What do I do to help my friend?

[learningbrain]

My friend is in a relationship right now.She is studying 10th grade and he is studying in+2(12).

It is evident that he is using her. I am sure that he doesn't love her.

She keeps on asking him if he loves her. She even cried because of him. I went to chess tournament the last week. Today she is suffering from Fever. I don't know if it's because of him. We didn't get time to talk today.

She understands that he is using her but but she still asks him if he loves her.

What can I do to help her?

 

[Luie]

3 hours ago, learningbrain said:

My friend is in a relationship right now.She is studying 10th grade and he is studying in+2(12).

It is evident that he is using her. I am sure that he doesn't love her.

She keeps on asking him if he loves her. She even cried because of him. I went to chess tournament the last week. Today she is suffering from Fever. I don't know if it's because of him. We didn't get time to talk today.

She understands that he is using her but but she still asks him if he loves her.

What can I do to help her?

Heyy @learningbrain, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. 

I want to say that I commend your level of care and empathy towards wanting to protect your friend from what sounds to me like a unhealthy relationship, please correct me if I am wrong?

Firstly, this is taking into account that there is no form of abuse happening in this relationship (I am slightly concerned because you mentioned your friend is suffering from a fever because of him), if there is any form of abuse happening, please first check in with her and do help them to see that abuse is never okay and that it’s never their fault. Nobody deserves a relationship that includes violence of any kind.

Second thing would be that if there is no form of abuse but there is still a form of manipulation from his end (as you mentioned he is using her). However, if your friend is aware that he is using her, then even though this is super frustrating as a friend to see you have to give her the space and respect her choices and decision to stay in this relationship, does not matter how long it will or won't last. My suggestions would be let them know that you’re there for them even if you think there’s not much you can do, just listening and being supportive can really help in such situations. Additionally, being a patient listener is important and letting your friend know that you hear what they’re saying and that you’ll support whatever they decide to do. Something I've learned from my experiences is that remind your friend that they deserve respect, honesty, and open communication.

And hey, I hear you, Being in a position and seeing your friend actively get hurt is super difficult, but you know, liking/loving someone has a different impact altogether on a person and it can be blinding in multiple ways and we tend to ignore the red flags because of 'some good moments' or some form of connection (could be physical, emotional etc.). 

How does this all sound to you? Please feel free to correct any information if I've understood it wrong. 

 

[learningbrain]

There is no form of abuse in the relationship. I think she is suffering from Fever because she is not happy.

Yes I think I should give her some space and time. Yes her eyes are clouded. She will have my support.

[Luie]

15 hours ago, learningbrain said:

There is no form of abuse in the relationship. I think she is suffering from Fever because she is not happy.

Yes I think I should give her some space and time. Yes her eyes are clouded. She will have my support.

Heyy @learningbrain, Thanks for clarifying that there is no abuse in the relationship and you are right that she could be suffering from a fever because she is unhappy in her relationship. She is lucky to have a caring friend like you in her life. How is all of this impacting you?

[learningbrain]

My friend asked her boyfriend why he was acting in such way. He said that, he thought loving someone at a young age was wrong because it was written in Bible.

She says that his family is orthodox.

Is he accusing Bible for his behaviour? I feel like he is making up a story.

He started the conversation by asking the reason for being absent. All of a sudden he starts showing concern. She asked him if she should call her a friend or her brother . He was smiling and said he wants to continue in this manner.They were holding hands at that time. She said that they  have patched up.

I asked whether he considered her as her girlfriend but she doesn't have clarity about it.

The next day when she asks him whether he is her boyfriend or not. And she says he told her that he considers her as his girlfriend indirectly.

What should I do???

 

[learningbrain]

She is feeling well since they have patched up.

When I asked her about the reason for her fever.

She said that he was the cause of her fever.

 

[learningbrain]

I said that she could share anything no matter what. I ensured that I wouldn't judge her.

[Luie]

7 hours ago, learningbrain said:

My friend asked her boyfriend why he was acting in such way. He said that, he thought loving someone at a young age was wrong because it was written in Bible.

She says that his family is orthodox.

Is he accusing Bible for his behaviour? I feel like he is making up a story.

He started the conversation by asking the reason for being absent. All of a sudden he starts showing concern. She asked him if she should call her a friend or her brother . He was smiling and said he wants to continue in this manner.They were holding hands at that time. She said that they  have patched up.

I asked whether he considered her as her girlfriend but she doesn't have clarity about it.

The next day when she asks him whether he is her boyfriend or not. And she says he told her that he considers her as his girlfriend indirectly.

What should I do???

Heyy @learningbrain, As I mentioned earlier, she is fortunate to have a caring friend like you. I see that you've created a safe and non-judgemental space for her to talk about things with regards to her relationship. Something which caught my attention was how this boyfriend of hers might be breadcrumbing i.e. is the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal social signals in order to lure a romantic partner in without expending much effort. In other words, it's leading someone on. So yes, he could be using the Bible as an excuse for his behaviour or it could also be that he wants to keep the relationship private for the time being. I am not aware of his intentions and want to give him the benefit of doubt. 

