Headspace

[TinyDinos]

It’s currently 4am where I’m at so excuse me and my attitude/emotions as I’m very sleep deprived and in a pretty awful mood. 

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just keep thinking, and I’m just off. Of course around my family I’m mostly fine but I just feel so out of place everywhere I go and with everybody I talk to. Im still the same person I’ve been for the past four or so years despite going through so much,I haven’t changed for the better, I only make negative progress. I feel so alone.

my relationships are practically non-existent. I’ve already talked enough about my dad on here that I think it’s fair to not go into any new details with that situation, and my parents that I live with love my sisters more and I don’t even blame them. Im not even upset about it, I just want to stop causing them pain and wasting their time, I wish I stopped wasting everyone’s time. I have no motivation for my last class for school and I”m running out of time rapidly. I have too many people in my house and I have nowhere to cry. I shouldn’t cry because it’s weak. I should cry because I’m weak. 

im a relationship black hole. How pathetic can someone be to not even return a text? Why am I always so stuck staring at my screen with nothing decent or coherent to say in reply? Why am I always so tired? Why is it always ny fault that things go sour? Why is the relationship failing because I don’t communicate enough? Why is everyone too busy to talk or spend time with me? Why do people avoid me? They all need space, but apparently it’s only from me. Everyone else moves forward, leaving me in the dust. Even my mom who grew up in the ghetto Bronx NY has a best friend since first grade that she still keeps up with and now he’s family, how is it fair then that my longest friendship spanned five years, and now she barely acknowledges me unless forced to? She has my number, she never texts. I had to find out from somebody else that she was going to f***ing prom. We were supposed to be best friends. We were supposed to be best friends but she needs space and it’s not my fault but she needs space seemingly only from me, I am always the problem and I hate being the problem. I wish I wasn’t such a problem to everybody, I wish they’d say that they hate me to my face. I wish people were honest.

some people aren’t made for friends and I’m one of them. Every time I try to make an effort to stay in touch more, or communicate better without coming on too strong, or even take a break for my own mental health’s sake, I always wind but being the one who needs to change, I’m always the one not trying hard enough but when they need space and say that they need space, it is because they all want to make different friends and leave me behind. I hate being left behind I hate being left behind everyone always abandons me and I wish people cared more. Nobody ever asks how I am and then they just call me a moody teenager when I show a glimpse of what I’m thinking but nobody ever helps. I never get help. I’m so good at listening to everyone else’s problems, and solving the other peoples problems and smiling and getting good grades and being responsible and taking care of everyone and picking up the slack and being social and shutting up and keeping my opinions to myself I feel so fake and plastic and I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be anymore because it’s never ever good enough for anybody. I hate never being good enough no matter how hard I try. 

I can’t even be mad or jealous because I know I don’t deserve it and that everyone is better off leaving me. Everyone is so good at it. Maybe my dad had the right idea from the start. I can’t be jealous of my “friends” new friends. They’re probably people worth being around, they probably knew about prom and still got messages about what they were having for dinner and how their day went and how schools going. Then I’m gonna go to college and be more alone than ever. 16 and alone, always alone. I’m never gonna get better. There is no better. There was never a better for me. My better only happens with three words added afterwards. “Better for everyone else”. I was never meant to be okay. I was never meant to  happy. And loved. I don’t deserve it and no matter how hard I try I can’t earn it because I’ll never be good enough. J

I need to go to sleep before I do something stupid to myself that I’ll regret in the morning.

[TinyDinos]

I just wanna f***ing scream and get all of this noise out of my head. It’s burning up my insides with its intensity. My insides are on fire. I wanna vomit.

[TinyDinos]

Goodnight 

[Monsoon]

Hey @TinyDinos

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed message explaining how you are feeling to us. You are really good at describing your feelings and it really helps us to understand what is going on for you. It sounds almost like you're feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and that you're almost at rock bottom in a way. I can see that the way you describe yourself is really negative given what you said about your progress, how you don't aren't made for friends, and about your worth more generally. I'm wondering, where do you think these feelings come from? Have you always been down on yourself like this?

