The Coyotea’s Den

[Coyotea]

5 minutes ago, Catsup said:

You can share your vents, but I would recommend doing it on Confidential Support, if that works for you?  (Otherwise we might be moderating it here, and it could result in us hiding some posts).  I'm glad you feel comfortable to share here.

That’s fine.

I’ll post the non graphic ones here. But the ones that get really gruesome I’ll post in CS

[Coyotea]

 

On deaf ears

 

I screamed, I cried, I pounded my fists against the wall, I clashed together pots and pans, I grabbed every bell, every instrument I could.

 

Still no sound was carried to your ears.

 

Do you hear me and choose not to respond? Do you see my pain, and yet are not fazed? Or, do you simply not know? Perhaps it is that I have no voice, or that no sound that I make truly means anything, instead blending in and melding into the hum of life that forms nothing more than a faint ringing in your ears.

 

When your ears ring, think of my bells, of my song.

Think of me when the wind howls against your roof and windows.

 

I wish, at the very least.

 

But wishing was never enough.

 

I am never heard, never seen, never felt.

 

[Coyotea]

 

Would you?

 

he sits on the end of the couch, staring at nothing in particular as he waits for the talking to stop. “You know you can always be yourself, right? I’ll love you no matter what.” she spoke in a tone others might have saw as caring or kind. But he knew.

 

Would you love me if you knew what I was? Who, I am? 

Would you not cast me out if you had known the things I have done?

 

“I know mom.” he lied and gave her a smile as he ignored the urge to shout. 

“God has given you great gifts even if you do not see it yourself, and I know you wouldn’t be so strong, empathetic and beautiful if God wasn’t in you.” his mom continued and he inwardly sighed. 

“I’m proud of you for being so strong in your faith in this day and age. There are so many evil and twisted things going on.” 

 

Evil and twisted, I suppose that’s me. It was how the world saw people like me. Something to be eradicated because we’re different.

 

“You’re such a beautiful girl, I’m so lucky to have you as my daughter” 

 

He did not speak during that talk, and when it was finally over, when he finally was free from that set of chains he went back to the one place he had some kind of peace. 

 

If there is a God, he has forsaken me. He has forsaken me, and my siblings. 

 

 

He watched the others as they talked and played, but he did of join. They did not want him despite kind words exchanged paired with enthusiastic smiles. He glanced to his right, everyone else had friends, everyone else was wanted. Not him. His voice was nails on a chalkboard, his demeanor unsuited for anyone else.

So he stayed quiet. Eventually, when his mind could no longer bear the cycle he went to the only one he knew could fix it. Himself.

 

Shut up, watch, and smile. Until it’s over, as it is ending.

 

He stood in front of the mirror and watched the reflection that stared back. He opened the drawer and took out a small item. Quickly grabbing his other belongings he made it to the car and drove until the forest was the only thing around him. He finally followed through and made peace.

 

[Coyotea]

 

A true lie.

 

“I’ll love you no matter what”

“I want you to be you”

“Don’t force yourself to be someone else” 

But she won’t.

But I can’t.

I have to.

 

Because if you knew me, you would hate me. Cast me into the depths of hell and ridicule me. 

 

Because if you did, the first lie wouldn’t be a lie. Because you want me to be your idea of me. Your vision.

 

I have to because if I didn’t it could mean death and I would be alone. The world is not suited for me.

 

 

Because if you loved me truly, you wouldn’t lie.

 

[Coyotea]

 

Frozen heartbeats

 

Another strangled gasp, another suppressed scream. He clenched his teeth and tugged at his hair, he needed to scream, his heart was missing and the only answer he had was a scream. 

Yet he couldn’t even do that, he had to keep it in. He had to keep everything in.

 

he rocked himself back and forth, the only semblance of comfort he had, if you could even call it that.

 

his head felt cold, his throat was crusted in ice. Frost bit the tip of his nose and twirled in small leafy spirals. His lungs were sharp and every breath stung more than late December. 

 

He pulled himself up, staggered to his shoes and tugged them on. 

 

Walking out of his house, he neglected to close the door, he had to keep going. Keep walking. Keep walking. 

 

Find her. 

