The Coyotea’s Den

[Duckie]

19 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

Mhm and adhd definitely does not help with this- (YAYY executive dysfunction/sar) 

Actually I’m pretty sure that’s something that people with adhd (and maybe ND people in general) hear a lot “you’re not trying hard enough.”

I don’t know how much my brother got done or what he has so far. I want to switch topics but I don’t know if I’d be able to at this point.

Is your dad aware of what subject you originally chose? If not, you might just have a better chance changing it after all so that you can actually write about something you are interested in. 

It is so unfair to say you're not trying hard enough. You are trying so hard and you had sat for 5 hours researching this! Was you brother told the same thing ie that he wasn't trying hard enough and that it needs to be done next week rather than 2-3 months from now?

[Coyotea]

2 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Is your dad aware of what subject you originally chose? If not, you might just have a better chance changing it after all so that you can actually write about something you are interested in. 

It is so unfair to say you're not trying hard enough. You are trying so hard and you had sat for 5 hours researching this! Was you brother told the same thing ie that he wasn't trying hard enough and that it needs to be done next week rather than 2-3 months from now?

He was told about what I picked, yes.

my brother- not that I know of, he was there when I was told of the “new deadline” but I don’t think he was told he wasn’t trying hard enough.

[Duckie]

7 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

He was told about what I picked, yes.

my brother- not that I know of, he was there when I was told of the “new deadline” but I don’t think he was told he wasn’t trying hard enough.

So your dad basically just decided to give you a hard time by the sounds of it. I'm really sorry he did this to you. How does your brother feel about the new deadline? 

Did you find anything you think you could use from your research?

[Coyotea]

On 10/10/2023 at 4:37 PM, Duckie said:

So your dad basically just decided to give you a hard time by the sounds of it. I'm really sorry he did this to you. How does your brother feel about the new deadline? 

Did you find anything you think you could use from your research?

I’ve been working over time to see if I can find more information and write what I need.

[Coyotea]

I have work tomorrow  I’m tired and I can tell I’ll be even more tired tomorrow. And I have to make an appointment to get my head cut because it’s getting too long. Man I hate phone calls, like- do we have to? Can’t I just text the place-? 

[Coyotea]

 

Like Seasons.

 

Everyone leaves, they always do. That’s the thing with people, like the canopy of a tree up north in the fall. Green turns to vibrant reds, oranges and yellows hanging on just barely to winding brown branches stretching out to the sky.

 

But those colors quickly are snapped away by bitter winter kisses of frost on rough bark, by the howling wind that perhaps even wolves decide to join the chorus. 

 

“By spring new growth has arrived, surely?” I told myself that last year too, as well everyone with stories akin to mine. 

 

By summer, new leaves come and dance with the warm breeze, no wolves sing with it. But with summer comes the season of storms, heavy rains bettering windows and cascading down into the canopy and some fall, many do. 

 

A crack like a whip made from lightning sounds overhead and the warm colors return; red, orange, yellow. 

This time it is hot, and the branch falls. But not before the heat infects the rest of the tree.

 

When the storm ended, the bark was blackened and starting to crumble. Branches bare once more, but this time- new growth will not return.

 

Edited October 14, 2023 by Coyotea

[Luie]

9 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Like Seasons.

Everyone leaves, they always do. That’s the thing with people, like the canopy of a tree up north in the fall. Green turns to vibrant reds, oranges and yellows hanging on just barely to winding brown branches stretching out to the sky.

But those colors quickly are snapped away by bitter winter kisses of frost on rough bark, by the howling wind that perhaps even wolves decide to join the chorus. 

“By spring new growth has arrived, surely?” I told myself that last year too, as well everyone with stories akin to mine. 

By summer, new leaves come and dance with the warm breeze, no wolves sing with it. But with summer comes the season of storms, heavy rains bettering windows and cascading down into the canopy and some fall, many do. 

A crack like a whip made from lightning sounds overhead and the warm colors return; red, orange, yellow. 

