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Drama with friend it's my fault.


Oneperson
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Ok a little backstory, I have been bffs with this girl for 3 years. And I we met in school, we are in homeschool and text each other all the time. However, my other bff, let's call her Mckennie for privacy reasons. She pressured me to do this horrible prank. She made blackmailed me into telling my bff I had cancer. I got in trouble and my friend cried the whole day, it was my fault. I already knew I had really bad depression because of my parents. To do this sucked.. We didnt talk for weeks, then we made up. However things have been stiff with us and because we rely on each other a lot i feel like the only reason we stay together is becuase we need each other. If that makes sense. I decided we needed a break this week. To make things worse, she is my crush. And I'm a girl so... I told her and I tried to be honest and direct about it. She got mad and blew saying she has been through a lot with me and now I'm pushing her away, then she said it's not going to fix anything and the next time we text, we will be on edge. I hate it. Please help me I dont know what to do.

 

- randomperson

 

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Hey @Oneperson!

This sounds... well, complicated to say the least. But most things worth it are. I also have a crush on my girl BFF (I'm also a girl) and I am not out to her. It sounds like you tried to tell her, who you were and she maybe got scared? If so, then there are two reasons, I could think of, for her to do this: she either feels the same way (and is shocked by you saying that), or she doesn´t and is just surprised and maybe mad at herself because she is your BFF and wants, what´s best for you, and she feels like she is not the person to make you happy. I know, how devastating that feeling might be.

My advice to you is, let it sit for a week or so. Let her think about it and make her decision and when all of this is over, maybe you could meet in a neutral environment and talk? Like in a park, a little diner, etc. Somewhere you feel comfortable. I´d also suggest making a mental list of things you want to say to her and rehearsing your words before talking to her. It helps you be better prepared mentally and the outcome might depend on it.

But I´m also kinda worried, who is the other BFF? The one, that blackmailed you? Are you still friends with her? What did she use to blackmail you? (answer only, if you´re comfortable to!)

Edited by Mammu
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  • Digital Mentor

Hey ONEPERSON,

 

Thanks for reaching out to us. I'm sorry to hear that you were blackmailed by your other friend into doing this. Have you talked to them about this? It's not okay for anyone to blackmail you.

 

With your bff, I think that you were right to ask for a break. It sounds like things were getting quite heated for and that you both need some time to cool down. Just know that this will pass and it will get better :). Mammu gave you some really good advice (thanks, Mammu!) which I would have said myself. Having that space for both of you to have a think and then meet up to talk will work well. Also, having a plan of what you want to say will help too.

 

Can I also ask, how are you doing with your mental health at the moment? Are you getting help for it? I noticed what you said about your depression and parents. You only need to talk about this if you want to, no pressure. I just want to make sure that you're safe and well after talking about your bad depression.

 

Hope to hear back from you soon

 

- Monsoon

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Hey @Oneperson!

This sounds... well, complicated to say the least. But most things worth it are. I also have a crush on my girl BFF (I'm also a girl) and I am not out to her. It sounds like you tried to tell her, who you were and she maybe got scared? If so, then there are two reasons, I could think of, for her to do this: she either feels the same way (and is shocked by you saying that), or she doesn´t and is just surprised and maybe mad at herself because she is your BFF and wants, what´s best for you, and she feels like she is not the person to make you happy. I know, how devastating that feeling might be.

My advice to you is, let it sit for a week or so. Let her think about it and make her decision and when all of this is over, maybe you could meet in a neutral environment and talk? Like in a park, a little diner, etc. Somewhere you feel comfortable. I´d also suggest making a mental list of things you want to say to her and rehearsing your words before talking to her. It helps you be better prepared mentally and the outcome might depend on it.

But I´m also kinda worried, who is the other BFF? The one, that blackmailed you? Are you still friends with her? What did she use to blackmail you? (answer only, if you´re comfortable to!)

Great advice :) thanks!

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Dear Mammu, yes I am

considered "friends " with this girl because we have been friends since childhood and have been neighbors forever until she moved away. She impacted me greatly. I cried over her until I realized it was pathetic because she had treated me horribly as a young child, she was the master at blackmailing and knew how to do it. In this situation she had grabbed my phone and told me I had to tell one close friend that I had cancer as a funny prank. I told her no, but she told me if I didnt, she would send it to family members. I was in shock as she sent the message to my bff.