 

When his vision cleared he recognized the leaves around him and the branches of each tree. He kept walking, and walking, and walking. He walked as far as he could. 

 

When his legs finally gave up, much like he. He found a tree that had a concave ditch around it, he curled up next to the rough bark that smelled strongly of pine and looked up through the needles. 

 

The only light he had left were the stars above winking down at him.

 

 

He felt a rush of heat wash over himself, and he relished the feeling. 

 

He closed his eyes and accepted it and slipped away.

 

[Duckie]

Wow @Coyotea,

I really love your writing! "Would you?" really struck a chord with me and I think you're incredibly talented. I think you could easily do your own anthology, which I would be excited to read. Would you be interested in pursuing some kind of creative writing?

I really like how you catch a certain mood without explaining too much about the setting. The dialouge speaks for itself! 

[Coyotea]

2 hours ago, Duckie said:

Wow @Coyotea,

I really love your writing! "Would you?" really struck a chord with me and I think you're incredibly talented. I think you could easily do your own anthology, which I would be excited to read. Would you be interested in pursuing some kind of creative writing?

I really like how you catch a certain mood without explaining too much about the setting. The dialouge speaks for itself! 

Thank you!! Yeah, I’ve considered pursuing some kind of creative writing. 
Honestly, it’s shocking how while I write considering I’ve never had a proper class to show me all the different punctuations, grammar and whatnot. I just read…a lot

[Duckie]

20 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Thank you!! Yeah, I’ve considered pursuing some kind of creative writing. 
Honestly, it’s shocking how while I write considering I’ve never had a proper class to show me all the different punctuations, grammar and whatnot. I just read…a lot

You are doing so well, honestly. Not only do you have a very grown-up language, but you are self-taught in actual writing. Which, to be fair, a lot of authors are in some ways, because if you're interested and passionate about something, no one can stop you :)

I think you'd absolutely excel in a creative writing course. You've done a lot of reading, which is a really good thing because knowing what you like means you have a better chance of finding your own voice so to speak. I did creative writing too and for me it was the most character developing time of my life. Taking that time to just focus on writing and being around other aspiring writers both allowed me to go through some things that I kept coming back to, but also made me a better writer. Because it's not all about grammar and punctuation. It's about finding a tone that captures all the feelings that aren't written out, which you're already doing amazingly.

[Coyotea]

 

I ask you if we are friends.

You say yes.

I ask you if you want to talk to me. You say yes.

But why don’t you?

You speak with others so easily, you speak with our crew so easily. Not me.

Never me.

 

Never.

You say you forgot, you say you’re busy. But when you have time you do not try. 

 

That’s okay.

It always happens, everyone, everywhere.

 

You say you love me. 

 

But I feel you look at me with contempt. I feel, that when you speak to me, you wish nothing more than to leave. 

I do not blame you. It is not your fault.

 

I exist purely for your convenience

 

[Luie]

8 hours ago, Coyotea said:

I ask you if we are friends.

You say yes.

I ask you if you want to talk to me. You say yes.

But why don’t you?

You speak with others so easily, you speak with our crew so easily. Not me.

Never me.

Never.

You say you forgot, you say you’re busy. But when you have time you do not try. 

That’s okay.

It always happens, everyone, everywhere.

You say you love me. 

But I feel you look at me with contempt. I feel, that when you speak to me, you wish nothing more than to leave. 

I do not blame you. It is not your fault.

I exist purely for your convenience

I must say @Coyotea your poem is really powerful and beautifully written. The emotions you've expressed in it are deeply felt. May I ask what inspired you to write this poem? It seems to touch on some very personal feelings and experiences, only if you want to share. 

[Coyotea]

7 hours ago, Luie said:

I must say @Coyotea your poem is really powerful and beautifully written. The emotions you've expressed in it are deeply felt. May I ask what inspired you to write this poem? It seems to touch on some very personal feelings and experiences, only if you want to share. 

Someone I know inspired me.

[Luie]

22 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Someone I know inspired me.