This time it is hot, and the branch falls. But not before the heat infects the rest of the tree.

When the storm ended, the bark was blackened and starting to crumble. Branches bare once more, but this time- new growth will not return.

 

I can see the depth of emotions and experiences that you've beautifully expressed in your writing. The analogy of life being like the changing seasons is both poignant and relatable. It's evident that you've been through your share of ups and downs, and your words carry the weight of those experiences. Your words have a way of evoking emotions and connecting with the reader on a profound level. Keep writing and sharing your thoughts; your unique perspective and ability to express it can touch the hearts of many. Your writing is a testament to the human spirit's capacity to endure and thrive, even in the face of life's storms. Thank you for sharing this moving piece @Coyotea!

 

[Coyotea]

My ED has gotten worse, I’ve started purging and I don’t even know why..I just..did? Idk. But I feel so awful for it.

[Luie]

15 hours ago, Coyotea said:

My ED has gotten worse, I’ve started purging and I don’t even know why..I just..did? Idk. But I feel so awful for it.

Heyy @Coyotea, That sounds awful, I am sorry. Did something happen today that perhaps triggered it?

[Coyotea]

1 hour ago, Luie said:

Heyy @Coyotea, That sounds awful, I am sorry. Did something happen today that perhaps triggered it?

I don’t know, I haven’t purged yet today. There have only been two times that I’ve done it but I feel like it’s still an issue.

[Coyotea]

 

Sometimes I hate the dynamic in my irl friend group. One of my friends recently came out and started trying a new name and pronouns. We all are queer and we all supported them ofc. But I feel like I can’t express my own queerness and the things that give me dysphoria or Euphoria because it’s so “been there done that.” Where as the excitement of my friend’s gender journey is still in full swing. I’ve tried to share my own experiences and whatnot, achievements, things that give me dysphoria and basically everything that my friend who recently came out does but on a lower more chill scale. And it’s only ever met with silence or “oh that’s cool. Anyways guys-“ 

Same with the other friends in our group, when they share something or are being openly queer and excited I try to show my support and be equally as excited (even though sometimes I genuinely don’t understand things like when they talk about crushes) and everyone does the same.

but for some reason that doesn’t happen when I’m open about this kind of stuff.

I feel like an asshole for feeling this way and even worse for typing this out but I don’t understand. I feel like such an outsider already because of how obscure my identity is, how many labels, names and pronouns I have/use. I feel like I can’t be me in a space I should be able to, in the only space I’m able to aside from here online.

I feel like I need to limit who I am. Like I have to have a more binary and more definitive answer to who I am and whatnot so that I fit in. So that I’m valid..or something. I don’t know.

This all definitely hasn’t helped my mental health.

 

[Duckie]

15 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Sometimes I hate the dynamic in my irl friend group. One of my friends recently came out and started trying a new name and pronouns. We all are queer and we all supported them ofc. But I feel like I can’t express my own queerness and the things that give me dysphoria or Euphoria because it’s so “been there done that.” Where as the excitement of my friend’s gender journey is still in full swing. I’ve tried to share my own experiences and whatnot, achievements, things that give me dysphoria and basically everything that my friend who recently came out does but on a lower more chill scale. And it’s only ever met with silence or “oh that’s cool. Anyways guys-“ 

Same with the other friends in our group, when they share something or are being openly queer and excited I try to show my support and be equally as excited (even though sometimes I genuinely don’t understand things like when they talk about crushes) and everyone does the same.

but for some reason that doesn’t happen when I’m open about this kind of stuff.

I feel like an asshole for feeling this way and even worse for typing this out but I don’t understand. I feel like such an outsider already because of how obscure my identity is, how many labels, names and pronouns I have/use. I feel like I can’t be me in a space I should be able to, in the only space I’m able to aside from here online.

I feel like I need to limit who I am. Like I have to have a more binary and more definitive answer to who I am and whatnot so that I fit in. So that I’m valid..or something. I don’t know.

This all definitely hasn’t helped my mental health.