About your friends fever going away after they have patched up is definitely a slight concern, however, I would say to be there for her in a capacity she needs and wants from you as a friend. Please try not to drain yourself in order to 'save' her from this relationship even if her boyfriend is a walking, talking red flag for you. At times we learn from watching people and most of the other times is by experiencing things on our own, so if you friend chooses to stay in this relationship and see it through then you can be there and remind her of her worth as an individual, what she deserves and what you wish for her, but do not try to make her leave because this could cause further friction between you two. How does this all sound to you so far? 

[learningbrain]

Don't worry I won't drain myself in order to save her. I would never drain myself because of others. I have set boundaries. I will not try to make her leave him even though he is walking red flag. So what you are trying to say is that I should give her time to realize that he is a walking red flag.

[Luie]

On 2/12/2023 at 2:56 PM, learningbrain said:

Don't worry I won't drain myself in order to save her. I would never drain myself because of others. I have set boundaries. I will not try to make her leave him even though he is walking red flag. So what you are trying to say is that I should give her time to realize that he is a walking red flag.

I want to say how happy I felt reading about healthy boundaries from you, kudos to you for knowing yourself and being able to verbalize it and practice!

Yes, I am saying that be there for her and give her the time needed to recognize this, from what you've shared it sounds to me that she understands you're looking out for her and do not approve of her relationship as he seems like someone who is draining and not really adding to her life. As I mentioned earlier, some people learn from their own experiences and perhaps she needs to go through this to understand herself better. Does this sound like something you can learn to make space for your friend @learningbrain?  

[learningbrain]

Yes I will give her space.She doesn't have confidence she will marry him in the future. She wants me to ask him if she is is girlfriend or not. I feel that she should handle the situation or else I will become the person who started the fight.

[learningbrain]

She asked her boyfriend if she was his girlfriend. She told him that I asked her and she told him she was confused.

[Luie]

14 hours ago, learningbrain said:

She asked her boyfriend if she was his girlfriend. She told him that I asked her and she told him she was confused.

Ah, I see. Do let me know how this pans out for her and whether she gets this clarification. I want to check with you @learningbrain how you feel about her pinning this on you and asking him this question? 

[Gwendolyn Rose]

On 2/3/2023 at 5:05 AM, learningbrain said:

My friend is in a relationship right now.She is studying 10th grade and he is studying in+2(12).

It is evident that he is using her. I am sure that he doesn't love her.

She keeps on asking him if he loves her. She even cried because of him. I went to chess tournament the last week. Today she is suffering from Fever. I don't know if it's because of him. We didn't get time to talk today.

She understands that he is using her but but she still asks him if he loves her.

What can I do to help her?

If this was my friend I would encourage her to really think about their relationship and try and kinda see all the aspects of the relationship, the pros, the cons, etc. If she is being actively discouraged, disrespected, or just feels kinda overall bad whenever she is around him or talking to him, I would help her see that and get out of the relationship if/when she sees all the negatives, especially if the cons outweigh the pros. Maybe thats just me but pros and cons lists practically shape my life and they really help when making big decisions like she might have to do. However, if the relationship and the fact that he is using her is evidently taking a large toll on her mental/emotional health or even physical health, I would encourage her to end things because at that point it's just not healthy for her.

[learningbrain]

On 2/14/2023 at 9:43 PM, Luie said:

Ah, I see. Do let me know how this pans out for her and whether she gets this clarification. I want to check with you @learningbrain how you feel about her pinning this on you and asking him this question? 

I think it's either she doesn't ask any question straight forward or He says that she is her girlfriend indirectly. She says he said she was her girlfriend indirectly. She believes that he said she is her girlfriend.

On 2/14/2023 at 6:39 AM, learningbrain said:

Yes I will give her space.She doesn't have confidence she will marry him in the future. She wants me to ask him if she is is girlfriend or not. I feel that she should handle the situation or else I will become the person who started the fight.

Do you think that she should handle the situation?

[learningbrain]

His answer is not straight forward. He says maintain things as it is and smiles at her. I don't understand what he means. She believes that he said he said she is her girlfriend

[Luie]

15 hours ago, Gwendolyn Rose said:

If this was my friend I would encourage her to really think about their relationship and try and kinda see all the aspects of the relationship, the pros, the cons, etc. If she is being actively discouraged, disrespected, or just feels kinda overall bad whenever she is around him or talking to him, I would help her see that and get out of the relationship if/when she sees all the negatives, especially if the cons outweigh the pros. Maybe thats just me but pros and cons lists practically shape my life and they really help when making big decisions like she might have to do. However, if the relationship and the fact that he is using her is evidently taking a large toll on her mental/emotional health or even physical health, I would encourage her to end things because at that point it's just not healthy for her.

