Friends..or not

[herebecauseineedit]

I am new to this and don't have a lot of people to vent to, none that would really listen anyway. I have these "friends" that always talk bad about others and always find it funny but it really bothers me. It has gotten so bad to the point where they start doing it to each other. Sometimes the other friend won't be with us so the conversation topic starts to turn into "why we hate *so and so*". I know I have to remove myself from this negativity as it is starting to drag me down. I know they talk about me aswell, and I turn into the conversation topic when not around. This is unfortunately just a small chunk of what they do. Today they had asked me to hang out but unfortunately I couldn't as I had something to do later on in the day. During the day, I ran into them and they thought I was not being honest. I do feel bad for forgetting to tell them my change of plans but I was still unavailable to go with them today. I apologized to each of them but I always feel obligated to apologize. I am at fault too since I did post something directed towards them (deleted immediately after.) I noticed my mistake immediately after and felt bad so I had apologized to them. I also apologized for changing my plans which is something you would think they would understand but they did not. I find this unfair since when someone else in the group changes plans it's all sunshine and rainbows. They have done so many things to me without apologizing. I just feel so done and they never stopped and thought to think about me being at my lowest. I am suicidal and I am going to therapy soon. I just wished they understood you can't bring down others to feel better about yourself. I also wish I understood that people like them can drag you down with them. I don't know if i'm reading into this situation too much or it just simply doesn't matter to them.

 

[herebecauseineedit]

Ever since I was small my father has verbally abused me. I never understood at the time since I was so little but now I do. I am the oldest sibling out of the 3 of us and we all "hate" my dad. I never understood why he would get so pissed at the smallest things. He would come home after a "horrible" day at work and claim his co-workers were the worst. He would bring his anger home from work and take it out on us. I remember getting a horrible grade and crying to my teacher on how to fix it or else my dad was going to kill me. This was not just to get my grade up, my dad was going to yell and find a way to manipulate me into thinking I was useless and unworthy. He took a look at the grade and said and started to throw all these insults and objects while my sisters were watching. It has gotten so bad we cannot go to him for anything and are in fact scared to do anything with him around.

He sees crying as a weakness, he does not support people in the LGBTQ+ community which infuriates me because I know that not everyone supports the community but the rude and sparky remarks he makes out loud are not needed and disgusting. He's always talking about what he thinks is best for us but what I really want is to cut off all contact with him. I don't want anything to do with my dad. We are total opposites which is the same for my mom and two sisters. I know this seems harsh but it got so bad I thought about stabbing myself. I wrote down things in my journal that are horrible to look at and notice I need help. I told both of my parents about this and me and my sister are going to therapy soon as unfortunately she is feeling suicidal too. I just know my dad is going to jump in while talking about me and my sisters feelings and say "Oh but this doesnt happen.." and so on. He's going to make the therapy about him somehow and I know it. I really just want my dad out of my life because I am always feeling depressed and alone because of his manipulation.

[Monsoon]

2 hours ago, herebecauseineedit said:

I am new to this and don't have a lot of people to vent to, none that would really listen anyway. I have these "friends" that always talk bad about others and always find it funny but it really bothers me. It has gotten so bad to the point where they start doing it to each other. Sometimes the other friend won't be with us so the conversation topic starts to turn into "why we hate *so and so*". I know I have to remove myself from this negativity as it is starting to drag me down. I know they talk about me aswell, and I turn into the conversation topic when not around. This is unfortunately just a small chunk of what they do. Today they had asked me to hang out but unfortunately I couldn't as I had something to do later on in the day. During the day, I ran into them and they thought I was not being honest. I do feel bad for forgetting to tell them my change of plans but I was still unavailable to go with them today. I apologized to each of them but I always feel obligated to apologize. I am at fault too since I did post something directed towards them (deleted immediately after.) I noticed my mistake immediately after and felt bad so I had apologized to them. I also apologized for changing my plans which is something you would think they would understand but they did not. I find this unfair since when someone else in the group changes plans it's all sunshine and rainbows. They have done so many things to me without apologizing. I just feel so done and they never stopped and thought to think about me being at my lowest. I am suicidal and I am going to therapy soon. I just wished they understood you can't bring down others to feel better about yourself. I also wish I understood that people like them can drag you down with them. I don't know if i'm reading into this situation too much or it just simply doesn't matter to them.

Hey there,

We have sent you a message on confidential support to check in. To access this, please click 'Confidential Support' at the top of the page. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis: 

• A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org - you can find the one for your country and call them if you are in crisis 
• An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful
• Remember, you can always call the emergency services or go to your local emergency department at the hospital for support

 

[Equivalent Ways]

Hi  

so.. Im a little late to this.. but I can heavily reflate. Mostly to the dad situation, although I have some pretty unhappy encounters with ‘friend’. I also get the, oh am I reading into this too much??  

so here is also some of my thoughts: 

I am so sorry you have to deal with this no one should, and I know that from me and my brother being verbally/emotionally abused my my father, and friends who were not benign…

I really respect you because it sounds like you are being really courageous and proactive while seeing this clearly.

I also though about stabbing myself(this was in the past) or just jumping off somewhere high… my journals were filled with all my pent up feelings. I am much past that point now, by several months I think and it was really scary trauma

Like I will say agin though, big props for you seeing this stuff so clearly
I cut off all contact with my dad when I was ~12 years old, with help from some other key ppl. I am really glad(and sad) and proud of my choice, it just feels better to be free from his manipulation.

meanwhile I have also had ‘friends’ who just manipulated me kinda like my dad did, and I let them do rude things to me and get away with it cuz that was pretty much all I knew… I eventually called them out too because I realized they were not going to change and I had to leave now I am friends with my dogs and the trees

I hope this response kinda helped go you, you are on your path