I can see what you said around how you should go to sleep so that you don't do something to yourself that you'd regret in the morning. With you saying about the morning, I kind of get the impression that when you said about doing something to yourself, that this won't be fatal given that you said about regretting it in the morning as that indicates you'd still be alive. However,  I just want to check, would you say you are safe right now? I hope that you are, but if you aren't please do let us know so that we can get help to you. We are here for you and we care. Take care and speak soon. 

[TinyDinos]

1 hour ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @TinyDinos

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed message explaining how you are feeling to us. You are really good at describing your feelings and it really helps us to understand what is going on for you. It sounds almost like you're feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and that you're almost at rock bottom in a way. I can see that the way you describe yourself is really negative given what you said about your progress, how you don't aren't made for friends, and about your worth more generally. I'm wondering, where do you think these feelings come from? Have you always been down on yourself like this?

I can see what you said around how you should go to sleep so that you don't do something to yourself that you'd regret in the morning. With you saying about the morning, I kind of get the impression that when you said about doing something to yourself, that this won't be fatal given that you said about regretting it in the morning as that indicates you'd still be alive. However,  I just want to check, would you say you are safe right now? I hope that you are, but if you aren't please do let us know so that we can get help to you. We are here for you and we care. Take care and speak soon. 

Hi. I slept in really long. I would’ve slept longer if my sister hadn’t woken me up. It’s 12 pm over here now.

 I feel a twisted, bitter, happiness towards any sort of praise I receive, I’ve noticed. I feel so stupid for craving approval so badly that the smallest compliment practically sends me over the moon. I wonder if that’s my problem. Am I too eager to please? Am I too  self centered and only trying to show off? Am I an attention seeker? This is what was wrong all along even if I couldn’t see it.

these feelings weren’t always there I think. everything started out as a prideful sense of being depended on and needed, and then the fighting started and I felt a heavy burden when it came to taking care of my sisters. My friends would always confide in me about the darkest things that happened to them and I would just listen and love unconditionally. Then I found out that they just wanted to be friends for my test scores. Covid happened during my best year where I had good friends and family and then homeschool ripped that all away, and there was a divorce in the mix and now my life became a living hell. I couldn’t escape the torture and anytime I got a moment alone, the toxicity came from inside my own head. It’s so sad how quickly you become your worst enemy, especially in situations like these where you’re a confused 13 year old high school freshman whose life is falling apart. That’s when I noticed a pattern. During my hardest times, everybody left, there was nobody to love me unconditionally. I was abandoned. And those who did stick around, did so because they wanted something from me, not because they wanted me. Funny how adding a few words changes the whole meaning of a sentence huh? So basically I just came to grips with it, and during times like when it’s 4am and I can’t sleep and there’s a fire in my lungs that makes me want to explode and claw out everything that burns, a still small voice in the back of my mind says to go to sleep and I’ll be okay. That’s when I have to explain everything, I’m a very logical person you see, and I need to understand myself. That’s why I have to write these things, I need a reason to feel the way I do so I know I’m not going crazy. And after the flames die down because they’ve been contained a bit, I can finally rest. Then I sleep and don’t wake up unless forced to. I really do despise myself, and believe for as long as I can remember that people would be better without me because I waste everything that could be used for someone more important, the main difference between then and now though is that I’ve run out of reasons to talk myself out of believing it so this simply my reality rather than an offhand thought that surfaces from time to time. 

I wasn’t planning on doing anything fatal, that is correct, honestly I wasn’t planning on doing anything harmful. I knew I wasn’t thinking straight. I want to live as long as I can adhering to the rule of “don’t make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings.” My fire was only temporary. I’m safe for a while. Today is my little sister’s birthday so I’m celebrating her, and we have family visiting right now as well as more family coming down to visit next week all for her. My house is super crowded at the moment. 

I’ll be okay I just don’t know for how long. I’m not too worried though. I’ll be more worried about things getting heavy when I stop caring what people think about me, that’s when I know I’ll be ready. Until then I suppose I’m just crawling through life, one agonizing thought at a time. I miss my bed.

[TinyDinos]

Good morning or I suppose afternoon. It’s 12 15 where I’m at.

i replied to your message it just has to be moderated @Monsoon

[TinyDinos]

I think that I’m finally getting all these little confirmations that my suspicions are true about a whole slew of things. 

