TinyDinos Posted May 25 Share Posted May 25 It’s currently 4am where I’m at so excuse me and my attitude/emotions as I’m very sleep deprived and in a pretty awful mood. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just keep thinking, and I’m just off. Of course around my family I’m mostly fine but I just feel so out of place everywhere I go and with everybody I talk to. Im still the same person I’ve been for the past four or so years despite going through so much,I haven’t changed for the better, I only make negative progress. I feel so alone. my relationships are practically non-existent. I’ve already talked enough about my dad on here that I think it’s fair to not go into any new details with that situation, and my parents that I live with love my sisters more and I don’t even blame them. Im not even upset about it, I just want to stop causing them pain and wasting their time, I wish I stopped wasting everyone’s time. I have no motivation for my last class for school and I”m running out of time rapidly. I have too many people in my house and I have nowhere to cry. I shouldn’t cry because it’s weak. I should cry because I’m weak. im a relationship black hole. How pathetic can someone be to not even return a text? Why am I always so stuck staring at my screen with nothing decent or coherent to say in reply? Why am I always so tired? Why is it always ny fault that things go sour? Why is the relationship failing because I don’t communicate enough? Why is everyone too busy to talk or spend time with me? Why do people avoid me? They all need space, but apparently it’s only from me. Everyone else moves forward, leaving me in the dust. Even my mom who grew up in the ghetto Bronx NY has a best friend since first grade that she still keeps up with and now he’s family, how is it fair then that my longest friendship spanned five years, and now she barely acknowledges me unless forced to? She has my number, she never texts. I had to find out from somebody else that she was going to f***ing prom. We were supposed to be best friends. We were supposed to be best friends but she needs space and it’s not my fault but she needs space seemingly only from me, I am always the problem and I hate being the problem. I wish I wasn’t such a problem to everybody, I wish they’d say that they hate me to my face. I wish people were honest. some people aren’t made for friends and I’m one of them. Every time I try to make an effort to stay in touch more, or communicate better without coming on too strong, or even take a break for my own mental health’s sake, I always wind but being the one who needs to change, I’m always the one not trying hard enough but when they need space and say that they need space, it is because they all want to make different friends and leave me behind. I hate being left behind I hate being left behind everyone always abandons me and I wish people cared more. Nobody ever asks how I am and then they just call me a moody teenager when I show a glimpse of what I’m thinking but nobody ever helps. I never get help. I’m so good at listening to everyone else’s problems, and solving the other peoples problems and smiling and getting good grades and being responsible and taking care of everyone and picking up the slack and being social and shutting up and keeping my opinions to myself I feel so fake and plastic and I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be anymore because it’s never ever good enough for anybody. I hate never being good enough no matter how hard I try. I can’t even be mad or jealous because I know I don’t deserve it and that everyone is better off leaving me. Everyone is so good at it. Maybe my dad had the right idea from the start. I can’t be jealous of my “friends” new friends. They’re probably people worth being around, they probably knew about prom and still got messages about what they were having for dinner and how their day went and how schools going. Then I’m gonna go to college and be more alone than ever. 16 and alone, always alone. I’m never gonna get better. There is no better. There was never a better for me. My better only happens with three words added afterwards. “Better for everyone else”. I was never meant to be okay. I was never meant to happy. And loved. I don’t deserve it and no matter how hard I try I can’t earn it because I’ll never be good enough. J I need to go to sleep before I do something stupid to myself that I’ll regret in the morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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