I think @Gwendolyn Rose has given some helpful suggestion, how would you feel about applying this @learningbrain?

4 hours ago, learningbrain said:

His answer is not straight forward. He says maintain things as it is and smiles at her. I don't understand what he means. She believes that he said he said she is her girlfriend

Going back to what we spoke about earlier, there is a massive possibility that he won’t call her his girlfriend because he’s enjoying the relationship exactly where it is and at this moment will not take it any further unless he chooses to. My recommendation is to avoid badgering him about the topic. Bringing it up once is enough, because if he is round about saying the same thing in different ways your friend needs to figure out whether this is enough for her for now and if not, then having some tough conversations with herself on what she deserves would be good to start with. How does this sound?

[learningbrain]

I can't ask her to make a pros and cons list. She will say that he loves her and that is what matters.

I am not satisfied with his answer but I won't ask my friend to ask the same question again. Does it even matter if he says that she is her girlfriend. He is just using her.

She was saying that he even said that she is tolerating him. He said " Anyone would break up with me in these circumstances. "

[Luie]

36 minutes ago, learningbrain said:

I can't ask her to make a pros and cons list. She will say that he loves her and that is what matters.

I am not satisfied with his answer but I won't ask my friend to ask the same question again. Does it even matter if he says that she is her girlfriend. He is just using her.

She was saying that he even said that she is tolerating him. He said " Anyone would break up with me in these circumstances. "

Sounds like he knows exactly how he is treating her and currently wants to put n no extra effort to do more. I am sorry to hear this, because as a friend it's difficult to see your close friend be treated badly especially from a romantic partner who is supposed to be a caring, supportive and loving individual. I think you're doing all that you can to be there for her and I commend that @learningbrain. 

[learningbrain]

If I say this to her "This is what you deserve?"

She will say that he has flaws but he loves me. She is deeply in love with him.

She needs to figure out things.

She was angry that her boyfriend didn't talk to her on Valentine's day. He has annual exams the next day. I was sad that he stayed at home. She eventually understood the he needs to prepare for his exams. I told her told that Valentine's day is a marketing strategy and she agreed with me.

We haven't talked since Valentine's day. I kind of anticipated that he will not gift her anything. I thought to give her a gift but my mother told me to stay at home and study. I can't say that I have to go to school to give my friend a gift.

 

 

[learningbrain]

1 hour ago, Luie said:

Sounds like he knows exactly how he is treating her and currently wants to put n no extra effort to do more. I am sorry to hear this, because as a friend it's difficult to see your close friend be treated badly especially from a romantic partner who is supposed to be a caring, supportive and loving individual. I think you're doing all that you can to be there for her and I commend that @learningbrain. 

Thank you for your support.

[Luie]

1 hour ago, learningbrain said:

If I say this to her "This is what you deserve?"

She will say that he has flaws but he loves me. She is deeply in love with him.

She needs to figure out things.

She was angry that her boyfriend didn't talk to her on Valentine's day. He has annual exams the next day. I was sad that he stayed at home. She eventually understood the he needs to prepare for his exams. I told her told that Valentine's day is a marketing strategy and she agreed with me.

We haven't talked since Valentine's day. I kind of anticipated that he will not gift her anything. I thought to give her a gift but my mother told me to stay at home and study. I can't say that I have to go to school to give my friend a gift.

You're right, she does need to figure things out. It's thoughtful of you to want to give her a gift. I am curious, did you want to gift her because she didn't receive something from her boyfriend or that you just felt like it because she is your best friend? 

[Luie]

3 hours ago, learningbrain said:

Thank you for your support.

I hope that it's helpful for you 

[learningbrain]

4 hours ago, Luie said:

You're right, she does need to figure things out. It's thoughtful of you to want to give her a gift. I am curious, did you want to gift her because she didn't receive something from her boyfriend or that you just felt like it because she is your best friend? 

I wanted to gift her because she would feel bad if he didn't gift her. I would lighten her mood. I didn't spend any money. I was planning to sing a movie  song and write the lyrics in a beautiful handwriting and give it to her. And write a romantic letter (which is copied from internet, I am not that poetic to write love letters) to her.

I am doing this so that she feels good. I don't want her to feel sad because of of stupid idiot.

 

 

[learningbrain]

This happened when(we were revising for our English language exam. It was Sunday but we attended the school they had study hours for hostelers. We joined that class. Our teacher was teaching us prepositions and I was targeting him. ( She was saying Help with I was saying breaking up with (his name)) there were 60 prepositions or something I was saying something of this kind for atleast 40 of them.

I said sorry to her because I targeted him. It doesn't feel good if someone scolds a person you love.

Edited February 18, 2023 by learningbrain
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