Depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts

[R A I N]

Hey uhm I have basically been suffering from depression and anxiety for such a long time and we're talking about almost over a year. It's gotten to the point where I feel as though I really can't handle it anymore - I mean I couldn't handle it from the start - now, this feeling is stronger than ever. 

 

I'm starting to have like suicidal thoughts. I just hate having to deal with this level of pain everyday now, it's really hard and I just can't take it anymore. This pain is so overwhelming it's like it's taking over my life, my happiness, everything.

Unfortunately, I can't describe the pain I'm feeling in words, it unfortunately is much worse than I have described. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to endure it.

Yesterday, was probably one of the worst days I had ever experienced with my depression and anxiety. I might not be able to tell you the full story but I basically had an argument with my mum and I hurt my hand aswell in the process – it honestly felt like a brick went straight through my hand it hurt so bad and for the rest of the evening that area of my hand was red. The redness has gone down a bit now but it still hurts and I can’t exactly carry anything heavy in my left hand.

But anyway, I had an argument with my mum and then she just told me to leave and so I left and cried and cried and cried my heart out in the bathroom. It was such an intense moment. I could just feel my eyes swelling up with tears that just came streaming down my face. I really couldn’t handle that pain anymore. And I was breathing so fast it was so hard to control. I felt like I was literally suffocating and I was really trying to get it together. That pain is just consuming me. The anxiety, the physical pain, the depression, the worthlessness and the suicidal thoughts all rolled into one – that pain is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

The argument was just like a reminder that no one cares. There’s always that constant remembrance, (whether that be from my thoughts, an argument, etc) telling me I’m useless, why should I keep on living, the worthlessness, unimportant and that I will never matter to anyone. It’s really hard to endure and I honestly don’t know how I’m still surviving, how I act as if nothing even happened the next day. It’s all lies. It’s like I’m lying to myself. Like I know how broken I am right now yet I act as if everything’s okay. When I know very well, nothing is okay.

The fact that I am still here surviving is a mystery, I don't know how much longer I can take any of this pain. it hurts, it hurts so so much and I cannot stress this enough in words. These words cannot describe how immense this pain is to me and unfortunately I don't have the guts to see a GP or ask a teacher for help right now. I can't do it. I can't.

My mental health just gets in the way of everything now, it's so overwhelming I just can't even describe the pain. I know I won't commit suicide anytime soon because I'm too afraid of the pain yet I can't help but think that no one would even care if I died. Like I feel as though I have no importance in anyone's lives.

 

The fact that I'm always checking up on people asking if they're okay, starting/making conversations with them, seeing people care for each other, nobody would ever do that for me. Not that I do all that just for someone to do in return. I check up on people, etc off my own back, like I'm not doing it for anything in return. But, I can't help but think to myself, no one will ever do that for me. But still, I'm here carrying on with my daily life...surviving, breathing, alive, well yet I feel as though i'm dying, suffocating, falling, trapped...

I have no idea how I'm supposed to live my life with parents who are unsupportive about these things

 

 

[Luie]

On 4/4/2023 at 3:23 PM, R A I N said:

Hey uhm I have basically been suffering from depression and anxiety for such a long time and we're talking about almost over a year. It's gotten to the point where I feel as though I really can't handle it anymore - I mean I couldn't handle it from the start - now, this feeling is stronger than ever. 

I'm starting to have like suicidal thoughts. I just hate having to deal with this level of pain everyday now, it's really hard and I just can't take it anymore. This pain is so overwhelming it's like it's taking over my life, my happiness, everything.

Unfortunately, I can't describe the pain I'm feeling in words, it unfortunately is much worse than I have described. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to endure it.

Yesterday, was probably one of the worst days I had ever experienced with my depression and anxiety. I might not be able to tell you the full story but I basically had an argument with my mum and I hurt my hand aswell in the process – it honestly felt like a brick went straight through my hand it hurt so bad and for the rest of the evening that area of my hand was red. The redness has gone down a bit now but it still hurts and I can’t exactly carry anything heavy in my left hand.