That's understandable, I've noticed for myself too that inspiration can often come from our interactions and observations of the people around us. Is there anything in particular about this person or their experiences that stood out to you and motivated you to express your thoughts through your poem? No pressure to share or anything, only if you want 

[Coyotea]

4 hours ago, Luie said:

That's understandable, I've noticed for myself too that inspiration can often come from our interactions and observations of the people around us. Is there anything in particular about this person or their experiences that stood out to you and motivated you to express your thoughts through your poem? No pressure to share or anything, only if you want 

We used to talk more, he used to talk to me more, he used to initiate conversations. But he hasn’t been talking to me much at all, he’s sent a total of maybe 4 messages to me? Which were just in response to something else I had said in a group chat.

He’s in this other group and I can see when he messages there, and he always says “yes I still want to be friends with you” and “I love talking to you” and “I’ve just been busy” like he hasn’t had time to message anyone but he clearly does, just not me.

he doesn’t message me.

And it sucks because I am really codependent and he became one of my constants but now he’s not and so it hurts more than it might for other people.

[Duckie]

14 hours ago, Coyotea said:

We used to talk more, he used to talk to me more, he used to initiate conversations. But he hasn’t been talking to me much at all, he’s sent a total of maybe 4 messages to me? Which were just in response to something else I had said in a group chat.

He’s in this other group and I can see when he messages there, and he always says “yes I still want to be friends with you” and “I love talking to you” and “I’ve just been busy” like he hasn’t had time to message anyone but he clearly does, just not me.

he doesn’t message me.

And it sucks because I am really codependent and he became one of my constants but now he’s not and so it hurts more than it might for other people.

Hi @Coyotea,

Sorry to hear that you feel your friend has been distancing himself from you. It's positive that he is replying and reassuring you that he wants to be friends and that he wants to talk to you, but the change in his behaviour might mean something is up, like you're saying.

Has he ever given details of why he is so busy right now? I am thinking there might be something going on with him and it might be worth checking in to see if he's alright... What do you think? He might have stuff going on that he needs to talk to someone about, but doesn't know how to reach out.

[Coyotea]

2 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Coyotea,

Sorry to hear that you feel your friend has been distancing himself from you. It's positive that he is replying and reassuring you that he wants to be friends and that he wants to talk to you, but the change in his behaviour might mean something is up, like you're saying.

Has he ever given details of why he is so busy right now? I am thinking there might be something going on with him and it might be worth checking in to see if he's alright... What do you think? He might have stuff going on that he needs to talk to someone about, but doesn't know how to reach out.

I’ve asked, usually it’s got to do with school (EMT school to be specific)

[Duckie]

5 hours ago, Coyotea said:

I’ve asked, usually it’s got to do with school (EMT school to be specific)

It's good that you've asked already. Do you think this might be the case or do you think something might be up? School of course can be intense at times, but that would also means that it will settle at some point. Is this a person you also see in real life? If so I am thinking it might be good to meet up to see for yourself if he seems out of sorts. If you are not seeing each other face to face, maybe you could schedule something online. What do you think?

[Coyotea]

2 hours ago, Duckie said:

It's good that you've asked already. Do you think this might be the case or do you think something might be up? School of course can be intense at times, but that would also means that it will settle at some point. Is this a person you also see in real life? If so I am thinking it might be good to meet up to see for yourself if he seems out of sorts. If you are not seeing each other face to face, maybe you could schedule something online. What do you think?

He lives in New Jersey so I can’t meet up with him. And I don’t know what it is or isn’t.

all I know is that it hurts.

[Coyotea]

Tomorrow I have a riding lesson and I’m really nervous about it, I was told to make a course to jump- and I tried but I’m scared about actually doing it. Or that she won’t like it or something. Idk 

Also I don’t like the subject I’m researching for my thesis, it’s not really exciting or interesting and I don’t feel like there is much to say..and my dad wants 5 pages for the paper.

It’s mending broken bones around the 1300s..like- okay? What is there even much to say? They made casts out of egg whites, vinegar, rags, clay powder, some other things I don’t remember- uh

idk, they used plaster? So do we? I guess some of the braces they used for legs were weird lookin but again- I’m not interested in it. And I’m more of an artistic person! I can’t do analytical shit. I like writing creative pieces and poems and whatnot. But idk

im not doing okay but I don’t wanna talk in CS

[Duckie]

12 hours ago, Coyotea said:

He lives in New Jersey so I can’t meet up with him. And I don’t know what it is or isn’t.

all I know is that it hurts.

