I don’t know what’s wrong with me

[Monique]

Hi again, I haven’t been here in a while

So last year I felt like I was on a roll..getting scholarships, awards, leadership positions, good grades, a good job everything was amazing!

This year on the other hand I got rejected by 10 volunteer positions, 3 awards, didn’t find a job that I wanted, have no leadership positions and a mess academically

Right now I find my self yelling at my mum because she tried to talk to me and I was just so anxious about a test that I had tomorrow that I yelled. I feel like a terrible child, she just wanted to know about my day and I yelled at her. I feel like a terrible student, I have no clue what is going on in my classes and my grades are really terrible. I feel like a terrible person everyday I go to bed wishing I didn’t have to wake up or I get hit by a car. 
 

Yet I cannot talk to anyone about this because I don’t want them to feel burdened by my struggles.

My mental health was never good but I feel it declining everyday and dragging my self esteem and confidence along with it. I’m not as confident as I used to be. I feel uncomfortable in my skin like I should claw myself out. I hate how I look, I hate my body and size, I feel disgusting but I just can’t make myself do anything. I just don’t know what to do. 
 

losing an award after I got convinced that I would receive it and then it got given to someone that wasn’t as qualified as I was last week was my last straw. I feel numb like I have failed in life, I’m failing in life and I have nothing and no one to cling unto 

 

I feel like I’m losing my mind I really don’t know what yo do. I’m just crying and sad cause I don’t know what to do and I just want to be okay.

[Catsup]

10 hours ago, Monique said:

Hi again, I haven’t been here in a while

So last year I felt like I was on a roll..getting scholarships, awards, leadership positions, good grades, a good job everything was amazing!

This year on the other hand I got rejected by 10 volunteer positions, 3 awards, didn’t find a job that I wanted, have no leadership positions and a mess academically

Right now I find my self yelling at my mum because she tried to talk to me and I was just so anxious about a test that I had tomorrow that I yelled. I feel like a terrible child, she just wanted to know about my day and I yelled at her. I feel like a terrible student, I have no clue what is going on in my classes and my grades are really terrible. I feel like a terrible person everyday I go to bed wishing I didn’t have to wake up or I get hit by a car. 
 

Yet I cannot talk to anyone about this because I don’t want them to feel burdened by my struggles.

My mental health was never good but I feel it declining everyday and dragging my self esteem and confidence along with it. I’m not as confident as I used to be. I feel uncomfortable in my skin like I should claw myself out. I hate how I look, I hate my body and size, I feel disgusting but I just can’t make myself do anything. I just don’t know what to do. 
 

losing an award after I got convinced that I would receive it and then it got given to someone that wasn’t as qualified as I was last week was my last straw. I feel numb like I have failed in life, I’m failing in life and I have nothing and no one to cling unto 

I feel like I’m losing my mind I really don’t know what yo do. I’m just crying and sad cause I don’t know what to do and I just want to be okay.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with things right now. It sounds like you might be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to achieve the things you were doing before.  What do you think changed in the past year that is affecting your performance?

Mental health can really affect everything in our lives, and it's important to have support.  I understand you don't want to burden people, but opening up to someone can be really helpful since they can have a perspective about you that can really be helpful..  Would your mom be a good person to talk to, maybe so you can also explain why you yelled with all the stress going on?

I want to also pass on some crisis resources in case the feelings of not wanting to be here get really intense:

- (UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)
- (USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988  (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) 
- A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.org   
- There’s an app I can recommend called https://prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ - it has safety plans to make sure you don’t harm yourself and you might find it helpful.
- You can also call the police if you feel at risk.

Are you feeling safe right now?  Hope to hear from you soon, and know you're not alone.