But anyway, I had an argument with my mum and then she just told me to leave and so I left and cried and cried and cried my heart out in the bathroom. It was such an intense moment. I could just feel my eyes swelling up with tears that just came streaming down my face. I really couldn’t handle that pain anymore. And I was breathing so fast it was so hard to control. I felt like I was literally suffocating and I was really trying to get it together. That pain is just consuming me. The anxiety, the physical pain, the depression, the worthlessness and the suicidal thoughts all rolled into one – that pain is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

The argument was just like a reminder that no one cares. There’s always that constant remembrance, (whether that be from my thoughts, an argument, etc) telling me I’m useless, why should I keep on living, the worthlessness, unimportant and that I will never matter to anyone. It’s really hard to endure and I honestly don’t know how I’m still surviving, how I act as if nothing even happened the next day. It’s all lies. It’s like I’m lying to myself. Like I know how broken I am right now yet I act as if everything’s okay. When I know very well, nothing is okay.

The fact that I am still here surviving is a mystery, I don't know how much longer I can take any of this pain. it hurts, it hurts so so much and I cannot stress this enough in words. These words cannot describe how immense this pain is to me and unfortunately I don't have the guts to see a GP or ask a teacher for help right now. I can't do it. I can't.

My mental health just gets in the way of everything now, it's so overwhelming I just can't even describe the pain. I know I won't commit suicide anytime soon because I'm too afraid of the pain yet I can't help but think that no one would even care if I died. Like I feel as though I have no importance in anyone's lives.

The fact that I'm always checking up on people asking if they're okay, starting/making conversations with them, seeing people care for each other, nobody would ever do that for me. Not that I do all that just for someone to do in return. I check up on people, etc off my own back, like I'm not doing it for anything in return. But, I can't help but think to myself, no one will ever do that for me. But still, I'm here carrying on with my daily life...surviving, breathing, alive, well yet I feel as though i'm dying, suffocating, falling, trapped...

I have no idea how I'm supposed to live my life with parents who are unsupportive about these things

Heyy @R A I N, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. I see you are new to the platform, welcome to our community!

 

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with depression and anxiety for such a long time, and that it's gotten to the point where you're having suicidal thoughts. It's understandable that the pain you're feeling is overwhelming and that it's hard to put into words. Firstly, I want you to know that you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. I'm here to listen to you and support you in any way that I can. It takes a lot of strength and courage to reach out for help, and I'm proud of you for taking this first step by sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. Your safety is our number one priority, can I check that you're currently safe? 

 

I'm going to list some crisis details below so you have them to hand: 

• (UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)
• (USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988  (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) 
• A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.org   
• There's an app I can recommend called Stay Alive - it has safety plans to make sure you don’t harm yourself and you might find it helpful
• You can also call the police if you feel at risk

Can I ask if anyone close to you knows how you are feeling?
 

I understand that you may be hesitant to speak with a GP or teacher, but please know that they are trained professionals who can help you. They are there to listen to you, offer support, and provide you with resources that can help you manage your depression and anxiety. Please know that you are important, and that there are people who care about you. It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to ask for help. You deserve to feel better, and there is help available to you.

 

 

[R A I N]

8 minutes ago, Luie said:

Heyy @R A I N, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. I see you are new to the platform, welcome to our community!

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with depression and anxiety for such a long time, and that it's gotten to the point where you're having suicidal thoughts. It's understandable that the pain you're feeling is overwhelming and that it's hard to put into words. Firstly, I want you to know that you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. I'm here to listen to you and support you in any way that I can. It takes a lot of strength and courage to reach out for help, and I'm proud of you for taking this first step by sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. Your safety is our number one priority, can I check that you're currently safe? 

I'm going to list some crisis details below so you have them to hand: 

• (UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)
• (USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988  (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) 
• A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.org   
• There's an app I can recommend called Stay Alive - it has safety plans to make sure you don’t harm yourself and you might find it helpful
• You can also call the police if you feel at risk

Can I ask if anyone close to you knows how you are feeling?
 