Hi @Coyotea, sorry to hear that.

It is positive that your friend is responding, even though I understand it must sting to always be the first one to reach out. How long has it been like this for? If he does say he has a lot going on with school, I am thinking this will ease after whatever exams or assignments he has to do. Would you like to ask him when he expects to be less busy? Remember that is OK to tell people you miss speaking to them.

9 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Tomorrow I have a riding lesson and I’m really nervous about it, I was told to make a course to jump- and I tried but I’m scared about actually doing it. Or that she won’t like it or something. Idk 

Also I don’t like the subject I’m researching for my thesis, it’s not really exciting or interesting and I don’t feel like there is much to say..and my dad wants 5 pages for the paper.

It’s mending broken bones around the 1300s..like- okay? What is there even much to say? They made casts out of egg whites, vinegar, rags, clay powder, some other things I don’t remember- uh

idk, they used plaster? So do we? I guess some of the braces they used for legs were weird lookin but again- I’m not interested in it. And I’m more of an artistic person! I can’t do analytical shit. I like writing creative pieces and poems and whatnot. But idk

im not doing okay but I don’t wanna talk in CS

I suspect this might have something to do with the riding teacher not giving you enough instructions, yet seeming disappointed with you when you do things wrong? Have you done a whole course of jumping before or has it been more individual jumps here and there. It does sound like a big step, though. Is this something you can practise prior to the lesson somehow?

Did your dad pick this essay subject? I'm thinking it is not going to be something you enjoy writing about (and 5 pages do sound like a lot), but maybe you can gather what you have so far and sprinkle in some examples from how they did this during wartime for example, and what medical equipment was available... When is it due? It sounds like it's pretty much a plaster, but made with what was available back then... It does sound hard to make it five pages. Maybe you can pull in the marigins and change the font size? I know it's a desperate move, but it could also be a loophole of things like this hasn't been clarified in the task.

Sorry to hear that you're not doing OK. We will of course talk where you are comfortable talking.

[Aurora]

10 hours ago, Coyotea said:

Tomorrow I have a riding lesson and I’m really nervous about it, I was told to make a course to jump- and I tried but I’m scared about actually doing it. Or that she won’t like it or something. Idk 

Also I don’t like the subject I’m researching for my thesis, it’s not really exciting or interesting and I don’t feel like there is much to say..and my dad wants 5 pages for the paper.

It’s mending broken bones around the 1300s..like- okay? What is there even much to say? They made casts out of egg whites, vinegar, rags, clay powder, some other things I don’t remember- uh

idk, they used plaster? So do we? I guess some of the braces they used for legs were weird lookin but again- I’m not interested in it. And I’m more of an artistic person! I can’t do analytical shit. I like writing creative pieces and poems and whatnot. But idk

im not doing okay but I don’t wanna talk in CS

Hi there, thanks for letting us know that you don't want to talk in CS. I have replied to one of your messages there but it is not related to what you wrote here. 

I know @Duckie has already replied but I just had another thought about your thesis. You mentioned that you are more of an artistic person - could you try making your own casts out of the ingredients you mentioned and see if it actual works? Then you could write about that in your thesis. It might add a unique research aspects and might be fun at the same time. Just an idea I had - it might not appeal to you. 

[Coyotea]

2 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Coyotea, sorry to hear that.

It is positive that your friend is responding, even though I understand it must sting to always be the first one to reach out. How long has it been like this for? If he does say he has a lot going on with school, I am thinking this will ease after whatever exams or assignments he has to do. Would you like to ask him when he expects to be less busy? Remember that is OK to tell people you miss speaking to them.

I suspect this might have something to do with the riding teacher not giving you enough instructions, yet seeming disappointed with you when you do things wrong? Have you done a whole course of jumping before or has it been more individual jumps here and there. It does sound like a big step, though. Is this something you can practise prior to the lesson somehow?

