Yeah, so I may have fvcked up pretty badly

[Arsenal6473]

So recently from the time period of January and late December to April 15th, I was with a girl who was the love of my life I had never loved anyone as much as I loved her and I still really love her. Okay so I fvcked up badly I broke up with her on the 15th of April and I apologized for that a lot that night a few days later we had a field trip and we sat together and on the bus ride there it was silent we talked to the people in front and behind us mainly and once we got to our destination we didn't really talk. When we got to the second place we were going it was a little better we talked more than we did the ride there. So on the bus ride back, we talked more and I showed her that the same night on my upper leg I had cut myself because of what I did to her I didn't know if I had hurt her or not and I just felt that I did I needed to show her that I hurt too. A little later, maybe a minute or two, I started fidgeting with one of the bus harnesses, and she took my hand away. I took my hand back and went back to fidgeting with it and after a few times of rinse and repeat I fidgeted and she just held my hand there and from that point we just held hands. Eventually, I laid my head on her shoulder and placed my hand on her lower thigh; she was okay with that. Once we got back to school and back to our testing rooms I sat next to her while we watched a movie in that class I put my hand on the chair she was sitting on(I was on the ground). So, I placed my hand next to her where her legs were and she put her hand on mine when she did that I turned to her and smiled she smiled back while I was looking at her I either non-verbally or verbally I can't remember which said I love you to which she responded with I love you too. Later I asked if we were together and she said idk and I left that to her to choose later I said I love you she once again said it back. A few days later I asked if we were back together she said and I quote "Fvck no man" and I'm just confused on what to do here sorry that it's a lot to read but now she has a girlfriend and so do I and I love her a lot but I also love the other one a lot more than I should so can I PLEASE GET HELP ON WHAT TO DO HERE

[Aurora]

8 hours ago, Arsenal6473 said:

So recently from the time period of January and late December to April 15th, I was with a girl who was the love of my life I had never loved anyone as much as I loved her and I still really love her. Okay so I fvcked up badly I broke up with her on the 15th of April and I apologized for that a lot that night a few days later we had a field trip and we sat together and on the bus ride there it was silent we talked to the people in front and behind us mainly and once we got to our destination we didn't really talk. When we got to the second place we were going it was a little better we talked more than we did the ride there. So on the bus ride back, we talked more and I showed her that the same night on my upper leg I had cut myself because of what I did to her I didn't know if I had hurt her or not and I just felt that I did I needed to show her that I hurt too. A little later, maybe a minute or two, I started fidgeting with one of the bus harnesses, and she took my hand away. I took my hand back and went back to fidgeting with it and after a few times of rinse and repeat I fidgeted and she just held my hand there and from that point we just held hands. Eventually, I laid my head on her shoulder and placed my hand on her lower thigh; she was okay with that. Once we got back to school and back to our testing rooms I sat next to her while we watched a movie in that class I put my hand on the chair she was sitting on(I was on the ground). So, I placed my hand next to her where her legs were and she put her hand on mine when she did that I turned to her and smiled she smiled back while I was looking at her I either non-verbally or verbally I can't remember which said I love you to which she responded with I love you too. Later I asked if we were together and she said idk and I left that to her to choose later I said I love you she once again said it back. A few days later I asked if we were back together she said and I quote "Fvck no man" and I'm just confused on what to do here sorry that it's a lot to read but now she has a girlfriend and so do I and I love her a lot but I also love the other one a lot more than I should so can I PLEASE GET HELP ON WHAT TO DO HERE

Hi there, thank you for being so open about what's been going on for you. It sounds like a lot has happened and you and your ex girlfriend might both be unsure about your feelings towards each other. You mentioned that you broke up with her and that you have a new girlfriend now but at the same time it sounds like you love her very much.  Do you mind me asking, why you broke up with her? Please don't feel you have to tell me if you don't feel comfortable to. From what you've been telling me it sounds like your ex girlfriend was thinking about getting back together with you but then changed her mind. Her response sounded quite harsh, so I'm wondering if something happened to change her mind. What do you think? Also I'm wondering, whether the two of you might both need a bit more time to figure out how you feel about each other and how you feel about your new girlfriends?

I noticed what you said about cutting yourself because of what you did to her and wanting to show her that you hurt, too. Can I ask, if that is something you've done before or since? The reason why I'm asking is because we care about you and we want to make sure you're OK. If you would prefer to talk about this confidentially, you can also send us a confidential support message (just click the confidential support tab at the top of the page). We're here for you. 

 

[Arsenal6473]

I broke up with her because I didn't want to accidentally get mad and go off on her I deal with a lot of anger issues and have felt the repercussions of that with other people. I didn't want to hurt her like I did someone else. I do think she changed her mind and recently I asked her why she didn't want to be back together and she said because I can go from being happy and cheerful to being very uptight and angry then called me a "bi-polar b*tch and stopped talking to me. I have done this almost daily she went by Ace so recently I've been putting A's into my arm.

[Monsoon]

2 hours ago, Arsenal6473 said:

I broke up with her because I didn't want to accidentally get mad and go off on her I deal with a lot of anger issues and have felt the repercussions of that with other people. I didn't want to hurt her like I did someone else. I do think she changed her mind and recently I asked her why she didn't want to be back together and she said because I can go from being happy and cheerful to being very uptight and angry then called me a "bi-polar b*tch and stopped talking to me. I have done this almost daily she went by Ace so recently I've been putting A's into my arm.

Hey there,

I just wanted to jump in as @Aurora will only be back tomorrow. I just wanted to thank you for being so open about the cutting you are doing at the moment. If this is too emotional for you to talk about, please just let us know. Our main priority is to make sure you're okay, especially as cutting can be dangerous. I'm wondering, does anyone else know about it, like your parents? If not, what do you think the positives of them knowing might be? Take care and speak soon. 

[Arsenal6473]

No one but a few friends knows

[Aurora]

14 hours ago, Arsenal6473 said:

No one but a few friends knows

Hi there,

I also wanted to thank you for being so open and reflective with us. From what you've been telling us it sounds to me like you sometimes get overwhelmed by your emotions. Is that right? Do you think that might be the reason why you are cutting? When we feel overwhelmed by our emotions we often experience really intense emotions that are difficult to manage. I'm wondering if it might be helpful for you to speak to someone about what's going on so you can get some support around this? You mentioned that the anger you've been experiencing has had impact on your relationships. And as Monsoon said, cutting can be dangerous - we want to make sure you're OK and most importantly that your safe. Maybe having a safe space and someone who you can talk to and who can help you process some of your feelings might be helpful. What do you think?

Also, what do you think of Monsoon's suggestion of talking to your parents about how you've been feeling and that you've been cutting? What do you think the positives of them knowing might be? 

Please know that you are not alone with you're feelings. We're here for you.