1. I truly am alone.

2. my family likes me the least out of everyone else in the household.

3. all of my friends are avoiding me. Albeit I don’t have many, I had a total of four friends and none of them want to talk to me.

4. all of these things are my fault.

I wanna buy a guitar. I feel like it would be my best friend. I love playing guitar. Guitars can’t leave.

I despise myself for even thinking any of this but evidence strongly suggests it’s true.

I really am all by myself.

[Monsoon]

2 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

Hi. I slept in really long. I would’ve slept longer if my sister hadn’t woken me up. It’s 12 pm over here now.

 I feel a twisted, bitter, happiness towards any sort of praise I receive, I’ve noticed. I feel so stupid for craving approval so badly that the smallest compliment practically sends me over the moon. I wonder if that’s my problem. Am I too eager to please? Am I too  self centered and only trying to show off? Am I an attention seeker? This is what was wrong all along even if I couldn’t see it.

these feelings weren’t always there I think. everything started out as a prideful sense of being depended on and needed, and then the fighting started and I felt a heavy burden when it came to taking care of my sisters. My friends would always confide in me about the darkest things that happened to them and I would just listen and love unconditionally. Then I found out that they just wanted to be friends for my test scores. Covid happened during my best year where I had good friends and family and then homeschool ripped that all away, and there was a divorce in the mix and now my life became a living hell. I couldn’t escape the torture and anytime I got a moment alone, the toxicity came from inside my own head. It’s so sad how quickly you become your worst enemy, especially in situations like these where you’re a confused 13 year old high school freshman whose life is falling apart. That’s when I noticed a pattern. During my hardest times, everybody left, there was nobody to love me unconditionally. I was abandoned. And those who did stick around, did so because they wanted something from me, not because they wanted me. Funny how adding a few words changes the whole meaning of a sentence huh? So basically I just came to grips with it, and during times like when it’s 4am and I can’t sleep and there’s a fire in my lungs that makes me want to explode and claw out everything that burns, a still small voice in the back of my mind says to go to sleep and I’ll be okay. That’s when I have to explain everything, I’m a very logical person you see, and I need to understand myself. That’s why I have to write these things, I need a reason to feel the way I do so I know I’m not going crazy. And after the flames die down because they’ve been contained a bit, I can finally rest. Then I sleep and don’t wake up unless forced to. I really do despise myself, and believe for as long as I can remember that people would be better without me because I waste everything that could be used for someone more important, the main difference between then and now though is that I’ve run out of reasons to talk myself out of believing it so this simply my reality rather than an offhand thought that surfaces from time to time. 

I wasn’t planning on doing anything fatal, that is correct, honestly I wasn’t planning on doing anything harmful. I knew I wasn’t thinking straight. I want to live as long as I can adhering to the rule of “don’t make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings.” My fire was only temporary. I’m safe for a while. Today is my little sister’s birthday so I’m celebrating her, and we have family visiting right now as well as more family coming down to visit next week all for her. My house is super crowded at the moment. 

I’ll be okay I just don’t know for how long. I’m not too worried though. I’ll be more worried about things getting heavy when I stop caring what people think about me, that’s when I know I’ll be ready. Until then I suppose I’m just crawling through life, one agonizing thought at a time. I miss my bed.

Hey there,

I'm glad you're safe. I can see that you said for a while and that you don't know how long you will be okay for. We want to help make sure you stay as safe as possible. I'm wondering, do you know what to do if you feel like you might harm yourself, as in what you can do to stay safe? If not, we can definitely help you. 

What you wrote about how you can become your own worst enemy is so powerful and relevant to everyone to some degree. I think we an easily become trapped in our own thoughts and feelings and almost neglect the world around us. What do you think about that? By the way, when I say this, this isn't to take away from the bad things you have experienced, like with your family. It's more of a point around despite the adversity we may face, we do still have autonomy to help ourselves move forward. 

[TinyDinos]

5 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm glad you're safe. I can see that you said for a while and that you don't know how long you will be okay for. We want to help make sure you stay as safe as possible. I'm wondering, do you know what to do if you feel like you might harm yourself, as in what you can do to stay safe? If not, we can definitely help you. 

