Helping a suicidal friend

[ChaiLatte137]

One of my closest friends (I'll call them V, they/he pronouns) hasn't been doing great recently, and I'm struggling with how to help.

I've known them since about November, and we bonded fast and hard.  We're very similar in our life experiences, personalities, and looks, and it's a running joke because our coworkers call us by each other's names by accident.  They're one of the only friends that I've ever gotten this close with, and I care for them so much.  They showed up to work on March 10th and admitted that they'd attempted suicide at 4 am that morning, and it didn't work.  I ended up taking them home with me for a week (their home environment is awful and I knew that going back to spend most of their time alone or being yelled at wouldn't be good for them at that time).  I helped bandage the self-harm scars, but they weren't too deep so I wasn't worried.  We had two concerts that week that we had scheduled when we first met, and they still wanted to go, so we did.  They told me afterward that it was the best week of their life.  

Fast forward to last night, they called me at 1:30 am.  I always tell them they can call me whenever, so I picked up and asked if everything was okay.  They'd reached out because they came to in their room with the worst self-harm scar they'd ever done.  From how they described how it happened, I'm assuming disassociative amnesia (I've been diagnosed with it by a therapist and their experience was exactly like mine) but it's just a hunch and not an official diagnosis.  It was bad to the point of seeing layers of fat so I insisted on taking them to the ER. We didn't want their grandma to take them as she would force the issue of inpatient treatment, and V, my therapist, and I all agreed that our local mental institutions are very bad and have a track record of making things worse.  So I ended up going to their house at 2 am to take them to the ER.  All the nurses agreed that it was bad, and it ended up needing 7 stitches.  

Anyway, long rant of me getting this out aside, I don't know how to help.  I'm freshly 18, don't have my driver's license yet, and am terrible at confronting my own difficult emotions, much less theirs.  They keep apologizing, and I can't seem to get it through that it's okay.  I'm also going to talk to my therapist on Tuesday, but I just feel so powerless.  I just want to know what to say and do to help.  I'm helping them find a new therapist they like, and I've told them they can call me whenever, but I don't know what else to do.  I'm really tired and I feel like I'm floundering, throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks and helps.  Any tips or anything on how I can be better at comforting and helping them?

[Aurora]

5 hours ago, ChaiLatte137 said:

One of my closest friends (I'll call them V, they/he pronouns) hasn't been doing great recently, and I'm struggling with how to help.

I've known them since about November, and we bonded fast and hard.  We're very similar in our life experiences, personalities, and looks, and it's a running joke because our coworkers call us by each other's names by accident.  They're one of the only friends that I've ever gotten this close with, and I care for them so much.  They showed up to work on March 10th and admitted that they'd attempted suicide at 4 am that morning, and it didn't work.  I ended up taking them home with me for a week (their home environment is awful and I knew that going back to spend most of their time alone or being yelled at wouldn't be good for them at that time).  I helped bandage the self-harm scars, but they weren't too deep so I wasn't worried.  We had two concerts that week that we had scheduled when we first met, and they still wanted to go, so we did.  They told me afterward that it was the best week of their life.  

Fast forward to last night, they called me at 1:30 am.  I always tell them they can call me whenever, so I picked up and asked if everything was okay.  They'd reached out because they came to in their room with the worst self-harm scar they'd ever done.  From how they described how it happened, I'm assuming disassociative amnesia (I've been diagnosed with it by a therapist and their experience was exactly like mine) but it's just a hunch and not an official diagnosis.  It was bad to the point of seeing layers of fat so I insisted on taking them to the ER. We didn't want their grandma to take them as she would force the issue of inpatient treatment, and V, my therapist, and I all agreed that our local mental institutions are very bad and have a track record of making things worse.  So I ended up going to their house at 2 am to take them to the ER.  All the nurses agreed that it was bad, and it ended up needing 7 stitches.  

Anyway, long rant of me getting this out aside, I don't know how to help.  I'm freshly 18, don't have my driver's license yet, and am terrible at confronting my own difficult emotions, much less theirs.  They keep apologizing, and I can't seem to get it through that it's okay.  I'm also going to talk to my therapist on Tuesday, but I just feel so powerless.  I just want to know what to say and do to help.  I'm helping them find a new therapist they like, and I've told them they can call me whenever, but I don't know what else to do.  I'm really tired and I feel like I'm floundering, throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks and helps.  Any tips or anything on how I can be better at comforting and helping them?

Hi @ChaiLatte137, it's nice to hear from you again  Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing this with us. You are being great, supportive friend and I would imagine this is probably really tough on you as well. It's a lot for you to take on and I just wanted to check in with you and see how you have been coping with everything that has been going on? I think it's a good idea that you will be talking to your therapist about this as well. 

From everything you've been telling me, I get the impression that your friend needs some additional support at the moment to make sure that she is safe. Would you agree? Is it OK if I ask you a few more questions? This is so I can get a better understand of the situation and see if there is any additional support that might be available to your friend.

First of all, can I ask what the nurses at the hospital said? Did they suggest any support services that your friend can reach out to? It sounds like your friend lives with her grandma. Is that right? Does her grandma know, what's been going on?  Also, does your friend have any other adults around her, who she can talk to and who can make sure that she is safe? You mentioned that you are helping your friend find a new therapist they like. That's a really good idea.  Are they currently seeing a therapist, who they don't like? 

Another thing you can do is make sure that your friend has numbers she can call or text, when she feels like she is in crisis. There are special crisis support services, who she can talk to. If you like I can give you some contact details. Can I check, is your friend based in the US and if so whereabout (I don't need specific details, just what State would be helpful)? 

Again, thank you for reaching out and for being such a great friend . I'm sure your friend really appreciates knowing that there is someone if her life who really cares about her. And please know that we are here for you - you are not alone with the worries you have for your friend.