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Being the oldest comes with some fun experiences. What happened to me tonight is one of the things they don’t tell you about when they talk about baby siblings. I swear I never expected stuff like what happened tonight to ever happen though. I just got to have “The Talk” with my sisters.

yep. That convo that everyone dreads. I just had it, with my 12 and 13 year old sisters.

now here’s the catch. They already know all about the birds and the bees and all that, but my mom isn’t very great about making herself available for questions and such, because she overreacts and shames us for feeling ways that are normal for teenagers. That leads us to my fun little issue.

I was just falling asleep when 13 bursts into my room, frantically waking me up. She insists that it’s really import but refused to tell me what happened unless I promised not to tell our parents. Seeing as how that’s obviously not a good sign, I said sure, but as long as nobody is hurt or doing something dangerous. She accepts that and shares with me that she accidentally caught 12 watching porn. She showed me 12’s laptop and everything and was panicking. She said we had to talk to her but she didn’t want to get my mom involved because she didn’t want my mom to overreact or treat 12 differently bc of it. I realized since we couldn’t rely on our parents for this one, I had to take on the parenting role and responsibilities.

after a lot of thinking about what to say and how to say it, I had 13 bring 12 downstairs to my room. She looked guilty already and really embarrassed which made sense, and I had her sit down. She didn’t wanna sit on the bed next to me and 13 and asked if she could sit in the ground instead, so I agreed and she was respectful the whole time, but was still really tense. I asked her to tell me herself what happened so she had the chance to explain herself without me just taking 13s word for it. She said that I already knew what she was doing and that she was already uncomfortable and she didn’t want us to think differently of her bc of it because she’s with us all of the time and felt really upset over it all.

I told her first and foremost, this conversation was going to be uncomfortable, but it needed to happen because we care about her and that we won’t think of her any different because it’s a normal thing to do, but we need to talk about being safe and responsible. She seemed to relax at that, and was especially receptive after I told her about my own curiosity about porn bc of hormones and stuff and taught her a few things. I heavily stressed online safety and not talking to strangers as well as being safe with her body as to avoid infections and stuff bc I know if she really wants to do it, I can’t stop her, and all I can really do is equip her to make safe choices. She took all of it really well, and after hearing all of the risks about masturbation and sex, as well as the truth behind the porn industry, she seems like she isn’t going to be doing anything risky anytime soon, and even if she does, at least she is well informed about the stuff behind her decisions. She answered all of our questions and asked a few of her own, and it was overall a good, healthy discussion and I think she feels better now, and won’t do it again while still knowing she can ask her big sisters questions without being judged. We really reassured her that it was perfectly normal to go through what she was going through, and told her that we love and care about her.

we went to our own rooms now, and it’s 1 in the morning and I’m exhausted.

I would really appreciate feedback as far as how you think I did as far as handling this, and also if there’s anything I should’ve mentioned that is important to tell her. I especially wanted to ask the mentors on here for input because of how sensitive this topic is.

@Digital Mentor

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4 hours ago, TinyTurtles said:

Being the oldest comes with some fun experiences. What happened to me tonight is one of the things they don’t tell you about when they talk about baby siblings. I swear I never expected stuff like what happened tonight to ever happen though. I just got to have “The Talk” with my sisters.

yep. That convo that everyone dreads. I just had it, with my 12 and 13 year old sisters.

now here’s the catch. They already know all about the birds and the bees and all that, but my mom isn’t very great about making herself available for questions and such, because she overreacts and shames us for feeling ways that are normal for teenagers. That leads us to my fun little issue.

I was just falling asleep when 13 bursts into my room, frantically waking me up. She insists that it’s really import but refused to tell me what happened unless I promised not to tell our parents. Seeing as how that’s obviously not a good sign, I said sure, but as long as nobody is hurt or doing something dangerous. She accepts that and shares with me that she accidentally caught 12 watching porn. She showed me 12’s laptop and everything and was panicking. She said we had to talk to her but she didn’t want to get my mom involved because she didn’t want my mom to overreact or treat 12 differently bc of it. I realized since we couldn’t rely on our parents for this one, I had to take on the parenting role and responsibilities.

after a lot of thinking about what to say and how to say it, I had 13 bring 12 downstairs to my room. She looked guilty already and really embarrassed which made sense, and I had her sit down. She didn’t wanna sit on the bed next to me and 13 and asked if she could sit in the ground instead, so I agreed and she was respectful the whole time, but was still really tense. I asked her to tell me herself what happened so she had the chance to explain herself without me just taking 13s word for it. She said that I already knew what she was doing and that she was already uncomfortable and she didn’t want us to think differently of her bc of it because she’s with us all of the time and felt really upset over it all.