 

 

 

Dear Monsoon, I have not gotten therapy for my depression. I am still young and I dont want to talk to my parents about it. Only because they are hard to talk to. Both of them are asian and they are strict, I got slapped for not knowing what was going on when my mom was trying to make masks and make me try one on. I was used to being hit at, flicked at, and once I had a cereal box thrown at me. But my mom always said it was because I wasnt listening. She always escalated the situation. That's why when my mom started her work as a travel nurse in california, (I live across the country ) I was do relieved, but I was left with my dad. I loved my dad, however, he doesnt listen and basically we are twins. To make it harder when my mom visits every once in a while, all of a sudden my dad is someone else. He suddenly becomes a sucker to her. And he always is on her side no matter what the situation. Even if shes wrong. And when he came home grumpy, he took it out on me, on a movie night. He didnt abuse me physically. He only abused me with words,saying stuff like

 

" pick a movie already it's not that hard!"

 

And when I lost my phone I asked him once to call it and he said

 

" sounds like a personal problem. "

I hate when he does that!

 

I dont get any therapy because my parents are hard to talk to.

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Hey ONEPERSON,

 

This sounds so tricky and hard to deal with. I'm sorry that this has been your reality - it must really take its toll on you. Can I ask how old you are? If you're old enough, I wonder if maybe there is somewhere else you can stay? It definitely sounds like your parents are being physically and emotionally abusive towards you. You might find this article helpful: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/parents-emotionally-bully-me/

 

You do not deserve to be treated like this, no one does. You deserve to be treated with respect and I just want to check, is it safe where you live? Your safety is our number one priority and if you are in a position to do so, it is important that you try to move out if you feel at risk.

 

Also, you might not have to speak to your parents to get therapy. Have you spoken to a doctor/people at school (if you're still in school) about this? You might be able to access mental health services without your parents knowing.

 

I hope this helps. Do respond soon so we know you are safe.

 

-Monsoon

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Dear Monsoon, yes I am safe. I live in a safe neighborhood. I am about twelve years old. My dad is being nice now becuase my mom isnt home. I think the reason they are so mad is because they are having difficult conversations with each other, they fight sometimes. I am safe in my house I can reassure you that. My dad had never laid a hand on me, but they have yelled at me and said that they still love me. And unfortunately I am in homeschool so I dont have anyone else to talk to about this. Thank you. And due to quarantine I cannot live somewhere else at the moment.

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Hey. I'm really glad to hear that you're safe and that your dad is being nice now that your mom isn't there. I do still worry about how they are with you when your mom comes back. When she is back, does she physically lash out at you? If so, I think it would be really helpful for you to try and speak to them about this in a calm way, maybe by writing a letter. You shouldn't have to put up with them lashing out at you physically and verbally. Do you think this could help? Even if they say they love you after doing this kind of stuff, it still doesn't make it okay and it needs to stop. Your feelings matter here.

 

We do care about you here and just want to make sure you're safe.

 

- Monsoon

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Maybe your advice can help, my mother is a very stubborn woman. Shes physically lashed out at me before, but she doesnt now. But I was scarred for life because I've never had a good relationship with my mom. When I was younger the fighting was so bad, when I took my dog out, I used to be crying and thinking about running away. I never did that though, although I had strong urges to. It hot so bad I got depression. I almost ended it one day until my mom found my note that I had written for them, it had all my feelings in it and she showed it to my dad. My dad freaked out and started crying. We then had a really long talk. How they need to become better parents. I told them. Everything was great! For about.. two or three months, it was the best relief I've ever had. But then.. true colors always shine through. They changed back I to their old selves. Except my dad is nicer when my mom is not around. I try and isolate myself from them unless I really need something. I'm not sure what else to do.. help?

 

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Ah, it must have been really upsetting for you when she was lashing out :(, but I'm really pleased she doesn't do that now as it's not acceptable at all. I'm also glad to hear that your mother found your letter before you managed to take your own life.