Hi @Coyotea,

Love the new profile pic!

It sounds like you aren't being properly validated in your friendship group at the moment. Has this been going on for long? It might be that everyone is still vibing over that your friend just came out and are not paying attention properly. But still, you give them their full attention when they want to talk about stuff.

Do you get to see them often? It might be worth asking gently whether they are listening to you or not and point out that this is really important for you to get the space to talk about. 

[Coyotea]

58 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Coyotea,

Love the new profile pic!

It sounds like you aren't being properly validated in your friendship group at the moment. Has this been going on for long? It might be that everyone is still vibing over that your friend just came out and are not paying attention properly. But still, you give them their full attention when they want to talk about stuff.

Do you get to see them often? It might be worth asking gently whether they are listening to you or not and point out that this is really important for you to get the space to talk about. 

It’s been going on since my friend came out, I don’t know what it is. They do this a lot with other things too. I don’t see them as often as I probably should but we have a group chat.

The thing is I can’t bring it up because then I’d feel like an asshole for doing it and I’d make them feel bad. I don’t want them to feel bad and I don’t want to be an asshole. It’s not really something I can bring up.

I’ve already started to limit my identity around them..yesterday I told them to only call me by two of my names when I really didn’t want to. Idk. I sometimes just hate my identity because it never feels like I’m valid (and no it doesn’t help to hear people tell me that I am valid. Then it just feels like forced validation) or 100% solid in who I am. I hate it. So much.

[Coyotea]

1 hour ago, Duckie said:

Love the new profile pic!

Thank you, I was testing out AI to see what would happen.

[Duckie]

5 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Thank you, I was testing out AI to see what would happen.

I'm getting a proper Draco Malfoy vibe! It suits you :)

5 hours ago, Coyotea said:

It’s been going on since my friend came out, I don’t know what it is. They do this a lot with other things too. I don’t see them as often as I probably should but we have a group chat.

The thing is I can’t bring it up because then I’d feel like an asshole for doing it and I’d make them feel bad. I don’t want them to feel bad and I don’t want to be an asshole. It’s not really something I can bring up.

I’ve already started to limit my identity around them..yesterday I told them to only call me by two of my names when I really didn’t want to. Idk. I sometimes just hate my identity because it never feels like I’m valid (and no it doesn’t help to hear people tell me that I am valid. Then it just feels like forced validation) or 100% solid in who I am. I hate it. So much.

I wonder if your friends are purposely giving more attention to your friend since they came out. They might not realise that they are doing it, so I do understand that you don't want to make a big thing out of it just yet.

I'm thinking a little comment when they are doing it might direct them without feeling to confrontative. I'm thinking it doesn't neccessarily mean you are looking to confront them, but it might help them understand what they're doing once they're doing it. As much as I understand that you don't want to make them feel bad, it might be helpful for you to say a tiny comment about it just to feel like you're standing up for yourself. Do you think this would be possible?

Sorry to hear that you feel like you've had to limit your identity around the lately. And you're totally right that it's not the same thing to hear the words as it is to FEEL valid. Do you find it more helpful telling them more about your identity in the group chat instead? Is there anything in particular you would like to say to them, but feel you don't have enough space to say at the moment?

[Coyotea]

On 10/16/2023 at 2:40 PM, Duckie said:

I'm getting a proper Draco Malfoy vibe! It suits you :)

I wonder if your friends are purposely giving more attention to your friend since they came out. They might not realise that they are doing it, so I do understand that you don't want to make a big thing out of it just yet.

I'm thinking a little comment when they are doing it might direct them without feeling to confrontative. I'm thinking it doesn't neccessarily mean you are looking to confront them, but it might help them understand what they're doing once they're doing it. As much as I understand that you don't want to make them feel bad, it might be helpful for you to say a tiny comment about it just to feel like you're standing up for yourself. Do you think this would be possible?

