Short piece of unfinished work. Tell me what you think so far.

[Xwisdom]

 

Rodger, found himself staring at the stars quite often, wondering exactly how he had ended up here. 

Life all of a sudden seemed a blur, almost as if life happened in a mere moment in the grand expanse of things. All Rodger could remember of the past ten or so years of his life was studying to be archaeologist and joining a group. 

A group which he had led on this seemingly pointless trip.  

 

He watched as the sun rose. He felt a tap on his shoulder, then he heard a sweet, small voice.  He turned around to face the voice. Amy a petite brunette girl with ocean blue eyes stood there looking perplexed, “are you okay?” She asked with notes of concern in her voice. “I was just pondering, how my life had come to this point.” Rodger responded in his gruff low voice. 

 

[Luie]

15 hours ago, Xwisdom said:

Rodger, found himself staring at the stars quite often, wondering exactly how he had ended up here. 

Life all of a sudden seemed a blur, almost as if life happened in a mere moment in the grand expanse of things. All Rodger could remember of the past ten or so years of his life was studying to be archaeologist and joining a group. 

A group which he had led on this seemingly pointless trip.  

He watched as the sun rose. He felt a tap on his shoulder, then he heard a sweet, small voice.  He turned around to face the voice. Amy a petite brunette girl with ocean blue eyes stood there looking perplexed, “are you okay?” She asked with notes of concern in her voice. “I was just pondering, how my life had come to this point.” Rodger responded in his gruff low voice. 

Heyy @Xwisdom, Your narrative has the beginnings of an interesting story with potential for deep introspection and character development. You've introduced the idea of Rodger staring at the stars and watching the sun rise, which is a great way to evoke a sense of atmosphere. Consider describing the sensations he experiences more vividly. How does the night air feel on his skin? Is there a scent of the outdoors or a gentle breeze rustling the leaves? Engaging the senses can make the scene more immersive for the reader. Also, You've introduced Amy, which is an excellent opportunity to develop both her character and Rodger's. Show more of their interactions and how they contrast or complement each other. What does Amy think about Rodger's pondering? Does she have her own perspective on life? Use dialogue and actions to reveal their personalities and create a connection between them. 

I was thinking that when Rodger reflects on how his life led him to this point, perhaps dive deeper into his thoughts and emotions. Explore his regrets, aspirations, and the decisions that brought him here. This introspection can be a powerful way to engage readers and make them empathize with Rodger's journey. Lastly, consider ending this passage with a compelling question or revelation that entices readers to continue. It could be related to Rodger's pondering or something unexpected that happens with Amy. A strong hook can make readers eager to find out what happens next.

Hope this feedback is helpful for you 

[Xwisdom]

1 hour ago, Luie said:

Heyy @Xwisdom, Your narrative has the beginnings of an interesting story with potential for deep introspection and character development. You've introduced the idea of Rodger staring at the stars and watching the sun rise, which is a great way to evoke a sense of atmosphere. Consider describing the sensations he experiences more vividly. How does the night air feel on his skin? Is there a scent of the outdoors or a gentle breeze rustling the leaves? Engaging the senses can make the scene more immersive for the reader. Also, You've introduced Amy, which is an excellent opportunity to develop both her character and Rodger's. Show more of their interactions and how they contrast or complement each other. What does Amy think about Rodger's pondering? Does she have her own perspective on life? Use dialogue and actions to reveal their personalities and create a connection between them. 

I was thinking that when Rodger reflects on how his life led him to this point, perhaps dive deeper into his thoughts and emotions. Explore his regrets, aspirations, and the decisions that brought him here. This introspection can be a powerful way to engage readers and make them empathize with Rodger's journey. Lastly, consider ending this passage with a compelling question or revelation that entices readers to continue. It could be related to Rodger's pondering or something unexpected that happens with Amy. A strong hook can make readers eager to find out what happens next.

Hope this feedback is helpful for you 

I added some more based on your advice. 

Again it's unfinished  but this it what it looks like now. 

Rodger, found himself staring at the stars quite often, wondering exactly how he had ended up here. 

Life all of a sudden seemed a blur, almost as if life happened in a mere moment in the grand expanse of things. All Rodger could remember of the past ten or so years of his life was studying to be a archaeologist and joining a group. 

A group which he had led on this seemingly pointless trip.  

 

He watched as the sun rose and stood silently as the campfire crackled and the morning breeze nipped at his weathered and aged cheeks. He felt a tap on his shoulder, then he heard a sweet, small voice.  He turned around to face the voice. Amy a petite brunette girl with ocean blue eyes stood there looking perplexed, “are you okay?” She asked with notes of concern in her voice. “I was just pondering, how my life had come to this point.” Rodger responded in his gruff low voice. He pictured the years of hard work and exams in a flash and wondered if it had been worth it. “It’s okay to ponder boss. Just remember to not spend all your time looking backwards.” Amy said chipperly. Rodger having experienced much more than Amy, had developed a cynical view on life. He took one last look out at the rising sky as it put on its morning performance and turned to face Amy again. “Are the others up yet? We need to get a move on, if we are to meet our goal by the deadline.” 