 

I think the fact that things were different for a few months really shows that they can change, but for some reason, they sadly went back to how they were. Have you spoken to them about this? People can find it hard to kick old habits and behaviours. Also, if they don't know they're doing it again, they probably won't think to change them. I think that's what I'd do. What do you reckon?

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I've brought it up a few times before, but they were just like " that's not true." Or "Psh that's all false."

 

I feel very helpless here at the moment. My family could possibly be falling apart, and I am taking a break with a friend. I just need someone to talk to.

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Hey. I completely get why you feel helpless right now. It sounds like there's so much going on for you and I can't imagine how tough it must be. It's great that you're reaching out to others for help though. We are aways here to support you - even if it's just for a chat :)

 

At the moment, do you feel like there's anything else you can do to help with what's going on? It sounds like you're doing all the right things anyway, but I just want to see what you think? These kinds of things are tough and out of our control a lot of the time.

 

Also, feel free to send the message over :). Just make sure that you take out all personal details e.g. names, etc. Thanks!

 

- Monsoon

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To be honest, not really. My summer just started for me and I'm going to try and focus on your advice and take the friendship break off of my mind.

 

Here is our entire convo:

 

Me:Hey.. I need to tell you something, I'm going through a lot right now, and I really need some time to reevaluate things. Can I ask you a favor? It's a big one. Would you mind if we didn’t talk for a few weeks? I just want to come clean with you and I dont want to hurt your feelings.. but please understand it's only for a few weeks.. then we can start talking..

 

Her: What r u going through?!?

 

Me: Listen I dont want to hurt you more than I already have.. but I havent gotten over it. It made us completely out of sync.And I'm not trying to make anymore drama. I'm just telling you how I feel and trying to be direct about it.

 

Her:I have tried to be your friend and have gone through a lot of drama with u and ur just giving up?! I have gone through u telling me u liked (and apparently u still do) I have gone through u telling me u that u had cancer!!!!! and I have gone through so much more and ur just going to give up?! Pushing me away isn't going to solve anything!!!!! What's going to happen?!? Our friendship just getting destroyed look we can remain friends or just not.... Ur killing me with this on and off friendship!!!! R we friends or not?????Fine let's take a break! It ain't gonna solve crap.

 

Me:You've gone through a lot and I understand that I've dragged you into stuff. But ending this on a bad note is just damaging for the both of us. I've felt the on again off again relationship before. It sucks. But we are friends. That prank was the worst thing I have ever done and I accept that. But I'm not pushing you away. I'm telling you that I need a break becuase our convos feel stiff, I feel like we are just being friends just because we need each other. And because of that we needed a break. I understand that you wont want to talk to me for awhile because you are mad. But dont end this on a bad note.

 

Her:Fine stop talking to me but don't expect me to rejoice when u txt me back....Don't even expect me to respond........ I might but we r gonna be on edge.

 

 

I just copied and pasted this whole convo. Please leave me with your thoughts. I am trying to understand her feelings and it's hard to.

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Hey,

 

Thanks for showing me the convo. I think it's clear what's going on here from my opinion. She is definitely hurt that you have asked for a break and she might even feel rejected. This is a normal reaction when we hear something like this. She definitely values the friendship and it looks like a bad reaction because she is hurt.

 

Maybe you could send her a message saying that you do still care about the relationship and don't want it to end, but you really just need some time to get your head straight. Maybe you can promise that you'll explain it all properly when you feel ready? This might make her feel better :)

 

- Monsoon

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I'll try, but it's really hard to know what to say. I have no idea what to say. I feel like if I talk to her anymore, I'll nudge it the wrong way and end the relationship. Much less I dont know when to say it. Everyday passes and I'm not sure when I should say it.

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Hey :). Why don't you try writing down the main points you want to talk to her about? Once you've got them, you can then figure out in detail what you want to say exactly. I think this might be a good way to get started.

 

Also, I know what you mean about the timing... I guess the ideal time is when you have both calmed down so you can have a conversation that doesn't turn into an argument. I would deffo send her a message just to let her know you're still trying to get through things in your own head and that you do want to go back to normal soon :)

Edited by Monsoon

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Hey, thanks for the advice, I will deffo keep in touch with you for any further updates. I'm not sure how long this break is going to go on for, but I think I should talk with her next week. I will try and plan what to say and tell you her response.

