This is really long but I need to get it out

[dancer19]

I think about death a lot. My own death and death of my loved ones. Death can just be so abrupt no warning no nothing. I started to think about this when my grandma passed away last march. It was her time to go so I'm not really stuck on the questioning of why it happened but my mom is still really sad. I have a habit of putting myself in others' shoes to try to help them cope with things and right now it's a real curse. I can't help but imagine what it would be like to lose my own mom and it makes me so sad and then I think about the fact that that is how my mom feels all the time which just breaks my heart. I've started to think about death even more since my Dad's dad was diagnosed with leukemia early this year. I don't think I really know how to process anything. I can't talk to my mom because I don't want to make her sad or worried and I don't want to talk to my dad because it's happening to him more than it's happening to me.

 

I'm also trying to figure out who I am sexuality wise which is really challenging. I don't want to reach out to anybody because I'm so scared it's going to change my relationship with that person. I've reached out on here and I've read articles but most things I've read say I'll figure things out through experience but I don't know how to have any experiences. I've never dated anyone and I don't really crush on people nowadays so I don't even know where to begin. I'm also pushing this aside because I don't have any time for that stuff but I need to start looking forward to something and it used to be husband and kids one day but I don't even know if I want that anymore.

 

I just don't have much to look forward to anymore. I used to be so good at this. I guess I could look forward to graduating this year but then I have to leave my friends and high school really isn't that bad and I don't even know what school I'm going to which is just a whole different stressor.

 

I was injured last year and the treatment for one part of my foot hurt another part of my foot. I really look forward to the day I can dance again with no pain but I don't know if that day will ever come. Which is terrible because that's the career path I want to follow.

 

Now this makes me seem like a downer but I am a really hopeful person! I do believe that one day I will be happy I just need help getting there.

 

If you read all of this you are a trooper. I really appreciate you taking all this time. I'm sorry if any of this made your upset I just needed somewhere to put all of this. Thank you.

[Willow]

Hi Dancer19,

 

I'm so thankful that you got to share this with us. What you're going through isn't always talked about... but we need to be able to talk about death, dying, and grief if we're going to learn how to live with it.

 

I appreciate your long post... and here comes my long reply!

 

You're so right in that loss/death can be abrupt.. that's one type of death-- then there's the kind where it's drawn out and there's more opportunities for grieving and closure while the person is still alive. Both still hurt, though-- there's no doubt.

 

I can imagine that your parents want to protect you. That's one thing on their minds... and they're doing this while trying to work through their own grief. Grief comes with any kind of loss-- graduating and starting at new schools, and your pain and treatments on your foot are losses you're working through! Things will never be exactly how they were, before... so it's letting go of that past life, and transitioning into the new one (that may or may not have things you love in it, like before).

 

Grief is going to be part of you for the rest of your life journey. Your mother's loss is a heavy impact-- and no matter what happens with your father's health, there is going to be a shift in the lifestyle, you all as a family, lead.

 

Have you, and/or your family, considered receiving grief therapy? There's individual, family, and group grief therapy options-- I know, for me, attending individual and group grief therapy was crucial for my working through and moving forward in grief (I lost my mother, suddenly, and my sister's death was a bit longer of a process- a year apart from each other). >> Even a counselor at school might help you through these transitions. It's perfectly okay to be where you're at, and considering all of these things that are causing you pain and stress.. but I see you know that it's time to choose things that will set you up for success.

 

Talking about death doesn't have to be this scary thing. I can imagine you want to think positively around your father's diagnosis-- but it's unrealistic to think that you'll never consider the possibility of his death. The processing you're doing around death and his diagnosis is just a different experience than your dad's-- it's still incredibly valid.

 

Even if you opened up the conversation with your dad by starting by talking about his feelings during this part in his life. I think it could be a beautiful. It's a new chapter in your relationship to him.

 

You mention being empathetic... consider: What kind of changes would you want to make to your own life if you had such a diagnosis? For me, I know I would want to really develop my relationships with the people I love. (And travel) <<This is something you can ask your dad, too! As a family you could brainstorm how your lives could change to bring more joy.

 

As for you mom-- showing her empathy is crucial for you to show her compassion-- but maybe you could, as well, show her that you're willing to be a supportive person during this process... and that she's safe to talk to you about the grief she's working through-- and safe to ask you for help. I know that when I was mourning I didn't want to burden people with trying to articulate what I was going through-- there were very few people my age who had experienced death-- but if people had experienced that loss, or if they showed real interest in listening to my grief process, it was really helpful.

 

Help your mom know that where she's at on her grief journey is okay-- and that you support her in getting help to feel better.

 

How does all this feel?

 

-willow