I understand that you may be hesitant to speak with a GP or teacher, but please know that they are trained professionals who can help you. They are there to listen to you, offer support, and provide you with resources that can help you manage your depression and anxiety. Please know that you are important, and that there are people who care about you. It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to ask for help. You deserve to feel better, and there is help available to you.

I'm safe because I won't commit suicide anytime soon but I have strong suicidal thoughts.

I don't have anyone that's close with me, I'm actually quite distant from people. Nobody knows how I'm feeling.

[Luie]

5 minutes ago, R A I N said:

I'm safe because I won't commit suicide anytime soon but I have strong suicidal thoughts.

I don't have anyone that's close with me, I'm actually quite distant from people. Nobody knows how I'm feeling.

You mentioned commit suicide anytime soon? Would you mind me asking whether you have a plan or a set date you want to take action? 

I am sorry to hear that you're distant with people, is it an active choice or something else?

[R A I N]

10 minutes ago, Luie said:

You mentioned commit suicide anytime soon? Would you mind me asking whether you have a plan or a set date you want to take action? 

I am sorry to hear that you're distant with people, is it an active choice or something else?

I don't have a plan or date or anything like that so I won't be taking action or planning it anytime soon - I haven't got to that stage just yet. I'm still battling with these suicidal thoughts. It isn't really an active choice it's more because of them judging or not taking it well. As in, say if it were a friend, I wouldn't want to dump it on them and they might just secretly judge me for this and/or tell someone which means betraying my trust even if they think they're trying to help when it only makes things worse. I wouldn't want my parents knowing because they're not very supportive when it comes to mental health and I feel they're uneducated on it. In the past, I've been pressured to tell all my "tea" to someone and I feel that may have knocked down my confidence a little.

[Equivalent Ways]

hey @R A I N, oof, I had little ne jerk twitching reactions while reading your writing. i am so sorry you have to be dealing with that.. I don't know you but I wish you could just cuddle up in a leaf on a cool summer day and just rest Now i don't know your exact experience but I can relate. Im not in danger rn but truly, good on you for sharing this here its very brave

[R A I N]

7 hours ago, Equivalent Ways said:

hey @R A I N, oof, I had little ne jerk twitching reactions while reading your writing. i am so sorry you have to be dealing with that.. I don't know you but I wish you could just cuddle up in a leaf on a cool summer day and just rest Now i don't know your exact experience but I can relate. Im not in danger rn but truly, good on you for sharing this here its very brave

Oh wow thanks a lot, it does mean a lot just to have someone there who kinda gets you, you know? Hey thanks, oh I WISH I could just chill like that, that would be sick. Thanks.

[Equivalent Ways]

5 hours ago, R A I N said:

Oh wow thanks a lot, it does mean a lot just to have someone there who kinda gets you, you know? Hey thanks, oh I WISH I could just chill like that, that would be sick. Thanks.

Hah, I am so glad if I could be helpful :) I know shouldn’t it be so dope to just chill like that lol! I TRY to find times in my life to feel even a speck of that.
Im here to converse if ya want ya know? ‘:)

I wish for smooth sailing on the rough seas of life

[Luie]

On 4/5/2023 at 5:19 PM, R A I N said:

I don't have a plan or date or anything like that so I won't be taking action or planning it anytime soon - I haven't got to that stage just yet. I'm still battling with these suicidal thoughts. It isn't really an active choice it's more because of them judging or not taking it well. As in, say if it were a friend, I wouldn't want to dump it on them and they might just secretly judge me for this and/or tell someone which means betraying my trust even if they think they're trying to help when it only makes things worse. I wouldn't want my parents knowing because they're not very supportive when it comes to mental health and I feel they're uneducated on it. In the past, I've been pressured to tell all my "tea" to someone and I feel that may have knocked down my confidence a little.