What you wrote about how you can become your own worst enemy is so powerful and relevant to everyone to some degree. I think we an easily become trapped in our own thoughts and feelings and almost neglect the world around us. What do you think about that? By the way, when I say this, this isn't to take away from the bad things you have experienced, like with your family. It's more of a point around despite the adversity we may face, we do still have autonomy to help ourselves move forward. 

I’m not going to harm myself, and if it gets that bad I will tell an adult. They’ll have to take me seriously, that’s about it. Worse comes to worse I’ll call the police. I’ll be okay though

[Equivalent Ways]

1 hour ago, TinyDinos said:

I’m not going to harm myself, and if it gets that bad I will tell an adult. They’ll have to take me seriously, that’s about it. Worse comes to worse I’ll call the police. I’ll be okay though

you know that I/ we would want to know, cuz I super selfishly don't want you to die young :D And you prob wont believe me, but your gonna go far, kid.

[Equivalent Ways]

9 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

I think that I’m finally getting all these little confirmations that my suspicions are true about a whole slew of things. 

1. I truly am alone.

2. my family likes me the least out of everyone else in the household.

3. all of my friends are avoiding me. Albeit I don’t have many, I had a total of four friends and none of them want to talk to me.

4. all of these things are my fault.

I wanna buy a guitar. I feel like it would be my best friend. I love playing guitar. Guitars can’t leave.

I despise myself for even thinking any of this but evidence strongly suggests it’s true.

I really am all by myself.

Your arent wrong about 1, we are all ultimately alone, it can seem scary but also incredibly freeing. I really doubt you care about what I think of you, but you can come back slithering to my advise if you want <3

LOL imagine the guitar just gets up and is like, 'im leaving' nope hahaha

Also, tip: Watch the stories you tell yourself

(I know you are not dumb, but I just wanted to say it anyway )

[Equivalent Ways]

lol, some mods needed but I was here

[Aurora]

5 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

I’m not going to harm myself, and if it gets that bad I will tell an adult. They’ll have to take me seriously, that’s about it. Worse comes to worse I’ll call the police. I’ll be okay though

Thank you for letting us know that you are safe and that you will get help if you need it to keep yourself safe. You mentioned about telling an adult. Do you mind me asking, if you have someone in mind, who you can talk to? I'm just asking because I find it's always easier if you have a plan. 

I'm really glad you have opened up to us and let us know how you are feeling. It sounds to me like you are being quite hard on yourself at the moment and I am just wondering if something in particular has triggered this? Sometimes when we are feeling really low, it's difficult to see all the things we've done and achieved and we can't see how important we are to other people, because we don't quite believe it ourselves. However, I can reassure you that you are an important part of this community, we really appreciate all the support you've been giving others and we all care about you.  You are not alone with your feelings and we are here for you!!

Do you mind me asking, if it has helped at all to write it all down? Also, I saw that @Catsup suggested in a different post that you might find it helpful to take extra care of yourself. Do you think that might be helpful and you think of something that you could do for yourself right now? 

[TinyDinos]

I’ve been gone for a really long time. Sorry about that.

I’ve lost so much while I was gone, I hardly have anything I think. I got to visit my stepfam and we went up into the mountains in NoCal for vacation and I really liked being surrounded by nature. My ex-best friend’s birthday is tomorrow and I don’t know whether I should text her or not. We didn’t fight, we just don’t talk and I don’t wanna be pathetic or awkward but I know I will. I don’t even know who she is anymore to be honest. I’m reading more books to escape reality I’ve noticed. I just can’t find any reasons to care about anything anymore. I feel like my future is a joke if that makes sense. Like some impossible thing that only little kids like my younger self could ever believe in. I’ll be seventeen in like five months. I don’t want to be an adult. I wish I could stay a child forever. In a time before I knew what toxicity my family held. I wonder what is gonna happen to me.

