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an update(in a way)


sweetie
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Hey everyone, happy new years.

I honestly don't know where to start. I can't say life is the best rn but I can see it changing for the better at the moment. I remember talking about my relationship with my dad, it hasn't really changed per se but the issue disappeared only because I started school like physically so I only see him 2 times a day which is honestly fine with me. I knew seeing my family less would help me out a bit but I don't know it felt so impossible because I thought the only way that would happen was for me to live with my aunt in the United States, but as I said going to school fixed.

 

Weirdly, school is basically a distraction from my life, although I don't really know what that life is. most people would disagree and say school should be your life but I see things differently, I just never understood how I felt until last year. 2020 was a blessing but a curse, I became more self-aware but as doing so I realised that my life was a bit fucked up, and it was way too much for me to handle.

 

anyways I'm truly grateful for finding this website. i hope everyone is well. sending lots of love

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School is perhaps the best time in life. This period also has its own problems. And the formation of personality, and building relationships with classmates, and the need to study uninteresting disciplines for you. But in principle, these same problems remain in adulthood. It's just that an adult rarely changes morally due to already established rules and stereotypes in his head.

 

The fact that you have disagreements with your parents is also a variant of the norm. It's only not okay if your parents aren't trying to make friends with you, to be open so that you are open in return. But this is no longer the child's fault, although it is in the child that as a result of this, complexes or social protest develop.

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School can be the best time, yes but it's quite difficult when you don't really understand what your doing there. So everyone's morals are the same as yours. In a way, I mean I come to school because my parents sent me, they laid that foundation for me from when I was born. Although I am grateful for such an opportunity I also don't find the advantage after, so I put in work in school but its to satisfy my parents. I'm not saying I do everything for my parents I just mean they started all this with hard work, I'm just trying not to disappoint and also gradually trying to set my own foundation.

I don't see my future as education-related, I can't even see myself in university for more than a year. and that's horrible because I will soon be in that spot to decide which ones I want to go to and that's in the matter of 1-2 years from now. a lot could happen in those years but how far can I actually go? this also adds so my self-doubts.

 

secondly, my relationship with my dad is not emotionally strong so my depression gets worse when I'm around him. after I started school I started to realise I was being too irrational. things aren't all that bad but I can't handle everything at my state. It takes time but for there to be progress I need space. I know parents and children are known to be normal but I have my mom and we quarrel but things go back to how it was, I have a good emotional relationship with her. I've thought about discussing this but at an age I'm in, whatever we say is just 'nonsense' because we're 'too young and confused' and all that. But I am willing to try when I feel I'll be confident enough.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @sweetie

 

It's lovely to hear from you again. Thanks for checking in with us - it's always nice to speak with you :)

 

I'm sorry to hear that life isn't the best for you right now, but glad hear that it's changing for the better. I'm wondering, what kind of things are changing for you right now?

 

Also, knowing what I do about your life and how things are at home, I can completely see why going to school is so much better for you. Are you still hoping to go to the US? I remember us speaking about that last time, but I thought I would just ask given what you've just said about university.

 

Speak soon!

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Thank you, life may not be the best as I said but I do know it's changing and it's a process so I'm pretty happy about that. Well I changed schools and it came with a lot of disadvantages like I couldn't see my friends again because we of the pandemic and I was only able to see a few of them during my break in December. I was hoping to see them one last time before I started physical school but I wasn't bale to and it really put me in a bad mood for a while. But I realised that not everything can go my way, but anyways I came to notice that leaving that school was an eye opener for me so it came with it's own advantages. I don't know how to put this but I was stuck on that school, because you know school is where you spend most of your life in so most of mydecisions revolved around 'what if my school found...' also 'will I be judged by the people in my school if I did...' and all those thoughts, so basically I was afraid of people judging me and I nobody likes the thought of being talked about behind their backs. But changing schools made me acknowledge that life really does move and it wont wait for anyone, I cant keep bothering myself about what people thought, because some people you meet will come and go its just about the matter of time.

And other than school I've been thinking about being more religious, I'm a Christian and I want to achieve my dreams but in the way God wants it. I have hope for myself to be better basically, and I haven't had a suicidal thought in my head for a while. I actually say to myself, just incase, that 'taking my life means I'm giving up', and I refuse to do that.