I told her first and foremost, this conversation was going to be uncomfortable, but it needed to happen because we care about her and that we won’t think of her any different because it’s a normal thing to do, but we need to talk about being safe and responsible. She seemed to relax at that, and was especially receptive after I told her about my own curiosity about porn bc of hormones and stuff and taught her a few things. I heavily stressed online safety and not talking to strangers as well as being safe with her body as to avoid infections and stuff bc I know if she really wants to do it, I can’t stop her, and all I can really do is equip her to make safe choices. She took all of it really well, and after hearing all of the risks about masturbation and sex, as well as the truth behind the porn industry, she seems like she isn’t going to be doing anything risky anytime soon, and even if she does, at least she is well informed about the stuff behind her decisions. She answered all of our questions and asked a few of her own, and it was overall a good, healthy discussion and I think she feels better now, and won’t do it again while still knowing she can ask her big sisters questions without being judged. We really reassured her that it was perfectly normal to go through what she was going through, and told her that we love and care about her.

we went to our own rooms now, and it’s 1 in the morning and I’m exhausted.

I would really appreciate feedback as far as how you think I did as far as handling this, and also if there’s anything I should’ve mentioned that is important to tell her. I especially wanted to ask the mentors on here for input because of how sensitive this topic is.

@Digital Mentor

Hi @TinyTurtles, thank you so much for reaching out and tagging us in. From what you've been telling us it sounds like you handled it brilliantly.  I can imagine that it must have been really awkward for you but I can tell that you really thought about the best way to handle the situation. You were really open and honest with your sister and you didn't make her feel ashamed and reassured her that this doesn't change what you think of her, which is great. It sounds like you found a good balance of reassuring her that it's normal to be curious but at the same time it's really important to stay safe. I get the impression that she really trusts you and hopefully she now feels like she can turn to you if she has any questions or if she is worried about something. I'm sure your sister really appreciates having such a great big sister. 

With regards to whether there is anything you should have mentioned that is important to tell her I would need a little bit more information if that's OK? The main thing of course is to make sure that your sister is safe. Do you know what kind of porn she was watching and how this came about? For example, did she just stumble across it, was it a dare from her friends, are her friends also watching porn or did she feel any pressure from anyone to do it (maybe even someone she is talking to online)? Did you get the impression that it was a one off thing or do you think it's something she's been doing regularly? Don't worry if you don't know the answers to these questions - we can help you think this through together.

You mentioned that you don't think she'll do it again, which is reassuring to hear. The only worry I have that this is a lot for you to take on. I therefore wanted to check in with you and see how you are feeling after everything? Also, have you thought about what you might do if she does do it again? Do you think it might be helpful to tell someone in that instance so you don't feel like you're taking on too much responsibility? What do you think?

Just to let you know that I will be away on holiday from tomorrow until the 28th March. However, I will tag in the other support mentors @Digital Mentor so they can get back to you when you reply. I hope that's OK.

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4 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi @TinyTurtles, thank you so much for reaching out and tagging us in. From what you've been telling us it sounds like you handled it brilliantly.  I can imagine that it must have been really awkward for you but I can tell that you really thought about the best way to handle the situation. You were really open and honest with your sister and you didn't make her feel ashamed and reassured her that this doesn't change what you think of her, which is great. It sounds like you found a good balance of reassuring her that it's normal to be curious but at the same time it's really important to stay safe. I get the impression that she really trusts you and hopefully she now feels like she can turn to you if she has any questions or if she is worried about something. I'm sure your sister really appreciates having such a great big sister. 

With regards to whether there is anything you should have mentioned that is important to tell her I would need a little bit more information if that's OK? The main thing of course is to make sure that your sister is safe. Do you know what kind of porn she was watching and how this came about? For example, did she just stumble across it, was it a dare from her friends, are her friends also watching porn or did she feel any pressure from anyone to do it (maybe even someone she is talking to online)? Did you get the impression that it was a one off thing or do you think it's something she's been doing regularly? Don't worry if you don't know the answers to these questions - we can help you think this through together.