Did your dad pick this essay subject? I'm thinking it is not going to be something you enjoy writing about (and 5 pages do sound like a lot), but maybe you can gather what you have so far and sprinkle in some examples from how they did this during wartime for example, and what medical equipment was available... When is it due? It sounds like it's pretty much a plaster, but made with what was available back then... It does sound hard to make it five pages. Maybe you can pull in the marigins and change the font size? I know it's a desperate move, but it could also be a loophole of things like this hasn't been clarified in the task.

Sorry to hear that you're not doing OK. We will of course talk where you are comfortable talking.

It’s been going on for months now, and he even finished EMT school. I have tried reaching out before but eventually I just gave up because nothing ever changed. But I can’t bring up that it hurts that he says that we’re friends, that he cares about me, that he loves talking to me and then never does because his sister is drafted in Israel (I’m sure you’ve heard the situation) He’s going through a lot and I can’t just bring up “I feel like you’re lying about being friends and wanting to talk. And I feel neglected when you don’t.”

It is, but it’s also because I had to design the course. I’ve done a 5 jump course before but I haven’t gotten time to practice this one because I only have lessons on tuesdays and I don’t have my own horse. And I can’t go there any other time during the week to practice it. No, I can’t practice this before the lesson.

My dad gave of the most vague, open ended subject, the subject is just “Write a 5 page essay on something we’ve covered in this class.” 
That’s it! No more direction than that. I don’t enjoy reading and writing about broken bones and how they were healed in the 1300s. But I don’t know what else to write about. My brother picked the cool subject! “How oil paint was made in the renaissance”

[Coyotea]

2 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, thanks for letting us know that you don't want to talk in CS. I have replied to one of your messages there but it is not related to what you wrote here. 

I know @Duckie has already replied but I just had another thought about your thesis. You mentioned that you are more of an artistic person - could you try making your own casts out of the ingredients you mentioned and see if it actual works? Then you could write about that in your thesis. It might add a unique research aspects and might be fun at the same time. Just an idea I had - it might not appeal to you. 

Maybe..I’d have to see what kind of fabric they used and if I’ve got a modern equivalent on hand..

[Coyotea]

You know what I love? What just tickles me pink? WHEN I DO 5+ HOURS OF RESEARCH AND THEN GET TOLD “YOU’RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH” 

MY DAD SAID WE HAD 2-3 MONTHS TO COMPLETE THIS

AND NOW HE’S ASKING FOR IT NEXT WEEK? WHAT THE FUCK

I HATE HIM

FUCKING YEAH EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF MY BROTHER 

he can go step on a rusty nail. 

[Duckie]

1 hour ago, Coyotea said:

You know what I love? What just tickles me pink? WHEN I DO 5+ HOURS OF RESEARCH AND THEN GET TOLD “YOU’RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH” 

MY DAD SAID WE HAD 2-3 MONTHS TO COMPLETE THIS

AND NOW HE’S ASKING FOR IT NEXT WEEK? WHAT THE FUCK

I HATE HIM

FUCKING YEAH EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF MY BROTHER 

he can go step on a rusty nail. 

Hi,

Omg, that is so UNFAIR! What was the point of giving a deadline if he wasn't going to honour it anyway? It sounds like he's just changed it on a whim and isn't seeing all the work you've put into this. That is not going to motivate you, surprisingly...

It's such a shame because I feel like you're brother was able to find a good loophole regarding this essay. Your dad has been super vague about this (5 pages on something we've covered). How can he then expect this gets done way before the deadline... Would you take your brother's advice and write about something you'd find easier to write about?

[Coyotea]

4 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Hi,

Omg, that is so UNFAIR! What was the point of giving a deadline if he wasn't going to honour it anyway? It sounds like he's just changed it on a whim and isn't seeing all the work you've put into this. That is not going to motivate you, surprisingly...

It's such a shame because I feel like you're brother was able to find a good loophole regarding this essay. Your dad has been super vague about this (5 pages on something we've covered). How can he then expect this gets done way before the deadline... Would you take your brother's advice and write about something you'd find easier to write about?

Mhm and adhd definitely does not help with this- (YAYY executive dysfunction/sar) 

Actually I’m pretty sure that’s something that people with adhd (and maybe ND people in general) hear a lot “you’re not trying hard enough.”

I don’t know how much my brother got done or what he has so far. I want to switch topics but I don’t know if I’d be able to at this point.