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I don't think I will be going to the U.S anymore and I'm fine with that. I started talking to my mom about what my academic future will be looking like in about 1-2 years from now. This might be my last year in highschool but I still have exams to take after. I've been talking about driving soon and learning with my brother because he's 17 and I'm 15. the plan was to go to the U.s and finish my highschool because I ma still young, but the other plan is doing A levels and a university preparation programme (that my brother is currently doing right now) so I will have 2 more years to prepare for highschool.

I'm not a big fan of exams or school but I know I have to take them seriously. Even if I might not get what I wanted I don't want to just give up. It's funny because all this hope just came from A simple family devotion with my mom and siblings just this morning. And that's the why I want to be more religious, like if I feel this moved from just a bible reading imagine if I become closer to God every single day.

 

It actually funny because last year I had hope that my depression was going to finish before the end of 2020 but it didn't and to be honest I didn't put in a lot of effort but I did try and for that I'm proud of myself. I have a lot of hope for this year, not to mention how I have plans for starting a Youtube channel because I never expected to write this long lol but I did want to discuss about this(school and Christianity) one day on my channel, so I now understand why it's so lengthy.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @sweetie

 

I think that it sounds like you're really figuring out what you want from life and this is good. Most people just kind of go with the flow when it comes to education and end up doing something they don't want to, so I'm really pleased to see you're figuring out what you really want :). Also, I like what you said about how it's important that you tried with your depression. It can be hard to put a lot of effort into your mental health for so many reasons, but it's good that you tried as you said. I wonder what's next on your journey? :)

 

 

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Thank You, every day that I realise that I'm figuring things out if feels like a warm hug. I like to think back to when my depression started and feel proud of myself when I realise how far I've come. I'm not in the best state right now but I do know I'm doing pretty well.

Well for my journey, I've been thinking about finally participating in my hobbies more, like exercising, drawing and just reading. I have an exam coming in a few months so I'm trying to add more effort than I usually do and read ahead. And not to mention I started my youtube journey which I'm getting a ton of support from my friends.

 

I'm trying not to rush anything because this all feels so unreal to me, I never thought I'd be this happy with anything I've done. I obviously have off days but now it doesn't really last because I have things to distract me like school and everything.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @sweetie

 

It's great to hear how positive you're feeling about your journey. You've come so far and you're really building your resilience which will always be a good thing for your life. I'm proud of you. With any journey, there will be ups and downs, or off days, and this is completely normal. Heck, you might even feel like you're back to square one at times, but just know that you'll get through it. The dips are only temporary :)

 

I wonder, what do you think helped you to get to this stage where you're feeling so positive?

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Thank you, that's really great to hear. I get scared because I know there will be off days and I just keep hoping that I will be able to handle it. But one thing is I can always count on this website if it's too overwhelming for me.

If I'm being honest, I absolutely have no idea what helped me. Maybe it moved so gradually slow that I didn't even realise my mood was getting more positive. But I do remember somedays, about a month ago or so, that I would have a lot of mood swings and in the night I would be SO happy for no absolute reason.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @sweetie

 

I'm glad that you feel like you've always got this website if it's too overwhelming for you. Yeah, I think you're right when you say about the change being so gradual. Progress takes time, and we often don't realise how much progress we're making until we look back after a long time.

 

I'm curious, do you feel like you won't be able to handle the off days? If so, why is that?

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's kind of like a half and half. Like I doubt myself sometimes because the problems that really had an impact in my depression aren't resolved. They have been basically pushed aside in a way because of school and stuff. But I still believe that I'll be able to handle somethings though.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @sweetie

 

Yeah, I get what you're saying about doubting yourself because the problems aren't really resolved, but I'm glad that you feel like you'll be able to handle some things. I'm wondering, do you feel like you can solve the things that are impacting your depression? If so, do you have any idea how?

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think that I just need time to think them through one by one. All my past problems can't be forgotten but I can at least try to put them to rest. It's just my head hasn't been in the right place lately like I have too much to focus on. But I'm going to make that time.

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