[TinyDinos]

I also have realized a few weird things about myself. 

firstly, i might not be lesbian after all. Im thinking pansexual with a lean for women. But it doesn’t really matter because I don’t want to get married or even date. Friendships scare me. Commitment means vulnerability and vulnerability scares me. I get hurt so often I can’t even imagine how to give myself away to someone and trust them with my heart without being torn to shreds.

secondly, I have a weird almost fantasy of sorts. I just keep thinking about it. My dad is evil. He hurts everyone around him. That’s where I get it from by the way. He disowned me so im not his daughter, but I wish my last name reflected that. Anyways, he already replaced me with his girlfriend’s daughter. But what happens if he gets his gf pregnant? If I knew that I’d call cps after the baby is born. By the time the baby is born I’d be 18. I’d wanna adopt it. Would my mom let me keep them? Would they resent me, their half sister, for raising them as if I were their mother? Would they hate me for being an imposter? For ruining any chance of their relationship with their mother and father? I very well, and most likely, will never know. I’d wanna raise that baby so it wouldn’t get hurt by that household. Those monsters. Those people who smoke and drink and choke the life out of everyone around them. I would make sure that they’re loved and safe and warm all of the time. Nothing else would matter but my poor baby. It’s so weird and I feel so gross and selfish for ever thinking it because I don’t want kids I know I’m not good enough and I know I’d be an awful parent and I can’t even take care of myself I would hurt that poor little baby. I’d be worse than my dad and his girlfriend. But I would love that kid more than myself. Me and my toxic heart. What is wrong with me??? I could realistically never support that person. I feel so suffocated by this need to be needed that my chest is tight and I can’t breathe. I’m so consumed by my need for validation and self importance, I’m literally poisoning myself with this horrible, toxic, unrealistic, wishful thinking at this point. I’m so stupid for entertaining these thoughts, and worse, openly describing them. I’m worse than the worst. Why am I even here.

thirdly, I feel very disconnected. I’m like an astronaut with no tether to earth. Floating in nothingness but watching everything conspire all the while. So sad, and so empty. Brokenly beautiful. Beautifully broken.

Finally I’m gonna be a senior in a month or so. I’m not ready. I’m almost out of time for living. My expiration date is approaching so fast I can’t catch my breath. Scary.

[Blondie]

Hi @TinyDinos Im Blondie, one of the community managers at Ditch the Label. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low and dealing with all of this right now so I've sent you a confidential support request to check in with you and will also leave some crisis details below so you have them to hand.

 

(UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)

(USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988  (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) 

A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.org 

There's an app I can recommend called Stay Alive - it has safety plans to make sure you don’t harm yourself and you might find it helpful.

You can also call the police if you feel at risk.

Can you check the confidential message please?

We're here for you.

 

[TinyDinos]

On 7/7/2023 at 2:59 AM, Blondie said:

Hi @TinyDinos Im Blondie, one of the community managers at Ditch the Label. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low and dealing with all of this right now so I've sent you a confidential support request to check in with you and will also leave some crisis details below so you have them to hand.

(UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)

(USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988  (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) 

A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.org 

There's an app I can recommend called Stay Alive - it has safety plans to make sure you don’t harm yourself and you might find it helpful.

You can also call the police if you feel at risk.

Can you check the confidential message please?

We're here for you.

Good morning, or rather afternoon. I slept until 12:26pm where I’m from. I spent yesterday with a kind-of friend and my sisters so I was super busy. It was my mom and stepdad’s anniversary yesterday too. Weird stuff. I can’t remember theirs really well because I remember my bio parent’s anniversary better. It makes me a little bit sad, but not too much. My stepdad is 80 times the man my father could ever be even if he did a full 180 and actually became a good person. Im so sorry that my wonderful stepdad got stuck with me. 
 

sorry for getting distracted, I’ll read the message

[Monsoon]

13 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

Good morning, or rather afternoon. I slept until 12:26pm where I’m from. I spent yesterday with a kind-of friend and my sisters so I was super busy. It was my mom and stepdad’s anniversary yesterday too. Weird stuff. I can’t remember theirs really well because I remember my bio parent’s anniversary better. It makes me a little bit sad, but not too much. My stepdad is 80 times the man my father could ever be even if he did a full 180 and actually became a good person. Im so sorry that my wonderful stepdad got stuck with me. 
 

sorry for getting distracted, I’ll read the message

Hey @TinyDinos

I'm going to jump in for @Blondie - I hope that's okay :)

I just want to check in and see how you are feeling? I cannot access the part of the community which would allow me to see a message you've sent on confidential support at the moment. However, another mentor will pick it up this afternoon if you have.