“I am not sure, I’ll check.” Responded Amy. 

As the crew gathered their things, Rodger couldn’t escape the feeling that he’d been deceived and there was no tressure. He’d risked so much for this treasure was it a mere hoax? Had he waisted his time? 

 

“I know where raven's chest is hidden.” Rodgers ears pricked up. “Sure, you do old man.” 

“I do it’s on Rutdosa Bluff” the old man said defensively. “ The other man rolled his eyes and walked away. 

“Sorry, did you say the raven’s chest!” Rodger asked excitedly. “That I did child but be warned Rutdosas Bluff takes no pity on the greedy, only one pure of heart can tame the beast.” 

“Did you say beast?” Rodger said but the old man was gone.  

 

“Rodger, we can’t keep throwing away resources and money away on your crazy treasure dreams.” Steven said. 

Steven was 6ft dark haired and slim. “But boss this is the raven’s chest, this is the big one.” 

“Our cooperate sponsors are getting very concerned Rodger.” “Steven haven’t I proven myself enough to you have worked here for 25 years, I am always on time and always do everything asked of me.” Steven thought about it for a while “Fine you have a month, but if you are not back once that month is up, you’re fired.” “I won’t let you down boss.” 

 

“Boss!” “Boss! “wake up boss.” Rodger felt a firm slap to the face and his eyes shot open. 

“Boss, you were passed out boss.” Said Zinoviy an inexperienced archaeologist who joined the crew on the last day. But who was chosen because of his first aid skills. “Did you slap me, Zinoviy” 

“ You were out cold boss.” “Right, well, thank you but don’t do it again.” Rodger said, rubbing his left cheek. 

 

[Luie]

17 hours ago, Xwisdom said:

I added some more based on your advice. 

Again it's unfinished  but this it what it looks like now. 

Rodger, found himself staring at the stars quite often, wondering exactly how he had ended up here. 

Life all of a sudden seemed a blur, almost as if life happened in a mere moment in the grand expanse of things. All Rodger could remember of the past ten or so years of his life was studying to be a archaeologist and joining a group. 

A group which he had led on this seemingly pointless trip.  

 

He watched as the sun rose and stood silently as the campfire crackled and the morning breeze nipped at his weathered and aged cheeks. He felt a tap on his shoulder, then he heard a sweet, small voice.  He turned around to face the voice. Amy a petite brunette girl with ocean blue eyes stood there looking perplexed, “are you okay?” She asked with notes of concern in her voice. “I was just pondering, how my life had come to this point.” Rodger responded in his gruff low voice. He pictured the years of hard work and exams in a flash and wondered if it had been worth it. “It’s okay to ponder boss. Just remember to not spend all your time looking backwards.” Amy said chipperly. Rodger having experienced much more than Amy, had developed a cynical view on life. He took one last look out at the rising sky as it put on its morning performance and turned to face Amy again. “Are the others up yet? We need to get a move on, if we are to meet our goal by the deadline.” 

“I am not sure, I’ll check.” Responded Amy. 

As the crew gathered their things, Rodger couldn’t escape the feeling that he’d been deceived and there was no tressure. He’d risked so much for this treasure was it a mere hoax? Had he waisted his time? 

 

“I know where raven's chest is hidden.” Rodgers ears pricked up. “Sure, you do old man.” 

“I do it’s on Rutdosa Bluff” the old man said defensively. “ The other man rolled his eyes and walked away. 

“Sorry, did you say the raven’s chest!” Rodger asked excitedly. “That I did child but be warned Rutdosas Bluff takes no pity on the greedy, only one pure of heart can tame the beast.” 

“Did you say beast?” Rodger said but the old man was gone.  

 

“Rodger, we can’t keep throwing away resources and money away on your crazy treasure dreams.” Steven said. 

Steven was 6ft dark haired and slim. “But boss this is the raven’s chest, this is the big one.” 

“Our cooperate sponsors are getting very concerned Rodger.” “Steven haven’t I proven myself enough to you have worked here for 25 years, I am always on time and always do everything asked of me.” Steven thought about it for a while “Fine you have a month, but if you are not back once that month is up, you’re fired.” “I won’t let you down boss.” 

 

“Boss!” “Boss! “wake up boss.” Rodger felt a firm slap to the face and his eyes shot open. 

“Boss, you were passed out boss.” Said Zinoviy an inexperienced archaeologist who joined the crew on the last day. But who was chosen because of his first aid skills. “Did you slap me, Zinoviy” 

“ You were out cold boss.” “Right, well, thank you but don’t do it again.” Rodger said, rubbing his left cheek. 