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So she responded and I'm extremely mad. I know for certain this friendship I think Is over.

 

Her:Look....... I have talked to people and I have made my decision....... Let's remain classmates for now..... We can keep each other's number and everything but let's keep it about school..... Maybe once we r older we can become friends again..... But for now let's be classmates alright? We can make small talk over the summer but let's keep our distance.... No more zoom or calls..... And texting is for discussing school and if we need help........ once I am ready we can have a friendship again...... Let's start with just school... Then gradually we can start talking about more general stuff and maybe by highschool we will click again but in a very short time (literally a couple months) of us being friends u dragged me through a lot.... U telling me u liked me....... Ur phone "accidentally" blocked me....... U telling me u had cancer and u were going to die.......And then u needing a break from me...... I hope u understand that I'm trying to make this work........ This is a warning: If I am dragged through more drama in a short period of time...... This friendship is over. Got it? Ok well these r the first steps to a new friendship alright?

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My heart feels broken. Not only has she rejected me because I liked her, she doesn't even consider us as friends. I dont know how much more of this I can take. My heart has been broken repeatedly because of her because I care about her. What do I do? We are still going to the same school so I'm not sure what to do.

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Hey there. Sorry to hear that you feel so down about this. It's really clear how much this friendship means to you and I can see why you feel so low about it. I know that this isn't what you wanted to hear from her, but I think at this point, you really have to just accept and respect her boundaries. I think if you tried more right now, you could end up pushing her away for good.

 

The best thing to do right now is to just give her space. I don't think the friendship is over as she has said maybe you can click again one day, but she just doesn't feel ready right now. I know this isn't the news you wanted from her, but she has been really clear about what she wants right now.

 

Is there anything you can do to take your mind off it? Maybe you can reach out to other friends to help get you through this?

 

We hope you're alright. Let us know how you're doing. Hang in there.

 

- Monsoon

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The bad thing is.. I have really no friends left. I was in girl scouts and I had a group. Eventually, two of my friends turned mean and self centered. My two other friends, one of them my ex bff McKenna, eventually became selfish and went behind my back. Then my other friend, who used to be so innocent, began cursing and acted like "oh yea I'm gay," but she really wasnt. She was the last nice friend I had, and I dont even see her that much. Now my bff, who has texted me that it was kind of over. I'll respect her space, but that doesnt mean I'll fall into a dark place again. All my friends were wiped, now my only friend left to hang on to, was gone. And I told her that if she left me, I'd go dark. And she said "dont worry, I'll help you." Now I have no one to confide in with my troubles. I have my cousin. Who I speak about this the most to. I need to be an influence to those around me, so I am suffering inside while wearing a mask to cover it all up. I am hurting inside. My heart has been broken repeatedly, and I dont know if I can fix it anymore.

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I really want to respond with something like

 

" I respect your decision. If we are to be addressed as classmates, please tell me what to call you since I cannot call you by your nickname."

 

I feel like this is a appropiate response. What do you think?

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Hey, thanks for replying :)

 

I am sorry to hear that you've had so much trouble with friends in the past. That must have been really hard for you, especially now that you need a friend more than ever. It's so great that you've got your cousin. I can tell you really care about her :). I wonder, can you reach out to the old friend who began cursing? I think that you could probably look past it, especially if you liked them. How does that sound?

 

Hmmmm, about sending a message back to your friend... I think a better reply would be to just acknowledge what she wants and respect that. You could also say something about how you hope one day you can be friends again?

 

Also, I know that right now, you feel like your heart is broken beyond repair, but I really do think you'll start to feel better soon. It's perfectly normal to have this kind of reaction when you temporarily lose a friend. Time is the best healer of things like this. It will get better :) just hang in there. I think it will be a really good idea for you to talk about your feelings where you can as this might help you to feel a bit better. How about with your cousin? Also, maybe you could write a letter talking about your feelings to your friend but then rip it up? A lot of people do things like this and it helps them to manage their feelings.

 

Let me know what you think of all this. Stay strong and I'll speak to you soon :)

 

-Monsoon

Edited by Monsoon

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