You mentioned that you don't think she'll do it again, which is reassuring to hear. The only worry I have that this is a lot for you to take on. I therefore wanted to check in with you and see how you are feeling after everything? Also, have you thought about what you might do if she does do it again? Do you think it might be helpful to tell someone in that instance so you don't feel like you're taking on too much responsibility? What do you think?

Just to let you know that I will be away on holiday from tomorrow until the 28th March. However, I will tag in the other support mentors @Digital Mentor so they can get back to you when you reply. I hope that's OK.

Hey @Aurora!

Thank you so much for your reply and feedback! I was really worried that I messed up haha. I didn’t want to be aggressive with her or scare her too much (it looked like she was kinda scared at some parts of the convo, but that’s when it was appropriate to be scared, like when I was talking about how bad infections can be, and not to accept site permissions (she usually just accepts all of them regardless of the site without reading what they’re asking for) because they can access her camera or microphone, and in some cases her location. 

I can answer with the information she gave me, and I really think she answered honestly because 13 and I were really conscious about making her feel safe and comfortable because it was a conversation rather than a scolding, so I don’t think she lied about any of it. The only really notable thing was that there was lesbian porn in there as well as regular porn, but it wasn’t from one site in particular. When we asked her about it, she said that lots of suggestions came up and she just clicked whatever the first video that popped up was, hence the mixed range of content. She said she was watching it out of curiosity. During the birds and bees convo my mom had w us, she never mentioned porn, and my sister is on her computer a lot. She said she saw a lot of ads, and she knows that people watch it. So initially she accidentally stumbled upon it, but then purposefully looked it up again out of curiosity. Her words exactly were “I wanted to see what the hype was about and I just don’t get it.” She didn’t even know what masturbation was, because one of her questions was “why do people watch porn?” And when we were talking about safe practices, she seemed really confused and we had to elaborate on what we were talking about. A few of our family friends were living with us for a while, and their son had some inappropriate behaviors because he would parrot what kids were doing at school to get laughs, so he’d moan randomly, talk about feet and whatever, or call his friends “mommy” or “daddy”. I assumed he probably had something to do with this and she said he didn’t, but told me about something weird he did do that she witnessed but wasn’t directed towards her. I don’t believe she was talking to anyone online, but I didn’t ask. I’ll ask her because that opens up a whole new set of issues. She said she’s done it a few times, but not too regularly. 

im not worried about her doing it again, but I also understand that I can’t monitor everything she does, and I can’t stop her from being curious, but I can give her all of the facts and information I have to make sure she’ll be safe if she decides to do it again, and I even stressed if she’s doesn’t do it again, that safe sex practices apply to dating (although I don’t recommend to just have sex because you’re dating or be pressured into it) and eventually marriage if she chooses to go down those paths on the future. However if she does it again and we catch her I’d ask her why she’s doing it again and act accordingly. I don’t feel overwhelmed because I’ve been there before, and I know how my mom and dad handled it, vs what I needed to know in order to be empowered to make a good decision by myself. I think the problem is that a lot of kids in our generation, especially my younger sisters’ generation where everybody has an iPad and a cellphone since the day they’re born, if their parents don’t explain it, that doesn’t mean the questions go away, so we go to the next best thing, our old friend the internet, and that can get really dangerous really fast especially on the topic of sex, and even more so for a 12 year old girl whose body looks like she’s 16, y’know?

again I really appreciate your help, and I hope you enjoy your vacation! 💛

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Hey there,

I'm going to jump in for @Aurora while she is away. I just want to say that you have handled this in such a brilliant way; you have made sure to keep it conflict free and made sure you gave important messages in a calm and helpful way, so well done; I'm sure that approach really helped :)

I'm wondering, what do you think needs to happen next in order to make sure that she continues to stay safe? 

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Wow look at you go Dino! It sounds like you did REALLY GOOD👏I think I know how helpful it can be from hearing things from a sibling, but still, is that more of the parents roll to explain🤔 As you know, i like encouraging the idea that you don't have to carry such a heavy load on your shoulders <3

Yeah i think you handles it very well, better than I would have. I like peace, facts(no copies 😜), and tact. 👍

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