Sorry to hear that you feel like you've had to limit your identity around the lately. And you're totally right that it's not the same thing to hear the words as it is to FEEL valid. Do you find it more helpful telling them more about your identity in the group chat instead? Is there anything in particular you would like to say to them, but feel you don't have enough space to say at the moment?

I don’t know if it’s on purpose or not. I usually float to the back anyway, forgotten, I’m not really important tbh.

No. Terrible suggestion.

No, it doesn’t help to tell them about my identity, it’s still a fucking “been there done that” and it doesn’t help me feel any better about it either way, if anything it makes me feel 100x worse.

[Duckie]

5 hours ago, Coyotea said:

I don’t know if it’s on purpose or not. I usually float to the back anyway, forgotten, I’m not really important tbh.

No. Terrible suggestion.

No, it doesn’t help to tell them about my identity, it’s still a fucking “been there done that” and it doesn’t help me feel any better about it either way, if anything it makes me feel 100x worse.

Hi Coyotea,

Sorry that sounds really tough. You say it's been like this since a friend of yours came out. I reckon they must have been more supportive before this. Do you think they will find their way back to being more attentive friends? You deserve the space just as much as everyone else.

Is it better speaking to one of them at a time about your identity rather than the whole group?

[Coyotea]

On 10/23/2023 at 2:56 PM, Duckie said:

Hi Coyotea,

Sorry that sounds really tough. You say it's been like this since a friend of yours came out. I reckon they must have been more supportive before this. Do you think they will find their way back to being more attentive friends? You deserve the space just as much as everyone else.

Is it better speaking to one of them at a time about your identity rather than the whole group?

No, I do g see that happening.

And like I said before, no talking about my identity wouldn’t help, it’d make me feel 100x worse to talk about it. Full stop. It’s not about which people I’m talking to it’s the topic in and of itself 

[Duckie]

3 minutes ago, Coyotea said:

No, I do g see that happening.

And like I said before, no talking about my identity wouldn’t help, it’d make me feel 100x worse to talk about it. Full stop. It’s not about which people I’m talking to it’s the topic in and of itself 

That's a shame. I was hoping they would return to their normal patterns and be able to give everyone equal amounts of attention. Maybe you guys could do an activity together for Halloween or something so that you could all do something fun together, yet find your ways back to just hanging out as friends.

Oh I see. Thank you for clarifying this. In that case maybe the subject is best to be avoided until you feel ready. It is OK if you never want to bring it up too. Is there something you feel you would like to tell your friends but feel you can't at the moment?

[Coyotea]

This is gonna be my last update until the 29th so I’m going to make this quick. 
 

Yesterday I had a riding lesson and it went okay, I rode a new horse, Fiona, and we just did flat work. Today I’m going to have a lesson again and we’re doing jumping this time, I’m a bit nervous since I’ve seen that Fiona has a habit of getting really fast after the jump. Just- ugh, anxiety. I haven’t been sleeping well because of it.

I still fucking have so much to do. My dad wants me to fix the damn chicken coop door when I have my own shit I have to do. I have to pack, clean the nest boxes, clean the cat crate, Clean up the rest of my room.

[Coyotea]

Good news though, my costume for my friend’s Halloween party (being held on the 4th of nov since it’s the only day they could invite all of us) should be here by Nov 1st.

And Mouse (my kind of crush & friend) is working on resizing the binder! I give them the measurements and now they’re working on it! They said it should be ready by the day of the party! Which…means I might be able to wear a binder to the party!

[Coyotea]

Also also I got free riding chaps yesterday

[Coyotea]

Okay, I have to go.

I’ll see y’all after the 29th!

[Luie]

Thanks for all the updates @Coyotea, please take care of yourself and am looking forward to hearing from you when you're back! 

[Coyotea]

I’ve returned, er- well I returned on Sunday, but I’ve been busy making sure my friends know I’m not dead and other things.

Uh- so- updatessss…

The trip sucked, I’ll write a whole paragraph about why but for now I’ll keep it short.

today I had a riding lesson and fell, landed on my knee so now it’s fucked up more than usual.