murdering psychopath"). Hope I didn't annoy y'all too much.
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