 

Heyy @R A I N, I know that we've picked up the conversation in Confidential Support however, I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with suicidal thoughts. It's important to know that you don't have to go through this alone and there are people who can help you. I am here to listen and offer support. It's understandable that you're hesitant to reach out to others about your thoughts and feelings. However, it's important to remember that keeping these thoughts to yourself can be harmful and isolating. Has the confidential support been helpful to you so far?

You mentioned feeling that your parents are not supportive when it comes to mental health. While it's unfortunate that they may not understand, there are still other resources available to you. You can reach out to a crisis helplines:

 

• (UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)
• (USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988  (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) 
• A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.org   
• There's an app I can recommend called Stay Alive - it has safety plans to make sure you don’t harm yourself and you might find it helpful
• You can also call the police if you feel at risk

Just want to remind you that there is no shame in seeking help for your mental health and this is a safe space for you to do so. It takes a lot of strength to reach out for support. Please take care of yourself, and know that you're not alone in this.

 

 

[R A I N]

3 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @R A I N, I know that we've picked up the conversation in Confidential Support however, I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with suicidal thoughts. It's important to know that you don't have to go through this alone and there are people who can help you. I am here to listen and offer support. It's understandable that you're hesitant to reach out to others about your thoughts and feelings. However, it's important to remember that keeping these thoughts to yourself can be harmful and isolating. Has the confidential support been helpful to you so far?

You mentioned feeling that your parents are not supportive when it comes to mental health. While it's unfortunate that they may not understand, there are still other resources available to you. You can reach out to a crisis helplines:

• (UK) The Samaritans - 116 123 (This is a free service that operates 24/7)
• (USA) Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988  (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text) 
• A list of worldwide crisis lines can be found here: https://www.befrienders.org   
• There's an app I can recommend called Stay Alive - it has safety plans to make sure you don’t harm yourself and you might find it helpful
• You can also call the police if you feel at risk

Just want to remind you that there is no shame in seeking help for your mental health and this is a safe space for you to do so. It takes a lot of strength to reach out for support. Please take care of yourself, and know that you're not alone in this.

Confidential support is going okay.

[Luie]

On 4/21/2023 at 10:37 PM, R A I N said:

Confidential support is going okay.

Thanks for letting us know @R A I N 

[Moss]

I hate myself and I have been dealing with so many issues for about 7 years now. I will not be talking about details. I just need a therapist without my parents knowing.

[Catsup]

9 hours ago, Moss said:

I hate myself and I have been dealing with so many issues for about 7 years now. I will not be talking about details. I just need a therapist without my parents knowing.

Hey I'm Catsup, one of the support mentors.  I'm very sorry to hear you have been struggling with your mental health.  I wonder if your school has any resources like a school counselor you can start with?  Also, if you do not want to share too much here on the forum, you can also talk to a support mentor individually on Confidential Support.  I'm glad you've reached out. 

[Aurora]

51 minutes ago, lillypaw619 said:

I understand about the therapist without your parents knowing. I need one too.

Hi there @lillypaw619, I can see that you are new here so I wanted to welcome you to our community. I'm really glad you found us!! I'm Aurora and I am one of the support mentors here. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. 

You mentioned about needing a therapist without your parents knowing. Would you like to tell us a little more about what's going on for you? You can also send us a confidential message if you would prefer to talk about this in private. If you would like to do that, please go to confidential support at the top of the page and one of the support mentors will get back to you. We're here for you 

[lillypaw619]

I've just been having some anxiety.

[Aurora]

56 minutes ago, lillypaw619 said:

I've just been having some anxiety.

Would you like to tell me a bit more about it? Is there anything in particular you are worried about? I know it can be difficult to talk about these kind of things. Please know that we are here for you and we can support you with this if you like 

[lillypaw619]

Sorry, I don't really feel like sharing, but thanks anyway!

[Luie]

22 hours ago, lillypaw619 said:

Sorry, I don't really feel like sharing, but thanks anyway!

We are here for you if you would want to revisit this or anything else