Heyy @Xwisdom, You've created a captivating scene with vivid descriptions that drew me into the narrative. Your ability to paint pictures with words is truly impressive. I could clearly visualize the campfire crackling and feel the morning breeze on my skin as I read your words. You have a great sense of atmosphere and mood in your writing, but in a few places, the pacing could be improved. For instance, when the old man mentions the raven's chest and Rutdosa Bluff, it feels a bit rushed. Take your time to build anticipation and curiosity. I love the dynamic between Rodger and Amy, perhaps consider giving more depth to your characters. Like what drives Rodger's obsession with treasure hunting? What motivates Amy? Adding some backstory or inner thoughts can make your characters even more relatable and interesting. Does this sound okay to you?

[Xwisdom]

On 9/24/2023 at 8:59 AM, Luie said:

Heyy @Xwisdom, You've created a captivating scene with vivid descriptions that drew me into the narrative. Your ability to paint pictures with words is truly impressive. I could clearly visualize the campfire crackling and feel the morning breeze on my skin as I read your words. You have a great sense of atmosphere and mood in your writing, but in a few places, the pacing could be improved. For instance, when the old man mentions the raven's chest and Rutdosa Bluff, it feels a bit rushed. Take your time to build anticipation and curiosity. I love the dynamic between Rodger and Amy, perhaps consider giving more depth to your characters. Like what drives Rodger's obsession with treasure hunting? What motivates Amy? Adding some backstory or inner thoughts can make your characters even more relatable and interesting. Does this sound okay to you?

I am thinking of expanding on Amy's character later in the story. I kind of have a love hate relationship with the story. My laptop that I usually use essay stuff and relaxing is experiencing some issues. So it's probably going to be a while before i work on it again. But, anyway here's what I have now. I might change the names of Rodger, Amy and Steven although I haven't decide yet.

 

 

Rodger, found himself staring at the stars quite often, wondering exactly how he had ended up here. 

Life all of a sudden seemed a blur, almost as if life happened in a mere moment in the grand expanse of things. All Rodger could remember of the past ten or, so years of his life was studying to be an archaeologist and joining a group. 

A group which he had led on this seemingly pointless trip.  

 

He watched as the sun rose and stood silently as the campfire crackled and the morning breeze nipped at his weathered and aged cheeks. He felt a tap on his shoulder, then he heard a sweet, small voice.  He turned around to face the voice. Amy a petite brunette girl with ocean blue eyes stood there looking perplexed, “are you okay?” She asked with notes of concern in her voice. “I was just pondering, how my life had come to this point.” Rodger responded in his gruff low voice. He pictured the years of hard work and exams in a flash and wondered if it had been worth it. “It’s okay to ponder boss. Just remember to not spend all your time looking backwards.” Amy said chipperly. Rodger having experienced much more than Amy, had developed a cynical view on life. He took one last look out at the rising sky as it put on its morning performance and turned to face Amy again. “Are the others up yet? We need to get a move on, if we are to meet our goal by the deadline.” 

“I am not sure, I’ll check.” Responded Amy. 

As the crew gathered their things, Rodger couldn’t escape the feeling that he’d been deceived and there was no tressure. He’d risked so much for this treasure was it a mere hoax? Had he waisted his time? 

 

“I know where raven's chest is hidden.” My ears pricked up. “Sure, you do old man.” 

“I do it’s on Rutdosa Bluff” the old man said defensively. “The other man rolled his eyes and walked away. 

“Sorry, did you say the raven’s chest!” I asked excitedly.  “That I did child but be warned, Rutdosas Bluff takes no pity on the greedy, only one pure of heart can tame the beast.” “Be warned your heart must be in it, to take on this quest when you have no skill is a death sentence” As the old man rambled on, I zoned out thinking about the glory the money the infamy.  “I zoned back in with a sudden realisation. 

“Did you say beast?” I said but the old man was gone.  

 

“Rodger, we can’t keep throwing away resources and money away on your crazy treasure dreams.” Steven said. 

Steven was 6ft dark haired and slim. “But boss this is the raven’s chest, this is the big one.” 

“Our cooperate sponsors are getting very concerned Rodger.” “Steven, haven’t I proven myself enough to you have worked here for 25 years, I am always on time and always do everything asked of me.” Steven thought about it for a while “Fine you have a month, but if you are not back once that month is up, you’re fired.”  “I won’t let you down boss.” 

 

“Boss!” “Boss! “Wake up boss.” Rodger felt a firm slap to the face and his eyes shot open. 

“Boss, you were passed out boss.” Said Zinoviy an inexperienced archaeologist who joined the crew on the last day. But who was chosen because of his first aid skills. “Did you slap me, Zinoviy” 

“You were out cold boss.” “Right, well, thank you but don’t do it again.” Rodger said, rubbing his left cheek. 

The sound of thunder echoed all around. 

Sekhmet brought out her anemometer, “oh no.” Rodger turned to face her. “It’s never good when you say that.” He watched as concern rippled through her olive toned skin. “We need to get to safety now!’ Sekhmet said in a panic.  

The group ran as fast as they could, but it was too late, the storm bellowed down on them as they tried to grasp for anything to grip on to. They pushed forward with all their might to get through the storm