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Not sure how to feel about this TW f slur


Zach Cant Focus    

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TW F slur (censored)

Theres a TL;DR at the end if you don't want to read this massive block of text

two friends of mine are involved in this story so i'll name them A and B for privacy. A is a genderfluid lesbian (any pronouns) and B is a cishet girl (she/her)

all of this was a couple of months ago but im still slightly pissed at B and want to know if it's justified

My friend group is mostly queer people but there are a couple of straight people (one of which is B). B used to identify as bi/pan and told multiple of my friends she was either bi or pan and now says she's straight and denies she ever identified any differently, or at least she doesn't remember it. multiple friends of mine remember her saying she was nonhet (and myself) and she says she doesnt remember something that was relatively recent and lasted for a decent length of time. its one thing to change labels but the denial of it ever being something is strange. but i carried on with being her friend. we also talked to her about continuing to make jokes about gay people after her identity changed but she was just like "meh"

once i was playing hangman with A (genderfluid lesbian mentioned) and since we were both queer i decided my word for hangman would be the f slur because we were both queer and i know it's not a triggering word for them. we both thought it was pretty funny and moved on.

around a week later we were with the whole group (there were like 4-6 people total, only 2 of which were cishet, including B) and A decides to use the F slur as the word. When B figures it out (she wasn't the first to get it, btw) she just goes "Oh it's f-----". We pointed out that this wasn't really appropriate for a straight person to say, she just points out that it was the word, a very much "it doesn't matter" attitude the whole time.

I understand that she was put in an awkward situation, and it was the word she was meant to guess was the one she said but something about how lightly she said it just sort of annoyed me. it's been like a month but i can't stop thinking about it. we didn't put pressure on her to actually say it and we were just playing for fun, this wasn't like a hangman tournament. it also was the word for the whole group, not specifically for her.

am i wrong to be sort of upset?

TL;DR

Straight friend said the F slur because gay friend made it the word in hangman for the group to guess (mostly gay friend group of 4-6). It's been a month, am I right to still be upset about it?

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Hey there,

Thank you for sharing this with us. I definitely think this is a tricky one because the aim of the game is to guess the word, and really, a offensive slur should not be used in such a game. I think that it may have been helpful for her to have a different attitude in terms of responding to your views afterwards. Also, maybe it would have been more helpful for her to say the 'f word' instead of the actual word itself, because it should not have been said. However, such a word probably shouldn't have been chosen if there were a chance of someone taking offence at someone else saying it out loud; what do you think? This is just a different perspective. Let me know what you think. Regardless, your feelings are valid and important. 

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4 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing this with us. I definitely think this is a tricky one because the aim of the game is to guess the word, and really, a offensive slur should not be used in such a game. I think that it may have been helpful for her to have a different attitude in terms of responding to your views afterwards. Also, maybe it would have been more helpful for her to say the 'f word' instead of the actual word itself, because it should not have been said. However, such a word probably shouldn't have been chosen if there were a chance of someone taking offence at someone else saying it out loud; what do you think? This is just a different perspective. Let me know what you think. Regardless, your feelings are valid and important. 

I wish she wouldn't have said it. It was a loud event with a group of people (4-6) though it wasn't specifically for her to guess, nor did she even have to play, people were leaving and coming back to the table all the time, she wouldn't have even had to have done anything besides stop saying letters. It genuinely seemed like she didn't really understand the impact even after we pointed out that it was not good.

I mean in some way friend A might have set up the issue for even choosing that word but again the word was not specifically meant for B, it was meant for the mostly queer friend group.

Most of my friends have moved on but I still feel weird about it especially because friend B has had a tendency to not understand the importance of certain things relating to the queer community (has a tendency to deadname/misgender me for example)

This weirdness I feel towards her probably would have been largely reduced if she didn't double down when we said she can't say that stuff.

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Hey there,

Yeah, the feelings you’re having towards her at the moment totally make sense. As I said beforehand, I don’t think she should have said it, and there was a good opportunity for her to learn from your views and it’s a shame she didn’t engage with it. I’m wondering, is there a possibility that she does realise that it was wrong and doesn’t want to admit it? Also, what do you think you might do next?

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8 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, the feelings you’re having towards her at the moment totally make sense. As I said beforehand, I don’t think she should have said it, and there was a good opportunity for her to learn from your views and it’s a shame she didn’t engage with it. I’m wondering, is there a possibility that she does realise that it was wrong and doesn’t want to admit it? Also, what do you think you might do next?

i think her doubling down might have been defensive, but it might also have been a reflection of her genuine feelings about the word. she didn't seem to understand that it was a big deal. she has a tendency to not treat certain subjects relating to queer people with the seriousness they deserve (deadnaming me when trying to "get my attention", making jokes about gay people as a straight person and responding "everyone can make gay jokes when called out" etc.)

i think i will try to stop talking to her in the future or at least have a discussion soon (we've had these discussions before though so i don't know)

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9 hours ago, Zach Cant Focus said:

i think her doubling down might have been defensive, but it might also have been a reflection of her genuine feelings about the word. she didn't seem to understand that it was a big deal. she has a tendency to not treat certain subjects relating to queer people with the seriousness they deserve (deadnaming me when trying to "get my attention", making jokes about gay people as a straight person and responding "everyone can make gay jokes when called out" etc.)

i think i will try to stop talking to her in the future or at least have a discussion soon (we've had these discussions before though so i don't know)

Hey,

Ah, I'm sorry to hear about all of that. It sounds like she is being really disrespectful and just doesn't get the consequences of her actions at this point in time. I can imagine that it's really hard to look past all of this as there is a history of the behaviour which has been offensive. Also, as you've had those discussions before and they haven't gone well, I can see why you might not see the point of having them again. What do you think this might mean for your friendship going forward?

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13 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Ah, I'm sorry to hear about all of that. It sounds like she is being really disrespectful and just doesn't get the consequences of her actions at this point in time. I can imagine that it's really hard to look past all of this as there is a history of the behaviour which has been offensive. Also, as you've had those discussions before and they haven't gone well, I can see why you might not see the point of having them again. What do you think this might mean for your friendship going forward?

i think if she continues to demonstrate this behavior ill try to avoid her in the future. i have a tendency to continue warning people that they need to stop and never following through. based on past friendships ive had ive learned you just need to cut them off. i dont think that she is a bad person, and those friends i used to have were definitely at least closer to bad people, but when she treats things so lightly i don't know what to think.

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Hey there,

Yeah, the way she has reacted to you trying to educate her about the things she has said and done is unhelpful and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think it is a good idea to maybe distance yourself as you said about avoiding her if she continues with this. I hope that she can learn more about the behaviours and why they are hurtful so that she can move towards treating people in a better way. So, at this point, it kind of sounds like you've come to a decision about how you're going to handle it, and therefore, I'm wondering, would you like anymore support? 

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3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, the way she has reacted to you trying to educate her about the things she has said and done is unhelpful and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think it is a good idea to maybe distance yourself as you said about avoiding her if she continues with this. I hope that she can learn more about the behaviours and why they are hurtful so that she can move towards treating people in a better way. So, at this point, it kind of sounds like you've come to a decision about how you're going to handle it, and therefore, I'm wondering, would you like anymore support? 

I think I'm okay now, thanks.

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